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Originally Posted by Bogan
People in our NEW area don't know she's given birth to OC so I'm just trying to see how I can explain OC's presence in our family besides admitting the truth. Yes people from where we used to live before all know about OC not being mine. I just don't want to look pathetic raising a stepchild younger than our twins. Again, I did not pass OC off as a niece to friends where we used to live, her family members who know about OC, or my family. I only knew OC wasn't mine when she was born. Is that a bit clearer?
So people where you used to live know this is her child and not your child.

Your family members know that this is her child and not your child.

You neighbours and new friends will be told that she is your wife's niece; are they being told that already, since she lives with you in the new area now?

Your 5 year-old twins know that this is mummy's baby, but will be required to keep that a secret from people who will be told she is their Aunt or Uncle's baby.

Does the child call your wife "Mummy", or does she call her "Aunty"? Don't friends and neighbours already hear her saying "Mummy"? How will you explain when she is sent away and then comes back to visit? Your wife will no longer be "Mummy"; how will this happen? What is the explanation?

Your wife's brothers and sister know that this is her child and not your child, but her mother and father do not know, yet you want to ask them to raise the child.

What makes you think that they will even entertain the idea of raising the child? What will you do if they refuse?

How do you expect the 3 children to keep up this charade between the people that think the child is a niece and the ones that know she is their sister? They are only little; how much are you asking them to lie?

How do you expect the 3 children (including OC) to feel when the youngest is sent away and comes to visit in the holidays? How do you think the twins will feel when they realise that you sent their little sister away?

Are all the children going to be reprogrammed to believe that this is a niece and not a sister? Will OC be encouraged to forget that she grew up with her mother until she was a year old? If not, how do you hope to keep them from telling other people that they have a sister that lives with their granny and grandpa? When the child comes to visit, how will they taught not to tell people that she is their sister? Do you realise the levels of deception that you will be asking your young children to engage in? Do you think this is fair or right for them?

Do you think that all this deception, and sending the child away from your wife who will grieve for her, will make you able to rebuild your marriage? If you are not - all of you, including the twins who are being asked to lie, and your wife who is being asked to give up her child - happier when this whole process is over, what will the point have been?

Will you still hate OC when she comes to visit?

I think your plan is nonsense on stilts. You can't hide the fact that your wife had an OC by sending her away or pretending that she is your niece. Shed-loads of people already know from you that she is not your child, and it must be obvious to all in the new area who see your family that this is your wife's child and not yours. I can't see for one moment why your wife would agree to give up her child, and if she did, your marriage would never be happy while she mourned her, which she will.

You are not obliged to parent OC - not at all. You "hate" her, as you said in your other thread; that is your privilege. But think through all the problems and deceptions required for you to send her away, and think of the marriage you'll have left; a deeply unhappy one. You hate the child, so leave your wife to bring her up while you remain a good father to your two children.


BW
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Originally Posted by Bogan
She's already throws emotional fitz when I press her to tell her parents. She's won't give me their contact information either. I've tried to get it from her sister but she wants my wife to tell them herself. This gets more and more frustrating but my wife's episodes keep me from probing further.
You can't have a coherent conversation with you wife about telling her parents. You are cowed by her "episodes" and "emotional fits" (I refuse to use bad spelling) into giving in and not talking this through. You can't even find out from her where they live in order to send a photo - she makes you that scared. And yet you think you can get her to rationally agree to hand her child over to her parents, when she is deeply ashamed of telling them that she has an OC?

This is beyond belief.


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She lives away from them and I haven't gone to Utah with her before. They didn't come to our wedding (courthouse wedding) and I've never met them (yes I know this is strange). When I found their address a while back none of the numbers listed near their names worked. At most I've talked to them over her phone. But yes, if she won't give me any of their working numbers I'll mail the information I have to them. Currently I'm trying to at least call their jobs to get a hold of them.

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Well how do I explain OC's existance within the family? Do I just be honest with everyone who ask? What do you suggest?

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Why don't you answer the many questions I have asked you, instead of asking more?

I have tried to find out how you have played this so far, to the child herself, to the twins, and to other people in the area, and you have never answered me.

How do things work right now?


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So far the twins know that their half-sister "isn't fully related" to them since they are not old enough to know about the affair. Thankfully they haven't commented on her skin color or taken any curiosity in it. My wife mainly does everything for OC since she knows my stance on her daughter, but I do help out occasionally. She goes out alone with OC because I don't want to draw attention from people being with OC in public, and as far as I can tell nobody has asked about her near our new apartment.

Were starting marriage counselling soon but we still try to keep the calm in the household. She's been open about what happened affair-wise but what gets her going is anything about contacting her parents or not keeping OC with us fulltime

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Originally Posted by Bogan
We have twins (5 years old) together and she's insist on raising the OC. My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing)...Please help smh, it seems like any choice besides raising her OC will make her resent me for the rest of the marriage.
I still don't understand, if your wife's stance is that she "insists on raising the OC", how you think you're going to get her to agree to hand the child over to her parents or anyone else.

It's not the case that you have given your wife an ultimatum, it's the other way around. She isn't willing to do any of your options. She is keeping her child, which means she is giving YOU the ultimatum. You can accept the child in your life, or you can leave.


BW
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Originally Posted by Bogan
Were starting marriage counselling soon
What is your goal with marriage counselling?

What is her goal?


BW
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Originally Posted by Bogan
my wife had an affair at her sister's bachelorette party and got pregnant with OM's child... My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing).
Tell us more about the affair.

It isn't credible that after a 20-minute fumble under some coats in a bedroom during a party, OM easily accepted that the child was his. Think of Boris Becker's reaction when he was similarly accused after a fumble in a broom cupboard - he stole a nappy to do a DNA test. Was a DNA test done on this child? Why did OM even agree to go through with a test? Did a judge force him to go through with it?

And having accepted that the child is his, he has agreed to bring it up alone. This again is highly unusual. Very few men would want to bring up alone a child of a woman that he knew only for a few minutes. What are his circumstances - is he single, married or with a girlfriend? Why was he at a bachelorette party? Generally these are women-only, except for the strippers, aren't they?

Does he have any contact with the child? Does he pay any money towards her? Did you accept paternity on the birth certificate (as the husband you are automatically legally the father), or, following the DNA test, is OM legally recognised as the father? Does the child have your surname, or his?

You see, it doesn't sound like a one-off event to me. If she only met him on the night of the party, how would she even know his full identity in order to get a court-ordered DNA test? And again - what was he doing at the party?

It sounds as if it could have been a longer affair than just 20 minutes. That would explain why he is willing to take the child, and why she would have even asked him to do that; she knows that he is in a position to take care of the child. If a woman had only ever had 20-minute sex with the stripper at her sister's party, or with Joe the Plumber who happened to be in the bar that night, she is hardly likely to ask him to take her one of her most precious things - her child.

If they had a longer affair and you haven't been told the truth, or even if you have been told the truth but they continue to have contact, your marriage will never recover from your resentment. Even if your wife somehow gives the child away, if OM is a factor in her life in any way, your marriage will never be happy.

So that takes me back to an earlier question: having given away the child, if your wife is unhappy (and she'd be deeply unhappy), and the twins are being asked to lie, which is a terrible thing to ask of them, and you continue to hate the child when she visits, what would the whole point have been? How would giving away the child save your marriage? Are you telling me that you'd be genuinely happy having made your wife give up her child? And do you believe that she would ever get to the stage of being genuinely happy, and in love with you again, after you made her do that?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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