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Living_well, dir you see th other 3 posts above the one you replied?


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Thank you for keeping me straight. I get it now about the judges. Yes, I have been wandering all. I will now focus on the following most important issues for my testimony next week.(What I have done and what she has done wrong.)

1. health issues of the children
2. education of the children
3. welfare of the children
4. Her affair
5. abuse
6. house
7. finances

In the testimony I will present each and everything by word and back it by evidence.


With respect to items 1, 2, 3 what are you asking for? I cheer you on if you want full custody but the only thing that matters in this regard is item 3. What evidence are you planning to present to support your claim? Generally judges look to whatever arrangements are in place and make them permanent.

For item 4 I presume you are using the 2011 no fault law? If so, her adultery is not relevant.

For item 5 domestic abuse is a criminal issue, not a civil one.

Item 6, the house is part of the finances. If the house is a marital asset, you will need an appraisal. Then it gets divided with all the other marital assets.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Thank you for keeping me straight. I get it now about the judges. Yes, I have been wandering all. I will now focus on the following most important issues for my testimony next week.(What I have done and what she has done wrong.)

1. health issues of the children
2. education of the children
3. welfare of the children
4. Her affair
5. abuse
6. house
7. finances

In the testimony I will present each and everything by word and back it by evidence.


With respect to items 1, 2, 3 what are you asking for? I cheer you on if you want full custody but the only thing that matters in this regard is item 3. What evidence are you planning to present to support your claim? Generally judges look to whatever arrangements are in place and make them permanent.

For item 4 I presume you are using the 2011 no fault law? If so, her adultery is not relevant.

For item 5 domestic abuse is a criminal issue, not a civil one.

Item 6, the house is part of the finances. If the house is a marital asset, you will need an appraisal. Then it gets divided with all the other marital assets.


Thank you so much. This is very helpful.

For 1, 2 and 3, I was thinking of presenting what I have done and what she has not done( she did not take children to doctors for 2 years'18 to '20- only started taking them when I mentioned it to the judge). She is saying I am taking the children to doctors for nothing. I am asking that I becone responsible for those areas and make the final decisions.

OK, it looks like full custody is not something to fight for then. the current custody is at 50-50. Thank you for letting me know the judges usually keep the schedule permanent. I was not sure/did not know about this. It makes me sure. The judge has also said will not change that.

Evidence for item 3:
1. Her abandonment of son at the subway station. She says she panicked
2. Not picking up children at tennis camp when she gave me a TOP. she expected me to pick them up and get arrested because it was supposed to be my custody date but she knew that she had a TOP to keep me away from her and kids.
3. Police reports of her violating custody order
4. Defying court order for by not sending the kids for tutoring
5. Reporting that I take kids to ER for nothing when they are emergencies, and when the health issues have started in her custody time. one wrist sprain and one was a tick bite, one stomachace that made our sons cry and not sleep.
6. she did not get the kid's broken tooth treaetd on time after I had found a dentist who offered me a 50% discount. Thisxxv happebed when she was at the dentist place. Waited for 1 month - then the nerve got infected, now a consistent tooth problem
7. She changed the high school application list from the one that was agreed by court.
8. Audio on how she was disrespectful to the school counselor, scolding him during the meeting.
9. Defying court order that says the kids should not be in the subway alone. Texts between kids and her show this.


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My mistake, I assumed item 3 was related to the way she was treating you. I have no expertise in presenting this kind of data to the court. Perhaps someone else can chime in on this.

Had you thought of hiring a child advocate?


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No worries. I never thought of hiring a child advocate. I did not know there was such a thing. Could you expound on how this works? I would definitely consider it.


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...also what do you think is the important issue I should focus on? I am all over.

Last edited by WierdSituation; 10/31/21 02:22 PM.

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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Update: I have been communicating with Dr Harley on the exposure through a series of emails.. His advice which came yesterday is as follows:

Everything hinges on what's legal, not what's moral. If exposure helps you achieve legal objectives, go for it. If it doesn't, if it actually hurts your case legally, you should avoid it. My general impression has been that exposure of her affair hurts your legal case. Money she sent to her family, on the other hand, is a legal issue, and should be exposed. Did she have a legal right to give away money from your joint account?

Originally Posted by WierdSituation
She did not have a legal right to give away the money from the joint accounts.

Thank you all.

Weird, you need to calm down and take some deep breaths. You are hurting your case and exhausting yourself. Dr Harley says you should expose on the money. That means you should explain to her family that she did not have the right to this money because taking it circumvented the automatic orders of the court which state: "Pending further order of this matter, neither party shall transfer, alienate, sell, mortgage, pledge or hypothecate any joint, marital, separate or business asset or property; neither party shall incur any debt except for ordinary and usual living expenses in the usual course of business of the parties." Send her relatives a copy of the preliminary conference order that she signed and dated. It uses exactly this language. She probably told them it was her money and you were trying to steal it. Explain to them that she will be in contempt of court if she does not return the money and that the penalty for that will be a fine or imprisonment.

In addition show them evidence in the form of a bank statement and wire transfer so that they can see exactly what she took and from where.

But before you do this, make a plan about how to keep the money safe until the trial. Generally your choices are to freeze it in situ or ask a lawyer to hold it in escrow. I have successfully done both. Either would work but cost money. There is absolutely no sense in asking them to return money to an account to which she has access because she will just take it straight out again. Depending on the relationship you have with her relatives, you could ask them to hold the money pending the outcome of the trial and send you regular statements.

Oh, finally I have managed to draft the exposure on the money. I seriously can't believe how long this took me to do. Divorce "kills". I just could not get myself to do it. Not because I did not want to do it but because of the emotional toll. I just could not get the energy or motivation to do it. I am not sure where I got the energy to do it - maybe because she has gotten away with many things or I want accountability or I am getting my life back and taking control(of my life and not being a doormat) back.

Quick question before I post the draft here for review. I need to talk to ask a lawyer to hold it in escrow. Now we have only the divorce left in our case. Is this the lawyer I ask or I have to find one? If I have to find one what is the procedure?

What is the other option - to freeze it in situ? How do I go about it?

Thank you.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Quick question before I post the draft here for review. I need to talk to ask a lawyer to hold it in escrow. Now we have only the divorce left in our case. Is this the lawyer I ask or I have to find one? If I have to find one what is the procedure?

What is the other option - to freeze it in situ? How do I go about it?

Thank you.

Where is the money now?


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The money is with the brother and sister in law unless they did something with it. part if it she used to buy a car from them.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
The money is with the brother and sister in law unless they did something with it. part if it she used to buy a car from them.

If you do not have control of the money you cannot put it into escrow. You could freeze it in situ using the current court action. If it is overseas you will need to get a court order in that country which is going to cost you money.

You might prefer to just offer the court your evidence of the movement of money in contravention of the automatic orders and ask your court for you to be compensated. If these are marital funds, she owes you half. Makes no difference whether she spent it or not, she owes you half of what she transferred out. If she bought a car with it, that vehicle is marital. Generally easier and simpler just to get compensation rather than half a car..


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OK. I can provide evidence to the court.

I was thinking and hoping that the letter would help inform family and friends of what happened. This way they know and she does not get away with lying because her father and mother do not know. They had given us some money to keep but now they do not know that she sent it to her brother and his wife. Basically WW, her brother and wifeare in secret collaboration but the rest of her family does not know and has been lied to that I took the money.

Exposing to the parents and close relatives(is key) would know what happened and would see the evidence. This would ge a big blow to WW. It will catch her by surprise too.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
OK. I can provide evidence to the court.

I was thinking and hoping that the letter would help inform family and friends of what happened. This way they know and she does not get away with lying because her father and mother do not know. They had given us some money to keep but now they do not know that she sent it to her brother and his wife. Basically WW, her brother and wifeare in secret collaboration but the rest of her family does not know and has been lied to that I took the money.

Exposing to the parents and close relatives(is key) would know what happened and would see the evidence. This would ge a big blow to WW. It will catch her by surprise too.

If I recall, Dr Harley already told you to expose the money issue. Here is what you posted on the subject from Dr Harley:

Everything hinges on what's legal, not what's moral. If exposure helps you achieve legal objectives, go for it. If it doesn't, if it actually hurts your case legally, you should avoid it. My general impression has been that exposure of her affair hurts your legal case. Money she sent to her family, on the other hand, is a legal issue, and should be exposed. Did she have a legal right to give away money from your joint account?


So what are you waiting for?


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Thank you. I will post the draft here tomorrow. I am not waiting fur anything. The emotions or divorce toll got the better of me and I could not even sit down and write.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Thank you. I will post the draft here tomorrow. I am not waiting fur anything. The emotions or divorce toll got the better of me and I could not even sit down and write.
If you can't sit down and write yourself, could you hire someone to do it for you? A student could do that and spare you the stress, or even an agency that provides HR solutions.
Writing a simple letter can be extremely difficult, when emotions come into play. Get it done yourself, or have someone else do it.

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Thank you. I will look into Upwork or find someone. Ha, it is hard to do it alone, I have to admit.


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I am saddened. My FIL is not well. Not sure if these are his last days or not. I finally email him after 6 years. He was lied to and has said he does not the story between me and we when I asked him to hp with my marriage after separation. Therefore I had never contacted him again. I wished him a quick recovery and he wrote back nicely. Communication channel is now open with him. I really think he knows hi daughter did some wrong things. Every parent know their child.

MIL is crazy though. Do not even know if I should contact her. I may try.

I am saddened because he maybdie without knwing about the affair and money stolen. Also my grandparents-in-law died without knowing.

I cannot believe the divorce is entering its 7th year. No crime. Not rich Just a brownstone house and kids. My life is chained and I do not know what to do. I cannot start new things or projects. Hard to do.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
I am saddened. My FIL is not well. Not sure if these are his last days or not. I finally email him after 6 years. He was lied to and has said he does not the story between me and we when I asked him to hp with my marriage after separation. Therefore I had never contacted him again. I wished him a quick recovery and he wrote back nicely. Communication channel is now open with him. I really think he knows hi daughter did some wrong things. Every parent know their child.

MIL is crazy though. Do not even know if I should contact her. I may try.

I am saddened because he maybdie without knwing about the affair and money stolen. Also my grandparents-in-law died without knowing.

So now you know how important exposure is. Be brief, keep to the facts of what she did with the money and tell everyone at the same time. Generally people believe the first version they hear. You do not want your soon-to-be-ex spinning another version of the story to people you have not yet told.

Originally Posted by WierdSituation
I cannot believe the divorce is entering its 7th year. No crime. Not rich Just a brownstone house and kids. My life is chained and I do not know what to do. I cannot start new things or projects. Hard to do.

I can. Although I was able to get my divorce through Summary Judgement, I am still waiting for the division of assets 11 years later. The important thing is not to let this stand in the way of moving on. You only have one life, so live it to the full.


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Originally Posted by living_well
So now you know how important exposure is. Be brief, keep to the facts of what she did with the money and tell everyone at the same time. Generally people believe the first version they hear. You do not want your soon-to-be-ex spinning another version of the story to people you have not yet told.

Yes, indeed. Now I know. I will stick to the facts and be brief. The brother is visiting the parents and is checking the father's email. Also the father and mother got covid 4 days ago. Maybe I wait till he is done with the visit? I thnk I should just do it. Next court date is in February.

I am very sick troubled that he will not know about the affair. I really want people to know about this. Maybe I should expose to people saying, “Following all these years most of you did not know what ended my marriage…”, then I tell about the affair. I do not ask them i to influence her to get back with me.

A few days ago she told the kids that “I do not want her to see her father who is dying”. I was extremely shocked. The father is another country. She has not seen him for eight years. I wrote a short email with facts only to the core family what she said and that I whole heartedly want her to see her father, and that I have offered many times to stay with the kids when she is away and that she can go as many times as possible and as long as she wants. I also wrote another email to the family informing them she brought my clothes on Friday through the kids after 6 years of keeping them and that this maybe damage them pscyhologically. I also told them she still holds my degree certificates, photos of my parents’ wedding and other important items.

What I learnt from this mini exposures:
All what MB says is correct. Only the people who support her bad act reply who was her brother. He replied with WW speak. I definitely believe he was told what to write by her. He was saying do not send me court orders(for the money) and emails to him or his wife yet they are the ones whose accounts received our money. Basically trying to shut me up. He said he urges me to stop writing to a list of people who know WW. He said the illness of the father was a private matter of the family and some of the family embers I included did not know about it yet I only emailed to the core family - brother of the father and son, sister of the mother and daughter, himself and his wife.

The reply showed me that if one does not expose at the same time the "criminals" will hear from the recipients very fast. It took ONLY 19 minutes to receive the reply. The brother and WW had already talked, figured out what to say and write and send it. An exposure email send to individuals separately at the same time helps mitigate WW/OM story twisting and defense.

WW is going crazy and uncontrollable showing her insanity and irrational to the court, children’s lawyer, kids and me not about these mini exposures but just going nuts. These exposures really “killed” her. It took her and the brother(partner in crime) by surprise. I think she is not sleeping. She has not gone to see her father when she has been claiming he has terminal illness for the last two months. She may have even lied that the illness is terminal and now the parents know. I did not want to be blamed for her not going to see him. Now the can is open.

I love exposure! I am so relieved. It is helping me with healing too. i saw a big change in me since i did this. What a sense of relief? Fantastic. I love MB!


WW says it’s terminal yet she has not asked the court to take the children to see him.

Originally Posted by living_well
I can. Although I was able to get my divorce through Summary Judgement, I am still waiting for the division of assets 11 years later. The important thing is not to let this stand in the way of moving on. You only have one life, so live it to the full.

This! ...is life saving. You saved my life. This has energized and encouraged I can move on. I really thank you for this. You are my savior. Thank you for being there. The lion has just woken up. Every minute is going to be very useful for me to build my assets and life back. I will live my life to the fullest. May all the Gods bless you.

Last edited by WierdSituation; 01/06/22 06:54 PM.

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I reread Dr Gatley's replies and they gave me a possibilty to expose the affair based on legal. Now I have to find that "legal" thing.

Dr. Harkey's last replies on exposure of the affair and money.

Date 5/11/2021:
"Everything hinges on what's legal, not what's moral.  If exposure helps you achieve legal objectives, go for it.  If it doesn't, if it actually hurts your case legally, you should avoid it.  My general impression has been that exposure of her affair hurts your legal case.  Money she sent to her family, on the other hand, is a legal issue, and should be exposed.  Did she have a legal right to give away money from your joint account?"

The last one:
Date 5/23/2021:
"Make sure that whatever you expose is not interpreted as a form of vengeance. Do it with only legal objectives in mind.  Don't try to add disrespect to the facts."
....
I want to expose the affair. I cannot take it anymore. I need to heal. I need to tell her father. I will figure out how to expose meeting legal goals.

Any ideas on how I can do this? It can be even one tiny statement connecting affair with legal. What things connect an affair and legal?

Maybe it is that the kids are suffering,. House, She wants to get custody move to Australia/NZ? She hinted. He wants to come and live with her in a house and she wants to take our house? Something to do with divorce taking long, or something? I have a feeling I will get something. Dr. Harley is spot on - if there us legal part then it is good.

For money exposure I started gathering email addresses. I thought I was done but there are more people I did not have their emails addresses. I am realizing that it takes small steps. I am now encouraged by living_well's advice. I feel confident. If her father dies without knowing I will never have peace for the rest of my life! That I know.

The exposure if the affair will be a huge lift of my shoulder, stress and health


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I reread Dr Gatley's replies and they gave me a possibilty to expose the affair based on legal. Now I have to find that "legal" thing.

Dr. Harkey's last replies on exposure of the affair and money.

Date 5/11/2021:
"Everything hinges on what's legal, not what's moral.  If exposure helps you achieve legal objectives, go for it.  If it doesn't, if it actually hurts your case legally, you should avoid it.  My general impression has been that exposure of her affair hurts your legal case.  Money she sent to her family, on the other hand, is a legal issue, and should be exposed.  Did she have a legal right to give away money from your joint account?"

The last one:
Date 5/23/2021:
"Make sure that whatever you expose is not interpreted as a form of vengeance. Do it with only legal objectives in mind.  Don't try to add disrespect to the facts."
....
I want to expose the affair. I cannot take it anymore. I need to heal. I need to tell her father. I will figure out how to expose meeting legal goals.

Any ideas on how I can do this? It can be even one tiny statement connecting affair with legal. What things connect an affair and legal?

Maybe it is that the kids are suffering,. House, She wants to get custody move to Australia/NZ? She hinted. He wants to come and live with her in a house and she wants to take our house? Something to do with divorce taking long, or something? I have a feeling I will get something. Dr. Harley is spot on - if there us legal part then it is good.

For money exposure I started gathering email addresses. I thought I was done but there are more people I did not have their emails addresses. I am realizing that it takes small steps. I am now encouraged by living_well's advice. I feel confident. If her father dies without knowing I will never have peace for the rest of my life! That I know.

The exposure if the affair will be a huge lift of my shoulder, stress and health


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