I am finally separating from my WH. Planning to leave next weekend, and he does not know. There are reasons why I must leave instead of asking him to leave. We live in a very old home in poor condition, in an isolated rural area, and I cannot manage by myself here.

He will not know where I am. On the day I plan to leave my oldest son will be here, and someone from church will pick me up. I will be driving a borrowed car for a while, so he cannot find me by driving by and seeing my vehicle. I am going to go to a guest house of a church family till I get on my feet. I have reason to be nervous about this...there was a violent incident about 3y ago, and I have no idea how he will react to this. My pastor has agreed to screen any messages back and forth. We have no children at home. I do not plan to divorce him because of my religious beliefs, merely to live separately.

This is after knowing for 11 years about some of his cheating. More information has dribbled out since, and now I know he is a serial cheater. I did not leave sooner for many reasons, but mainly a codependent relationship. I have finally found and agreed to Dr. Harley's concepts. I am living proof of how women deteriorate emotionally amd physically if left in the situation too long. I feel like I have aged 25 years in the last 11 years.

I am really scared and sad. We have been married 40+ years. I literally went from child to wife. Please be gentle with me!

What am I forgetting to arrange initially?

Welcome to MB and I am so very sorry that you had to find yourself here.

You are so very brave to finally get out of an abusive relationship.

Does your religion not allow you to divorce from infidelity or abuse?

To answer the question about my faith, I try to do what the Bible says because I am a follower of Jesus. If you look at 1 Corinthians 7 & 8, I think it speaks to my situation. Leave only as a last resort, and don't involve going to law. Therefore, I tried to stay. But since I can't do it anymore and wh is obviously not pleased to be in a committed marriage, I feel free to leave. But not free to sue for divorce. Of course, he might divorce me. In our state, we must be separated for 18 months before divorcing.

I really need support and advice about how to go. Right now the plan is to say a short statement, leave a letter that explains in depth, and walk out to be driven by someone else. Some of the church people feel that is not gentle enough, but we have not come up with a way that would soften it for him. And yes, I know people here will not think it ought to be softened.

Welcome to MB

You seem to have a plan:


I don't think there is a way to soften the information that you are leaving him. How can you tell him you're leaving him without telling him exactly that? Do you think that if there were a "soft" way you could deliver the message, he would not realise what you are saying, or that he would not be so upset?

In your shoes, I wouldn't tell him to his face. I would just leave a note and go.

You said that there had been a violent incident 3 years ago. Was the violence from him against you? Did you file a police report? If there is any attempt to be violent to you if he finds you later, tell him you will call the police, and make sure to do so.

His violence is one reason I would leave while he's out and not worry about the message being delivered gently.

What happened 3y ago...he threatened suicide with a gun, and when I got in the way of where they were kept, he slammed his fist into a door. He deliberately missed my face by about an inch. There is more to it than that, but he never actually hurt me. That was the only violent episode in our entire marriage

The guns are safe in a family member's home, and he doesn't know that either. No police report. But if he pulls that or similar again I will call 911 and definitely file a report.

This is terrible. Did he threaten suicide over something you said? Something to do with his infidelities?

I just found out in the last few years about most of the other women. On that day he said more than he intended, I think, about what had happened. We were marathon arguing and yes, it was over his adultery. He said, "You have finally driven me to this. I'm going to go get a gun and kill myself," and I stopped him.

Now I kind of think it was more manipulative than a serious intent. But I am not sure. This is why I want my son there, to see how he is doing with the news.

Is this the weekend you’re leaving?

Please be safe and if he threatens suicide tell whomever to call 911 since he won’t be able to contact you.

Please be safe.

Everything went smoothly. He was was very calm. I left there with my son inside with him. I know peopl are praying for us!

I am settling in where I am staying . A friend left lunch for me.

That’s good news. What is your plan now?

First, I need some healing time. My mental and physical health has not been good. So I'm staying at the guesthouse of a church family for an indefinite period and seeing a therapist. Eventually I will need to look for a job and a house.

I couldn't tell from what my husband had to say if he even wants to try again. If he does, I would consider an attempt at reconciliation, but only after big changes on his part and significant progress in recovery work with a marriage counselor. He has always refused counseling, so I am not expecting this.