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#3016867 03/02/23 07:53 PM
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Hello!
I can see that the forum seems a little slow and many seem to post and disappear. I don’t want to do either of those as it seems everyone is very helpful.

I am a 45 woman on her 3rd marriage. Husband is 47 and it’s his 2nd. I have 3 kids 23(s)& 18(d)from first and 12(d) from second. He never had any kids.

My first ended after a terrible car accident gave ex brain damage and he horrifically physically & sexually abused me - and 20 years later still can barely function as a human. My next ex started cheating on me during my pregnancy but didn’t find out for a year and I mean with who knows how many people. I threw him out.
My now husband ex wife became a drunk & started cheating so he ended that.

We did not meet as married people- cheating is not happening in our marriage but I have already filed for divorce while still living together- he has asked for counseling & I’m still not sure.
I just got through reading every book of Dr Harley-but the book for counselors…. he is amazing!
I’m not sure I understand it all but I want too!

My husband isn’t opposed to reading but isn’t a reader.
I looked at hiring Steve Harley online but that’s extremely expensive.

So how exactly does one start?

Last edited by DagnyDrew; 03/02/23 07:55 PM.

Trying to save Marriage #3
DagnyDrew #3016869 03/02/23 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by DagnyDrew
Hello!
I can see that the forum seems a little slow and many seem to post and disappear. I don’t want to do either of those as it seems everyone is very helpful.

I am a 45 woman on her 3rd marriage. Husband is 47 and it’s his 2nd. I have 3 kids 23(s)& 18(d)from first and 12(d) from second. He never had any kids.

My first ended after a terrible car accident gave ex brain damage and he horrifically physically & sexually abused me - and 20 years later still can barely function as a human. My next ex started cheating on me during my pregnancy but didn’t find out for a year and I mean with who knows how many people. I threw him out.
My now husband ex wife became a drunk & started cheating so he ended that.

We did not meet as married people- cheating is not happening in our marriage but I have already filed for divorce while still living together- he has asked for counseling & I’m still not sure.
I just got through reading every book of Dr Harley-but the book for counselors…. he is amazing!
I’m not sure I understand it all but I want too!

My husband isn’t opposed to reading but isn’t a reader.
I looked at hiring Steve Harley online but that’s extremely expensive.

So how exactly does one start?
Welcome to MB.

Please clarify: how does one start...what?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #3016870 03/02/23 08:54 PM
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Hi SugarCane-
If one doesn’t hire Steve- where exactly would I start with my husband.

Read first?

Is there a best order of books?

Fill out questionnaires first?

There is a LOT of info on here & in the books

Thank you!


Trying to save Marriage #3
DagnyDrew #3016872 03/02/23 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by DagnyDrew
Hi SugarCane-
If one doesn’t hire Steve- where exactly would I start with my husband.

Read first?

Is there a best order of books?

Fill out questionnaires first?

There is a LOT of info on here & in the books

Thank you!
Welcome to MB. Could you share with us about why you filed for divorce?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by DagnyDrew
Hi SugarCane-
If one doesn’t hire Steve- where exactly would I start with my husband.

Read first?

Is there a best order of books?

Fill out questionnaires first?

There is a LOT of info on here & in the books

Thank you!
Welcome to MB. Could you share with us about why you filed for divorce?


I call myself a singlewife. My kids call him that person who pretends to be married to you.
He lied about a lot of health issues he has. He has had severe ED and therefore struggled to be intimate from the get go. Anything intimate quickly got to be nothing -refused any attempt When I wanted to keep trying. I don’t want to live a completely sexless and affection less life.

He also has extremely high BP and low testosterone but stopped going to Dr to fix any of his health issues. For a while I had to live in constant fear Myself or a child was going to find him dead.
He just went back to Dr in Jan.

I could disappear for weeks before he might notice honestly. We don’t have a life together or am I given any attention.
When I have asked for more attention or seem to needy- it has caused DJ on his part.
It frustrates me cause sometimes he will go out or do something but I lost my desire to ask much because of the DJ’s. Which then makes him act like he doesn’t get it cause he will give me a attention if I ask but WILL not ever pursue me. Other than We talk daily about life issues.

He really doesn’t want to be part of life with kids or my family or people- if he shows up he doesn’t really speak.
I understand being introverted but he isn’t like this other places.

He also refuses to let me do anything for him- get him drink of water? No… can I rub your back, he says receiving any love from me makes him feel guilty? So he lives his life making sure I can do nothing for him & that he doesn’t need me at all.

He isn’t angry or demanding… very passive. He has no interest in where I go, what I do, who I see. It’s like I’m invisible.
I’m tired of it. If I divorced- I really will only notice his absence once and a while at first. Nothing else would change. Marriage isn’t suppose to be like that.

It’s why I could file but keep him in the house- he says he doesn’t want to divorce but he doesn’t ever get in the way of me living my life. There is no visible anger or sadness- he says he will just do whatever I want.

He has attempted to speak to me more now and says he still loves me deeply?- he just doesn’t know how to have a relationship. He claims to be willing to do anything.

I hope that all makes sense.


Trying to save Marriage #3
DagnyDrew #3016877 03/03/23 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by DagnyDrew
Hi SugarCane-
If one doesn’t hire Steve- where exactly would I start with my husband.

Read first?

Is there a best order of books?

Fill out questionnaires first?

There is a LOT of info on here & in the books

Thank you!
Thank you for the further information, in this and in the post below.

I don't think you should be "starting" with your husband. Your husband sounds terrible; unconcerned about your happiness and completely indifferent to the effect he has on you. I can see that you've filed for divorce because you've had enough of living like that, and I think that anyone would support your decision.

If your husband is serious about not wanting a divorce, and wanting counselling, he needs to take the lead. I'm glad you're here, but you shouldn't be here trying to fix the marriage while your husband waits for a steer from you. He sounds very passive. Even if that isn't true, Dr Harley does not advise a wife to take the reins and push her husband uphill through marriage recovery. If he wants a happy, loving marriage a husband has to show it, and work for it.

I suggest giving him ONE clue: tell him to write to Dr Harley at the radio show, explaining the problem as he sees it, putting his point of view and, to the best of his ability, your point of view. I would be interested to hear what he understands about your unhappiness, and the causes of it. We would love for him to go on the radio show so that we can all hear the advice and use it to help other posters, but if he doesn't want to do that, Dr Harley and his wife Joyce could read out the email and respond, without him.

Dr Harley will coach people for free by email for quite a long time. Many of us would recommend going directly to him first, and then later, if finances permit, to his son, Steve. Steve has been trained by his father, but Dr Harley is the actual founder of this programme.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
DagnyDrew #3016878 03/03/23 04:51 PM
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



SugarCane #3016879 03/03/23 06:00 PM
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Thank you- yes- I think it’s terrible.
I just asked him & he said he would talk to Dr Harley- he will do anything and doesn’t want it to be me pushing for our help.

So he will write an email tomorrow he says- I’ll let you guys know when Dr Harley will talk to him then.

Reason:
Tomorrow- he already set up a date to read through the entire start of Dr Harley to try to understand what he is saying. He wants to wait to read that and fill out questionnaires so he knows what this is all about.

If he doesn’t really become serious about this- then I already have my exit ready.
Thank you for the replies!


Trying to save Marriage #3

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