I ran across this book in the library, and after I got over the initial shock that someone would have the nerve to publish such a book, and that the library would actually buy it, I decided to check it out. The authors (a former actress and an editor of Glamour) are not exactly experts in the field.<P>Both this book and what I have read while lurking on the TOW board warn against having the MM move in directly from home, because he will then associate his guilt with the OW, and she is "almost guaranteed" to become a "transition woman".<P>The book also warned against supporting the MM financially, since it tends to result in the OW acting like she has more control over the MM than he would like.<P>It warns OW's to avoid MM who don't have a clue why their marriage failed, and aren't willing to take some responsibility for it, and against MM who talk disrespectively to or about their wives, because someday that is how they will talk about the OW.<P>All of these things are true about my H's relationship with the OW. Plus there is the added complication of her 3 kids, who apparently virtually ignore him and vice versa, and our six kids, two of him want nothing to do with him, and somehow I doubt that her three kids look forward eagerly to the visits from our other four, one of whom gives new meaning to the word "spirited".<P>One would think with all these things working against it, that their relationship would not have much chance. Yet they have been seeing each other for 13 months now, and my H left 9 months ago, and he is pushing harder than ever for divorce.

Nellie,<BR>Who knows why your H suddenly decided to do what he did. Until HE is ready to confront HIS issues which have exploded in himself, he cannot take responsibility for where he is. As to why he is still on the relationship with Ow...probably because he is still not at a point where he can work on himself and maybe the OW is the reason now for him choosing not to do this as it is far too painful for him and perhaps he does not want to think that "the grass is not greener" away from you. Who really knows?. H clearly does not know why marriage failed...as you state you do not know, but it seems that nothing you could have done would have satisfied his desires (whatever they are) and that is why he searched on the net. Any relationship has to be problematic when a partner states what they do not want...rather than knowing what they do want out of it. Blaming the "betrayed" is easier. In your case it seems from his behaviour he did not want the burden of marriage as well as the children you have, but does not know why or what he wants...and therin lies the problem with the "mid-life crisis" It is fairly easy to intellectualize, but to live it as the betrayed (in more ways than the affair itself) is so very much harder.....<BR>How do you cope so very well???? I admire your strength and determination. I do not know if your H can even begin to understand what a special person he walked out on. <BR>You will find the strength to make it through this......Desert island time yet??? Where and when????

Nellie,<P>Sometimes I think one of the main reasons my H wanted out of the marriage was because he was tired of the responsibility of a family. Now he can go anywhere he wants anytime, has nothing to be responsible for except his job(he lives with his parents and his mother does everything for him). He has bought so many new toys for himself (jet-ski,4-wheeler, among other things), combine those with the child support he pays me and he is flat broke all the time. He sees his kids every other weekend and he is on the go from morning until bedtime all the other days. My mother says this is a sign of unhappiness since he can't settle down, but I think its a lot of fun. Under these ideal circumstances, who would want to go back to the burden of a family?<P>AD

willbok,<BR>I don't feel like I am coping very well at all. If I wake up during the night, it usually takes me an hour or more to get back to sleep - up until he left, all those years of nursing babies had trained me to go back to sleep before my head hit the pillow. I feel like I am not doing anything very well.<BR>already divorced,<BR>My H is in a somewhat situation, except the OW does everything for him. Although I don't think he has personally bought himself much, the OW can apparently buy anything she wants, and he can live a much more luxurious lifestyle with her.

well, maybe, from what the book said, there is SOME hope he will snap out of it. perhaps you should find a copy for your H's OW? she might get some ideas and kick him out!<P>-

Nellie,<BR>So sorry to hear about your pain. They msut still be in the "fun" stage. My stbx went to at least 2 concerts, I don't know how many movies, and to something at a playhouse, plus day trips, sometime type of beach at the lake.<BR>Sure sound like fun to me. Meanwhile, I'm at work 5 days a week and the kids were left to fend for themselves. When I told her she was living the good life, she said she had a pit in her stomach the whole summer(but she never made any attempt to end it). The affair broke down when the fun was decreasing for om. She told me she would never take the kids from me. How many other mother would say that?<P>There are a lot of scary books out there. I saw one on how fot the woman to get everything and more in the divorce. They said it was easier to get everything from a blue collar type guy because he would be able to hire a good attorney or hide things like a rich guy could. As for poor guys, they said you might as well stay married.