You said on Bonnet's post that you are here for professional reasons... what does that mean?<P>Just curious... are we being used as an experiment of some kind, or in a disseration??<P>Just me being paranoid...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I'm curious too....

Thanks guys, I read that and nearly fell of my chair. I thought I was doing so well, starting to get a grip on things and then had to read that. I don't know how I feel yet, I think I'm still in shock, at least it's a different perspective tho'.<BR>'Consider this' has made me think about my leaving H, even tho he was the betrayer. I moved away to Brisbane because he said he was moving out anyway, and I just couldn't have coped with that. He would've come over every night to see the girls, and then left my home probably to go to OW. how can someone take that. 'consider this' seems to be saying that because I left and moved, that the marriage is dead. Can that be true.<BR>Oh god, the turmoil is back. !!

Got his/her name wrong, it's obviously 'new beginning' and not 'consider this'<BR>Now I can't even read right !!<BR>Don't worry, I've got big huge gigantic shoulders and will cope with this.<P>Jo

Consider This, you "beg to differ with Dr. Harley's numbers"? Perhaps then, you could share with us YOUR "numbers" and also share with us the manner in which they were collected? You sound like the typical "UN-marriage" counselor that we who want to BUILD our marriages avoid like the plague. Dr. Harley's numbers are based on his own practice as well as statistics that I've seen reported by other counselors and authors ... I suppose they are ALL wrong?<P>I'm not altogether pleased with the idea that we are being studied for "business purposes." Perhaps you should lurk and not post if that is the case...<P>This is the Marriage Builders website ... if you are not contributing support and/or advice on how to "build" or "rebuild", please don't post. That's MY not so humble opinion, at least. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

Thanks Teri, I've read and re-read that post and now I have NO idea where I'm at. I can't stop crying for the absolute hopelessness of my situation. I was doing so well with all of you guys giving me your feedback and support, now I just don't know what the hell to think.<P>I'll get there. I'm going to read it AGAIN - maybe I missed something vital.!!!<P>Jo

Consider this,<P>I too, would like to know why exactly you are here.<P>If you have been lurking for any amount of time, you will notice that ALL of the people here are VERY committed to their marriages, and are willing to go to great lengths to save them.<P><BR>I think I speak for most people here.The people here are my friends and most of them are in GREAT pain. I think if you are using us as some kind of experiment, perhaps you have chosen the wrong site.<P>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited November 14, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited November 14, 1999).]

Looks like I wasn't the only one who had a stupified expression on my face reading the post. Wish I could have seem myself.<P>It let some wind out of my sails too! Even if I am heading towards divorce.<P>But remember it's just someone elses opinion. Our situations are all unique.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Thanks Medic and Ceecee<P>I think I'm still in shock. Who was that person, ??? Lostva's deep breathing technique helped1! but I think a G&T, or bourbon would help more!! no, I'm not serious, it's only 11.30 am here and I definitely don;t want to go down that path if I can help it !!! A hangover with a baby and a 4yo - what joy that would be.<BR>Going shopping now - MY own form of therapy!!<BR>Now, what shall I buy......not too bloody much on single parents benefits!!!<BR>Love and hugs to you all, and thanks<BR>jo

bonnet and others,<P>It's been a long while since I've posted on MB; I frequent another site but I'm sure terri will vouch for me (Hi terri ).<P>According to the profile for 'consider this,' he/she is an LA psychologist but this is, after all, the internet so who really knows.<P>Now 'consider this' did make some valid points:<P>--> ...it is important to get professional help and the support of family and friends to help maintain a position of strength... (isn't that why we read/post to MB or sites like this one? After all, an independent, secure person is so much more attractive than a needy, insecure person, don't you think?).<P>--> ...it is important for people stuck in a cycle of hope/despair to acquire the knowledge... (solutions-oriented is preferred to problem-oriented knowledge though, what do you think? Gosh, I already know what the problems are, why do I need to further identify them except to determine solutions not focus on them)<P>--> ...the focus here is too often on the other person's involvement... (it does take two to tango BUT if one changes the dance steps, the other generally does follow; we have no control over what another person does BUT we do have control over what we do so using MBing techniques does change the dance steps ).<P>--> ...set limits to what you will accept... (isn't that the premise for transitioning to Plan B from Plan A?)<P>--> ...someone must break the cycle of hope/despair for new life to begin... (isn't that what most of the MBers are doing, modifying our behaviors for a new 'life' whether it is with our current SOs, future SOs, or just on our own).<P>I'm sure there were possibly some other valid points made but those were the most important ones -- from my viewpoint and how I chose to read the post.<P>I'm an advocate of Michele Weiner-Davis (<I>Divorce Busting</I>), a solutions-oriented therapist. Our minds are very valuable resources and how we think impacts how we act/react. An example (borrowed from Michele's <I>Change Your Life and Everyone In It</I>) ...whatever you do, don <I>not</I> let an image of a pink elephant enter your mind... -- so what thought just went through your mind? LOL, mine too...in a purple tutu. This example falls within a portion of her book referring to how "Negatively stated goals evoke negative images."<P>So what is my point and do I really have one? LOL. Optimism sure beats pessimism any day...<P>PMA (positive mental attitude, right Sheba? ) out to you bonnet!<P><BR>(Ooops, sorry for the edits; guess we can't do bulleted lists).<BR>[This message has been edited by pondering (edited November 14, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by pondering (edited November 14, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by pondering (edited November 14, 1999).]

Gosh, I'm glad that wasn't my counselor or I'd have given up and not had the chance to experience the past 22 SUCCESSFUL months of rebuilding!!<P>"Statistics show that once a partner moves out, the chances for a solid reconcilliation drop dramatically."<P>OK, then I guess I'm in the minority on this one,,a minority I'm proud to be a part of. <P>"Consider the important questions about the affair to determine if it was simply a cry for help."<P>"Was it of short duration?"<P>No, 9-10 YEARS!! <P>"Was it a solitary event?"<P>Nope, not hardly.<P>"Is the affair over?"<BR> <BR>YES<BR> <BR>"Is the partner intent on commitment?"<P>Yes, but that's something we'll never know if we give up.<P>"Have the partner's declarations been consistent and reliable and backed by action?"<P>Yes, again, which I wouldn't have known if I had given up.<P>"If the answers to any of these questions is no, the marriage may be terminal. Releasing a dying marriage can bring sadness, but untold health and relief to both partners."<P>Hmm,, I counted two "no's". And we are doing great. Saving and rebuilding a salvagable marriage can bring untold health and relief to both partners too!!<P>Bonnet, no one can tell you if or when it's time to let go. YOU are the ONLY one that knows the answer to that. I feel that "Consider This" was perhaps trying to be helpful and I suppose all that info was something to "consider." But all the education in the world,,all the "clients" on earth, can not give you the knowledge learned by "walking in our shoes". <BR>

thanks nerlycrazy, it means a lot. I'm so glad your life is lovely again, I can't wait to be where you are, either with H or having those lovely delicious feelings that always happen with a new relationship.<BR>The post before you (can't remember name, sorry) said optimism is better than pessimism - how true. I will keep thinking that all day.<BR>I also like the bit about a strong independent person v an insecure dependent person. I've always been strong and independent, I guess I just have to find ME again.<BR>Thanks everyone<BR>Jo

You know what? Whether "Consider This" is here for professional reasons or not... it concerns me. <P>I am in a vulnerable position right now. I want and need to hear from others who understand because of a common bond of experience. If I want therapy, I will go to my therapist. <P>I am naive, I guess. I feel a kinship with folks here, and I consider them friends. Picture this: you are at a friends house and talking about something personal when a stranger steps in the house and says, "I've been listening outside the window, and I have something to say that might be helpful..." Helpful or not, I'm bugged.<P>Everyone is welcome here, and I certainly understand that. I wish he/she wouldn't have said they were here for professional reasons. Makes me feel like I'm being stalked. Just my take on things. Sorry if I've offended. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Everyone -<P>I find this extremely interesting....<P>Being that I was recently told by "counselor" that I should change to fit societal "norms" in order to lessen that blows to my "niceness"....This post by Consider This did not surprise me in the least....<P>Matter of fact, I would love for the "psychologist" to explain where :<P>1) Right and Wrong<BR>2) Responsibility<BR>3) Commitment / Integrity / Morals<BR>4) Escape<BR>5) Consideration of Others<BR>6) Breaking up of family unit<BR>7) Emotional (and other forms) of Cruelty to spouse, children and family members<BR>8) Escapee's personal growth / GOD<BR>9) Coping and Communication skills<BR>10) Escapee's own cycle of running instead of facing.....<P>fall into play with this "theory" that has been presented.<P>So, Consider This - if you are reading here....please address where in counseling today (for the most part,but not all!!) these things that I have listed play a part.<P>Thank you!!!!!<P>Hey Pondering - where have you been, woman!!!!! PMA - Darn Tootin' LOL!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Just to add to this - Consider This also replied to my thread "Owe H big apology" and his/her answer was exactly the same as this one, word for word. Interesting. I guess it is a standard workbook answer. I am interested in knowing who they are too.

I stand by my statements that:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If I want therapy, I will go to my therapist...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>and<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Picture this: you are at a friends house and talking about something personal when a stranger steps in the house and says, "I've been listening outside the window, and I have something to say that might be helpful..." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am, if it's possible, even more bugged than I was when I first read his/her response on Bonnet's thread. <P>I just don't feel comfortable about it. I'm dying to know who this person is... I wish he/she would come and answer us.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Me too, Sheryl<P>They've really throwm a spanner in my works today.<BR>I've gone shopping, (bought sausages and milk - what a treat!!) and tried not to think. I think it worked. <P>I hope they have the decency to explain where they are coming from, and what qualifications they have. I know that probably 99% of us don't have formal qualifications, but what is that expression about training on the job !!!<P>I never wanted this damn job anyway - I think I'll just get another. !!<P>I'm still smiling, and still hopeful.<P>Thanks for your support<P>Jo<BR>

Nerlycrzy, Liked your response. Also gave me hope that an affair that has gone on awhile can be overcome.<P>Sheba, also liked your response.<P>Sure wish CT would respond.<P>Melissa

Hi, everyone.<P>I have relayed your concerns with regard to "Consider This" to Steve Harley (Forum Administrator), and have asked him to read the posts made by this person as well as this thread. I, too, was and am concerned.<P><P>------------------<BR>Tempest, Moderator<BR>Marriage Builders<BR>Infidelity Forum<P>

WOW!!<P>Thank you, Tempest!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>