What were the actions, characteristics, words, or whatever else that made you really believe that you S was really ready to 'do whatever it takes' to make your marriage once again work... <P>where were you in your A / B at the time or whatever phase of the affair when this took place.<P>Were you sure when it occured that "This is it!" or were you hesitant...<P>I really want to KNOW when I KNOW that I KNOW without a doubt....<P>Share Please.... Im sure others would love some insight also...

I'm not really sure what "drew" me here tonight, but I hope I can help. I am 6/7 months (depends on how you look at it) into recovery. How/when did I know? I don't know if I really even know "for sure" now. BUT, I do know that I'm giving it my best shot again. My h helped me by becoming extremely attentive to me, open, honest, and caring. He puts up with my "bad" days -- yes, I still have them - but they aren't as bad and don't last as long. He answers my questions (you know, the same ones, over and over again). He lets me know his whereabouts at ALL times so I don't have to play guessing games. I have access to his mobile and work voice mail (just in case I feel the need to "check" -- I don't do this as often anymore, either). <BR>There are no easy answers and even as sweet as he is now, there is still some doubt in my head. I want to accept this for what it appears to be, but I don't want to be the "fool" again. One thing my counselor told me helped -- if he does it AGAIN, I am not the fool for trusting him again, HE is the fool for losing me. Because he WILL lose me and this time, he KNOWS it. He knows I can't take another emotional blow like this ever again. So, if he risks it, he risks me.<BR>I hope this helps. Hang in there.<BR>

u2Bc,<BR>My H is simular to sis's. <BR>My H also documented every thing he did, even gave me proof with out asking, seemed to want to be upfront about all his actions and where-abouts, so that I would trust him. Called me everytime he turned around. Started worring about me more, even if I was in the bathroom to long. Wanted me to go everywhere with him, even to the grocery store right up the road. Took all the bad with the good without complaining. It was his idea from day one of recovery to go to counselling! (it took 2 months after discovery of his 3 year affair to start feeling this way) I guess he just decided to give all his energy to us, and he was scared of loosing me. We talked alot, without yelling, (I had to work on that one) about our feeling for each other. This helped him get through withdrawl.<P> At about 1 year, he realized it was her fault too and started having bad feeling towards her. Mostly he stayed, he was patient, and his feelings for me grew because of the pain I was feeling, even with all the hell I put him through! Yes, I always wondered and worried. Grew really tired of how I felt alot of times.<P>We have been in recovery for 21 mo., I still have moments, I still hurt. It was alot of work, but worth every second, every tear. Our Marriage is so strong now! We've been married 30 years. Lots of good memories to hold us together. <P>I agree with sis, it will always be in my mind, I too will never do this again, my H also knows that.<P>Almost Happy<P>-------<BR>TIME <p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited November 15, 1999).]

cozy, I'm not sure there really is a "this is it" at the time, at least not in my case. It kind of came slowly, unnoticed, untilit was here.<BR>Many people in here know me although I haven't been posting much lately. My H's affair was in June98, discovered as it started. Ended in October. Was I sure that was it? Not really, specially since she kept calling for a while longer. It helped that he gave me his pager, and would let me hear his messages . But no. AT that time I was still insecure, and trust was not at the best.<BR>I was in what i snow called plan A - didn't know about the forum then.AT the time I did what seemed more logical, and learned by trial and error. If something didn't seem to be working I would just adjust it. <BR>However H's actions did change and that helped. From "I want out now " to " I'm just savingmoney for an apartment" to " I'm here aren't I" to " I'm realy glad I stayed". Starting again to think of us, and including us in what he was doing or thinking helped too. But this was all a slow process even after the affair ended. WE both had to heal. Making the decision to stay and work on the marriage wasn't exactly the same thing as having all the problems solved. Or even a guarantee that they could be solved.<BR>It was just an understanding ( finally ) that we would never know if it could work if we didn't try it, and that it was quite difficult and illogical to try while seing her at the same time. It defeated the purpose.<P>We went like this for a couple of months. Both reconecting with each other, relearning all about each other, discovering interesting things about each other and our needs.He batling is guilt that showed up late but made a big entrance Me worring about lack of trust which was the thing that was bothering me the most.<BR>I'm not sure of how or when it happened, but one day I just realised I did trust him again - a different kind of trust but even that was good, the innocent trust from before was too simplistic anyways. And then he was finally able to talk about what had happened - without being defensive or trying to justify anything -. And he was telling me how good it was to be out of fantasy land. And that he really couldn't understand what had happened - could he have been kidnapped by extraterrestrials??? We still joke about that. -. SOmeone wrote something today that was just true in our case.It was true that there was something not going that well in the marriage before the affair, but up to them it wasn't really creating such a bad marriage that the only choice was leaving. Just when the affair started everything took enourmous proportions, in order to justify the affair.I guess that when I saw that he finally realised that, I felt that "this seems to be it !". And that didn't happen upon discovery or even when the affair ended, But about 2/3 months later.<BR>After some "rebuilding time had passed "<BR>We are now past one year since rebuilding started. Our marriage is strong and we are now quite aware of how it should work. <BR>It is not perfect, nothing is, but it's very close. We're both happy that we gave it a try, and didn't just quit.<BR>Hope this helps.<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

You guys are all great! I love hearing success stories, and these will help all of us that are waiting for that 'reconciliation point' to not think that "POOF" its going to be perfect... Still work, but worth it...<P>Any more out there... I know there is!<P>cozy

Well, this ain't sexy, but it made me sure W was really sorry and really ready to recommit:<P>1) The first day after discovery, I listed four conditions she'd have to meet for me to stay with her: (1) she had to end all contact; (2) she had to go to counseling; (3) she had to call her parents and tell them what she did (and ask for forgiveness); and (4) she had to talk to my parents and my brother (the only family members I told), and apologize to them for what she put the family through.<P>She did ALL of them. Wasn't easy to call her parents and tell them what she did, but she did it. Really made me see that she was serious about reconciling.<P>2) She put up with my mood swings and my anger about the whole thing. Would have been easy to allow me to let my anger consume me, but she made me talk about the difficult stuff, even when I didn't want to.<P>3) Not a day has gone by since it happened that she hasn't told me how much she loves me. And, she's <I>acted</I> like it. <BR><P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>