Hey all, i need your opinions. I had an affair 2 years ago with a MM, who happened to be my friend and H friend ( i know, i was awful ) H and I are working on our relationship and coming along better every day. He tried to confront his x-friend after he found out, but he wasnt at home, and we have had nothing to do with the Om and his W. His W and i had our words after this came out, so I am sure it helped her to be able to let me have it. But H has not had that chance with the OM. He saw him the other day in town ( passing) and came home in a baddddddd mood... I am wondering if it would help him at all to at least be able to have his say with him? I am wondering if this would help us too, since I seem to get his anger for the Om...<BR>H has wanted to confront him many times and hasnt been able to. If it was done in the beginning of this coming out, I am sure it would have been ugly. But now time has passed and I am sure it wouldnt be physical, but I think my H needs to release his anger and disappointment in order to move forward.<BR>What do you think? Remember this is an x- good friend of his.<BR>I want to continue to move forward in our repair, and i dont know if we can, if he doesnt get his chance to say what he wants to say to him. thanks

That's a tough question but I sense that your marriage is doing well since the discovery. Why would you want to involve the om now since you and your H are doing well. What does your H want accomplish by talking to his x-friend-it seems to me that he is still involved with his w and your h is still with you, why not move on. Keep focusing on the rebuilding and not the past. Has your H said what he wants to do when confronts the om-I believe the om knows it is over unless your h wants to drive that point into the om's head some more. But this could be a double edged sword the om could think that you and your h still talk about him and even worse that you still think about om. Do you know what your H wants to accomplish?<P>God Bless

Hmmm... My wife has been wanting to confront the OW as well. I can't really say much to her, cuz it'll sound like I'm protecting her (to tell the truth, I probably was before). What I do say is that in the long run it will probably not help anyone. There are way too many feelings that get brought back to the top...<P>My wife says she wants to make the OW hurt as much as she did. She also wants to let her know exactly how badly she ruined her life, etc. Basically she wants to lay a huge guilt trip on her. Can't say as I blame her.<P>--airheart

Patty,<P>Isiah made good points. You apparently do not love the OM, so why does your H need to remind the OM about it? The time for any confrontation is way past. It would accomplish nothing. Your H should look at himself, figure out what needs he failed to meet, and move on. By confronting someone who is no longer a threat to the marriage, he is looking for someone to blame. His ego was bruised--poor baby--but life goes on.<P>Sounds like you and your H are doing well. Don't mess up a good thing.

I wouldn't give the OM the time of day if he asked me. I am also unsure if I could control my anger. If he pursues my W again, I'll confront him face to face and it won't be out of compassion.<P>If your marriage is moving forward (as mine is), don't bring the OM into the picture again. If he is out of your lives, keep him out of your lives. Only if your H has this need, support it, otherwise don't push him.<P>The anger your getting from your H will occur whether he confronts OM or not. <P>Hang in there and keep OM out of your lives.

thanks for yor input guys. The OM failed to leave me alone when i ended my affair with him, and spent over a year pursing me. ( before the affair was made known to the spouses ) The final straw was when he came by the house and was all over me, long after i ended the affair. i had to throw him out of the house. Even after that he continued to call, and try to see me. After this came out he has left me alone. I think H just wants to let him know that he had better not come near me or try to contact me.<BR>H is the one who wants to talk with the OM..<BR>its not something I wanted, but now I see that this eats at him, and so i was wondering if it would help HIM if he did it.<BR>Picture this : your good friend sleeps with and has an affair with your wife.. can anyone<BR>just go on and never say a word to this friend?? He says he cant pretend it didnt happen, and let the guy get away with it.<BR>I have no feelings for the OM, he is in the past for me.I only want to be able to go on with my life, make my husband happy again, and i was wondering if he would be able to move forward too, with not saying anything to the OM. I hope so.<BR>The Om's wife had her say with me, and I am sure it helped her. Thanks for the advice :-)

Hello again Patty,<P>In my case my husband had an affair with someone that I did not know and it, too, was over a long time before I found out. I called the woman, or girl as I should call her, after I found out. She's 10 years younger than my H. Nothing can irk a woman more than that. Especially since I turned the big 30 shortly after finding out. Anyhow, I contacted her and I can tell you that it did a world of good. The only difference is that I didn't call her to have words with her. I just wanted information. She never really considered it an affair because he mostly called to ***** about me. She was a sounding board. Although he did, after 3 years, go over to her house to have sex. He chickened out and never called her again. Something she confirmed. Although they did do the petting routine. When he called her, I was listening in, and she very excitedly said, "H" OH MY GOD, LONG TIME NO TALK! HOW ARE YOU????" He told her that his marriage was in serious jeopardy and that I needed to speak to her. She was nervous, but later told me that she would not have spoken to me, out of fear, if he did not sound so scared. She did give me a lot more information than he did. For that, I wasn't pleased. I would rather have heard how many times he called, or how often he stopped by her work, from his mouth. But, I think I got most of the details. And when I had some questions a few months later, she again took my call and we spoke for 3 hours. She was so apologetic about the time he went to her house, but until then she had only thought of him as a friend. She did relay that she told her roommate how much respect she had for him for chickening out, until her smart friend reminded her that a married man who would come over for sex didn't have much integrity. How naive she was. <P>Sorry for the rambling. In some cases calling the ex-OP is a good idea. If it will make your H feel better to tell him off, I am all for it. I am sure a lot of his resentment comes from not confronting his "friend". It might eat at him, or it might subside with time. I say whatever makes him feel better. He needs to do what feels right to him. I know confronting the OM isn't a popular opinion around here. But he needs to do whatever will help him move on. As long as it doesn't involve illegal activity, of course. <P>BTW, have you inquired about a therapist yet? <P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller