My ex-H is another one who has rewritten the history of our marriage. He has taken tiny things and blown them way out of proportion, things he never mentioned before the affair.<BR>If he was unhappy in our marriage he never showed it, always showing me love and affection. Is it commone for him to find all these faults now? He says he never had a life of his own, he had more of one than I did, we have two kids and you know how time-consuming that is. The things he says really hurt me, but is most of it a justification of his affair? Does he believe it himself and will he always? He now says he didn't commit adultery!!! Will he always think the marriage was awful?<P>AD

My boyfriend has done some of this during our affair. He does a lot less now. I think this is because the the therapy they went through before he finally left. I think communication is a big problem in a lot of marriages. I think people keep things inside and thing their spouse should just know they are unhappy about something. He told me his therapist told him that when people are happy they usually think other people are happy even if they are not. You H might have thought he let you know in some way but you didn't pay attention. My boyfriend sees now that he did not do nearly enough in trying to let his W know how unhappy he was. He wishes he had done that before he had an affair. But he did spend a year and a half working hard with no idea that I might still be available and no contact with me. He still feels he was unhappy in his marriage, but he also feels that it was his fault for not saying so loud and clear. Your H should have let you know instead of keeping it all in. Keeping it in was not fair to you and didn't give you a chance to try and fix things.

Hi AD,<BR> Have you read Private Lies by Frank Pittman? According to him most of the betrayed would not even recognize their marriages as told by the betrayers.....it is justification and trying to convince themselves and others how bad it was. It's a great book and might make you feel better reading it.... How long have you been divorced? Did your H marry the OW? According to Pittman he's in for a rough time.....Lu

Lu,<P>Thank your for your reply. That's what I needed to hear. I have ordered that book. I've been divorced 2 mos., only four months after affair was discovered. He didn't tell me, I caught him and he left. Affair is still going strong. Of course, he says the OW had nothing to do with this. He and I have completely different versions of our marriage. This is from a man who always told me how much he loved me and what a good wife I was. Now he says our marriage was never what it should have been. Of course, he also says he didn't sleep with OW until the divorce was final.<P>AD

The day before he left, my H claimed he had been feeling that way for "weeks, maybe months". By a few weeks later, he had decided that he had been unhappy for 5 years, and that he made a mistake marrying me.<P>Not only did he never tell me he was unhappy with our marriage, I had asked him on a number of occasions what was wrong when he seemed depressed, and he never once mentioned the marriage. I had even specifically asked him if it was something to do with me, and he said no. This can not be explained away by saying he didn't communicate clearly.<P>As I read on another board, perhaps he never realized how unhappy he was in our marriage until the OW told him.

AD-<BR>My H says he can't remember there being any good times, he even went so far as to re-write a new version about how we got pregnant. We planned to start a family, did some preliminary tests, and then started trying. Now he's saying she was an "accident" and that he stuck around to see me through the birth. UGH!<P>I think it's very common for them to re-write their history, always making the ensuing actions (affairs & lies) take on a more favourable light. It's a coping mechanism, until they are ready to deal with it. That is, if they are ever ready to deal with the mess they've made. If they never get to that point, then they feel safer in their fabricated cocoon of past events.<P>Even the events in my last 4 weeks since discovery has him picturing a different version than me. He sees me as angry, irrational, and uncaring. I feel that I've been restrained in reacting too strongly, I've mostly done the falling apart while alone, and within a week or two of the discovery he had commented "Boy, had I known how well you would have taken this, I'd have told you sooner, rather than driving myself crazy with all the stress of leading a double life and trying to end the affair". Now he's changed his tune.<P>As Nellie said, he didn't realise how "unhappy" he was until someone told him, in my case it was MIL. She has never liked me much and has seized the opportunity to rid her life of me. Am I being too harsh? Na! Just truthful. She keeps telling him that he had to be extremely unhappy to start to look outside the marriage for emotional stroking while I was pregnant. And he believes her.<P>My counsellor has suggested that this is due to the fact they can't cope with what's happened, and that they have lost control. She says that while they carry on the affair, and have 2 or more women pandering to their needs, and are able to orchastrate with which one they spend time, their feeling of control (of their lives, of other people, who knows?) is great. But once the cat is out of the bag so to speak, things (emotions, what is and isn't said or done) spiral out of control and they retreat into fantasy land.<P>LU- What do you mean he's in for a rough time? <P>Wishing you well,<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

Hi Black Heart,<BR> Sorry it took so long to get back to you....In Private Lies by Frank Pittman he describes the usual turn of events when one person leaves the marriage and then tries to make a go of it with the OP...for instance he says that the betrayer will go around rewriting history and maybe convince some people that things were so bad but deep down they know the truth...that plus the guilt starts to eat away at them.....meanwhile, the one betrayed is moving on with their life and starting to feel better. He says usually the betrayed feeling better and the betrayer falling apart happen around the same time....got all that??!!! Anyway, it's a great book and SO true.....Lu

The more he convinces himself the marriage was never good, the easier it is for him to cope & justify his actions. If he was unhappy it's his fault for not making himself heard. I've had issues with my marriage for sometime now, and while I complained, and tried to fix things, he never really heard me. Took me telling him I was having feelings for another man to shake him up a bit, but at least now I am heard and we can start trying to repair if he's willing. Don't let your ex block out your good memories of a marriage that he chose to throw away.