My wife and I have been hapilly married for the past ten years. We dated for 5 years before our mariage and she is the only woman that I have ever been with. We first had sex about a year after we started dating and my wife has always told me that I was the first person that she had had sex with. that she was a "virgin". Once during the 3rd year of our dating she had a fling with another guy and she told me about it, I accepted it and tryed to get over it which I basically have. However, Last week we got into a discussion about her past and she revealed to me that she had not been truthful with me and that I had not been her "first" and that she had been with two other men before we dated.<BR>I am having trouble not only dealing with the fact that I had been lyed to for all these years but also I can not get the thought of her with someone else out of my mind. It is tearing me up inside. Not to mention the fact that I see both of the guys pretty often and it just stirs up all of these feeling I am having... I love my wife very much but how do I get over this? Should I seek professional help?

Man, I am almost in the same situation that you are. I was also a virgin when I met my wife. I knew, though, that she had been with someone else prior to me. At the time I dealt with it and had gotten over it. Now 13 years later I found out that she had been with at least 5 different people prior to having sex with me. Talk about a mind f**k!<P>I too am having a difficult time getting the images out of my head. My only hope is that through the passing of time the images will fade and I will come to terms with my virginity.<P>Tell me, do you think that you would be better able to cope with this had you had a few partners prior to your wife? I know that I would. One of the things that pulls me through all of this is the fact that my wife chose me over the other guys. She had told me that she has never had sex like she has had with me. From the way she reacts, I think she is telling the truth.<P>Good luck.

Gentlemen!!!<BR>Please let the past stay with the past. Look at what your wife is now, not during the dating process. Sir, don't start anything that is not there, what about if she didn't tell you at all. <P>Let it go, vent your frustration to this board, counselor or someone neutral,don't even let her know its eating you because eventually it'll eat your healthy relationship out. Cause she would cut you off from future discussions. Let it go, enjoy the good person she is to you today. Forgive her past and move on, easier said than done, but give yourself that gift.<P>Life is short.

I agree with Lifeishort, we need to forgive and forget our wives' past. There is not a thing we can do to change the past. I know that forgiving is easier than forgetting, but hopefully the images will become distant memories making you think that it really did not even happen. We need to remember that our wives are with us and no one else.<P>Athens, enjoy the sex you are having with your wife. I know that I can't even imagine it being any better than it is with my wife. She definitely knows that it is the best. I am sure your wife thinks the same thing.<P>I really don't think you need counseling at this point. Coming here and posting is an excellant starting point. Continue to discuss your feelings with your wife. She does need to know how you feel and what you are thinking about when you won't look at or talk to her. Just remember how special she is to you. No other man has enjoyed your wife the way that you have. They may have been with your wife, but they will never know the love and share in the desires that you get to with your wife. I am sure that they are jealous of you.<P>In my own situation, my wife looks the best she has in her entire life. I know that no other man has gotten to enjoy her sexy petite body like I have. And I have been informed that no other man ever will.<P>Good luck Athens. Remember you have a fellow comrade out there that is in the same situation as you.

How about a womans point of view.<P>My current relationship (will be married in june) had almost the same thing. My fiencee and I both had other partners. The catch is that I had more then he did. He does not look upon that as a threat except to ask me once if he was good enough. I reassured him that he was because he is the one I am with and no one else.<P>But during our first few months of dating we both had flings that we regret having. Mine was with my ex who is quite forceful in the bedroom situations (i never see him for this reason) and his was with someone who did the same thing to him that mine did to me. We were put upagainst our hormones and they won. <P>Needless to say that once in a while I still have trouble thinking of it...BUT I have learned that praying to GOD and that putting the past behind me and carry on works BUT REMEMBER it takes TIME and energy and effort on both parties. She has to promise and do as she promises not to cheat. And you have to NOT bring up her past unless she needs to talk to you.<P>Think about it this way. She IS coming clean with you instead of hiding the truth from you!!!!! That is the most hardest part. She probally was being torn apart and that is where everyone goes wrong becuase they get angry and leave each other before they are able to talk about it.<P>Sit down an talk to her about how your feeling. Be calm and you will see that you will be able to work through this.<P>------------------<BR>Thanks all,<BR>Vixy

Athens, let us know how you are progressing.

Thanks for all the responses--believe it or not they have really helped.<BR>We are both getting along very well with each other--- I still have those Demons of her past to deal with and I'll be honest not a day goes by that I dont think about it. but I truly hope that time and good people like you on this message board willhelp ease the pain that I feel. As they say forgiving is easey but forgetting seems to take the longest time--I still need help from anyone who is in this same sitution and I believe that we all can help each other--thanks<BR>athens955

Athens, glad to see you post again! I always knew that there had to be someone else out there that going through the same thing that I am. There is no easy answer on how you should deal with your wife's revelation.<P>I too think about my wife's past everyday and I found out about it back in October of '00. Other people out there might think that we are wasting our time on dwelling about our wives' past, but our situations are unique. Both of us have only had sex with our wives. It is a lot harder to deal with this situation when you were a "virgin." Especially when you think of you wife sleeping with someone else. It burns me up inside. You may want to read my post under this topic and the one I entitled "Revenge, why is it such a bad idea?" You will be able to read my story. Shortly after I found out, all I could do is think about revenge (sleeping with someone else). I have came a long way since those posts, but I still ponder the idea every once in a while. My reasoning behind this would be that my wife and I would be on the same playing level once I slept with someone else. Pretty stupid reasoning, huh?<P>What we have to remember is that we cannot change the past. There is nothing they can do to change the past either. The present and the future, though, are under our control and I for one plan on making the most out of it.<P>Keep posting. Maybe someone else in our situation will come forth. I also need to thank you for coming forth. You can't imagine how much your post is helping me out.<P>jsg

Well, here is another one coming forth!<P>First, I just want to say how happy I am that I've found this place! I've been searching all over the Internet trying to find some advice on how to deal with this issue. I've found different articles on this topic, but nothing is so helpful as just reading posts from other guys who are dealing with the same problems. I think that simply writing out your story and posting it for others who are in the same situation is probably as therapeutic as anything!<P>So, what's my story? Well, I'm engaged to a wonderful woman and set to be married later this year. Only problem is that now I'm having difficulty coming to terms with her past. Perhaps the strangest thing about this is the fact that it didn't bother me as much earlier in our relationship. Relatively early on we talked a little about our pasts, including our past relationships. This of course included disclosing how many sexual partners we'd had. I discovered that she had been with five guys and she learned that I was still a virgin. We also discussed how different our lives were before we met. I was more the type to have a handful of really good friends who would just get together and enjoy ourselves -- no need for lots of bars, drinking, and such. She, on the other hand, frequented the bar scene regularly, drank quite frequently, and of course smoked at all the cool parties (including marijuana). This, however, doesn't really bother me that much. It just illustrates how different we were prior to meeting. She also "fooled around" with upwards of 12-13 guys, whereas the number for me was closer to 2-3.<P>Anyway, at the time when we were discussing these things, I was at a point in my life where I was extremely busy and almost all of my free time was accounted for and organized. Maybe I just didn't have as much time to think about it then. For the past few months however, I've slowed down and found myself becomming more and more bothered by the different things she has done in the past. I've also noticed that certain things tend to trigger me to think about it, such as sexual scenes in movies, etc. (Images of my fiance and the five other guys she was with come to my mind and can be very disturbing at times.)<P>Another thing I've had trouble with is how casual some of these sexual relationships appear to have been. One of the guys was just a "friend of a friend" and lasted for a couple of months one summer. Another lasted about a month, but still involved sex! The others were a little more serious, but still somewhat bothersome to me.<P>Well, I know that there are a wide variety of factors involved in why her past bothers me so much. Jealousy and insecurity are certainly near the top of the list. But also important in my case is my religious upbringing. I was raised to view sex as a very sacred bond to be shared by two people after making the commitment of marriage, and even that it was sinful to have sex prior to marriage. For a while, I was giving serious consideration to how important the act of sex could possibly be to her, given that she appeared to take it so lightly in the past. <P>Well, although I'm getting better with this (again, probably getting more busy), I still find myself wondering how much trust I really have in her. I sometimes wonder how easy it might be for her to have an affair later in our marriage, given the fact it was so easy for her to have sexual relationships in the past. She has a very engaging personality and I'm sure it even appears flirty to some. I find myself worrying sometimes that this, combined with her past behavior, might create a situation where an affair could occur easier than it might for someone else.<P>Of course, like everyone, I've discussed my feelings with her. She gets extremely tearful and saddened, and tells me how important it is to her that I trust her. She occasionally gets defensive about me bringing up her past, and with good reason. But sometimes I feel so bothered by it that talking about it with her is the only way to get "past" it. I think I can tell from her tears and very emotional reactions that she would never cheat on me, but for some reason I still find myself thinking about it. <P>Of course absolutely none of this is very comforting to me, given our upcoming marriage. I find myself going through a variety of emotions, including anger at her for doing those things and fear of what she might do in the future. She is very good at detecting when I'm upset, and I'm afraid this whole thing is starting to effect our relationship.<P>ANYWAY, this post is a little long. I look forward to reading any responses and hope this might help. I hope this board stays active, as we can all benefit from sharing our experiences!<P>

Welcome aboard, looknup!<P>I am also the number 6 guy. I also find that movies portraying casual sex set me off. Immediately I start to think how my wife was just as casual with some of the guys that she had sex with. It eats me up inside and I have been married to her for almost 11 years. I, not unlike you, was not bothered with her sexual past when we got married. The problem became when I found out that she had been with three other guys while we were dating. I only found this out this past October. Then the images and feelings came back stronger than ever.<P>You are very lucky that you have the opportunity to deal with this prior to marriage. I have fantasized about being back in the position that you are with the knowledge that I have now. Don't take this as advice on what you should do, but I know that given the opportunity to go back I would have sex with someone else. Sounds selfish doesn't it? The reason for doing so is that I would not be committing adultery such as I would now. Sure I would still be committing fornication, but I think I could live with that. <P>I am assuming that you and your fiance are having sex, correct? How long had you two been dating prior to having sex? My wife and I dated for almost 6 months prior to having sex and during that time was when she cheated on me. She did not know at that time that I was a virgin and assumed that my non-advances meant that I was cheating on her while away in another town attending college so she decided to cheat herself. She absolutely hates herself for what she had done. She has gone into severe depression over this and has contemplated divorce. I love my wife very much and can see the remorse in her words and actions. I do forgive her. The problem, which you are currently dealing with, is forgetting the past.<P>I have a long way to go in that regard, but hopefully someday I will not think about it on a daily basis. Thanks for posting and good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by jsg (edited March 06, 2001).]

Any updates or more questions?

Well I just want to say that I know what some of these guys are feeling. I found out from my wife a couple or few months after we started going out that she was with other guys, I don't really like that but there is nothing that I can do about it, just to deal with it, and this past summer that before her and I met, when she was out partying and whatever that she had a threesome with two guys. Well knowing this stuff, honestly to say I hate it with a passion, but i've sorta come to realize that there is nothing that I can do about. I have a sexual past, but I don't think as intense as hers, but I honestly regret my past... I wish and wished that I could change it, as well as hers, but we can't so... the bottom line is to just deal with it the best way I can.<BR>

I am under a similiar situation myself except the fact that I am a woman. I hav been married for 6 years now. After one week of my marriage my husband confided that he had an affair prior to our marriage. At that time I was getting to terms with the sudden death of my sister and did not react much to his affair. Now after 6 years it has become a major issue to me and my sex life is getting affected. I keep on thinking what exactly might have happened. I am tormented . At times I wonder whether they had oral sex or even whether he kissed her all over and every minute detail and get very upset. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by looknup:<BR><B>Well, here is another one coming forth!<P>First, I just want to say how happy I am that I've found this place! I've been searching all over the Internet trying to find some advice on how to deal with this issue. I've found different articles on this topic, but nothing is so helpful as just reading posts from other guys who are dealing with the same problems. I think that simply writing out your story and posting it for others who are in the same situation is probably as therapeutic as anything!<P>So, what's my story? Well, I'm engaged to a wonderful woman and set to be married later this year. Only problem is that now I'm having difficulty coming to terms with her past. Perhaps the strangest thing about this is the fact that it didn't bother me as much earlier in our relationship. Relatively early on we talked a little about our pasts, including our past relationships. This of course included disclosing how many sexual partners we'd had. I discovered that she had been with five guys and she learned that I was still a virgin. We also discussed how different our lives were before we met. I was more the type to have a handful of really good friends who would just get together and enjoy ourselves -- no need for lots of bars, drinking, and such. She, on the other hand, frequented the bar scene regularly, drank quite frequently, and of course smoked at all the cool parties (including marijuana). This, however, doesn't really bother me that much. It just illustrates how different we were prior to meeting. She also "fooled around" with upwards of 12-13 guys, whereas the number for me was closer to 2-3.<P>Anyway, at the time when we were discussing these things, I was at a point in my life where I was extremely busy and almost all of my free time was accounted for and organized. Maybe I just didn't have as much time to think about it then. For the past few months however, I've slowed down and found myself becomming more and more bothered by the different things she has done in the past. I've also noticed that certain things tend to trigger me to think about it, such as sexual scenes in movies, etc. (Images of my fiance and the five other guys she was with come to my mind and can be very disturbing at times.)<P>Another thing I've had trouble with is how casual some of these sexual relationships appear to have been. One of the guys was just a "friend of a friend" and lasted for a couple of months one summer. Another lasted about a month, but still involved sex! The others were a little more serious, but still somewhat bothersome to me.<P>Well, I know that there are a wide variety of factors involved in why her past bothers me so much. Jealousy and insecurity are certainly near the top of the list. But also important in my case is my religious upbringing. I was raised to view sex as a very sacred bond to be shared by two people after making the commitment of marriage, and even that it was sinful to have sex prior to marriage. For a while, I was giving serious consideration to how important the act of sex could possibly be to her, given that she appeared to take it so lightly in the past. <P>Well, although I'm getting better with this (again, probably getting more busy), I still find myself wondering how much trust I really have in her. I sometimes wonder how easy it might be for her to have an affair later in our marriage, given the fact it was so easy for her to have sexual relationships in the past. She has a very engaging personality and I'm sure it even appears flirty to some. I find myself worrying sometimes that this, combined with her past behavior, might create a situation where an affair could occur easier than it might for someone else.<P>Of course, like everyone, I've discussed my feelings with her. She gets extremely tearful and saddened, and tells me how important it is to her that I trust her. She occasionally gets defensive about me bringing up her past, and with good reason. But sometimes I feel so bothered by it that talking about it with her is the only way to get "past" it. I think I can tell from her tears and very emotional reactions that she would never cheat on me, but for some reason I still find myself thinking about it. <P>Of course absolutely none of this is very comforting to me, given our upcoming marriage. I find myself going through a variety of emotions, including anger at her for doing those things and fear of what she might do in the future. She is very good at detecting when I'm upset, and I'm afraid this whole thing is starting to effect our relationship.<P>ANYWAY, this post is a little long. I look forward to reading any responses and hope this might help. I hope this board stays active, as we can all benefit from sharing our experiences!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

To Mermaid:<P>6 years later and you still have not gotten over his affair prior to your marriage. That revelation doesn't give me much hope that I will be getting over my wife's prior cheating anytime soon. I just found out about in Oct. '00 after 10 years of marriage. Needless to say, I was devastated when I found out. I was hoping, though, that through the passage of time the pain would go away. It has for the most part, but I still ponder the same things that you described everyday.<P>Please tell us more of your story i.e. why he did it, with whom, and why he told you.

Wow, it's a relief to find this place. The stuff that people wrote who were virgins when they got married, but married people who were not virgins could have been written by me. <P>My husband has a past. I don't even need to say all the feelings I have about it, like it bothering me a lot more now that we've been married for a few months than it did when we were first dating, and the images I have in my head of it.....how sometimes I worry I won't be enough for him....<P>He told me he was not a virgin, that he's done things he's ashamed of, but he told me I "don't want to know" about his sexual past. I feel like I really want to know, because I think it's affecting us now, and I know it affects him in the bedroom. I also feel like there's a big chunk of him that I don't know about. Here's my big question, and please, please, please, I need an answer. Should I ask him about his sexual past? Will the details haunt me worse than my imagination can?<P>I hate thinking of myself as number 75, plus or minus 5. No, I didn't ask him, that's just what my imagination tells me. How special can I be if he doesn't even remember the first time I gave him oral sex? Okay, I will not vent yet. I want some advice.

I don't think you want to know!!! And I don't think it matters!!!! In this case I would say "ignorance is bliss". If you have images that haunt you knowing the little you know - You will never be able to handle the big stuff. I had hundreds of partners before meeting my SO and he had very few - some of the stuff he knows he lets haunt me and in my book it is unfair to do this. He asked - I told. For that my honesty was punished. As a result there are several things I will never tell him - his reaction killed my ability to be perfectly honest (it's not safe). The catch is - none of this matters now. I love him deeply. I do not picture these people when we are doing it. Here's where all those partners got me, It made me realize that sex does not really matter. You can have sex with anyone. But the heart and the soul are what matters. His heart and his soul are the things I love and do not want to loose. His heart and his soul are the things that makes sex with him what it is. I know THAT is the rare thing out there. SEX IS NOTHING, PORN IS NOTHING, SEXY BODIES ARE NOTHING. LOVE IS EVERYTHING!!!!!!<P>Leave it be and let it go - he wants your heart and soul.

Thanks. You have a good point that if even the small part I do know haunts me, even more information might be too much to handle. <P>But it's really sad to hear people say sex is nothing. That only seems to come from people who've treated it that way. Sex is something really great for me, and I want my husband to feel the same way. (Although he says he loves it with me).<P>One other thing - I have never and would never hold anything against my husband, no matter what he tells me. The only reason I could wait so long to have sex was because I relied on God to help me, if I had been alone like he was, I would not have made it either. He is actually far more judgemental about people than I am now, too, because he is only beginning to realize that you don't do anything good on your own. (At least this is how I believe).<P>Has anyone out there asked and really regreted it? Or asked and felt relieved? Personally, I'd feel relieved if he "only" did it with 50 others. <P>One thing that helps me is to think that I have him for the rest of my life, and so every time we have sex, it cancels out a time he had sex with someone else, because your brain can only hold so many memories. I know it's silly, but once I thougt of it that way, it doesn't seem to hurt as much.<P>Oh, and just one more thing, I promise. I've been thinking about what he might tell me, and I don't know if I would feel worse if he had sex with 10 or 100. With ten, they maybe meant more to him, with 100, they could have meant less. But then again, it's 100 people. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by prettygarnet:<BR><B>it's really sad to hear people say sex is nothing. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sorry , I may have not been clear. What I ment by that was Sex in itself is of no significant meaning and therefor of no value (no meaning, no value = nothing). But Sex with someone who's heart and soul is yours - there is absolutely no way to describe that with any justice. All I can say is ......... OH JOY !!!!!!!!!!!! And that is what I have with my man now that I have not had with anyone ever in the past - that is why he is the absolute best I have ever been with.<p>[This message has been edited by heikefrank69 (edited June 21, 2001).]

To prettygarnet:<P>Believe me you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't" with this particular topic. I, like yourself, had horrible images of my wife having sex with numerous partners. I had to know the numbers because your mind always make think that there are more than there really were. I asked and she told. She had sex with 5 people prior to me. Unfortunately 2 of them were while we were dating. I have not been real interested in the details of the encounters, but bits and pieces have come to light since I initially asked her for the number. The details do hurt, but they are no where near the images that I had in my head. There is some relief in knowing that I am by far the best lover she has ever had (her words not mine). According to her, the love that we share makes our love making more intense and pleasurable. I have to agree, but I don't know for sure because she is the only person I have had sex with.<P>This is definitely a personal decision that you alone have to make. I can tell you, though, that knowing is a lot better than not knowing. Your mind always thinks the worse. Knowing the details will haunt you that I can garauntee, but you will be better able to handle your feelings toward your spouse. You need to know what they were going through during those times to understand why they did what they did.<P>Good luck.

My piece- <BR>My first wife lied to me about her sexual past, and as is usually the case, the truth eventually comes out. Well, the truth came out about 10 years later, and yes, it hurt alot more then than it would have initially. Part of the hurt is the fact that she kept in the lie for so long. My second wife had more of a history, and we disclosed everything to each other. Maybe because I was at a better place with myself, and I loved and accepted wife # 2 absolutely unconditionally, it did not bother me at all. Remember, she (or he) is a product of their past- they are who they are because of their history. Concerns prior to marriage may indicate less than 100% unconditional love, and may require further investigation. I also agree with the MB concept of "Radical Honesty" (link follows) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html</A> <BR>If there is not total honesty, trouble will eventually brew!<BR>Hope this helps.<BR>