Glad to hear of others in this situation as I have felt very much alone. I have been married for 20 years and have seven wonderful children. My husband and I both had two relationships before we were married, only mine were longer. I have never done anything in our marriage to make him worry about past lovers. I have had no contact with them, I don't flirt. I have truly changed my life and have devoted my all to husband and family. We both knew of each other's pasts before we got married (only he claims he wished he would have drilled me more on details). He says he wishes he would have done more with one of his lovers and has brought that idea up from time to time. Throughout our marriage he has done small unfaithful things as well as keep in touch with his first lover (you know, they're just good friends...) Well, after 20 years, he finally made contact with her through a series of mush on a private e-mail account and ended up having a one night, do-all-you-can-do time with her on a "business trip". He tells me about it after 7 months. He isn't very remorseful, but instead tells me that it still doesn't compare with the relationships I had. I've tried to get him to read the Surviving an Affair book as I agree with the concepts taught, but he seems to be only concerned with how I hurt him. He doesn't care that he's been abusive with angry outbursts for the last 20 years and treated me like crap. He says he wanted me to be more compassionate when we were first married, but I honestly didn't know what he was looking for emotionally. He brought up my past every few days the first 10 years, then monthly the next five, then every few months the remaining five. I sincerely apologized and have tried loving him, but the bottom line is you can't change the past. When I told him there was nothing I could do to change the past, it just sent him through the ceiling. So after 20 years of a poopy marriage (and he feels it hasn't been that bad, because mediocre is okay with him), being publically humiliated, verbally abused, close to physical abuse, then this affair, I am beginning to ask myself am I just a glutton for punishment? I was 14 and 17 when I was fornicating, is there no forgiveness ever? I am willing to forgive his affair if we can just move on from this point. What can I do to help him? My life seems to be in shambles and I am miserable, friends are wondering what's up because I'm not the happy, bubbly I used to be. Thanks for listening, I've needed someone to talk to.

He sounds like a very abusive man. I don’t think this is an issue of your sexual history. He has one too. He just needs something to beat you up with, so he grabbed this. <P>There is a poster here named Leighann who has an abusive husband she has written about. You might want to search on her user name in the emotional needs and general questions II boards. Obviously there is no easy answer here, especially since some of your children must be quite young. You don’t owe your life to an abuser. He has his problems. They have nothing to do with you. He needs help. You have given 20 years to being his scapegoat, to absorbing his need to abuse. No wonder he thinks the marriage is OK. He gets to abuse and cheat with no payback.<P>I’d like to think that somehow there is a way to get through to him that he needs to change. I can only suggest that you look at the emotional needs tools here on this site and consider trying to draw him in to it. He ought to make an agreement with you about what your respective roles are and how he is going to fill his. If he can’t do that, then he may be a fine father, but he is not a husband as I see it. <P>I imagine he may habitually get angry when you suggest that he has faults to address. Sometimes the only thing you can do to wake someone up is leave. You can let him know that you would come back if he could commit to meeting your needs. Obviously, this is an easy thing for me to suggest and a hard thing for you to do. You might have to just wait it out for your kids to grow-up, and then start a new life. If he is intimidating you physically, then I am especially nervous for you. I have heard that such things get progressively worse unless they are nipped in the bud. <P>Please consider posting about your situation on the emotional needs board, since I think your problem is about abuse and not about pre-marital sex. You will get many more responses there from some very fine people.<P>Roscoe<BR>

Although I DID have other partners before my H, I can really understand - all too well - where you guys are coming from. I have been posting and searching here for a while for a number of different reasons, but this topic really hits close to home for me now. I got married in May 1996 and found out in JUNE, that my H had fathered a child with another woman while he was in college. Why it took her 3 years to confront him with this, I'll never know. Just when I was finally able to deal with THAT, my H gets a registered letter yesterday from the state where the first child was born. Thinking that the letter concerned this child, I opened it - ONLY TO FIND THAT ANOTHER WOMAN BELIEVES THAT HER 9 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WAS FATHERED BY MY H, as well!!!!! This situation has made everything that my mom tried to tell me about premarital sex come to life. I can hardly look at my H without thinking about these other women. Not only did they share my H sexually , but they conceived children with him. These women and the children are now a permanent fixture in our lives FOREVER. I feel like there has been nothing sacred and reserved for us. I know this: I will talk to my children until I am blue in the face. Abstinence!!!!!!!!!!!! Looking back, the sex that we had was NOT worth all of this pain. I wish all of you the best and hope that things will get better for you very soon!<P>PEACE to all!

You don’t deserve this! To find out about it after you married? How terribly difficult! I wish you the courage to make something good of a bad situation. Plenty of courageous people marry into complex situations and become wonderful stepparents. But you had the right to chose taken from you. Still, you have a lot of company.<P>I think there is little social support for young people trying to be responsible today. Instead, such kids are maligned by their peers as repressed, obedient, etc.<BR>If you want to be responsible, best do it quietly. If you speak up for personal responsibility, you’ll be accused of self-righteousness, unrealistic expectations, passing judgements etc.<P>Unwanted pregnancy, most often resulting in abortions, is an epidemic as a result. IMO<P>I pity the children, and I know a few very well, who grow up never knowing their fathers. They must have some feeling of unworthiness. Their fathers are alive, but uninterested. Easy sex, apparently, was the highest value in their lives. What a lesson to grow up with. I think it would be particularly painful to a child if her father ‘moves on’ and is a good father to his later children, but not to her. <P>I hope you will help your husband to make all his children feel loved.<P>Roscoe<BR>

sickofthis, that is my nightmare. My absolute worst nightmare. <P>Of course, I've had my own over the past few days anyway. I thought my husband finally told me the truth about his past after I asked him. I made sure he knew that I needed him to tell me everything now, because it's too hard to find stuff out later. He said he had been truthful and told me everything, several times. <P>Then he decided he really had to come clean, and told me some more. And it has to do with getting arrested. And lying to me several times. Including about him being arrested. They were things that I would have forgiven him for, but now he has kept them from me until after we were married. I still forgive him. He also told me before, twice, that he never cheated on a girlfriend. This was a lie, too. I asked him when we first started dating, then right before we were married, and he told me he never cheated on a girlfriend. He admitted he did once, at the end of a relationship. He didn't have sex with the other girl at the time, but he still started seeing someone else. I would never have gotten involved with him if I'd known this. Once a guy cheats, he will do it again. I told him if I'd known I wouldn't have married him, too. He also told me he thinks his father has cheated on his mother, and he lied about that before, too. Who did I marry? I feel totally blindsided.<P>He also made me believe that he didn't have much sexual experimentation until he was 18. This was a lie, too, he doesn't even remember his first blow job. He has no idea how many women he's had oral sex with. It would not have felt this bad if he'd told me this from the beginning, instead of lying to me. <P>I can't think of my wedding day or anything associated with it without thinking about how stupid I was and how I trusted him so completely, and he was lying to me. Yes, he lied to because he "loved me so much he couldn't stand to lose me over it". But love does not "seek it's own". I just have to try to believe that he really did love me but he just messed up. It hurts so much, more than anything ever did. Not his past, but that he lied to me. I read about other people finding stuff out later, but I never thought that would happen to me, I never thought he would hurt me like that. <P>He really thought I would leave him over it, but of course I won't. I have never seen anyone look so scared in all my life. But love forgives, and I love him with the kind of love that can only come about because of God. My marriage would be over right now if not for Him. My husband says he doesn't want to be like that any more, and we now talk about everything openly. But now I feel like I will get another awful surprise, after getting two in two days. He took a few days off work so we could just be together. He knows if he leaves me alone, I start to think about it, and unless I can talk to him and ask him questions, it gets worse and worse.<P>But God has brought good out of the worst situations. We were closer than 99% of married couples before, but now we are much closer than we were before he told me everything. We came through the worst of circumstances, and it brought out the best sides in each of us. I know that he truly loves me because he would not leave me until I was ok again. He claims full responsibility for all my pain, even though I was stupid and should have been more careful. We have now started a bible study program every day together, and have agreed that for both of us, healing our souls has to come first in our relationship. Him for guilt over his past, me for feeling jealous about his past and betrayed by his lying to me. <P>Find out about your fiance's past. Go to marriage counseling or whatever it takes so that you don't get the awful surprise that I did. Nothing could hurt worse than this. I will get over his past, but it will take a long time to build trust again. I truly believe that this situation can only be really resolved by open dialogue with your spouse. <P>Another bad thing is that I'm afraid he will find these posts and know it's him. I am considering deleting what I've written, but I want it to stay here to help others in my situation. I would still be on square one without the help of a few people here. <P>I have asked him several times if he has a kid out there, but he says no. I hope that's true.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

PG,<P>Girl......You said just about everything that I am feeling. This is only one chapter in the saga. <P>The very best thing about all of this is my children. They are such precious gifts. I cannot imagine life without them.<P>I am still very angry, but yet I know as a Christian, these feelings that I have....I need to pray, forgive AND stay.<P>Again, thanks for sharing. It's always good to know that someone understands.<P>I wont't post on this again...H logged on using my (stored) password and has been reading my posts.......<p>[This message has been edited by sickofthis (edited August 10, 2001).]

A big problem is still that I don't really know what he's thinking about stuff and how he feels about stuff. For instance, when he told me that he thinks of women he's had sex with about 4-5 times each times we have sex, I immediately thought that must be because I am not good enough for him in bed, I can't even hold his attention. I've never once thought about someone else. I wasn't mad at him, because he's not doing it on purpose. I was very hurt, though. We eventually figured out that as long as he's looking at me, he doesn't think about anyone else even for a millisecond. This is understandable since men are visually stimulated; his brain is just filling in some random picture when I'm not in the field of view to supply it. It's just faces and stuff, too, not body parts and "recreations of times he was with them", like I imagined. A brain reflex does not hurt me, even though I don't like it. I can understand that and not blame myself, though. <P>He feels very strongly that if I had any sort of a past, it would compound the problem because he would be worried about my past, and both of us would be embarrassed and reluctant to talk about it and we never would have gotten this stuff cleared up. <P>Marital Honesty: No, you don't have to share everything. You don't have to give every detail. I don't want every detail, I DO want to understand his feelings and thoughts about those women, though. That is because my personality type has a need to understand people and their thoughts, especially ones I'm close to. <P>What do you absolutely, positively, no-doubt have to tell your fiance before you get married? Anything that you keep from them because of fear. If you are afraid that they will not love you if they know "the real you", then your love will be stunted at that level. You are not being fair to them if you keep something from them that keeps them from not being able to make an informed decision, even if it means they leave you. You need to tell them and let your love be tested, and if it is really love on both sides, the person won't care and will forgive everything. Even if my husband had admitted the lies right before we got married, I would have still married him. I've totally forgiven him now anyway, but he DID keep those things from me out of fear. And had he told them to me at the beginning of our relationship, yeah, I might have walked. I didn't love him them like I love him now. <P>When he told me his "secrets", he was terrified I would leave him. Now he knows that I really DO love "the real him". He doesn't have it nagging him in the back of his mind. I sure didn't ask for him to tell me anything like this. He felt compelled to tell me. Because he told me, he has finally been able to forgive himself, partly because I forgave him.<P>I am not nearly as hurt now as I was even yesterday. It still hurts me, but now I've realized that whenever it bothers me, I need to reach for my husband right away. He makes it totally better when we talk about it. He *could* tell me to get over it. But he knows that it's his poor choices that are affecting me now, and he feels it's his duty to protect me from all hurt. Yeah, he's a great husband. I get more joy from him than I ever thought would be possible. There is just hurt to work through at the beginning, I guess.<P>I DO think it's ok not to tell someone something if you're sparing their feelings. You can't lie about it, but if I don't think his cooking is great, I'm not going to tell him "you can't cook", I'm going to ask him if we can look at cookbooks, or tell him how much I'd love to help him cook. He can cook, though, that's just theoretical.<P>No, I don't share my postings with my SO. He hears everything I say here, though. The reason I don't tell him about these is because he could read them, then be hurt by something I said strongly but didn't mean the way it's worded, or just didn't come across the same way in print as it did when I thought it. It is much better if we communicate face to face, where we can immediately question each other if we think somebody got the wrong idea. He is aware that I post to discussion groups, and he does too. <P>edit: One thing I should add is that not everybody wants to know all thoughts and stuff. You only share what they ask about then, BUT also things in your past you are afraid they would not love you because of.<p>[This message has been edited by prettygarnet (edited August 10, 2001).]

And...he also told me that he was tested for all STD's and came out clean. Well, that was four women ago, not including me. Big help that is, huh? I feel like complete crap because somebody who says he loves me would put me at risk for AIDS or whatever else horrible disease he could have. He didn't even bother to get tested again before marrying me or having sex with me. And he was not a condom user except with one girl. And these were slutty women. Luckily, I was tested for pretty much everything a few months after we started having sex because I went to a new doctor. I didn't have anything then, but what if there was an incubation period or something? What if I just wasn't infected yet? <P>And all he did when he told me about was whisper "Do you want me to get tested?" <P>I will be telling my sons and daughters to marry a virgin. If it wasn't for all the good parts I would not be able to live through this.

Well I must say this is a tough subject. I read all the way back to the very beginning. We could say that I am one of those women who is married with a past unlike my husbands and my husband is working to get over it. I thought maybe posting my point of view would help the ;who's wives past relationships bother. <BR>My husband knew of my sexual past before we got married, it was "when" we got married the problems arouse. The issue was I had to many, he wondered if he was good enough for me, and if he could give me what others had in bed. He was constantly asking "have you tried this" or what not. <BR>He had had a past as well, not as fulfilling as mine however. <BR>Here is my point of view on the whole out take of it:<BR>Somewhere in the back of everyone's head is the "What if" insecurity. I think everyone has to some degree. "What if my spouse does have an STD". "What if my spouse did have an affair"; etc. <BR>Everyone's past has made them who they are today. The boyfriend that every girl has had that was cruel to them, made the woman stronger. Every man who has had a sexual affair with so many women, at least he knows what he wants in a wife. So at times, maybe we should also be thankful for our past. Because if didn't have them, what would we be? <BR>Talking about your past is probably the best thing there is to do. Talk about it and get over it. Everyone has got to have had this question;"Am I good enough for their spouse?". Honestly, I don't think we would have married them if we didn't feel that way. Sometimes, we do have a tendency to hide our past and secrets of it. Some things are better left unsaid. Then you have the honesty issue, so everything needs to be said. So what is the middle ground that everyone can come to? In todays society you have worry about being judged and lack of respect you are dealt with and that does take a toll on whether or not being honest is the right thing. But with love, comes the honesty and respect so we shouldn't be afraid to tell each other what we feel and all of our deepest secrets. We can take that chance of being rejected because of what we did and how we handled it,thats nature. For every person that has a problem with our spouse's past, believe me, the one with the past has the same issue's. And sometimes, that person just as soon forget about it than talk about it. But for the sake of love and happiness, I talked. He would ask questions and I told him everything, without holding back. It hurt him alot, but now that he knows everything, its better for us. Better for me to move on and not think of it, and he doesn't have the insecurities of wondering if he is good enough for me. For us the secret was time and communication. I hope this helped those that don't understand why their spouse didn't tell them sooner or lied about it. They were scared, more than you could ever imagine, and what their true love, their soul mate..would think of them.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

My husband and I have also had problems with issues of past sexual relationships. It seems that some of you believe it would be easier to deal with your spouse's past if you were not a virgin. My husband and I both were with 3 other people prior to marriage. We disclosed these things to each other before we got married. My husband, however, has had many of the difficulties you describe (of picturing things in his mind, etc.). I don't know how much this will help, but here is a woman's perspective. I am ashamed of the mistakes I made in the past. I wish they had not happened, but of course there is nothing I can do to change it now. It just kills me inside to know that my past hurts my husband, and there is nothing I can do to change it. It makes you feel so helpless. If your wife become upset and defensive when you talk to her about these things it is probably because she wishes she could change the past, but she is powerless to do anything, and feels there is no way to make you feel better. She feels like a failure as a wife because of the hurt she is causing. I stongly encourage you to ask for God's help here. Ask him to help you realize that your wife chose YOU to be with for the rest of her life. I guarantee you she does not fantasize about the past . As for myself, I never think about it until he begins to ask me about it. I'd rather not, but I have to in order to try to help him. Please try to avoid asking questions that are not designed to help - just to wound you further. If you want to know details, you should be prepared. She is being honest with you when it would be so much easier to keep these things inside so you can't judge her. She has scars from those past mistakes, and she is revealing them to you - telling you this is who I am, these are the mistake I made. Please accept me and forgive me. You have a right to know what is there, but as a loving husband, try your best to be understanding, and know it kills her to hurt you. Don't tear open her scars and cause a bigger wound. Again, I cannot emphasize enough... pray about it. For hurts that are so large and destructive, the two of you are not equiped to "fix it" on your own. God can help you to begin to heal, and to forgive each other. God Bless You, and I wish you the very best!

I can understand the pain and anger of so many posts in here but I cannot relate to alot of it. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, whether they be good or horrifically terrible. But there is a fine line between honesty and faithfulness. When you are married, isn't faith, honesty, trust and respect some of the key things to have to keep a strong relationship? I do not understand how someone can have the nerve to betray those feelings and expect to be forgiven. They are hurting themselves as well as loved ones. Possibly somewhere in the back of their derranged heads they think they are invincible? If that were the case; than to me it is lack of sincerety and insecurities that need to be dealt with. All in all, those that have affairs or "flings" while married is completely wrong! With that said, anyone that cheats while in a relatinship is wrong as well! I wonder what it is they are thinking at that very moment? Do they not think of our children? Of us? Of the future outcome of their actions? The looks of disgust and betrayal from our friends? Are they that disrespectful? Please, if someone knows what they are thinking, I would like to hear it out of curiosity. To see if the person that has the afair is honest to others, seriously.

You are right Roscoe, I should be called "pretty mad garnet" right now. He's already made a quick appointment to get tested. I can't believe anyone could be so careless and stupid with their own life, let alone their wife's. I would NEVER have put him at risk for anything. I'll just be happy if neither one of us has any diseases, at this point. All the arrests, flashbacks, comparisons, etc., really fade in comparison to possibly killing both of us and/or leaving us childless. <P>I WISH the past was the past, but it's not. My husband feels like crap because he knows this hurts me. I don't want to make him feel bad, but he says it hurts him worse if I hide it from him. <P>Sexual things are like that. Nobody ever says "Every time I walk into Target I have flashbacks of the time I shoplifted when I was 16". But here my husband is having flashbacks while we have sex. Not anymore, he says. Nothing else affects you like that, that I know of. I've never seen a porn movie, and never fantasized about sex. At least not in any sort of realistic way. You can't fantasize what you don't know. We taped ourselves, and guess what I have in my head when we have sex now? It's ok, because it's my husband. But I am VERY glad that I did not watch porn while growing up.<P>I keep telling myself that he's worth all the trouble. If he did give me some horrible disease, I don't think I'll be able to say that. I gave him everything, my youth, my innocent, my virginity, mind, and heart. Does he have to take my life, too? Why couldn't HE have been more careful? I didn't ask really specific questions before we had sex, but I did ask if he had been tested and if he had anything. He said he'd been tested and he was clean. Stupid me trusted that. How naive I was. That's why I still cry when I look at my wedding dress, because I remember how happy I was in my stupidity. And we read "Before you get married" books, and answered the questions, had pre-marital counseling, etc. <P>One of the worst things is that my dad said that he thought we should wait to get married. I hate it when my dad is right, that guy is just too smart. I should have listened to him. He knew better, just like always. <P>None of us deserves to be forgiven. I do forgive my husband, though. He thought that I wouldn't, he thought I would leave him. He does say if he could go back, he would live his life differently, now that he knows what he does. I was brought up in a family where repurcussions of premarital sex were discussed. His family didn't discuss it, but he was exposed to porn by his sister's boyfriend, saw his sister having sex, and was sexually experimented with by his sister. I haven't talked to his sister, but I'm pretty sure something happened to her first. Talk about starting off on the wrong path. I can't blame him, I just can't. If I'd been brought up in a Godless home, exposed to that kind of stuff, I'd be just like him. I DID see a Joy of Sex book when I was about 13, but I wasn't scarred at all by it. Rather, I thought, "Oh, THAT'S what married people do!" I was curious, but that's it. No way was I going to find out before I was supposed to. <P>I do think the best advice is to talk it over. I would never ask him another question again, but I'd still end up festering 40 years from now if I did that.<P>4given - I asked my husband if he wished I'd had sex with other people, and he said no. He said he's glad I don't know how bad it makes you feel. I am sure God's advice is the best on this one. There's no way we could have gotten through this without Him, either.

Hi again, it looks like no one has posted to this topic for awhile, but if anyone is still reading... I have talked with my husband about this quite a bit, and we're doing really well with it. Again, we both had the same number of parters before marriage, but he still has had real problems with the thought of me with someone else. At times, it has gotten almost unbearable. After some serious discussions, fights, hurt feelings, etc... things have gotten much better. My husband finally revealed to me that because of insecurities, low self-esteem, guilt over his own past he often felt that maybe he wasn't good enough for me. He thought there might be someone else out there who would be a better husband. Then, because he was thinking those things, he began to wonder if I might think those things also. He said when he really dug down and decided to be honest with himself, he realized he was throwing my past in my face all the time to make himself feel more worthy of my love. He also wanted me to feel he was worthy. I know this won't be the case for everyone having these problems, but it may be for some... when my H revealed that to me it made a world of difference. It made me feel better about the whole situation because I no longer felt that he was judging me - that he didn't think I was a bad person. He was actually thinking that he wasn't good enough. I did notice that many times the whole issue came up if I was trying to talk to him, for instance, about something he had done that hurt my feelings... he would start to feel like he was failing me, or I was doubting him, & start bringing my past up. Is this ever the situation with any of you? If this is the problem, then the root of the issue might be something else. How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel like you are "lucky" to have your spouse, but not so much like they are "lucky" to have you too? Do you ever feel they might be better off with someone else? If you have those feelings, it does a world of good to convey them to your SO (at least it has for us). I need to go out of my way to make sure my H knows how I feel about him (and not assume he knows). I honestly feel he is my soulmate and my best friend. He is loving, sensitive, and caring... I wouldn't trade him for the world. He loves it when I let him know he's my hero. He truly is. Well, I've rambled, but I hope this may help some of you. Try to dig deep and be honest with yourself. It might be scary, but you'll never resolve any problems if you can't get to the truth behind them. God Bless.

Yep, we're still reading. <P>My husband and I tell each other pretty much every day that we feel lucky to have each other. Even with all the problems, I tell him he's worth it. Probably not if he gave me something terrible. It was really humiliating to go in with him to get tested, too, because I am his wife. Not his girlfriend, where maybe we didn't do anything yet, but I'm his *wife*. The doctor wouldn't even test him for some stuff, because he said he was unlikely he'd have it and not know it. Unlikely, yes, but that means *I* have to go get tested anyway. Why should I have to do it? <P>The things my husband tells me are a mixed bag. He told me how often he had sex with the other women, and with some of them it was almost as often as we have sex. Thing is, I have to practically beg him for sex, and he acts like I just want it so much. I don't like begging him for things he begged other girls for. (He already told me other girls didn't initiate). He says it's different with me, and that he just really likes it when I ask him. Of course, he also told me that he's never come in anybody but me. Yeah, that would make it "different". How in the world do you have sex and not come at all, and the 20% of the time you do come, it's not even in her, or maybe with a condom on? Why would anyone have such half-a*sed sex? Why bother? That's like eating ice-milk. I had just assumed he knew what he was doing in bed, and it was me that was doing something wrong. Um, no. I don't see how anyone could have that much sex and not learn anything, either. It's a good thing I AM somebody who doesn't just give up. <P>There are just so many issues with this, and him lying to me about it, and putting my life in danger, and things I can't even think of. I don't think there's any way to bring it down to one point. I wish there was, maybe it would make it easier.<P>PG

I am a woman who has had what people posting here would consider a lot (13) sexual partners before getting married. Just to supply another perspective to this forum, I'm having a difficult time relating to the problems you're having dealing with your partners pasts. <BR>I didn't get married until I was 29 my husband was 35. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to boyfriend who I dated from when I was a sophomore in highschool until I was a sophomore in college. Between that time and 29 is quite awhile. In college I did "hook up" with people at bars. Never anyone I didn't know - mostly friends. Sex was no big deal. I had a few one night stands, a few serial hook ups etc. It's not something that I exactly brag about to people but I'm not ashamed of it either. That was the college lifestyle. I've actually had fewer partners than many of my friends.<BR>I'm guessing my husband has had fewer partners than I have. We've never really discussed it. He is aware that I slept around a little bit for a few years and I know in a general sort of way the extent of his sexual past. It's just so not an issue. It may be because we're coming from the same sort of basic background - same college, many of the same friends, same bars, same expectations. <BR>The thing we do know for sure is that sex with each other is the best we've ever had. The guys I slept with before were just diversions - I was never truly, deeply in love with any of them and let me tell you, that makes all the difference in the world.<BR>The thing you should keep in mind is that sex and making love are two entirely different acts. I'm willing to bet that your partners probably feel the same way. And, as my husband said to me with astonishment on our honeymoon-"No one ever told me sex would be BETTER after getting married!!"<BR>

Here is an interesting article that I've pasted here for general thought concerning a woman's sexual past:<P>"I receive a lot of e-mail from women asking the same question Stacy poses. So I finally decided to give my take on the subject. But before I begin, allow me to stress that I'm not passing judgment on women, nor am I saying that women shouldn't enjoy themselves sexually. Hey, I'm enjoying the abundant supply of women too. The following explains how most men feel, and why some of us can't handle the truth. <BR>An object that has value is worshipped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life. <BR>Most women don't realize the importance men place on a woman's promiscuity. Women think that because men don't care about how many women they've slept with, they won't care about how many men their woman has slept with. But the reality is that most men (those looking for a serious relationship and not a one-night stand) do place great value on a woman's sexual restraint. <BR>There was a time when many women cherished their bodies much like a sacred temple. Where only a noble man, one who respected and loved her, had access to her body. <BR>But over time, it seems that women have failed to realize the important role their sexuality plays in finding a long-term mate. Thanks to the women's movement, women are so busy trying to compete with men -- including in the sex department -- that they fail to realize the consequences of their actions. <BR>Today, it seems that women are the ones who are collecting notches on their Prada belts by giving their bodies away too easily. But if women themselves don't value their bodies like they used to, why should men? <BR>Some women will argue that if men have the right to sleep around, so should women. But I ask only one question: If women adamantly believe this, then why is it that when faced with the question, "How many men have you slept with?", most women who have slept around with truckloads of men always lie? <BR>Some women will rationalize that they must do so because men can't handle the truth. But if this is the case, why don't women let men decide for themselves if they can or can't handle it? Why do women need to lie to protect men's egos? I think women lie to protect themselves -- rather than men -- because if it's not shame or regret that's making you hold your tongue, then the potentially dire consequences of the truth surely are.<P><BR>Women have sexual propositions directly or indirectly thrown at them every single day. Because of this abundant supply of penis, women have the final decision to act on or ignore such propositions, and the men looking for long-term mates fear this. <BR>Men, on the other hand, don't necessarily have women on bended knee with diamond rings and gold bracelets, so they pretty much take it when they can. Maybe this is one of the reasons why men, unlike women, find it so hard to resist the advancements of the opposite sex. <BR>You see, men know how hard it is to control themselves. Think about it for a moment: how many times have you heard men say, "Gee, if I was a woman, I'd be getting laid every day?" <BR>Men recognize the power of a woman's sexuality. In turn, men appreciate and place great value on women who can control themselves and demonstrate a certain degree of sexual discipline because most men certainly can't. <BR>If a woman can show men that she is honest, loyal, trustworthy, and sexually responsible, then she will have the most powerful weapon to attract men. If, on the other hand, a woman abuses her sexual power with many men, it will backfire on her. Unfortunately, women only realize this after they've had their "women's movement fun," when it's too late and the only choice they have is to lie. <P>Over the past years, most women have lost a sense of value for their sexuality. They've realized that sex is fun and pleasurable, but in the process, they've forgotten that it's the one gift that they can offer their lover, and that so many men value. <BR>Think about it for a moment: if men value a woman's purity so much, how do you think they feel when they receive the same gift offered to so many other men? Here's a better example: if I were to offer Stacy the same engagement ring that I once offered my ex-fiancée, would she appreciate it? I'm sure she wouldn't, and it's only a ring. Then how do you think men feel when a woman offers herself once she's already offered it to so many other men? <BR>Women have lost sight of their own true value for several reasons: <BR>Mistaken sex for love<BR>As more and more women put their careers ahead of their social lives, they're getting married at a later age. But because of an emotional void, some find the wait a little too long and replace love with sex. <BR>Competition <BR>Some women are very much aware that there are a lot of women giving themselves away too easily and fear that if they're not giving it to their man, another woman will. <BR>I'm not saying that a woman should wait for marriage before having sex. All I'm suggesting is that she wait a little bit before giving her sacred body away. I know the pleasure of sex is worthy, but a woman is only shooting herself in the foot by giving it away at the drop of a dime. <BR>A woman should give the man the test of time and make him wait at least three months before having full intercourse with him. If he can't wait that long, well her life just became a little less complicated because she knows that she's dealing with a man who is just using her for her body. In the end, she'll have peace of mind that she didn't waste her precious gift on a man who simply wanted to use her. <BR>Women's movement & media<BR>Both the women's movement and the media have encouraged women to compete with men in all aspects of life, including sex. Unfortunately, they forgot to mention the consequences, and now you have very happy men who don't need to commit, and very sad women wondering why men don't want to.<BR>Most men will agree that they're always on the lookout for a serious soul mate. But this doesn't mean that they can't have fun in the process. So if there are women giving themselves away without commitment, men will definitely pounce on the opportunity. <BR>Inadvertently, when men meet women, they usually categorize them into two categories: the potentially serious relationship kind, or the "have fun in the process" girl. The outcome of the man's decision will ultimately be based on how a woman behaves around him. <BR>If she sleeps with him on the first few nights, he'll definitely throw her in the fun category. But if she can show him that her body is worth a lot more and that he's going to have to commit to a serious relationship before he can taste her, he'll definitely consider her as serious potential. <BR>Why do we men behave in such a way? Because we are very much aware of how hard it is to control ourselves when seduced by women. Therefore, we fear women who are equally sexually active -- especially when they have dozens of men courting them -- because they also lack that control. <P>The women's sexual movement had women across the United States screaming, "We want equal treatment! We want to be able to do everything men do! We want to have sex!" Well, women did just that and unfortunately, they abused their sexual magic to the point where it lost its value over time. <BR>There used to be a time when women could signal to a man, "If you stay with me, I'll let you have my body." But now men are saying, "It's okay, you can keep it because with all this supply, it's just not worth as much as it once was." <BR>That's why today, we find a lot of women complaining that men no longer want to commit. This is false; men still want to commit, but women no longer have that special gift to bait men into a relationship. <BR>After all, if the body becomes familiar and the personality becomes aggravating, what else is there left to commit to? Well, I'd like to think that it is the woman's special gift that keeps a man hooked. <P>Women need to realize that their bodies are temples -- or at least men like to think so -- and that they shouldn't be shared with any Tom, [censored] or Harry. Once a woman realizes this, three things will happen: <BR>1. She'll appreciate herself a lot more, and in turn the man will gain more respect for her and realize that he has a valuable treasure. <BR>2. The man who had to work hard and commit in order to bed a woman will appreciate her more. After all, time was invested in her. <BR>3. The sex will be brought to a whole new passionate level when she finally makes love to the man who fought for her -- by being patient. <BR>Today too many people -- including myself -- place too much importance on sex. This explains why so many marriagesdon't work. People base their whole relationship on sex and don't realize that when the passion disappears, and the honeymoon phase dies down, there is nothing left but each other's flaws."<P>

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>