Hello,

Thank you all for allowing me to post my problems here. I really need an objective outlet.

Here is the story:

I met my girlfriend six months ago at a public function. The attraction was instant and mutual. We talked every night for hours, and were together every available moment. One early weekend was so special, love was mentioned and agreed upon. We also agreed to date only each other, that we both wanted marriage and love, so we would date with that goal in mind. I then visted her parents for a week. During this time, we were already talking marriage, and it was perfect.

Right after that is when "the problem" happened, and that is the point of this post. Do I have a problem, or am I wrong? What happened is this:

While I was at her house, four men called within three days, all of whom she had dated. I answered the phone with one of them, and he was combative and jealous towards me. Turns out he has been a friend of hers since high school, all through her previous 18 year marriage. The others were men she dated since her divorce. I was and still am hurt because she acted surprised that I was concerned and hurt. She says she did nothing wrong, and apologized for the jealous guys behavior.

To her credit she seems to have stopped communicating with them, but after the promises between us, and meeting her parents, discovering that she still was very chummy with men who she had dated seemed like betrayal.

The next thing is that she has many men friends, and three of them are "business" friends, but she knows their home numbers, and they do her some favors. Futhermore, we were at a gathering recently and a perfect stranger asked me if I knew one of the men she was friends with, did I think he was decent, and did I know his wife. She was implying that my girlfriend was having an affair with this married man.

Today a business associate of hers, who is married, told me that he was sorry my fiance was getting married because he will miss flirting with her.

In fairness, we have talked about all of these issues, and she seems to agree with me. The other boyfrineds are seemingly going away, and she has reduced the very intimate level of communication with her "associates". I love her when we are together, but still cannot rid myself of the shock I had when I learned that during the first three months of an intense love affair, where we promised each other that we would be monogamous, she was still talking with other boyfriends.

In addition, some of her friends, and even a family member has warned me that she is "spoiled", "selfish", and that they "wish me luck with her".

I am in love with her, and when we are together it is wonderful, but I have this nagging feeling and have had some blatant warnings that she is at best selfish, and at worst not trustworthy.

I want to stay with her because I am afraid that I may blow the best thing that has ever happened to me, but then again I am old enough to know that when you have cause for concern, there is usually reason.

My judgment is poor because I fell hard for her, and recognize that I may be wrong and acting from emotions.

Any reponses would be most welcome.

Thanks,

Hi Frenchy,
I think you realize that this decision needs to be based on more than emotions. I think you also realize that 6 months is just not long enough to know someone for who they really are. Even if she isn't putting on a facade, she very well may be fooling herself...trying to be someone she is not when she is around you.

Is there any reason to rush marriage? Is there anything wrong with dating longer before making the final committment? I realize that you two are not getting any younger, but given the low success rate for marriage (even worse for second time marriage), I think you should slow down, enjoy your time together, get through the infatuation phase (which is still clearly in full swing), work through these very obvious problem areas...get to know each other better.

Btw, how much to you know about her previous marriage? The failure of a marriage is rarely about only one person's mistakes and inflexibilities. What makes you think she will do better the second time around? My guess is that these extramarital relationships played an important role in her 1st marriage's demise, yet she still does not really understand the risk?

MB is a great resource for you. Read all you can. If you do not get many responses in this forum, move over to the Emotional Needs forum where there is significantly more traffic.

Take care,
Smile

Smile,

Thank you for your response. Of course you are right, and I know that I waiting is best, which is what I am doing. During one of our heart to hearts, I told her that time will tell and that I must see how much all these men are in her life.

Thank you for your advice and I will move over to the emotions section.

Thanks again.

frenchy: I think you should get to know your gf longer. It takes 2 yrs. for the 'inlove' stuff to clear where you can assess things without your heart getting in the way of your head. I would also tell you that you have these 'gut' feelings that something is not right. I would continue to talk with your gf about all these things. Be aware of her body language and what she says. Many times early in the relationship, body language is apparent but we are blind to it. I hope things work out for you. I would take things slower....Peace

first, I think that her past before she knew you is 'nunya'...meaning the past is past and you have no right to be jealous of it. Is she YOUR first gf? I think it speaks well of her that she and her former bfs are still on good terms. Most relationships end very ugly, obviously she is able to end them in a respectful manner.
As long as she doesn't hide these friendships from you--which she obviously hasn't--I wouldn't worry too much.
Second:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In addition, some of her friends, and even a family member has warned me that she is "spoiled", "selfish", and that they "wish me luck with her". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You must make your own judgments about her...everyone is spoiled and selfish to an extent...even almost perfect me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And remember, family goes back a long way and they never let you forget. That family member may have formed their opinion of this young lady years ago and never bothered to let her change in their mind even as she grew and matured in the real world. The bottom line is that you love her and only you will have to live with her=no one else- for better or for worse.

Thank you all for your help