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#330142 09/09/04 02:55 PM
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I've been married for almost 5 months. My husband and I lived together for a year before we got married.

My husband has two children from previous marriages. In the past year and a half we've been together, my husband has single handedly alienated everyone. No one calls or comes over to visit him. He's even tried to get me to stay away from my family. Then he wonders why no one wants to be around him. When his kids visit, he's stressed and yells a lot, is very negative and complains constantly. No one wants to be around that. They just stay away, but they won't tell him why because they know how he'll react. To make it worse, he says we're both negative and "WE" need to work on it. I guess it makes him feel better if I share the blame with him. So, I've tried to help him, but every suggestion I make he has to argue with. I don't know what this man wants from me. I'm so frustrated that I don't even know if I'm making sense.

Needless to say, our sex life leaves much to be desired because he's either tired, or not clean, or his back hurts, or his neck hurts or some other excuse. He never initiates anything. I have to initiate it and then risk getting turned down.

He's very distant to me, won't touch me and I'm at at my wits end. I don't know what to do or say to him. I don't dare express an opinion, ask a question or suggest counseling because he'll get very irate, defensive, etc. I feel so bad because we just got married a few months ago and this is happening. [Confused]

There's so much more I would like to put in here, but it would take way too long.

#330143 09/09/04 07:44 PM
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Okay..."i just got married a few months ago and this is happening" Nikk, girl I've been where you are. Funny how all the red flags are in one's face and fail to be seen. You stated that this started a year ago. So ultimately this isnt anything new right? Im sorry...I dont really know what to say to help...except I've been where you are and it sucked. Crazy part is..the tale was told before I ever said "I do". I am sorry that your going through this rough patch. Have you voiced how your feeling to him? Is he verbally abusive? Would he go to counciling?

#330144 09/10/04 07:03 AM
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I can't talk to my husband about anything anymore. There was a time when we talked about everything, but no more. Last night I tried to talk to him and we got into a huge fight. He started yelling at me at the top of his lungs. Now he's blaming my sister for some of our problems and she has nothing to do with them. He was just using her as something to blame.

We slept in separate bedrooms last night and my heart pounded all night long. I'm beyond unhappy and miserable and I resent my husband for expecting me to be and act just like him.

#330145 09/10/04 07:18 AM
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Something is very, very wrong here. How long did you date him? When did he get a divorce? How did his last marriage end? Are you close in age or is he much older?

The problem with love is that once the fantasy stage (that in love time) is over-the passion part-then you take a good look at each other and wonder if there is enough there. Something is wrong-newlyweds don't act like that. (Wrong with him I mean). Do you suspect someone else? He is sending up red flags for sure. I am sorry. Do you have kids together? If not, don't-wait. He sounds like he is starting to get abusive. I am sorry. Maybe with a little more background we can help. Make sure you read the intro.

#330146 09/10/04 07:20 AM
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Ohhh..he's been married several times? You need to get IC or move on. There is something wrong here. Does he have a history of cheating? The flags are everywhere. I am sorry.

#330147 09/10/04 10:13 AM
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Nikk,
Has something recently happened to your Hubby? Loss of a family member, loss of job. I agree with new jersey on this. Something is amiss. It seems strange that in some way he is sabotaging ya'll connection. Has he ultimately been like this since day go? Has his negativity been present since you guys first got together. Think back to the beginning of your courtship and you might see some signs that were there all along. Your right though...this isnt the way I would perceive newlyweds to interact. Is he abusive to you physically? Is he domineering? How old are you two? What do you know of his previous marriages...did he treat his ex wives poorly? Lots of things to think about. But...he's got to want to change cuz we cant change anybody but ourselves. I hope you guys can work through this. The advice NewJersy gave in regards to Individual counciling...thumbs up!

#330148 09/10/04 10:30 AM
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No, he's not abusive to me physically, but he's quite controlling and I'm pretty easy going and try not to sweat the small stuff. He is 14 years my senior. His last marriage was horrible. They hated each other, but stayed together for their son.

My husband doesn't hesitate to point out my flaws. He just recently told me that he debated if he wanted to be with me because I was so immature. And always makes it a point to tell me how negative I am, how everything bothers me, and how I don't know how to express my opinion the proper way. I try to live by example and the feedback (not verbal but the way others treat me) I get from his side of the family and others is very positive. I get along very well with other people and they seem to like me, especially his entire family. Maybe that's what bothers him, they like me but stay away from him.

He's had some physical problems, ie, back, neck and I'm sure that has something to do with his withdrawal. I believe he's depressed because he now has limits to what he can do. And I happen to be there for him to target.

Just recently, I thought that he might be having an affair, but I'm not certain and don't want to jump to conclusions.

We're together an awful lot so perhaps we should spend some time apart. I've decided to start sleeping in the bedroom down in the basement. I don't know if that would make things worse or better.

#330149 09/10/04 02:20 PM
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Nikk...I wouldnt sleep in the basement girly. Tell ya what, read all you can on this site. But most of all. Continue to "choose your battles wisely". Im not sure how your are interacting when his temper flares. But try as you might to not react to his angry outburst. State quite strongly that you dont wish to continue the conversation until he quits raising his voice and can discuss issues in a calm Mature manner. Then take yourself out of the situation. Go take a hot bath, go to the gym..whatever!
ruby

#330150 09/10/04 02:54 PM
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Thanks to all of you for your responses. In reply to ruby, when my husband starts yelling, I tell him not to yell or talk to me that way and leave. After I did that last night, he walked up to my dog and hit her for who knows what...maybe she sat the wrong way, maybe she licked her paws too long or too much. I was fine until that occurred. Now that REALLY PISSED ME OFF!! This is why I ended up in the basement. I didn't want to be near him. However, I shall continue to sleep upstairs starting from tonight. I told him to never touch my dog agan. If she's doing something wrong (which she wasn't doing anything wrong last night), that I'll discipline her.

#330151 09/10/04 04:31 PM
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Nikki--

Maybe instead saying something like, "Don't you yell at me!"

Say, "I will not stay in a room where I am being yelled at."

The first one sounds like you're trying to dictate his behaviour, and is likely to keep him furious.

The second one is *supposed* to sound more like you're just describing your own personal standard about staying in rooms where you are yelled at. :-D

#330152 09/11/04 05:21 PM
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If any man or woman hurts an innocent dog, cat, or child, that person is a bastard (a bad person).

Once you see those traits in a human being, divorce them. You accidently married a bad person here. A man who hurts animals.

#330153 09/12/04 09:51 AM
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Ditto what Baba said!

#330154 09/15/04 10:22 AM
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quote:
He's had some physical problems, ie, back, neck and I'm sure that has something to do with his withdrawal.
Nikk, Withdrawal from WHAT? Is he an alcoholic or a drug user?

The RED flags I see here are..... you are describing the behavior of someone who is an alcoholic or drug abuser. Right down to the T. "come here, go away, blaming, negativism, depressed, physical problems, intimacy problems, not taking responsibility, verbal and emotional abuse, distancing, alienation..." the list goes on and on. These can also be the signs of a mental illness as well. If he drinks or drugs at ALL and is having these symptoms.....get yourself to an Alanon meeting because YOU need support. Also, go to www.gettingthemsober.com and read some things on that website.

I wish you the best, I also have gone through what you have been going through. If he has a drinking or drug problem, then get the facts of the disease first, AND the support you need, and then deal with it one day at a time.... hold off making any decisions about the marriage until you are comfortable doing so.


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