My wife and I have been married since Jan ' O4.
We have a child who's 3 months old.
So far she's threatend to leave about 3 times. We've usually worked it out, or she left for a few hours. The one thing that bothers me, is that when she leaves, she takes the baby, or fights to take the baby. I get a bit protective, since she's usually in a frantic/angry mood, throwing things and hitting and pushing me. So I try to not let her, since i fear for their safety. (Possible car accident or something). She won't let me, and I end up allowing it, since I don't want to get violent. I tell her to be safe, and not let our situation affect their safety. Am I making the right decision ? It's hard being the male conterpart in a marriage, when conflict arises and avoiding using force.

Here's the thing. I've come to the conclusion (not just recently) that she has some sort of anger problem. There are numerous things she gets mad at me about, some are short lived, with others she dwells on them for more than a day. It causes her to make decisions, that I would view as irrational. There are numerous instances where we'd go to bed angry. I'd be more than willing to discuss and work things out, she just ends up shutting me out, screaming if i try to talk to her. Since I don't dwell on (miniscule) issues too deeply, I can usually fall right asleep, while I can tell she's tossing and turning. Sometimes on mornings after arguments, she still yells at me right when i wake up.. (Fix the $&*%& bed, change the baby's diaper!!!!). I constantly tell her, I'll be more cooperative, if she addresses me in a civil manner. (This usually fuels the fire). Honestly I don't really favor being ordered around like that, which makes me snap back. Usually I'm a calm and mellow person, I tread pretty lightly, I have a high tolerance with my temper. I just seems like at this point in my life, I've yelled and screamed, and gotten angry more than any other time. I don't want this sort of behavior to be around our baby, and I don't want him picking any of it up. The things that we argue about, in my opinion aren't even worth the energy. Most things I forget quickly, and I can't really pinpoint too many major arguments that carried some controversial ground. I just feel like my wife can't go on for more than a day, without being mad at least once. There have been a few streaks, but not many. (usually no more than 3 days).

Hi Stevenz,
Has your wife always been like this with you? Yes, it does sound like she has anger problems that need to be addressed by a professional therapist, but I bet there is a lot that you can do to help the situation, as well.

Can you give some more information like how long you've known each other, how old you both are, maybe some background on your own families. I wonder if this was how her mother and/or father dealt with problems.

You are having a difficult time seeing things through her eyes and she is apparently doing a terrible job explaining herself. My guess is that she is very stressed out and has past her threshold. It is important to find out what her most important emotional needs are. What needs are not being met by you (not what YOU think she needs, but what SHE things she needs)? You need to figure out what her expectations of you are and you need to figure out what your expectations of her are and communicate them effectively to her.
I also wonder if she is facing some depression problems postpartem.

The violence is unacceptable. She has no more right to hit and scream than you do, but unfortunately, I don't think YOU are going to be the one to convince of this. Do you have a good relationship with her family? Maybe they could help. If not, maybe your family could help.
For now, make sure that you do not react to her temper tantrums in a way that encourages more of it.
Unfortunately, I think you are very right that your baby will pick up on the fighting. My sister and her husband fight all the time and at about 1 year old, their daughter started mimicking them and it was horrifying.
It takes two to fight. Remember that. I think you are smart to keep your child's safety as a priority.

I'd focus on counseling. There are different ways to get her to go, but you cannot force her. Have you tried suggesting counseling to her? My guess is she didn't respond well if you did because she sounds very defensive. Avoid sounding like YOU are right and SHE is wrong. Get rid of rights and wrongs. Avoid sounding like SHE is the one with the problem or she'll just get defensive. If she doesn't like the idea of counseling, let her know that you care very much about this marriage and suggest marital counseling. If she doesn't like this idea, tell her that YOU are willing to do what it takes to make things better for the three of you and tell her that you are seeking individual counseling with a marriage therapist so that you can do your part. Let her know that she has an open invitation to join you and always let her know when your appointments are. If you think she'll respond negatively to the suggestion of marriage counseling, just start with the third step and let her know that you are seeking help for yourself and your marriage and that you hope she'll join you when she is ready.
You have very good, legitimate questions and I believe that everyone can benefit from talking things out with a professional, so even if she does not ever go with you, I bet you'll learn and grow. Unfortunately, you can't save this marriage on your own, so as you learn and grow, you may have to make some very tough decisions that will forever affect you and your child.

Take care. You'll get more responses if you post in a more active form like Emotional Needs.
Smile

Thanks for the reply. My wife and I have known each other for almost 2 years now. We got married a month after our 1 year. As far as the anger thing, it's been off and on. At first I thought it was due to her getting out of a very bad 2 year relationship, where she was in unhealthy emotional shape for about 3-4 months after. Also she had her father pass away a few years ago. She also has had problems with her mom in the past 4 or so years, and I'm pretty sure they haven't gotten along very well since, even to this date. Her mom's been through 2 divorces, and is now single with 2 younger kids. I think a lot of her anger has to do with how her mom treat(s)ed her.
I'm 26 and she's 20.
My family life has been pretty stable. I haven't had any major occurences. I come from a large family. My parents have been married for more than a quarter century. Most of my siblings have gone off to college, and have been pretty independant. I've been through a couple serious relationships, but none to where i was considering marriage. I just felt I didn't find the right person. I went through a state of depression for most of 2000, and i've been in somesort of emotional recovery since then. I still feel that i'm not too strong emotionally, and I usually take a passive attitude as opposed to aggressive. Sometimes I feel it's beyond my will power, since I cannot remember being like this my entire life. I remember being a lot more stable and in control before the depression.

I've suggested counseling to my wife a few times, however she always refuses. She says "a counselor will only listen to our problem and won't offer any advice or fix things, so it'd be pointless." I'm willing, but i was just concerned about costs and things, since we aren't very wealthy.
We've been pretty much drug and substance free. Except for occasional alcoholic beverages.

I think a big problem in our relationship has been communication. Sometimes I feel very frustrated, since she doesn't think like me. There's been numerous times where I want to talk, like in long car rides, and she is very short with answers, and she acts like i'm annoying her. She has a very quick fuse. If I say one thing wrong she takes offense very quickly, and it feels like our conversation is ruined. A lot of times I give up, since continuing usually makes matters worse.

I've also sort of given up on adhering to all her requests. I just feel like she's always going to find something to be mad at me about, so why should I bother inconveniencing myself, to make her happy for the moment. I consider her some sort of neat freak, and me not necessarily messy, but taking a more relaxed attitude. I can sense her anger while cleaning the house, and most of the time I offer to help, but I get pushed aside saying she's taking care of it.
I end up doing chores when she's not around. I also have a lot more belongings than her, so my "corner" may seem a bit cluttered, but we live in a small place, so we really just don't have the room currently.
I sometimes find these sort of things stressful, like I'd prefer her to relax sometimes. She'll do the laundry constantly, when things could be a little more spaced out in my opinion.

I don't mean to vent or anything, these are just some of the stressors in our relationship.

Also my wife has always had a problem visiting people. Especially people that i want to visit. She trys to make my time miserable when we're visiting some of my family. She seems to carry an attitude most of the time. Sometimes I feel like i'm bouncing back and forth between my wife and my family. She gives me looks like she wants to go, and like i'm taking too much time. I'm usually a person who likes to visit and spend time with people. She always seems like she wants to leave. I've always considered my family and relatives, happy, loving, non-judgemental people. They're usually always in a good mood, and almost always friendly and hospitable. My wife seems to think otherwise. She tells me they make her feel uncomfortable, and that they tell her how to raise our baby, and are too nosey, and intrusive, and that they need to mind they're own business. Also whenever I want to visit friends say for a barbecue or dinner, she usually finds a way to get out of it, or complains enough to not go. And if we do go together, afterwhile she hints that she wants to go, that she's bored, even though I'm having a great time hanging out and the baby's company is being enjoyed. It seems like our time always gets cut short, and I have to make up some excuse as to why we're leaving early. Most of the time, I end up making the trips by myself, or with me and the baby.

Also, I do a lot of side jobs, that are computer related, and usually the only time I have are on weekday evenings, and on the weekends. It seems like my wife frowns on these, and I always have to run it by her first before i commit to an appointment. Often she'll call me a few times, asking when i'm going to be home, and gets a little impatient saying I'm taking too much time. But do to the nature of computers and the whole virus and spyware issues, I can never estimate the exact time it'll take. She often uses this as arguements saying I don't spend enough time with her, or that how can she be so sure i'm actually working, or that I could be cheating on her. Even tho these I do bring home a little extra money for our family, when i can.
It's gotten to the point to where I have to put things off, or turn down requests, just so i don't have to hear about it.

Please, feel free to vent.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think a big problem in our relationship has been communication. Sometimes I feel very frustrated, since she doesn't think like me. There's been numerous times where I want to talk, like in long car rides, and she is very short with answers, and she acts like i'm annoying her. She has a very quick fuse. If I say one thing wrong she takes offense very quickly, and it feels like our conversation is ruined. A lot of times I give up, since continuing usually makes matters worse.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think communication is a big problem in most relationships. One of the biggest challenges is that most men and women don't think alike. That's half the battle. Don't try to get her to think like you. You married a woman, now you get to deal with our crazy thought processes. Get used to it. Women tend to be much more emotional (i.e. less rational/logical) thinkers. You'll be much happier if you just accept that rather than trying to get her to think more like you.

On top of the usual challenges, your wife is very young and I think that plays a big part in her tantrums...she's still very immature. On top of that, she's got a lot of stress in her life. Most 20 year olds are in college, partying on the weekends, cramming for exams and hanging out with their friends in dorm rooms. That's a fun age and she's missing out on being a 20 year old.
Rather than being out having fun, she's dealing with the death of her dad, being a wife, being a mom, feeling disconnected and hurt by her family. BIG responsibilities! I don't know many 20 year olds that can handle that kind of pressure.
She's very young and doesn't quite know how to express the pain and frustration that she is feeling--it's coming out as anger.

If I were you, I'd look at this like a health problem. You married her for better or worse and this is your first big test. How will you help her get through this? You made the decision to marry a very young woman, now hold up your end of the bargain, be mature and strong.
It doesn't sound like either of you were ready for marriage and so you will have a much more difficult time getting through these first few years. I've heard that the first year is the most difficult for most couples. Hang in there, okay?

Stop pressuring her to get help. YOU get help. Don't try to educate her. Don't try to fix her. Be there for her. Be open and honest with her. Give her a safe place to talk about the pain she is feeling--from what you said, your wife is feeling A LOT of pain. She is very withdrawn right now. YOU are here looking for help. So YOU are going to have to be the one to make the sacrifices and help her. Some day, when she's back on track and you're having a tough time, she'll hopefully remember all you did for her when she really needed someone just to love and support her and then will likewise be there for you.

Steven, she's so young. She's been through so much. Her anger is understandable. It's not helping anything and is causing you a lot of hurt, but give the gal a break, okay? That's so much stress. I really feel for the both of you. Please, find a way to start getting some outside help in your marriage. This marriage is going to have to be your priority--always. Put your marriage first.

Here are some really good books that I think will help you:
Love Busters by Willard Harley
His Need, Her Needs by Willard Harley
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Have you read the Basic Concepts, yet? Have you read about Love Busters? After reading that, do you think that there are things you can change with how you react to her angry outbursts?
You'll get through this. It won't be quick and it won't be easy. Marriage isn't supposed to be.

Smile

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: SmileADay ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She often uses this as arguements saying I don't spend enough time with her, or that how can she be so sure i'm actually working, or that I could be cheating on her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How much time do you guys spend alone together?
You're obviously young and need to make money to support your family, so this is really difficult. When she says you don't spend enough time with her, how do you react?
Quality time is one of the Five Love Languages in that book I mentioned. That could be the thing that really makes her feel loved. Even though you are killing yourself trying to provide for her and take care of your baby, she might not feel loved because she's not getting enough time with you.
The jealousy thing will hopefully go away as she grows up. Ask her what would make her feel like she can trust that you won't cheat on her. Ask her how much time she'd like for you two to spend together so that she feels loved and appreciated. Ask her what she like to do together during that time. The Emotional Needs questionnaire asks these questions. You should do the Love Busters questionnaire, too (maybe first).

As for not being able to spend time with your friends and family, you need to POJA those things. That means that unless she is enthusiastic about going with you, you don't go. That sucks, but that's how POJA works. Rather than dragging her to those events, talk to your family and friends and see if you all can figure out ways to make your wife feel more welcome. Find out why she feels uncomfortable and try to fix it rather than convincing her to go along and then becoming frustrated and upset. She says she's bored. Why? Do you talk about things she's interested in? Does she feel left out intellectually? Maybe you could find board games to play with a group...what would she enjoy? Give her reasons to want to be there or don't go.

Gotta go. I don't know if this helps at all.
Hang in there,
Smile