<BR>Hi Everyone -<P>I've been having a bit of a break from here to try to refocus on the tasks that I have neglected because I have been concentrating on Marriage woes and All of our predicaments.<P>I have accomplished a lot around the house and am feeling very good about doing so.....It's unbelievable, the boost you can get from just getting things more organized around yourself!!!!<P>I still have a lot more that I have to do and then still more that I want to do......so I have plenty to keep giving myself those little boosts with!! <P>When I last posted - I told of H and I having a screamfest on the phone and then my leaving a message of apology on his voicemail....he has not contacted me and is sending the checks so that tells you where he's at!!<P>I don't know what he's thinking - I have mail for him here!! I guess that he's just NOT thinking!! <P>I have one question that I could use advice on before I get to the heart of this thread :<P>The car insurance is due the beginning of December and H paid it last time....I don't have the money to pay it and with his current lack of contact - should I leave a message for him or call him directly and ask if he'll take care of it again? I am not sure what to do...I don't want the insurance to lapse.<P>Thanks for any input on that!!<P>Now on to my first big hurdle...<P>My SIL threw my brother a 40th B-Day party - there were mostly couples there and most of them did not know about me and H getting a divorce....<P>I was dreading it - to tell you the truth!!! I just didn't want to face all of them and to have to explain our split.... I almost didn't go!!!<P>Well, I pushed myself into that shower and into the nicest clothes I have suitable for the occasion and played with my hair again!!!! (for all those who remember my last "nervousness" with the court date and how I dyed my hair at 4 in the morning for the first time!!)<P>Anyway, off I went!!!! <P>I HAD THE BEST TIME!!!!!!<P>Yes, I had to field the "Where's H" inquiries...that stunk!! But I simply said "Gone ... he only plays with cops now!!" and that was that!!!!<P>I haven't laughed and danced so much in years!!!! We were all nuts and I didn't even have one drink!!!! Gosh, I had missed all these people!!!! Some new ones were around also, and I discovered that:<P>LIFE CAN STILL BE ENJOYABLE WHILE GOING THROUGH THIS!!!!!<P>It does, of course, help when your brothers are absolute nutcases!!!! My brother who's birthday it was - tried to pimp me off to the highest bidder!!! LOL!!!! He explained that I had done the "love" thing and now I knew not to buy - just accept the samples.......yes, he is insane!!<P>It was all in jest and to make me relax..... and it worked!!!<P>I just wanted you all to realize that no matter what lays ahead for any of us.....there is and will be some good times in our lives!!<P>They may be few and far between - especially through the Holidays, but the biggest part of having them is taking some "you" time and changing your perspective and thoughts into making the most out of any activities that arise!!!<P>I posted this mostly because of reading CL's thread....I also, feel a "tone" on here and I think that we all need to be each other's strength through this Holiday season!!!! <P>For those of us who are with our spouses.....time to get some "cheer" into your minds and hearts!!!! STOP all the concentrating on relationship matters and DO some relationship playing!!! NO TENSENESS is allowed through the NEW YEAR!!!<BR>Plan A each other and agree to leave the negative thoughts on shelf (at the very least) until after the Holidays....break time!<P>Nothing is more important than allowing yourselves to submit to the wonders of the Holidays ...kids, snow, Santa (or whatever your beliefs), giving Thanks, being with family and friends...<BR>You CAN have a wonderful season if you let yourself...if you let the problems overshadow you though, then you won't!!!!<P>For those of us who have a spouse half in and half out....do whatever you can to have family time and make them HAPPY AND FUN-FILLED!!! <BR> <BR>YES, your spouse is treating you horribly and your feelings are not something to be ignored - but allow yourselves to realize that they are confused and need time!!<P>Then, fill some of that time with some pleasurable moments and add to the wonderful memories that you already share...... No decisions need to be made and the tenseness of trying to bring any about will further distance them!!<P>Have some fun....especially if you have kids!!! This is a perfect opportunity for you to come together and produce an incredible Holiday for them and it just might have an effect on the two of you also!!!<P>Go Ice Skating, or take a Hayride!! Christmas Shop together and go cut down a tree as a family!! Decorate the house and tree while having X-Mas music on and singing!!!! You can do it even if your spouse is not living home....as long as there is contact and they have the kid's best interests at heart!!!<P>Put away your "bad" Pride and need for decisions until after the New Year!!! There is no rush and at the very least the kids deserve a spectacular Holiday!!! They have been through this hell with you, you know!!!!<P>For those of us who are not in contact....send your spouse a Christmas Card!!! Go to the parties and events!!! You can be happy if you pull your mind away from all this for just a little while!!!! You (and the kids if you have them) can do these same things: ice skating, hayride, decorating, singing, etc. and actually enjoy it if you want to!! If you are facing being completely alone - do something that will make you feel good and will help someone else at the same time like - working at a shelter or church, visiting kids in the hospital or children's home... perhaps specd time at a nursing home or with someone in the neighborhood who is alone or needs a helping hand.<P>There will be times when we will be at our lowest during the next couple of months and we need to be able to pull ourselves up - we are all in the middle of a storm, but the one thing about storms is that there is a rainbow at the end!!!! Keep your mind on the rainbow!!!!<P>OK, I have prattled on long enough, but PLEASE, PLEASE resolve yourselves to make the most of things!!!!! Depression could be rampant in our situations without adding the Holiday factor!!!! We need to accept this as one more step on this road and not despair because of the season.<P>And don't forget that MB is always here for us - so time to start picking each other up with some "Holiday Cheer"!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited November 22, 1999).]

Sheba -- I was beginning to wonder where you ran off to.<P>Glad to hear that your feeling better. Your advice to everyone is teriffic. Glad you're here to keep us on the right track.<P>God Bless

WOW, sheba that was nice.<P>The insurance deal. I would say just leave him another message and tell him that you need to talk with mim about it.<P>I'm glad you had fun at the party. I still have fun also, but when the fun is over, my mind starts all over, again.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

HI Sheba, nice to hear from you! Party sounds just wonderful. Great way to start the winter season. The word of the month is FUN!!!!<BR>Can I copy you? Think the house being orderly sounds inviting...so maybe that is the goal for the week? Less computer time, more work time.<BR>

Sheba<BR>You are joining the land of the living and enjoying yourself. <BR>Way to go. The first few times are the hardest. Now keep it up!<BR>Thank you for posting this. We all need to focus on the other things. What we can control. <BR>I vote that we all try to make the holiday season as pleasant as we can for as many people as we can.<BR>I remember far too well where I was last Xmas and I won't go there again.<BR>What do you think of me sending the bimbo a card that says "HO HO HO..."<BR>Oops I guess that wasn't very pleasant.<BR>But then again she probably wouldn't get it.<BR>Forgive me. I'm going to say my rosary now.<BR>Lovya....Keep smiling and enjoying life.<BR>you are making major steps for yourself!!! <P>

Sheba <BR> Good for you! I had to get drunk the first social event -a wedding 3mths after I found out about the affair and our anniversary weekend. Your right about the holidays and enjoying the time instead of remembering the ugly past. We are going to spend Christmas in a cabin on a lake, you know the old fashion kind! Snowmobile to get the tree,make home made decorations,ice fishing. Hopefully it's not -30 C it only has wood heat and no power! Just afraid it would be too hard to spend the holidays as in the past. New memories are important to me since the past ones are tarnished.Take Care'<BR> BECCA

Sheba - OOOHHHHH my hero and my inspiration!!! <P>(NB would be so proud that I'm remembering my icons!!)<P>Good for you. That's all I can say. Keep on doing what you're doing..<P>Think the "smudging" helped at all. Hey, maybe you can help me get celebrating. Clean out the guest room, I'm on my way up!!! <P>Lori

Warrior Gal!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>- tried to pimp me off to the highest bidder!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So, how much is a Sheba going for in the open market now a days, hummmmmm....? <P>What ever you are taking please, please tell us!!! Can we get it in an IV drip? Gosh, what a wonderful post!!! After reading this, I'm still in disbelief as to why your H does what he does. Sheba, you are a rare gem. A very special lady. Promise us you won't change.<P>...City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, filled with Sheba's advice and good cheer....<P>SHA

Sheba -- What an <B>inspiring</B> post!!! Your strength and courage are inspiring....<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>LIFE CAN STILL BE ENJOYABLE WHILE GOING THROUGH THIS!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You know, this is really true, but it is indeed hard to find sometimes.<P>BTW, on the insurance thingy, that worries me. Since you are still married, any uninsured accident by either of you could be the complete ruin of you financially. Ping him again about this. It's pretty important.<P>I agree with SHA, what ever it is you are taking, I want IVs in both arms...<P>(taking up my glass)..Here's to you Sheba...

Sheba - Way to go! You have amazing strength - wish I had even half as much - and a real gift of being able to see the bright side of things. You've got to love that brother of yours... Thank you for the "coping with the holidays" inspirational tips.<BR> Simone

Sheba, <P>Came by for the checkup on my thread, and you KNOW I can't pass you up!!<P>Very nice post... <P>Just call me, Sheryl, working hard at not working so hard... LOL <P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

So the <B>Wisdom</B> of the forum knows have to fun too! Great!!! <P>Being wise means knowing when to let go of a lot of hurt... for much a more valuable prize of a little enjoyment of life... <P>Upbeat post... I liked it! <P>Jim

Way to go! There is life around the holidays afterall!<P>--keystone

Hi twin sheba, <BR>glad you had such a good time.<BR>It is very important to do things that make us feel good ( at all times, but specially during hard times right? )<P>Your advise to everyone is a great one. It's easier to be positive when other things in our life are enjoyable. Actually, we even look better, and that's a fact which is good for the self esteem that is certainly low when things are not at their best.<P>Regarding the car insurance, I guess I would leave him a message, there's no other way to do it, and you need to know.<P>ANyway twin, once again, I'm really happy you went to that b-day party. ANd your brother seems great for lifting spirits <P>Take care<BR>Kat<BR>

Sheba,<BR>Your post made me feel better, Thank you. I<BR>began to feel some sense of confidence in myself I haven't felt since H confession. And you are so right and I know it. Reading<BR>what you wrote has given me the confidence to <BR>try harder to make myself get moving to create holiday cheer. I miss laughing.

Hi Everyone -<P>Thanks for all of your replies......<P>I really hope that we can help make this Holiday Season better for each other and that we can truly realize that we have the power within ourselves to change our thought focus onto some of the good parts in life!!!<P>And we CAN do it.....<P>There are a lot of people facing terrible situations in the world - it helps to keep that in mind....things like not having a home because of earthquakes, floods, etc., or little children spending their season lying in hospitals with life-threatening diseases. Or people who are jobless, homeless and sleeping in boxes!!<P>These thoughts are depressing and sad until you compare your situation and then you don't seem to bad off, do you?<P>For me - I am going to picture a child with no hair cuz of chemo and no strength in their body.....but they have the biggest smile on their face!!!! Why are they smiling? Because they don't dwell on their illness and instead have just gotten a wonderful new coloring book and a huge box of crayons with every color ever made!!!! Life is Awesome!!!!!!!<P>That's going to be me - I have all the colors imaginable and a new coloring book......... <P>So when I get down (which I sort of am at the moment) would you all remind me to get out that coloring book and crayons? I'll share 'em........<P>On some individual notes:<P>ES - Thanks - didn't run off : just tackling a mess of a different kind!!<P>Brownphd - Glad you liked it and I hope you can try to do it....I see so much of myself in your situation and I know how you want to help and get through to your wife.....gotta pick yourself up first!<P>CL - Yes....the word for December is FUN (even if it kills us...LOL!!!) Copy away!!!!<P>WS - You had me laughing with the bimbo card!! LOL!! Naw, she wouldn't get it.<BR>Did you say your rosary? I am smiling a lot more actually.....thanks to all you guys!<P>BECCA - That Old-fashioned Christmas sounds sooooo gooood!!!!! I have always wanted to do something like that!! Ah well, maybe someday!! Let me know how it goes.....<P>Lostva - I don't know about the hero and inspiration part, but I will certainly help you with celebrating!! You and D are more than welcome to come up - it would be a blast!!!! <P>SHA - I knew you'd get a kick out of the "pimping" part!!! LOL!!! I am taking doses of Common Sense and Anti-selfpity - they come in the form of slapping yourself upside your head!!!! They are administered whenever you allow yourself to wallow in misery and stop yourself from enjoying the OTHER people you love in your life!!! Thanks for you kind words and I won't change.....not for the worse anyway, I hope!!!!<P>Heartpain - Thanks for the toast!! and also the advice on the insurance....he isn't answering my pages....oh well, I am trying not to let it get me down - very hard!!!! This too shall pass....<P>Simone - Hope these "coping tips" can help people....I love the Holidays and they have been marred by this situation for long enough in my life....I want the fun of it back and I'm taking it!!!! Hope others do too!!!<P>NB - Glad to hear you're not working hard.....take some breaths from this heavy stuff and remember what is was to wait for Santa!!!!!<P>NSR - EEEEKS!! Wisdom of forum? We'd all be in real trouble......LOL!!!!<BR>Thanks NSR - and glad you liked the post!<P>Keystone - There is going to be life FOR ME around the holidays this year!!!!! I had the past two seasons be the lousiest and I AM MAKING this one be enjoyable!! So there......(Sticking tongue out at H)!!! LOL!!!<P>Kat - Hey there Twin!! You are so right about everything brightening for us when we allow ourselves to enjoy something!! My brothers are fantastic and I wouldn't trade them for anything!!! They have their faults...but they know how to rally!!!!<P>Devastated2 - I am so glad that this has helped you and if you like laughing - stick around cuz we are going to get some humor on this board throughout the season!!!!!<P>Again, Thank you all for responding and I hope that you can all find something to truly enjoy at least once a day!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba <P>