I know I'm new here, and perhaps it's too soon to be a winey baby, but I am so tired of all of this. My story is at the address below: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum19/HTML/000887.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum19/HTML/000887.html</A> <BR>I am so tired of waiting for him to "decide" if he wants to quit resenting me. I am so tired of being "friendly". I want so bad to tell him where he can go. I love him so very much, and I want it to work out, not just for me, but also for my three boys. But I am soooo tired. It'll be four months on the 29th that we've been seperated. We haven't been intimate in that long either - says he doesn't want to hurt me. Now isn't that a perfect example of "paradox". Doesn't he realize I am already hurting. I guess I should respect his decision, for at least he is taking my feelings into consideration.<P>My BIL told me that H was talking to him about me Saturday, about how wonderful I look and the changes I'm making (physically) to myself. My BIL told him, "for someone who doesn't love her, you sure are excited about her." My H told him, "now, I never said I didn't love her." What???? He's told me time and again he no longer loves me, or should I say, is no longer "in" love with me. Of course he loves me as the mother of his children. <P>He says he doesn't know how long it will take him to make his decision. I've asked him to go to counseling, everything. He's one of those people who doesn't believe in counseling. Well, I've never had counseling, but I'm willing to try anything. <P>I mean, he's not having an active affair, so why is this still taking so long. He's there every day, sometimes sleeps there (not with me), which kills me, and even does things with us, like goes to the movies. This is so hard. How can I continue to be around him constantly and keep my sanity. I try to avoid him as much as possible when he's around. I can't even make conversation, I'm so hurt.<P>Sorry for this long post, but I am so tired - never sleep - I need more prayer.<BR>

<B>My H told him, "now, I never said I didn't love her." What???? He's told me time and again he no longer loves me, or should I say, is no longer "in" love with me. . . .</B><BR>Hi, TiG,<BR> I would like to ask a few questions: the above statements sound like FOG talk to me....are you absolutely SURE there is NO OW? It sure sounds like there is.<BR>I don't want to upset you - I surely don't want that. I'm just saying that he is following the SAME SCRIPT as so many other WS's on this site. His behavior and words would make a lot more sense that way If he's involved in an active A, then the things he's saying are all just "Fog talk" and can be completely IGNORED by you! This would make you quit swimming around in a fog yourself. Just ignore it! He's too deep in his fog to know what he's saying!<P><B> He's there every day, sometimes sleeps there (not with me)</B><P>Where? where does he sleep? Do you know for certain where he is every minute of the day? And are you (politely) saying that your H does want to make love to you? Again, I repeat sounds like "A" actions and words.<P><B>...even does things with us, like goes to the movies. This is so hard. How can I continue to be around him constantly and keep my sanity. I try to avoid him as much as possible when he's around. I can't even make conversation, I'm so hurt.</B><P>When he "does things with you" do you Plan A? This is CRUCIAL now. You need to read all about Plan A on this web site and be sure you are following it TO THE LETTER. This plan *WORKS* ! !<P>Keep posting. There are others here who are much more intelligent in these areas than I, and I know they will answer, too, but I wanted you to have SOME helpful words to hang onto.<BR>Lupo

Lupo,<P>I'm pretty sure there is no OW, at least in the Affair since, involved. My husband had a series of One Night Stands over a 5-year period, with different women. He confessed all to me, trying to convince me we needed to divorce. Now he is reconsidering the D thing. I've asked him if there is (or was) another woman, and he really has no reason to lie since he's told me everything else. He says he feels I would deserve to know that so I could move on with my life - but, no, there is no OW (in the "A" since).<P>When he was saying "now, I never said I didn't love her," he was talking about me to my BIL. When I say "He's there every day, sometimes sleeps there (not with me)," I mean he is sleeping at my house sometimes, but not sleeping with me. He won't be intimate with me unless he decides to come back for good, because he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he already has.<P>I'm really not clear on the Plan A thing, except to say that his most important EN's that I wasn't meeting, I believe, are Sexual Fullfilment and Physical Appearance. As far as I know, I was good at all the other EN's. Hard to say because he hasn't taken the questionnaire, and won't until he decides if he wants to work on the marriage. Well, I have already corrected the Physical Appearance, as you can tell by his comments to my BIL about how good I look - that I'm back down to the size I was when we met. Now, as far as SF, I can't very well fulfill that unless he is intimate with me, which he won't be unless he decides to come back. I know he wants to, but he's very stubborn.<P>As far as other things, I Plan A very well, I believe. Was doing it even before I found out what Plan A is. I'm always very nice to him, and I help him with whatever he wants: laundry, work stuff, etc. I am being the "doormat" that Dr. Harley referred to. But it hurts so much being around him all the time, not getting to touch him or kiss him, or hug him. It hurts knowing that he resents me so much for my physical appearance that he would risk losing our family. I know he has a right to feel the way he does, but I have changed the look, so I can't understand why he won't come back. <P>He always said that if he ever committed adultery, our marriage would be over because the trust would never come back. That's a bunch of bull. I feel as long as I'm meeting his EN's in the future, he won't commit adultery again, so I can trust him again. I've shown him this in the past - that I can trust him.<P>Anyway, here I've posted another long one. Thanks for the advice, and I'll "keep on truckin'", no matter how much it hurts.<P>I prayed last night at the alter and my pastor was preaching and it came upon him to say that the answer to my prayer is on it's way. I really believe with all my heart that God will send him home, I'm just so lonely.<P>Oh, and by the way, he is in a FOG, I know that, but I don't think it's OW-related. Besides, he has no time for another woman - he's always with me and/or my kids at my house. An OW wouldn't put up with that, I don't think. He would only be seeing her late at night, and that's more like a "*ooty call".<P>Thanks again!<BR>TIG

I posted this on the "How do you Know?" thread, as well.<P>You know, I have been raised to know God for all my life. My parents weren't active Christians when I was growing up, but we (kids) generally went to our church off and on, and my Dad did teach us about God. I had many instances in my childhood where my faith healed me. Of course, it's easier for a child to have faith. I also had one incident in my M that my faith was tested, and it came through, but the problem only lasted about a month.<P>I have been praying, fasting, reading, led to this site, been shown many signs, etc., and it isn't until now (4 months later), that I feel that I have truly received my answer. My pastor told me last Wednesday that my answer to my prayers was coming from God. That Friday, my cousin came into town and we had a revival, for which he was preaching. He did not know anything of my circumstances, and during his preaching, he told me that God was going to fill a void in my life very soon. Well, of course, I know that void is my husband. Here I have God's answer, and I'm still having a hard time letting go. I think I have let go, but I am still so sad because he's not home yet.<P>I guess what I'm trying to say is you can have a life-long relationship with God, and still have your faith tested. I thought I had a lot of faith, no doubt, but it's being tested once again.<P>Do you all think that being sad, even though you know God's answer and you know all is going to work out, is a lack of faith? I know I am supposed to lift my head up, and I at least try to when he's around, but for the most part, I am really sad most of the time because I am so lonely, and I just can't believe it has come to this.<P>Before I got the message from God, I had taken my first anti-depressant. This is something I have been struggling with. Just before church that day, I took my first, and cried about it. Then, when I got the message, I felt that God is really going to bring him home very soon and was telling me to hold off taking the anti-depressants, so I am waiting - still very sad.<P>God Bless!<BR>TIG<P>