Chris7,<p>May the lord bless you and your fsmily in your time of grief.<p>Lord please bestow your love on this family in your name, Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.<p>My Gods blessings pour unto your family in this time of great sorrow.<p>Wallace

Oh Father God,
Please be with Chris7 and her children. You know what they need, whether it be comforting, or support, or nudges to move on. Please wrap them in the knowledge that you are the ultimate one to turn to. Please cover the children so that they do not confuse the actions of am imperfect earthly father with what they can expect from their Heavenly Father.<p>Amen.

Hi Chris - <p>This is what I have learned from my ordeal and how I make peace with it:<p>Suicide is an irrational act. It does not make sense to you or me. We are trying to rationalize an irrational act.<p>People who usually take their own lives have a chemical imbalance. Unfortunately, they way people die from this imbalance is sometimes suicide. It is a disease. No one raises an eyebrow if you get cancer and die from it. Unfortunately, suicide still has a stigma related to it.<p>I also learned from my grief books that the best way to honor someone who has died is to live the best life you possibly can. Remember the tools he gave you and make him proud that he was a part of your life.<p>I believe that people don't intentionally make mistakes. They make the best decision at the time given the information they have. They may realize a split second later that their decision could have been wrong, but did not set out to make a mistake at the time. At the time, it made sense and seemed right to him.<p>Grief is a long, slow process. Hopefully, you are protected by the "fog" of the shock of the situation. I couldn't remember what I was doing from one moment to the next and would sit in the cafeteria watching everyone's life go on as normal and wonder how they could function when my life had taken such a horrible turn. I also remember clearly when the fog started to lift and I had to find another way to deal with things.<p>It is called the waves of grief and it made a lot of sense to me. Just as you think you get through one part, something happens and slams you back as if you were hit by a wave. You have to figure out how to ride the next wave. I think this helps when you discover you have dealt with something and have to deal with it again. You thought you were "over it" (a particular stage) and it pops back up.<p>People all grieve differently and at different times. Keep that in mind as you see people reacting in different ways.<p>It is also so hard for your family and friends. They don't know what to say. The ones I appreciated most said, "I can't imagine what you are going through. I am sorry."<p>The ones who tried to say something cute and clever just needed to go away. I am sure you have heard it, "He's in a better place, it was God's will..." While that may be true, it is probably not what you want to hear right now.<p>The books that I mentioned at www.save.org were excellent. One is called Suicide - Why? I think it had about 75-100 questions and answers. The author's daughter took her life (I think around 18) and the books helped me very much.<p>It helped to know that my feelings were normal. I felt like I was spinning out of control and that my life was broken into a million pieces. Reading books validated my feelings and I realized that I was not alone. Your situation seems unique, but there are many others that have been through a similar situation. When my dad died, 7 of the 9 people that sat near me at work approached me with similar stories. You would be amazed at how many lives are touched.<p>Bottom line - you are probably never going to know why this happened and what he was thinking. And when you see him again, I doubt that will be your first question. No matter how well you think you know someone, you never really know what they are thinking inside. So, don't beat yourself up about it.<p>I don't know if any of this helps you, it is just what I had to learn the hard way. <p>I will pray for you and your family.

Thank you all for the prayers for comfort and peace and protection. I had a dream about him a few days ago, in it we were 'intimate' and I woke up and just cried. I don't know anything else, I've never 'been' with anyone else! There were some good times, of course, but overall, the marriage was not a good one and I knew I was hanging on to something not good for me, for my children, but thinking of another man, being with someone else really terrifies me (not that I don't like sex, I am passionate!) it just all sucks, to be honest with you all. I'm struggling with that. I know I want to be in a relationship, but its got to be God's will this time, not mine...sigh...you are so impatient when you are young to grow up and now I wish I did not have grown up worries.<p>Chris7

Chris,
For some reason I am thinking of how Gods people were in the desert and they were tired of being there. I think they were ok when they had a mission and a leader with a clear plan, but the hardest time was when they were doing nothing but waiting. They were severly tempted.
Patience is not my strong point and through learning of the affair I have been forced to grow and be patient. My H affair was nothing compared to what you have to deal with, but I imagine, you also have felt like everyone see's you and thinks you are ok but on the inside you are screaming.
I am glad to see you here, we could all learn a lot from you.
L