As of last night, my husband & I agreed to start our road to recovery. Praise the Almighty God! God has answered my prayers to lead H home. H sat with me & filled out all MB questionnaires, agreed to go to MC next week & to start spending RC together. He also has agreed to write the NC letter with my help. I know this will be a very hard road to follow, but with God as the focal point now, as it should be, we will overcome this battle & come out victorious! Thank you to all of you on MB. All my friends! I love you all & I thank God for all of you coming in to my life! God bless you! S&C, I'd like to thank you most of all for being an inspiration to keep having faith & praying for strength to endure.

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

God IS wonderful, isn't He? I am so happy to hear this. I will pray for your full recovery. God Bless!!!

H98

\0/ Praise be to Our Heavenly Father! \O/

That is great news SFM. I will still keep you in my prayers as you start down this new road.

Father, We thank you for softening SFM's H's heart and allowing Your Love in. Remind them to look to You first when problems occur and surround them in the Glory of Your Rainment, protecting them from evil influences. This we ask through Your Precious Son, Jesus. Amen.

ttsmm

Wait while I close my door...

Standing...

You have so blessed me today. Thank you.

I have been trying to stay away for a while. The stuff I see here just rips at my heart sometimes.

But to come back and see your post; I literally get tears of joy. I am so very happy for you. And if the Lord has been good enough to allow me to be a part of that; so much the better.

BTW - Just to let you know. My inspiration; are my parents, who celebrate their 50th Annivesary today. Vietnam, tours in Korea and Japan, business successes and failures. They've been through a lot. Not to mention the stuff I don't know about.

Bless you, your H and your M. Keep in touch if you want; e-mail is good. It's in my link.

S&C

Yvette,

I totally agree with S&C. It is an absolute joy to hear you tell your story. I would give you a great big brotherly hug if you were here. We all have shared a victory because you are such a part of us. It also should encourage others to not give up, not to lose hope. Sometime let your hubby read down thru these posts and let him see the heartache, the ups a downs of our emotions, and how sweet a report like yours is!!! I believe the Holy Spirit would speak to him if you did.

Now we need to get another marriage saved. I would like to see Trying's next. It would be so neat to see God do a miracle in that home. God, send Your mighty power down on that home!!! But of course I want to see all of the marriages saved soon. And then me Lord! Don't forget little ole me!!!! I will be last Lord, if You will bless all these other marriages according to Your will! Thanks Jesus!

God Bless You All!!!
sg

Thank you all for your replies! I love you all so much! :TEARS: I don't know how I would have survived all this without each and every one of you's encouragement & support. Holding me accountable for any actions, giving me an encouraging word, lifting me up in prayer, I can't thank you enough! I am so overjoyed, so overcome with emotions today I don't know what to do! Sometimes I want to cry, like right now, then other times, I just want to keep praising His name over & over & over. God has shown us the path to go down, & we must follow it. His way, not ours. This is so very hard because we as humans tend to want to do things our way. That selfish pride of ours! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

S&C,
I tried to go to the link, but I didn't find any e-mail address. Is there something I should look for? And Happy Anniversary to your parents! That's my goal for my H & I - to be one of the golden couples on our local TV station celebrating 50 yrs of M! Wouldn't that be glorious?

Thank you for the compliment, sg. It touched me. I kept thinking I was taking & taking & not giving back. I have felt like I was being so selfish, thinking about my own needs & wants. But please know that I have been praying for each & every one of you since I found this forum. I too pray that Trying sees some kind of breakthrough in his M. I am very concerned for him right now & my heart grieves for him & his family.

I am so overjoyed right now but I also see how much heartache is still out there & it grieves me beyond words. It fills me with sadness to know that so many homes are broken right now & I pray that God gives each person standing for their M, peace & contentment.

Yvette,

From the first day you posted on the Prayer Forum you have contributed to the recovery of others. We are very glad you are here.

My e-mail address is located at the bottom of the first post in my link. But here's the address for you. sandc_mb@hotmail.com. E-mail me anytime.

Bless you and your H.

S&C

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

Hello Standing,
Praise God for your miracle and thank you for being here for all of us!
All of us here will be answered soon - God's time. We can not make it any sooner. God has to have a porthole to go through and our spouses must accept God for him to do his work. Some take longer. I know God has an awful job getting through my WS, but I am willing to wait for his promise!
Single I hope you and TTSMM are ahead of me in line as you both have waited longer than me.

God Bless all of you

Hey guys and gals. Go to www.gwwm.com. There is a book there called " It Only Takes One". This guy was divorced and ended up remarrying her. It tells the story, and might help someone here.

God Bless
sg

SG,

I've mentioned this website to my H & he has shown an interest but he has not checked it out yet, probably due to his work schedule. I would like to sit down with him this weekend & let him read through the posts though & hopefully, prayerfully, he'll consider joining too to get encouragement for his end. He really does need someone godly to talk to as those whom he has trusted over the years have always repeated things that were supposed to be held in confidence.

One thing I am concerned with - he is not too happy about writing a NC letter to OW. He wants to just call her & tell her goodbye. How will he see that this is an essential part of the healing process? That this would be a HUGE boost to regaining trust from my end. I have to give him kudos though, because when he realized he needs to be held accountable for his actions, I wanted him to check in with me, call me, etc. to know his whereabouts & that nature. Give me a sense of peace, I guess? He wasn't too happy about that either. He didn't want to be treated like a "child" (one of our other problems among many). The next day though, he did call me at work to "check in" and chatted with me for a while before he left for work. He also has been letting me know what he's going to be doing in the morning before he has to go to work & who he's going to be with. Now, should I ask for phone #'s of these two people (guy friends) he's made friends with while he was gone? I hate checking up on him & having to know every detail. I keep saying to myself that the only person I can fully put my trust in is God. That my H is very human & I cannot trust him completely although I want to. I don't believe I can just go by blind faith though. I know that faith is in things unseen, but God also says not put our faith in man.

S&C and LNC,
Thanks for making me feel so special! AW SHUCKS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Wow! When I came home today H socks, underwear, personal toiletries, were all in a bag on the couch! I can't believe this is actually happening! PTL!!!!

Why am I so scared? I am so nervous about all of this. I find myself wanting to rush into things again, and I have to keep telling myself to take baby steps, this is a process, a long process. If I waited for him to return, then I can wait for the Lord to work while he's here. But why do I have this sense of fear coming over me? I keep fearing that therapy will not work. Lord, rebuke and bind Satan please! He is filling my head with so many doubts and fears! Help me Lord! Friends???

We did go out on a "date" Saturday and had a fabulous time and Sunday was a very relaxful day with the kids and then we had some alone time and went shopping for pool tables. This is one of the things we enjoy doing together (need to get in that RC time).

He is very adamant about not writing the NC letter though. He claims that she has called him twice last week while he was down here all week and he didn't return her calls. I'm finding myself not being able to trust what he tells me even though he has been honest with me about everything else since before Christmas. Should I just close my eyes and step out on faith again with him? I get so confused. This is what I wanted, God's handing it to me and yet I feel so scared. Help, my friends!

Hey, Yvette,

It is reasonable and normal for you to feel afraid and a little untrusting right now--you are openning up and risking your heart again with someone who has already hurt you once. I'm not a big advocate of putting on rose-colored glasses and "pretending" that you two are fine, because in reality you are not fine. But you ARE better and walking toward a goal of reconciliation! YAY!!

One of the things that is often hard for the WS's to understand is that they need to be held accountable for their time, money and phones. They often feel like the BS's are "controlling" them and say stuff like, "Just trust me! I'm not a child!" But there are very specific steps that need to be taken in order to heal both YOU and HIM.

Yvette, it is reasonable for you to not trust him regarding the OW right now. He lied and covered up in the past, and did a good job blaming you for doubting him even though he actually WAS lying! Anyway, if you take out the in-love, marriage component, let me ask you this: if a very good, close friend of yours lied to you and stole some of your money, would you trust them right away? Nope. You would expect them to earn back your trust over some time. You'd expect them to apologize to you and be completely honest with you...then pay you back...then stay away from any of your financial transactions or money in the house...then slowly you might trust them with a couple bucks...and if they were reliable with that you might trust them a little more...until slowly the close friend would be right back where they were and maybe even MORE trustworthy. Can you see that Yvette?? If a friend lied to you and covered up that they stole from you, you would not just give them free and full trust with your next bank deposit in cash, would you?

So then why do WS's pressure BS's to "just trust them" and BS's say to themselves "maybe I should? Am I being bad if I don't?"

This is simple, hon. You are not required to trust him, and he does not have the inalienable right to your trust. It is reason for you to say, "This is what it will take for you to earn back my trust, and I will keep sticking my neck out and risking it as long as you keep earning more and more." That is guarding your heart. It is reasonable to want access to his computer and to all his email addresses...it is reasonable to want access to his cell bill...it is reasonable to want to roughly know his schedule and be able to "check" that he is where is said he was going to be...it is reasonable to look at his mail.

Yvette, you have nothing to hide, right? Would you be upset if he read the notes in your email right now? Is there anything in there that would hurt him or be disrespectful? If there is, then you know what to do. Is there any reason you wouldn't want him to see who you've called on your cell phone? Would you feel constricted if he knew most of your daily schedule and periodically made sure that you were actually where you said you were going to be? How about if he read your mail? Would it bother you or be secretive or anything? Shoot, girl, I'm so in the open that YOU could read my email, look at my cell bill, and read my mail! haha!!

Anyway, I hope you see my point. What you are asking for is very reasonable and not demanding in the least. There is a difference between privacy and secretive.

Now, "Be strong and of a good courage. Be not afraid neither be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wheresoever you go."


CJ

Yvette,

That is wonderful news! God is obviously working.

Try to give your fears to Him and let Him work in your husband's life/heart in His time. It is easy, in the excitement, to want everything "perfect" right now... but if your husband is not ready for something (like coming to MB), you might end up "pushing" him. So, try, try, try to be patient. It's not easy. The Lord can help you though.

Keep giving those fears to the Lord. Fight them with Scripture. Memorize it and when you feel fears, doubts, worries, quote them. Scripture is a weapon because it is the truth and when you dwell on the truth, you won't believe the lies!

I'm really not sure what to tell you about the NC letter. Keep praying about it and apply wisdom... search the Scriptures and apply them. I pray that God gives you wisdom!

You two are so right. Finally, an example of the trusting a friend issue has already happened to me. I love my cousin to death, we're very close, but he has stolen from family members before. This makes me distrust him so whenever he stays over at my house, I am on guard and wouldn't put it past him to steal from me even though we are so close. I suppose then it is the same thing with my H. I believe he understands this. He tells me over & over that he knows I cannot trust him, that he doesn't trust himself, but he's unsure of what kind of plan to come up with to gain that trust back. He has been "checking in" with me every day during the week, calling me at work, letting me know his schedule, etc. so I know where he's at. He has been true to his word so far since he's been back. For instance, he told me he would go to therapy and did go with me today. If you remember before, he would tell me (while he was living alone) that he would go but then wouldn't go, leaving me all disappointed & frustrated. He is going now so that makes me feel better, more relaxed that maybe he does mean what he says when he says he wants to work on things. He keeps telling me that he has not had contact with her since he agreed to come back, that she knows he wants to work things out with me, & he hasn't returned any of her phone calls. Pretty soon he will be completely moved back in here & his other phone will be shut off. She does not have this # and as far as I know, he will not give it to her (he has shown respect in that area). He does not understand the point of the NC letter. His point is that he could send this letter but that doesn't necessarily mean that I can trust him to keep his word. He could very well end up calling her while I'm at work & tell her to forget the letter, he wants to see her. He says he won't do that, but that is just an example. He is right. I do not know if he is being true & not calling her from our home. I cannot hire a PI & check his every move so some degree of trust needs to be there. He just doesn't know what point it has to write this letter. Maybe he's right. He hasn't told me nor acted like I'm treating him like a child. He understands the reasoning behind the check-ins, the distrust, etc. He knows he has broken that trust bond & admitted that he feels extremely badly that I cannot trust him, that he has caused that & he wants to make amends for that. He wants to earn that trust back but he knows this will take a lot of time. He wants to take things slowly, not rush into anything. That's why he was sleeping on the couch. He was not ready to jump back in to share a bed with me. Last night he did come to bed though, so we are moving in the right direction.

He says we are taking steps forward but it will take some time. I know that I probably am trying to "rush" things. He says he is interested in taking a look at the MB site & meeting all of you, but he will do it "someday". Why isn't this answer good enough for me? Someday to me could be a year from now or something. I would like him to take an interest in the friends that I've made on this site. He does want to hear about the messages that have been posted though. He enjoys hearing me talk about all of you & especially the guinea pig comments from the other thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He really enjoyed those!

We are also learning how to communicate with one another without attacking each other, really listening to the other without interrupting, things like that. And in therapy today, my H was quite talkative, unlike before he left when he would clam up because he was afraid of what I might say. He really wants to be totally honest, even if it means hurting my feelings unintentionally. I have to learn how to hear the things that I don't want to hear without feeling attacked personally. He is just expressing himself, I have to remember that. How else am I supposed to know how he feels unless he can be totally open with me? Otherwise, we will fall into the same pattern that led us here to begin with - he knew I wanted to hear I love you all the time and he gave that to me when all the while he wasn't feeling it. He was afraid to tell me because I would get angry or upset so in turn he ended up hiding his true feelings.

I am so thankful that he has agreed to work on this M. That God has answered my prayer of reconciliation and that we are on the road to complete restoration. I have to trust God. He led my H back home, now He will guide us the rest of the way.

Thanks for listening ladies. You really helped me see things a little more clearly.

Yvette,

Hey Sis,for the most part it seems that your marriage relatioship is making some major advances towards healing and recovery. Since the girls have answered your concerns so well! Thank God for our girls on this forum! I will just add what I feel needs to be said. I think your hubby is not understanding the significance of the letter to the OW. All of his points are valid from his point of view. But what he doesn't see is your need for security, and I think that is the real reason that you NEED the letter to be written. And I agree!!! Tell him that the letter may not get sent right away, but you need it for your peace of mind. Tell him that you appreciate all he is doing to be trustworthy, but the two of you sitting down and writing the letter will take your intimacy to the next level. Tell him that he is doing this purely for you! And you can tell him that I will be glad to converse with him here if he would want to. Tell him I am not here to judge him. Just to help him to possibly see things from a new perspective. Yes must realize I might learn some things about you I didn't know. But I don't feel you have anything too scary in your closet. Do YOU????? Just joking!

So anyway, at this time, I am just glad for you. If he is keeping you posted as much as he is, that is good. Why don't you go to www.loveandrespect.com and look around a little. Most men need help with intimacy. Maybe you will see something there that will help!

God Bless You Yvette

sg

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hey Sis,for the most part it seems that your marriage relatioship is making some major advances towards healing and recovery </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's good to hear this. It makes me feel a whole lot better knowing that from someone else's perspective we're moving forward. Thanks. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank God for our girls on this forum! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN TO THAT!!!! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But what he doesn't see is your need for security, and I think that is the real reason that you NEED the letter to be written.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've tried this, to no avail. I don't think he truly understands from my perspective. I don't know how to get him to see that. I haven't done this to him, so he won't understand.

I don't want to create strife, but I feel so strongly about this. He even asked the therapist if he thought it was a good idea. That maybe the therapist could explain it better of why this letter needs to be written. The therapist told him that that was something we had to decide for ourselves. Although he is a pro-marriage counselor (he would never tell someone to divorce their spouse), he has never heard of the MB program. This makes it very hard. I have been reading a book called, A Christian's Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage. The C has made a lot of points taken from this book (I can tell by what he says). I do believe that God is directing this C's words, but I don't think my H is hearing them all too well. I really can't complain about too much, because, like I said, H is going to C and he seems very sincere in his efforts to try to save this M, to restore trust and try to gain back the love that was lost. I really appreciate and admire him for being totally honest with me, not hiding anything, which is the way it should be. Sometimes the human part of me though, wishes that he would have experienced some of the pain that I have experienced to truly understand where I'm coming from. Is that awful?? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks sg for your reply. It helps coming from a man's perspective. I'll try to get him to come on here & talk to you, but I can't promise anything. He has repeated over & over he will not be forced into anything, persuaded, whatever. He will make the moves into things when he feels ready to do so, not before. This is a smart move because then he would feel "obligated" to do certain things instead of truly wanting to do them from his heart.

Yvette,

Yes, we do as humans wish that people could really understand how we felt, and that it would be good for them to experience our pain. But I will say that God always seems to send someone who HAS or really has compassion for us. Look, God sent us to you didn't He? We know your pain!

I think your situation is moving along nicely compared to some of the others I read elsewhere. Put your hand in God's hand, and everything else in God's hands. Just so you know, I don't have a computer at home purposely!!! I see these posts at 1 and 2 AM, and wonder why aren't these people in bed!!! I want a life away from computers in the evening. I like to walk, and play with my 2 grandsons, Dawson, and Austin! We are the three Amigo's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> And I love the daylights out of both of them. We are buddies!!!

But if you need to ask a question, or want an opinion....

God Bless
sg

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see these posts at 1 and 2 AM, and wonder why aren't these people in bed!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cause for some of us it's only 9 or 10 pm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Yvette.

Bless ya both.

S&C

SFM,
That is such great news to hear. I can understand your H's not wanting to send the NC letter. But, he needs to understand that even if there were problems in the M before the A, he cheated, you DIDN'T. He borke your trust in him and he NEEDS to regani it.

When my W suspected my A, but wasn't confirmed, she would always ask me where I was, and would SNIFF me when I came home. I knwe I wasn't cheating anymore, but it made me angry. After I confirmed her suspicions, that continued and I made a big deal over it. I said apologized and said I would never cheat again, because not only did it hurt you and destroy our M, but it is also too much to keep the lies straight. Now I wish she would sniff me again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your H needs to realize that you need to know his whereabouts all the time because you WANT to trust him again.

If he comes here, send him my way and I will give him my opinion (very humble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) of how you are feeling and WHY you are requesting the NC and every thing else.

Side note: Is god working in my M? 2 days ago Marie was ill but stil went to work with no voice. She calls me when she got to work to tell me that she made some really good soup and to have some. Yesterday, she made pizza and she spent time cutting herbs and veggies on my slices.

May God hold your face in his hands,
ttsmm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by singleguy:
<strong> Just so you know, I don't have a computer at home purposely!!! I see these posts at 1 and 2 AM, and wonder why aren't these people in bed!!! I want a life away from computers in the evening. I like to walk, and play with my 2 grandsons, Dawson, and Austin! We are the three Amigo's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> And I love the daylights out of both of them. We are buddies!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, sg, I post now and then at 1 or 2am, and you know why I'm not in bed? Because during the morning I want to be with my children and get them ready for school. During the day, I go to work and do a job that honors God. In the evening, I pick up my kids from school, do homework, make dinner, and listen to their music. At night, I play with my dogs and talk to my friends and loved ones and extended, created family. Finally, I have a commitment to the folks here on this forum to sign on and share the walk. For me it is an important duty to serve my brothers and sisters, and the only time I can sign on is after I've also fulfilled my family commitments and played with my kids!

Then and only then can I sign in and play with y'all! haha

***********

Miss Yvette,

Just so you know, what sg wrote to you is a gold mine. It is completely reasonable for you to crave the security and reassurance that the NC letter stands for; however, do not fall for a trap that I fell for. When my exH had his big A, he treated me so meanly and hurt me so much that I felt as if our marriage vows were broken. In my eyes, the behavior of the A smashed the promise between us, so I thought that if we renewed our vows, it would recreate the vow or renew the promise--like a phoenix rising out of the ashes, a new vow would be made from the death of the old one.

WELL...years went by and we never renewed our vows, and I kept pestering about it (periodically, not all the time) and it just never got done. Finally, I decided to just accept it and be disappointed--he did not want to or was not willing to do this for me. Honestly, it's not the most godly attitude,but I was bummed because it would have helped me heal a LOT and it seemed like he did not want to do what would was in my best interest.

Finally, after giving up hope, one day he asked me why I wasn't pestering him anymore and I told him the truth (which of course, he did not like). So, he booked a trip and a small chapel and we went and renewed our vows.

I remember at the time thinking, "I thought this would be a great healing event in our marriage, and instead it feels like a resentment." He was even grouchy after the vows!

See, Yvette, I fell for a trap. I thought that renewing vows meant, "I love you again" and "I'm in love with you" and "I choose you again over every other woman" and "Let's heal this rift between us" and "You are valuable and loved to me" because to me, I would not SAY vows if I did not feel those kind of things. However, saying those words were just saying words and just going through the motions.

It is easy to focus in on a certain "specific" action or thing we want our spouse to do, thinking that doing that thing will cure something. In reality, it's not so much that specific action--its the day-to-day loving actions that heal or destroy. My exH did finally go through with technically renewing the vows, but it was out of resentment to shut me up--not out of loving day-to-day behavior that he wanted to express in a formal setting before God. July 1st we renewed our vows, and on Thanksgiving Day just a few months later, I found out he was cheating again.

I think an NC letter is important for your security, but don't clamp down on that as the ONLY way of demonstrating loving security. How does your hubby intend to SHOW YOU that you are secure? He may surprise you, and it may be in small loving ways every day.

Okay??


CJ

Hi,

When my first H cheated in the late 80's, we both agreed that the *only* thing that saved our marriage was God. We hadn't heard of MB, or Plan A, B, the 4 Agreements or the POJA. We struggled, BIG TIME.

I had a hard time forgiving, and he was not very forthcoming with information or willing to do what I needed to heal. But know what? We healed ANYway!

So don't despair, even if your H goes in little tiny baby steps, healing is possible!

I'm happy for your progress... always nice to see restoration.

Oh, and singleguy, I am on at 1,2 or 3 am because that's when my husband works... until I find work, I am on his schedule. Yicky, but true.

<small>[ February 28, 2004, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

OK! OK! I have learned my lesson!!! No more will I wonder or ask why people post at the times they do!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Geees!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Henceforth I shall not pontificate or reason why, mine is just to do or die!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> {I'd still like to know what that word means!} But if you should ever get the idea that you can change me!!!, buyer beware! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You fantastic folks have a wonderful and God Blessed Day!!!

sg <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I let my H read down through this post so I won't be keeping anything from him. He seemed to understand where the gentlemen were coming from, but of course, he sided with FaithfulWife. He intends on showing me day-to-day what I mean to him. Needless to say, after a wonderful, loving weekend, and a very long talk on Sat night, I have decided to not push the issue with the NC letter. I will observe his day-to-day actions & weigh the situation that way. I guess I was thinking that I had to follow the MB program to the letter (no pun intended <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) if there was any chance of healing. I had to remember that God's way isn't necessarily man's way & Dr. Harley, although I believe very helpful, is not God. His opinion is simply an opinion, a man's opinion. I had prayed for God to lead my H home, I had prayed for love to be restored, and after observing my H's actions this past weekend, I know we're going to be okay with time.

My H finally expressed to me all of his thoughts that he was thinking, feelings he was feeling during our separation. NOt surprisingly, God was really at work, more than I knew. Funny how that works, isn't it? Happy to report that H has committed himself to a new, fresh M, not re-committed mind you, because that would take us back to where we were before. But we both have committed ourselves to each other, to a new, fun, fresh relationship, getting to know each other in the new ways we both have developed.

God, please guide us on this new journey. Help us renew our love for one another, never losing sight of our one true love, You. Thank you for bringing us closer together this weekend and giving us a chance to show our children what true committment is about. Thank you for always being there to weather the storm, never letting go, giving up or giving in. In all of this, I praise Your name. Amen and Amen!

FYI, I've changed my screenname on MB to reflect my current situation so you know it's little ole' me posting still but under a different name. Have a God-filled day! Blessings to all of you!

YEA YVETTE!!!!!

You have been blessed! Yes, it doesn't matter what we have given you for advice. The important thing is that you have GOD in charge, and that the two of you are obedient to His word. If there is no need for the letter, than so be it! Thanks for posting your praise report for us to share in. You and your hubby will be blessed for being obedient, and for sharing, which is also ministering. God Bless the two of you!!!

sg

The new name suits you.
May God continue to bless you and your husband's new committed marriage.

God's Grace,
ttsmm

Hee hee, I was totally confused with the new name. Man, oh man... I'm sooooo easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Best wishes on the continued healing of your marriage and your life. Love the updates, and so neat that you brought your H and let him read the responses...

I truly believe that God can and does heal... sometimes even in spite of ourselves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for all the encouragement folks. I never realized something until today and that's that I haven't really forgiven him for everything that happened. Although I said I did (& I really thought I did), I'm finding that I keep bringing it up (him leaving, OW, etc.) and this could very well kill restoration! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I have to pray daily for this ability. When he was away, it was easy to say I forgive you, but now that he's back, I can feel resentment setting in and this must stop before it kills what's been started. Could use your prayers on this one guys. Thanks.

Yvette,

What I'm going to share with you is fairly personal and still hurts me a lot, so be gentle! I must admit that I too struggle with forgiving and LETTING IT GO. My exH was very, very harmful to me by being abusive and having several affairs. He did things to me and to our kids that are very hard to forgive, and frankly impossible to forget. More than once, he just "disappeared" for 6-9 months to be with one of his OW--we had no support, no money, no job, and I had to somewho take care of it all on my own. I'm telling you--in some ways if I were to tell you the whole story, it would be horrifying.

What I find is that my exH has not really used words to apologize or admit he was wrong, but sometimes his actions indicate that he knows what he did hurt me...or that the choices he made were not the wisest (although he's unwilling to change or stop). So, for my own sanity and peace, I basically decided to forgive him even if his words did not take responsibility, offer empathy, etc. In other words, he never asked for it, but I made a decision to forgive anyway. However, what happens for me is that when something in the present happens or is said, it somewhat triggers a memory or a feeling from the past, and it re-wounds me and I end up feeling all angry and resentful all over again.

I'm sorry. This is not my best moment as a human being, but it's the truth.

The way I deal with this "flashback" feeling of resentment is:

1)Acknowledge it's there, but don't dwell on it. For example, I may feel all hurt and angry, so I say to myself, "I feel hurt and angry right now and about 90% of that is a flashback." Don't pretend you don't feel that way, because then you're stuffing.

2) Recognize that it's a flashback, and do what I need to do to be in the present, not in the past. Sometimes, I need to be very tactile to be in the present, like playing in the snow, touching a leaf, playing with my puppy--something that is VERY present. This will get you out of the past.

3) Deal with it. For example, I feel hurt and angry (which is kind of all swirled-up and painful feeling inside), so I take a moment and do or say nothing until I figure out WHAT the problem is and WHAT I need to say (if anything.) I try to use a format like "When you...I think...I feel...so I'd like to request..." Today I used this very technique with my son: "When you blow off our plans to go spend the weekend with your dad, I think "its so unfair!", and I feel abandoned and hurt and unimportant, so I'd like to request that we spend some time tonight hanging out and talking a little." When you can narrow down the problem to about one sentence, and what you need to one sentence, then you have it figured out.

4) DECIDE to forgive. Like love, forgiveness is a decision that we can make daily. Make a decision in your head to forgive, and then give it to God and LET IT GO.

Now, Yvette, these are some tools that can help you deal with this, but here are a few other thoughts:

Remember that the resentment and hurt are YOURS, not his. Take responsibility and be courageous enough to face yourself, okay?

Next, give him the opportunity to be there for you. When you keep these feelings to yourself and pretend you don't feel them and hide them from him, what you're basically saying is that you don't believe he can support you and encourage you. Please do not pass by this opportunity to let him encourage you. Have some faith in him that he will understand and respond gently. Now I'm not advocating, "You cheated on me you liar! You hurt me!" (HUGE LB)--but rather "I am struggling with some resentment. I thought I had forgiven you, but I guess if I was honest, I still feel pretty hurt."

Don't hold it over his head forever. This isn't something that can be overcome quickly, but if you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and the light is getting closer, let him see the light with you. He will appreciate knowing that one day it will be forgiven...maybe just occassional flare-ups now and then on the way.

The best thing I've done to nurture a forgiving attitude is to look at my exH through God's eyes. My exH may have hurt me, but he is still a precious child of God, whom God longs to have a relationship with. No matter what my exH did, he has been redeemed at an awful price, and He is already the righteousness of Christ if he would only accept it. He is beloved of God--valuable enough that God would sacrifice to make a Way for him. So...if this is who my exH is in God's eyes, then who am I to look at him as anything else? He is dearly beloved, the apple of God's eye, the valuable son worth dying for...and I really can do nothing less than forgive him.

Yep, Yvette, your hubby is the dearly beloved joy of God's heart--worth suffering for, worth waiting for, worth dying for. He is valuable beyond description. Let's face it...when we have a flashback, it's our issue, not theirs.


CJ

Thanks for posting this, Faithful. This is exactly what I needed to hear! This post has so much insight - I need to respond to every part of it, but I don't have time right now. Check back later cause I need to tell you what I've learned & what I have been doing up until this point. Thanks for your wise words!!! That's why we love ya!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Faithfulwife,

Your advice is so wise that I almost hate to insert anything. I will at least try to stay in the flow of your wisdom.

I have heard people say that they can forgive, but they can't forget. That's not really true! I know we will never forget totally, but how we deal with those thoughts is critical. The pointers you gave were excellent. I just wanted to expound on a few things, more so to just add my flavoring. Forgiveness is an act of the will. If we will be obedient and speak the words of forgiveness out of our own will, then God will help us with the emotions to make it real. Yes, we can say forgiving is a choice, but if we are a Christian, then it really isn't!!! And then we must put the memories in their proper perspective. We do have a memory and will remember a lot of things, good and bad. The key is that we deal with the bad memories properly. We must control them!!! As you said Faithful, those "thoughts" will pop up from time to time. You gave the perfect advice on how to deal with them. It's so important take control and diminish them to their proper place. Those thoughts are [at least should be], under the blood of Jesus. So when they do come up, we can quickly say, "No, thoughts, you are not going to torment me today. I control you, you do not control me. I have forgiven these things". This will only happen if we have TRULY forgiven! And I understand that sometimes this is very hard to do. But it will if we will LET it!!! John Hagee says that if we have one ounce of Jesus in us, we will forgive..... then we will forget. We need to get that deep into our spirit!!!

Yvette,

What I must compliment you on is your desire to "fix" things that need fixin!!! You want what God had planned for your marrriage all along. To see all your dreams come true! And well you should. In the name of Jesus, may they! You need to know that everyone here wants to see that happen for you as well!!! We all love you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless Yvette
sg

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: singleguy ]</small>

Okay Faithful, I am seeing if I'm hearing you correctly. Kind of like a mirroring exercise - here we go!

1)Acknowledge it's there, but don't dwell on it. For example, I may feel all hurt and angry, so I say to myself, "I feel hurt and angry right now and about 90% of that is a flashback." Don't pretend you don't feel that way, because then you're stuffing. I have to find the strength to do this. I have to keep telling myself, Self, stop dwelling on this. It happened. You survived, WE survived. It's time to move forward!

2) Recognize that it's a flashback, and do what I need to do to be in the present, not in the past. Sometimes, I need to be very tactile to be in the present, like playing in the snow, touching a leaf, playing with my puppy--something that is VERY present. This will get you out of the past. When I feel like this, I have to concentrate on the present. When I was feeling this way all day Saturday, the thing I should have been focusing on was what a good time my H & I were having AT THE MOMENT. Each day is a stepping stone and I must enjoy every minute of it!

3) Deal with it. For example, I feel hurt and angry (which is kind of all swirled-up and painful feeling inside), so I take a moment and do or say nothing until I figure out WHAT the problem is and WHAT I need to say (if anything.) I try to use a format like "When you...I think...I feel...so I'd like to request..." Today I used this very technique with my son: "When you blow off our plans to go spend the weekend with your dad, I think "its so unfair!", and I feel abandoned and hurt and unimportant, so I'd like to request that we spend some time tonight hanging out and talking a little." When you can narrow down the problem to about one sentence, and what you need to one sentence, then you have it figured out. "When you say things like, You have to trust me, I think, I DID trust you, especially when you told me you loved me, and I feel very angry that you lied to me, so I'd like you to say things like, I will try to do whatever it takes for you to trust me again." How's that??

4) DECIDE to forgive. Like love, forgiveness is a decision that we can make daily. Make a decision in your head to forgive, and then give it to God and LET IT GO. Each time I feel this way, I must tell myself, I have already forgiven him for this, it's time to move on to the future. Put the past behind me.

Remember that the resentment and hurt are YOURS, not his. Take responsibility and be courageous enough to face yourself, okay? I know this. I have to stop blaming him, playing the blame game. I must take responsibility for my own thoughts & feelings and quit blaming him for them.

Next, give him the opportunity to be there for you. When you keep these feelings to yourself and pretend you don't feel them and hide them from him, what you're basically saying is that you don't believe he can support you and encourage you. Please do not pass by this opportunity to let him encourage you. Have some faith in him that he will understand and respond gently. Now I'm not advocating, "You cheated on me you liar! You hurt me!" (HUGE LB)--but rather "I am struggling with some resentment. I thought I had forgiven you, but I guess if I was honest, I still feel pretty hurt." This is what he tried to do Saturday night. I kept these feelings to myself all day and when he finally wanted to know, pushed to know what I was feeling, he didn't know what to say to comfort me, but instead, he offered hope for the future and a committment that he would try his best to make this M something special. I have to admire him for that instead of condemn him for what has happened.

Don't hold it over his head forever. I have a tendency to do this, so this is something I MUST work on, most definitely.

your hubby is the dearly beloved joy of God's heart--worth suffering for, worth waiting for, worth dying for. He is valuable beyond description. I know this all too well. He is one of God's most precious gifts and I love him just as he is, as God loves him. He is special.

Single,
Thanks so much for the compliment. I accept it graciously and humbly. I'm just trying to move forward as pain-free as possible, learning while I'm doing it.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. On the good side, pool table was delivered & installed & we're on the way to enjoying some relaxful times, RC times together in our own home. This is going to be fun! Anyone want to join a "pool" party???

My son's youth group is going to a lock-in/famine tonight at another church from 11 pm to 5 am. Could you lift these kids up in prayer so they have a blessed evening and get a glimpse of what it really means to live hungry for 30 hours? Thanks.

Lord,

Please bless these children this evening coming to fellowship in Your name. Allow them to enjoy themselves with the games, commune with one another, enjoying the environment that You created for them. May they also learn what it means to be one of the poor in spirit, to be one of the hungry, longing for You to fill their bellies instead of food. May they have an uplifting experience, an eye-opening experience as they draw closer to You these next hours. Please bring every child home safe & sound tomorrow, sharing what they have learned with others around them. All this I ask in Jesus' name, Amen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingTogether:
<strong> CJ: 1)Acknowledge it's there, but don't dwell on it. YVETTE: I have to find the strength to do this. I have to keep telling myself, Self, stop dwelling on this. It happened. You survived, WE survived. It's time to move forward!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm...Kind of. Yvette, this is a fine line and it's hard to put it into words. If you actually feel shook up or flashback, it is healthy to say to yourself or your H, "I feel shook up because of a trigger thing, but I realize that's what it is and I'm the one who needs to deal with it." See, if you tell yourself to just stop it without some acknowledgement that it's there, it would be like stuffing it--and then it will explode out! OTOH, if you recognize your feelings and deal with them appropriately, then it's pretty healthy for you and for him--it's honest and open.

Here's a good tool for this: "When...I think...I feel...so..." When I smelled the perfume that the OW used to wear, I thought "OMG she's still in his life!" and I felt sick to my stomach and panicked and betrayed all over again, so to help me calm down and get back to the present could you please hug me for a minute and tell me you pick me over her??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>CJ: 2) Recognize that it's a flashback, and do what I need to do to be in the present... Sometimes, I need to be very tactile to be in the present...This will get you out of the past. YVETTE: When I feel like this, I have to concentrate on the present. When I was feeling this way all day Saturday, the thing I should have been focusing on was what a good time my H & I were having AT THE MOMENT. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once again, kind of yes. When you were feeling all "in the past" on that Saturday, there isn't really a Should that you Should have been doing. It's just that if you recognize your feeling as a flashback, find what helps bring you into the present and do that thing.

You know, Yvette, people's bodies can be here in the present, but if your mind is constantly dwelling on the past and kind of living and reliving the past, then you are not in the present! For me, one of the things that helps me calm down from a flashback is being very aware of my senses in the present. For example, I play with my puppy and concentrate on the senses of that: how cute and funny he looks, how "doggy" he smells, the way he sounds with his yips and barks, how his tongue feels when he licks me...and this gets me out of the past and into the present.

Just recently I had a chance to practice this. My son and I had plans, and at the last minute he called me to blow off our plans so he could go with his dad to Hooters. Now, I flipped out because Hooters is a sportsbar place with girls with theit hooters hanging out, and my exH used to go there to flirt with OW while we were married. I immediately went into a downward spiral of "All you're going to do is oogle women and be taught to be a sex addict, and looking at women as sex objects leads to destroying lives, and..." About there, I stopped. My son was not destroying lives. My whole feeling was a reaction to the past that probably wasn't quite healed--okay isn't quite healed! Anyway, I got out of the past, realized I was hurt about being blown off, and then had a mildly good talk with him about the topic: women as sex objects. It was good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> CJ:3) Deal with it. For example, I feel hurt and angry ...so I take a moment and do or say nothing until I figure out WHAT the problem is and WHAT I need to say...YVETTE: "When you say things like, You have to trust me, I think, I DID trust you, especially when you told me you loved me, and I feel very angry that you lied to me, so I'd like you to say things like, I will try to do whatever it takes for you to trust me again." How's that?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good. I like it. It is honest and it stuck to the WTFS format (When--Think--Feel--So). Want to try another one??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>CJ:4) DECIDE to forgive. Like love, forgiveness is a decision that we can make daily. Make a decision in your head to forgive, and then give it to God and LET IT GO. YVETTE: Each time I feel this way, I must tell myself, I have already forgiven him for this, it's time to move on to the future. Put the past behind me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm...not quite. This is not so much a "I must" as making a choice in your head...in yourself to be a forgiving person and let it go. Let's be honest, Yvette, when you feel this way and you're angry because he betrayed you, it's not going to work to tell yourself "I already forgave him for this--put it behind me." It's more like when you feel the feeling starting to come on, you hit a fork in the road. To one side is the "let it go" choice and to the other side is the "relive it" choice. You get to decide. See, lovely, he may be forgiven, but he still has to live with the consequences of his betrayal, and one of the consequences is that you struggle with fear. But do you know how, every day, you can make the decision to love him or harden your heart? Yep, forgiveness is the same way. You can let it go and say "he made a mistake and I'm going to just get past this one" or you can say "he made a mistake and I'm going to relive it and reopen the wound." Frankly, my exH did me wrong in many major ways, and you know what? I forgave him. Did I forget? NO. Do I have feelings and fears and repercussions from what I went through? YES. But I don't want to be a person who holds a grudge forever, so I'm just not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> CJ: Remember that the resentment and hurt are YOURS, not his. Take responsibility and be courageous enough to face yourself, okay? YVETTE: I know this. I have to stop blaming him, playing the blame game. I must take responsibility for my own thoughts & feelings and quit blaming him for them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, then--good job. I leave this between you and your hubby and God. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> CJ:]Next, give him the opportunity to be there for you. ...Please do not pass by this opportunity to let him encourage you. Have some faith in him ... YVETTE: This is what he tried to do Saturday night. I kept these feelings to myself all day and when he finally wanted to know... he didn't know what to say to comfort me, but instead, he offered hope for the future and a committment that he would try his best to make this M something special. I have to admire him for that instead of condemn him for what has happened. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep. Remember that guys very rarely know what to say to comfort us, even though they want to very much. Let him off the hook and either TELL him what to say or show him what to do or something. Also, you pointed out yourself that you were stuck in a flashback from the past, and he did try to bring you into the present (he was there WITH YOU) and your future together. Yvette, since he has never been a BS he may never understand how you feel, but if he's that kind of guy, give him the positive faith in him that he can be there for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> CJ: Don't hold it over his head forever.YVETTE: I have a tendency to do this, so this is something I MUST work on, most definitely. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, this is something you'll have to work on, but cut yourself a little slack too. You're doing a good job and you are willing to forgive him, so that's very positive.


CJ

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> See, if you tell yourself to just stop it without some acknowledgement that it's there, it would be like stuffing it--and then it will explode out! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this is exactly what I have been & still are doing. I just like to put it out of my mind and then when I can't take it anymore, I explode! This was a serious problem for my H. He specifically stated that he will no longer tolerate it this time around. Usually because all of my anger/hurt/frustration, whatever, was directed toward him without me meaning to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good. I like it. It is honest and it stuck to the WTFS format (When--Think--Feel--So). Want to try another one??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you do not feel guilty about the A you had, I think that I really didn't mean that much to you, that God doesn't mean anything to you, and this makes me feel very sad. So I ask that you pray about this & ask God to show you why you don't feel remorse. Maybe He can show you something that you've been missing.

I know, I know, I probably messed that all up, didn't I? It takes a while to get used to this!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But do you know how, every day, you can make the decision to love him or harden your heart? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I make the decision to continue to love him, regardless of what he's done or said. I refuse to let my heart be hardened because of his actions/words. He's not going to turn me into an angry, bitter woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You're doing a good job and you are willing to forgive him, so that's very positive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PHEW!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I keep thinking that I'm the one who's not going to allow restoration to happen with something I might say or do to cause him to walk out the door again! I feel like I have to be on guard all the time instead of letting myself be free.

One thing I have taken notice of -- Paul was so right when he said that for married couples it's harder to concentrate on God because now that he's home, I find myself wanting to be with him instead of being in the Word or being at a church function (he's not ready to go back to church quite yet). When he wasn't around, I was in the Word every day and praying all the time. Now, that's slacking! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm going to have to discipline myself to be in the Word daily and I do pray before I go to bed (he's still up watching tv after work). Of course, I have the time while he's at work at night DUH! What is wrong with me? Why can't I discipline myself to just do it like I was??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yvette,
As Faithful said, "Cut yourself some slack." I can smell the wood burning from here from all the thoughts going through your mind in overdrive. Be present with him (your H) and find those moments to be present with Him (your Lord and Savior). God sees what is in the heart and "knows" your intentions. If you slip up, He knows if it was sintentional or not (typo, but I think it is appropriate - sintentional).

Right now I am beating myself up, horrific day, because I have been saying a prayer, "Jesus, I trust in You." everyday at 3:00 pm - "My Jesus, I trust in You. Please draw Marie to Yourself, so she will believe and be saved." I was taught that if you say that prayer everyday at 3:00 pm (when Christ died) for a month, your prayer would be answered (it has worked in the past). I went 18 days, and today I was miserable in the car on the way home from work, and I forgot to say it untlil 3:10 pm. I think I have to start all over again. This is my maticulous, analytical (where are you sg? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) thinking.

Thanks ST. By speaking this to you, I think God knows what was in my heart, and that I wanted to say this at 3:00 pm. But, at the same time, my thoughts weren't on saying this prayer beacuse I was too jealous (envy and covetedness) at my supervisor for all the attention he got at work while my accomplishments go unrecognized.

See, I'm being analytical again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep up the God work, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ,
ttsmm

Help! I really feel an attack from Satan coming on! I am very anxious and started a fight with H last night! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I told him he shouldn't be there if he didn't love me, and he was going to pack his bags! Please Lord, don't let me blow this! Please Lord, give me the proper words to speak, walking in your way, allowing you to lead me onward! Rebuke and bind Satan in the name of the blood of Jesus Christ! Please Lord, descend your H.S. upon me & let me be of a gentle & quiet spirit, slow to speak & quick to listen! Please help me to remember to pray first before I open my mouth! When I'm feeling anxious and scared of the future, please help me to remember to trust in You for You make all things new. As long as I trust in You Lord, You will guide me every step of the way. Thank you Lord for being so patient with me. Thank you Lord for showing me what I needed to see in order to become the person I was created to be. Thank you Lord for being on my side every day, showering me with your love & affection, showing me I'm special & loved by You. Thank you Lord. Amen.

Yvette, Dear Sister,
Continue to pray for God's guidance and to bind Satan from your heart and mind. There is so much promise here. I don't have any words for you but these. This is from "The Power of Praying Husband" Chapter 1 - Her Husband.

Give me words that heal, not wound. Fill my heart with Your love so that what overflows through my speech will be words that build up, not tear down.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Peace, and God's Guidance and Will,
ttsmm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Give me words that heal, not wound. Fill my heart with Your love so that what overflows through my speech will be words that build up, not tear down.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I'm trying to do. I guess I was a lot more angry and hurt than I realized. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Thanks Trying.

Okay guys,

We've hit a snag. Seems some of my family is not too happy that we have reconciled. I guess in their minds I should have moved on with my life and he wasn't deserving of being forgiven. Well, what about MY flaws? Doesn't seem they think about that. What about the things I did to cause the marriage to sour? I know it's hard to see when one of your family members makes a mistake, but this M was 50/50 and I did cause part of this breakup. Why can't they just be happy for us? My mom and dad stayed together for 27 years until he passed away (God rest his soul) and my mother's very proud of that, but their relationship was VERY rocky. They weren't even on speaking terms the last couple of years before he died. How can she honestly look at my H & judge him? He is willing to try to make this M work, something my father refused to do. He would rather have had it that they not speak. What worked for them doesn't necessarily work for me! My sister is also placing a lot of criticism on my H because she never did those things to her partner. Well, doesn't everyone have their own issues that they need to deal with? Doesn't everyone have their own sins to be forgiven for? Why is everyone so quick to judge someone else but can't "remove the plank from their own eye"? She isn't a saint, by all means. No one is.

I just don't want to create tension when we have family gatherings. I feel like just moving away with my H & my kids and starting over somewhere else, just us. I mean, family means the world to me, but I don't know if I can handle them treating him with disrespect when they're in his presence or any other time for that matter. This is the man I married, the man I love, and I want people's support that we're trying to gain back the love we once had, not criticism. I have had to endure a lot during this whole mess; I don't need their criticism on top of it.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If I'm missing something, please show me, somebody!

Standing,
Bravo on your feelings towards your family.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My sister is also placing a lot of criticism on my H because she never did those things to her partner. Well, doesn't everyone have their own issues that they need to deal with? Doesn't everyone have their own sins to be forgiven for? Why is everyone so quick to judge someone else but can't "remove the plank from their own eye"? She isn't a saint, by all means. No one is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is your life, your marriage, your choice. Remember Genesis 2:24 "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body"
You get to choose your mate, not your family (or your in-laws).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, what about MY flaws? Doesn't seem they think about that. What about the things I did to cause the marriage to sour? I know it's hard to see when one of your family members makes a mistake, but this M was 50/50 and I did cause part of this breakup.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good, you are taking responsibility for your actions/in-actions within the marriage. You have done this in previous postings, I know, it's just good to see that the pressure of family and trying to reconcile is not changing your convictions.

Keep up your prayers as you are in mine.
God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingTogether:
<strong> Okay guys,

We've hit a snag. Seems some of my family is not too happy that we have reconciled. I guess in their minds I should have moved on with my life and he wasn't deserving of being forgiven. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yvette, I just wanted you to know, as a mom, that this may not be the case. My son went with a girl for about 2 years +/- and about 1 yr. 3mo. into their relationship, she went out with another guy and broke up with my son. Now, I held her no specific malice, nor did I think she didn't deserve to be forgiven...but when he got back together with her, I was angry. I got together with her and spoke to her about it directly, too.

I was angry at her, not because she and my son got back together--he clearly loved her and was very happy to reunite with her. Nope, I was angry with her because she hurt my son. When they broke up, I was the one who saw him fall apart and dried his tears. I was angry with her that she could treat him like that when he was so valuable to me. I was afraid he would allow himself to be treated poorly just to keep her.

Also, having been through several affairs and lots of abuse, I know what it's like to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, and I did not want that for my child! I had hoped he would find the strength to wait for a healthy, mutually loving and beneficial relationship. You mom may have chosen to stay in her marriage even though it was rocky and hurt her every day, but I bet she hoped for better for you!

So, lovely, if your family members feel angry with him, that's how they feel. They may very well be afraid you are going to be hurt again. Maybe they've seen a pattern you haven't yet...I don't know. But it's conceivable they are looking out for your best interests, even if it is in a way that is not too spiritually mature. Thank God that you have a family that cares if you are hurt. That is a WONDEROUS gift.


CJ

I'm trying to understand this, CJ. I know they must have felt very hurt when my H left too because out of me & my sisters, and even his brothers, we were the only ones to have been married for that long. His twin brother got divorced after a year, his older brother was divorced after 10 years, and my older sister got divorced after 3 years. My younger sister has never been married although she is in a committed relationship for 2 years. I guess I didn't realize how strong they were for one, because they must have been to put their feelings aside at the moment and be there to comfort me in my time of need when all this was taking place.

For two, I admire them for voicing their concerns. They do love me very much, like you said and I guess I have to realize that they are doing this out of love for me. But, what gets me is the fact that they supposedly love my H as well. My mother would pray daily for him to return and now he has, and I guess all the hurt is catching up to her as well. My younger sister & him used to be best friends and now she believes he's changed into a person she never knew & she's having a hard time forgiving him for everything that's happened. I pray that relationship is healed quickly. I hate to see a friendship of 10 years fade away because of people's errors.

My older sister has not been treating him differently. She is concerned, mostly about the kids, and thinks I'm walking back into this blinded by "love". She has extended the hand of Christian love toward him and for that, I am very thankful to her. I am very thankful to all of my family members for loving me that much that they're so concerned. Like I said, we are very close, and I just don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. I lost my H once, I don't want to lose the rest of my family now because I'm trying to make my M work.

I guess I just didn't realize how very hurt everyone was, still is, and I have to come to the realization (which I am) that EVERYONE needs to time to heal from this and get back to a "normal" life, not just me, my H & the kids.

Thanks CJ for opening my eyes a little further to see their hurt, not just my own. They are Christians like me so I know, with God's help, and a lot of prayer, that things will get better between all of us. I just need to have faith.

Yvette,
I don't remember the exact quote, or who said it, so I may be WAY off. "A divorce affects more than 63 people." That's amazing and sad. Keep up the good work on restoring your marriage, on letting Him restore your marriage.

God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

Yvette,

Speaking purely for myself here, I can remember feeling EXTREMELY hurt when my exH's family just abandoned me when we separated. At the time, I honestly loved them--in fact, I was closer to my mother-in-law than my own mother! I was their daughter for fourteen years, and suddenly they didn't care one bit about me. They also sure as heck did not stand up to my exH and tell him that he was wrong!

I couldn't believe it!! How could they not tell him that having an affair was wrong?? How could they not tell him that he had responsibilities and to grow up and get back to his family?? I was his faithful wife for fourteen years, and I truly loved their son, and they never once stood up for me...why?

Well, being a mom, I understand a little better now. I can honestly say that if my son or daughter were to have an affair, I would DEFINITELY tell them to stop immediately and go home to their family. No, I would not support them in their affair--nor would I "accept" the lover. NO WAY!

BUT...having been through my son's breakup with his girlfriend of two years, I can say that as a mom it kills ya to see your own child hurt and hurting. It builds a lot of resentment when the person your child loves cheats on them and devastates them. It's like watching someone who love die without the mercy of dying at the end--it just goes on and on and on.

So, I'm with you. Don't get angry at your family for being apprehensive for you. They are afraid he will do it again and you will be devastated again. They aren't sure if they can live through it again. They are concerned that you are looking through "hopeful" glasses rather than seeing the reality. And you're right--they need to heal just as much as you do. Each one of them is recovering from this in their own way, and for each one of them, he will need to rebuild some of the love and trust that they had together.

When my son and his girlfriend re-united, I spoke to her directly about it, remember?? She let me be angry with her and we worked it out. As more time went by, and she was being a good girlfriend to my son, I gradually grew to love her again and started to trust her again. I'm sure you mom and sisters loved your H and were very hurt (on your behalf) by what happened--but given some time and some behavior on his part that shows he's choosing you and not going anywhere--they'll start to feel safe loving him again. Give 'em some time!!

HUGS!!!!


CJ

Praises to update this morning! My H finally said the words I've been longing to hear for 6 months. I love you. I asked him if he was sure he meant it and he responded that he knew he loved me when he was missing me at work and couldn't wait to get home that night to see me! PTL!

One thing we're trying to figure out. Our MC suggested that we do something big as a celebration of our new beginning together as new people. We're stuck for ideas. We were thinking of renewing our vows, our own this time, but then we thought the way the family is reacting right now, that probably would not be best. Of course, we could do it by ourselves, but I think we'll save that for our 25th anniversary like we wanted to do from the beginning. Does anyone have a suggestion? We got a new puppy, and he got a new car, but we need to do something together to signify the changes that we both have made.

I've also been contemplating posting for a while. It seems that I have praises to sing all the time right now and I read these posts that are so filled with pain and I rethink that. I believe it is my duty now to give back to this board everything you've given to me and that was lots of love and encouragement. I hear all of your turmoil and I see that these marriages are not restored yet and I wonder why me? Why was I one of the lucky ones? Why was I so blessed? I don't have an answer and then I feel like I'm bragging when I say what good things are happening in my M. I want to apologize to everyone if it seems at any time that I'm....what's the word? Gloating?? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I hope not!!!! I truly am not. I feel so very blessed to having "met" all of you and I just want to reach out to every one of you and give you the biggest cyber {{{{hugs}}}}. I just know that God has such big plans for every single one of you. And Faithful, I applaud you on your efforts to help those restore their Ms and THEMSELVES even when you're hurting in your own life. It seems that you've been through quite an ordeal from the posts you have made and I want to give you lots of hugs {{{{{{CJ}}}}}}} and a very big THANK YOU for keeping me focused on my God and my real purpose.

God bless you all today and forevermore!!!!

I agree with your MC to do something to commemorate your newness together. Here are quite a few brainstorm ideas to get you two thinking--pick one you like and modify it to fit you:

1) Buy eternity bands and give them to each other privately--you will know what they mean.

2) Plan a tree with a small ceremony--preferably a tree that will take YEARS to grow, so that your tree can be a living testament in your front yard of years of growth and dependability and life.

3) Plan a ceremony with your kids/family/friends who want to commemmorate--include things that mean something to you, like burning love letters that should be burned and using the ashes to plant a bleeding heart bush.

4) Get each other family necklaces or Best Friend necklaces or other family jewelry that you can use as symbols that work for you.

5) Take a mini-honeymoon, like newlyweds who need a little private time to get their new lives going together.

6) Go to the justice of the peace--just you two--and elope!

7) Write promises to each other...not big, grandiose vows, but promises of how you are willing to meet each other's needs, invest your time and energy, and avoid hurtful habits.

8) Make a new family tradition that you celebrate on the day he came back home--kinda like a birthday, with a cake, a fancy dinner, and sexy adult presents!

9)Create a new holiday or a new tradition, like "every Sunday is OUR day" or "the 6th of each month is Goofy Presents day".

10) Select a new hobby that you BOTH have always wanted to learn and never took the time to do--and choose to do it now. Want to learn how to water ski? Skeet shoot? Go to car shows or dog shows? Bowling? Golf? Square Dancing? Now is the time to invest some of your money in you two as a couple.


I think that will get your creative juices flowing. Have fun!!


CJ

These are some great ideas Faithful. Thanks! I'm going to mention them to him tonight. Hope he goes for something along those lines! I kind of like the idea of eloping - so mysterious and impulsive (just the way he likes to be!). I've always been somewhat of an "uptight" person. I'm trying to learn how to be more carefree and fun. One thing my H told me was that I was very boring (I'm sure he meant that in a "lovable" way YEAH RIGHT!) so I'm trying to loosen up a bit. I think that might be the reason everyone's getting their panties in an uproar - because I'm not being the "predictable" Yvette and they don't quite know how to take that. I've always done "what is expected" of me, even when that goes against something I really enjoy. I've never wanted anyone "mad" at me for making what they view as the wrong decision. In the process, I've been living my life for everyone else and not ENJOYING my life. Sometimes I just want be reckless, nothing disastrous, just a little nutty. But of course, this would go against my "character" and others around me would look down upon it. Then I feel totally guilty. One thing I have made a decision on, and that's not to let other people sway me into their way of thinking. This time around, I'm going to enjoy my life and not really worry about what anyone else thinks. I mean, as long as I'm not hurting anyone, what does it matter? I'm tired of being people's doormat and I want to let people know that I'm making the right choices for ME. The only person I have to please in this world is God and God only, not my mom, my sisters, or my friends. I know I may sound a little peteeved(?) but I'm tired of being told what to do and how to do it. NO MORE!!!