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#346128 04/28/04 09:22 PM
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Shul,

Fellow sister in Christ, after reviewing your post, I wanted to encourage you a little bit because it seems like you are so lost, confused & scared. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am so sorry that you have to be here & that you are facing this. Just know that God is there to comfort you when you feel your darkest & rub your head in his soothing hands.

If your H called you, even if it was to discuss another family, this is good news. It shows that he wants to be friends with you. My H would do this too. He would call just to say hi, but never ask how all of us were. Granted, he did see his children regularly, without me around. He did not want to face me because he didn't want to see the hurt look in my eyes. He didn't want to see the look on my face when he would drive away. Even though he told me that he didn't love me, he cared what happened to me & he never meant to hurt me in all of it. He was not happy with himself for the way it all happened & felt quite ashamed that he would stoop to having someone on the side & lie to me continually. It was like he was another person. When MB talks about the fog, that's exactly what it is. My H doesn't remember half of the things he said to me, the things he did while he was away. It is like it was all one big blur.

He did know that through all of it, he wanted to remain friends. This hurt me very deeply because I thought that I had meant so much more to him than "just a friend". But what I came to realize is that God was giving us a chance to become friends because we never were friends before we married. We just got married & then, boom, we had kids. We never had a chance to be ourselves. While he was away, we each developed a sense of identity & now that will never go away.

What I'm trying to tell you is -- even though you don't hear from him as much as you wish, believe me, there is a reason for it. God is using this time to change you. He needs to change both of you, because face it, if he were to come home tomorrow, would things be better? Or would they just remain the same & you two end up in the same boat you have been in? I can probably guarantee that you both would slide back in to your "old ways".

What I realized is that the whole time my H was away, I didn't know this until he came back & told me later, he would cry that he didn't get to see his kids like he wanted to. Even though he passed up opportunities to spend the days with them when they would have off school. He opted to go to the OWs house instead. But he wasn't thinking rationally. He wasn't thinking clearly. He was misguided. He wasn't letting God lead him. So expect your H to do some pretty odd things right now. He is not himself. He has not developed into the person that God wants him to be right now. He is still finding out who he is. Let God continue to work on him, being there to listen when he needs a friend, praying for him (I recommend The Power of a Praying Wife-this helped me know "how" to pray for my H). Let God continue to work on YOU. And on those chance encounters with your H, use that as a time to show God how you're developing by practicing what He's shown you. Quietness, gentleness, peacefulness, and especially love.

And just so you know, the major turning point for us was when I had told my H that I could not be "close friends" with him at that particular moment in my life. I needed some space to heal without him around (mind you, I discussed it with him, but left it up to him to give the final word on it -- trying to submit to him). The thought of not being able to speak to me, not coming in the house to hang out, not chatting till all hours on the phone like friends do, really got to him. He thought he was going to lose me as a friend forever & that scared him. He started to give my "new" personality a chance & he liked what he saw. He eventually wanted to spend more time with us, with me. I guess like they say, you always want something you can't have. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, I don't know what else to say so I'll end this here, but please know that I continue to pray for you & your family. You were in my thoughts today. Hope things went a little better for you today.

God's blessings upon you!!!

#346129 04/29/04 07:03 AM
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Shul,
I hope you will take the time to "listen" to what Yvette is trying to tell you, and I urge you to read between the lines. The Holy Spirit speaks thru this gal! Yvette has "been there, done that", so she knows from experience what she is talking about. Her advice is wise, but her heart is huge. And the better you get to know her, the more you like her! I can atest to that!!!

One thing that Yvette said is that absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. And the longer you don't see someone, the more you begin to wonder what is going on with them. If there is one ounce of love in us for that person, they will occupy a certain amount of our thoughts. Also too many people go into marriage expecting happiness, and not giving it. Oh, we think we give, but we are really takers. If we would take a strong stable person full of happiness into our marriages, we would have a lot less divorces. Too many people go into marriage to find happiness. It doesn't work that way. And Yvette's comment about being friends is so important. They say good friends make the best lovers. And good intimacy, sexual, or not, starts in the heart, goes to the mind, and then stimulates the body. I think the thing is about friendship is that friends learn to walk together! The bible says that: how can two walk together, unless they be agreed! That statement probably applies to marriage more so than it does to anything else.

So I urge you to become the person "God" wants you to be, and not who you "want" to be. Start focusing on being a good friend when you see your hubby. Don't manipulate, and don't force things. And above all else, don't compromise. Let God work on his heart, and yours!

God Bless You Shul!!!
sg

#346130 04/29/04 10:44 AM
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Okay, it's my turn for a prayer. Please pray that my H will forgive me for my actions two nights ago. I had accused him of seeing someone again after discovering some suspicious phone calls. Turns out, it wasn't him, but the children. I have asked him for forgiveness, but I really need to work on trying to trust him again. Please pray that he is receptive to my efforts & is patient with me. I was very afraid he would pack his bags after that conversation. There was major LBing on both sides & the conversation got really heated. Lord, please help me to remember to "agree with my adversary quickly" and to be of a "gentle & quiet spirit". Please don't let all our efforts go down the drain now! We've both been trying so hard! Thanks for your prayers.

#346131 04/29/04 11:14 PM
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My husband called me last night to discuss child custody of our son. He is getting the ball rolling on the divorce papers. I told him to do what he wants and that I will not fight him. He called me this morning asking for my work adress and phone number. I called him back and left him a voice mail message with the information. I've made so many mistakes, but I know God is working on me.

I pray to You God that You continue to work on both of us. Though I do not hear from him often, I pray that you fill me with the Holy Spirit when I do speak to him. Allow me to be a "quiet and gentle spirit." When he asks me how I am doing, allow me to answer how You want me to. Help me to avoid temptation and to follow Your will. The temptation has been great, but I know what You want from me.

Amen

#346132 04/29/04 11:48 PM
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Thank you Yvette, for your encouragement and understanding.

This is not the first time my husband has left,( disappeared, rather) , he has been gone for months at a time, working, or just gone. In the 18 years of our marriage, I have been alone more than we have been together.

He was calling every day for a while, a few weeks ago, and talking about how happy he is to be working again, and how he was going to pay bills adn such- but I have heard those promises before, and nothing came of it. He would turn up at some point, broke, after I had scraped for months trying to catch up on the bills he left.

But this is different, now. I am working enough to support myself and my daughter, barely, even paying a few debts with Gods help, and it is better this way.

I wish he would help, but I am not asking him for anything.

I wish he would ask about our daughter, but in the past 8 months, he has seen her about 5 times, and he never asks about her, ( I mean, not a single time). At Christmas he told her she was a spoiled brat. She is so disturbed , and hurt and rejected, that I fear for her sanity.
I am at a point where I don't really know if I even want him in our lives. Maybe it is better to have nothing to do with him and just be the two of us, let her have some peace. She is having surgery in two weeks, and I want her to feel safe, and happy. Right now she is scared, and alone, and she needs me. I am working long hours, and she is with me at work, but I am often preoccupied, and can't attend to her.

He talked about coming out this weekend to do some work on the house, but he said he might have to work, he doesn't know.

To be honest I don't know if I want to see him. He is so cold to us sometimes, that it would be better not to be with him.

I am getting my first weekend off in 6 months, and I plan to go home and try to get the water pump hooked up, and do some repairs so that the house is liveable for when I can get away from work, and so that it doesn't fall down. Me and Jesus are going to do some carpentry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am going to spend some time with my daughter, give her my undivided attention.

If husband shows up and helps, great! If he doesn't, its his loss.

If he comes out and starts being miserable, I will just ask him to leave. I don't ever want any more fighting or namecalling, or violence in that house, or in front of my daughter, again.

I promised her.

I am not asking him to come, or to stay, or to do anything. I am praying that God will put it on his heart to have compassion for her, and I am leaving it with Him.

But maybe it is too late, he has done too much harm. I am not asking him to come back. I sense that we are under Gods protection and that things should stay as they are for now.

Pray for my daughter, for emotional healing. She is really a mess. I didn't realise how badly hurt she was until a few days ago.

Shul

#346133 04/30/04 03:24 PM
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My husband called again to get more information from me for the divorce. He called yesterday for my work adress and phone number. He then called today for my social security number and driver's lisence number. I am submitting to my husband and giving him all that asks for. I just need prayers to help me to continue to stand. I know the divorce will not go through. God does not want this for my family and I will continue to stand in the gap.

Lunadove

#346134 04/30/04 04:30 PM
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My Prayers are with you LunaDove (((((Luna))))))

Does he really need all that info to file?? My H never asked for any of that. Is it 'cause you have a son?

Be strong my friend. God WILL see us thru this.

H98

#346135 05/03/04 09:16 AM
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I went to the city yesterday and found my husband. He was with the woman.

We talked, he and I . I asked him point blank if he is sleeping with her and he said yes, they are having sex.

I asked to please call and talk to his daughter. I told him that we need help. He says he will call.

I don't know how to pray.

I think he has to hit rock bottom before he will wake up and see what he has lost.

#346136 05/03/04 10:59 AM
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Shul,
Pray a hedge of thorns around your husband and then one around the ow. Pray that they will lose interest in one another. Pray for strenght and pray for Him to help you forgive your H. I am praying for you. Continue to have strength in God and follow His will. I know what it feels like to have them tell you the truth.

Lunadove

#346137 05/03/04 06:44 PM
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Thank you Luna,

I prayed that when he sees her his penis will shrivel up, that he will feel sick to his stomach. that God will do something drastic to bring him to his senses, that he will realise exactly what he is doing, that he is throwing away his family, the only person in the world who loves him.

I prayed that he will repent of all his sins. That he will experience consequences for his actions and that God will discipline him.

I see my role as to love him only, as much as he will let me, and to wait, to carry my cross, to pray, to take care of my daughter the best I can.

I am praying Hosea, that God will put a hedge of thorns in his path and that he will not be able to contact her.

I prayed that God will do a work in her heart, bring her to repentance.

The problem is not her, it is him, his heart.

I have been praying for so many years that he will be in a place where he has to choose Gods way, that he will realise that his way isn't working, and that he will give up.

He has repented a few times,when something drastic happened, but he didn't grow becasue he doesn't trust anyone, he is afraid to trust God, in case God rejects him too.

I don't know what it will take. Maybe God has a plan. Maybe he has to lose everything, his home his wife, child, job, friends, everything before he will wake up.

If thats what it takes, so be it.

Meantime I am thinking about selling the house for what I can get, I asked God if He wants me to, to send someone with an offer, enough to pay the bills and start over.

My husband takes it for granted that I will always be there, forgiving him, wanting him. He only wants what he can't have. Maybe I should tell him he can't have me, and then he will want me. Thats what my boss thinks, anyway. He said "watch, he will come to you on his knees"

Luna, I pray a miracle tonight in your situation. A big separation between your husband and the woman. Father make a gulf between them.

#346138 05/03/04 10:20 PM
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Heavenly Father,

Please help me to see my husbnad with your eyes, adn to understand him.

Help me to remember that he is hurting very bad, and that he is acting in the only way he knows. Father, please heal him by your love form the pain adn fear of rejection, let him receive your love. Let me be to him a safe harbour, where he doens't need to fear being hurt or abandoned no matter what. Let him begin to trust that no matter hwat he is loved and that you will never reject him, or forsake him.

Help me to be patient, and to draw him ever so gently with love. Let him not see me as a threat, but know that I love him , and that I am for him.

Let him remember what I said the other day, and let it comfort him. Wherever he is right now, let him have a sense of security in your love and mine. Let him see the love you have for him in me, and know that it is You loving him through me.

Let me have opportunities to love him.

Let him be tired of eating garbage, being alone, being with ppl who don't care about him, who are just using him. And help him not to hate himself. Let him forgive himself. Let him see that he is very important to you and to me.
Draw him to you Father. Let him undestand that he is so important and valued by you that you suffered on the cross, to heal him, even the way he is now.

Heal him Lord, please.

#346139 05/04/04 10:49 PM
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I found out today that my husband has Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Father, thank you for showing me that he is disturbed and he can't help what he is doing. thank you for the workof healing you are going to do in his heart and mind. Thank you for loving him and never giving up, and not letting me give up.

Mold and guide me and make me pure so that you can use me to reach him. Help me to show him your faithfulness and that you will never leave him or forsake him , no matter what. Let him know this.

Thank you for all the ppl you have put in my life to help and to love me and my daughter today. Bless them Father. Esp Carol, and Sharon, and Samia.

Amen

#346140 05/06/04 02:04 PM
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I have a Prayer and Praise:

We (the kids and I) moved home with my parents a month ago, H told me to- and I waited until newborn was old enough (and I was recovered enough) and I packed up. So onto the report <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PRAISES: DS (almost 3yo) has been having a MUCH better time now that we are with "granny and pop-pop" - his behavior problems have lessened and he may acutally be completely potty trained before August...
I have had a WONDERFUL set of friends and family who have welcomed me home with open arms and as much help as I will take... YEAH!!

PRAYERS: I need a bunch-
I have been struggling with slight depression since I have been home- returning feeling like I am 17 again..
I haven't been able to find a job, there has been nothing I am qualified for that is in the area and pays enough AND
H has been refusing to pay support this month- he seems to think my parents will pick up all the money (they DO NOT make enough to support three additional people)
I am behind on all my bills, he didn't pay the car insurance- it was cancelled today (they have to keep both of us on the policy until he signs the Jeep over to me), etc...

I do pretty well on feeling like God is taking care of us- but about twice a day I PANIC about money, getting a job, being a parent to two kids, DD is only 14 weeks old, etc.. I still have deep sadness at times wanting H to wake up and come back, and even more sadness realizing how far away that day may be.

Thank you all for your prayers!!

#346141 05/07/04 10:39 AM
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Stareyn,
I live at home with my parents too. I can relate to feeling young again. My son loves living with my parents. Of course, they spoil him rotten. Anyway, it will get better. Last year at this time, I was still a mess dealing with my husband leaving me and shipping me off. Now, I know that God placed me here for a reason. I have family who support me and I have a wonderful job in my actual career field.

I praise God for allowing my son to get to know his grandparents and great-grandparents. I still want my husband back, but now I don't dwell on him. I am content living here and I thank God for sending me here.

Lunadove

#346142 05/10/04 07:28 PM
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Hi all,

A praise report!

My husband turned up on the weekend and was quite loving. He spent time with our daughter which went well, and did some repairs, and we talked a bit. He says he has quit drinking and he is trying to get it together.

He said he isn't with anyone else. I guess he is quits with the o/w. We were together, and it was good. No LB's.

#346143 05/10/04 09:23 PM
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PTL, Shul! I'm so happy things went well! Keep letting God take control of the situation. Good work!

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