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#347572 12/10/04 04:09 PM
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Shul,

If he is anything like me, it is possible that your H may have found himself in one of the following situations:

1) He didn't want to hurt you any more, and so he told you a minimal "truth" - obscuring some aspect of the complete story. When that aspect came out later, it would have appeared that he had lied (which in many ways he had) on the previous occasion.

2) He may have told you what he desperately *wanted* the truth to be. On one occasion, my W asked if we had a problem with our marriage. The honest answer would have been yes, but because I so wanted to believe that the A was over and I had no SA problems, I told her "no".

3) The truth, as he sees it now may have been different from what was perceived as the truth at the time. To take another example from my own stupidity, my W asked if the OW was better looking. Since she had seen a picture, I judged that a response of "no" would have been rejected as an outright lie. I responded with a comment indicating that certain physical aspects were better (how's that for stupid?!), but that my W as a whole was better. Looking back at it, the question was really asking about the whole person, in which case my W would always win out. Similarly, my W does not believe me when I say that I did not enjoy myself with the OW. At the time, I did. Looking back on it now, my actions sicken me so much I almost vomit at the thought. I certainly wouldn't say that is enjoyable.

Just a few thoughts for you to consider.
God Bless,
Richard

#347573 12/13/04 08:02 PM
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I think part of this is that he has been in the habit of lying to me all these years.

Most of his life he had someone monitering his every move, controling him- his mother, group homes , youth jail, adult prison etc.

So he felt like I was someone else controling him.

Its sad.

He did what ever he wanted all these years, left many times, spent money however he wanted- much more like a single person than a married man. No accountablility.

He resented it if I asked him about bills, or to go somewhere or anything- he missed out on so much. He sabotaged so many family meals xmas dinners and such. Things that are important to me because we don't have a big famly and I wanted to make things fun and solid for the kids.When he was a kid they would make him participate in family stuff, and he hated them. So it is his way of getting back I guess.

Same with the lying. He hated being asked to account for his time or having other people control him, so he lies or withholds stuff just out of resentment.

Big chip on his shoulder. Very secretive, very private. Even when he doesn't have to be.

If I ask about his day he thinks I am prying or suspicious or accusing him of doing something.

Last night I said something and he went silent and wouldn't speak to me the rest of the night. This morning I asked him what it was about and he said I was accusing him of stuff. He took everything I said and put a spin on it to make it look like I was being a total B***. Actually, I was just trying to make conversation.

He lied and covered up about the women for a long time. It was right under my nose, and I didn't know it for ages, because he is so good at lying.

What I don't get is why he is still lying and being secretive.

He talks freely to other people about all kinds of things that are none of their business, but with me he gets angry if I ask him what he did today!

Gee, I am not his mother, or his prison guard- I am not really even his wife anymore...I am more like a mistress- so there is nothing for him to hide from.

He is free to do whatever he wants. There have been no recriminations or expectations from me in a very long time.

I mostly just want us to get along for our daughters sake.

I see no reason for us to fight or disagree anymore.

Does this make sense?

#347574 12/16/04 06:26 PM
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Daughter is doing better today, which I am very thankful for.

Maybe that is all that matters anymore.

H I am not sure of.

We had words last night. I invited him to stay the night, and he said no, got upset, said that he has been here alot lately, and reminded me that I said I didn't want to live with him, sounding hurt.

What I actually said was that I have no plans to move in with him.

I think I need to be clear with him now that when he is ready to be married; monogamous, committed, responsible- then I will think about it. But since I live at my job, it is kind of moot unless he plans to move in here.
And if he can't handle being here a couple of days a week, why would he think that we would be able to live together?


I am praying about something else today: He hinted that he wants me to insure his vehicle in my name. But he is not legal to drive, and if he gets in an accident I could be liable.

Trouble is, he has been working on my car, and I have started depending on him again. Bad.

I won't do it anymore. I wonder if this is the real reason he has been coming around. I am frankly surprised that he didn't get the ow to do it. Maybe he asked her and she said no.

I am praying that he finds another way , without asking me. I don't want this to be contention between us, but it is one of the reasons I am better off without him- so that I am not obliged to take part in his schemes.

I am a bit angry that he would even consider asking me. This sort of thing was what ended us up destitute a year ago, and it is partly why I can't live with him.

I am asking Gods hand of protection on me and DD about this business.

#347575 12/17/04 10:11 AM
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Someone gave me an idea , a way to communicate with my H.

The idea is to write him a letter in a blank journal, and give it to him to read and respond and pass it back and forth.

I think this might be better than talking face to face. It will give us both time to think before we speak, and to hear each other.

No LB's in the heat of the moment etc.

This might be a good way to find out what each other is feeling , and to figure out where we were, where we are and where we are going.

I have started. I am praying that God will help me, and that he will be comfortable with this approach.

He called this am to say he is coming over in a bit, I think to work on my car.

#347576 12/22/04 11:56 PM
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I guess this is an update.

Maybe by writing things down I can start to make sense of them.

Things are so complicated right now.

First my car broke down. H tried to fix it, but it is worse than we thought. I have a loaner at the moment.

My employer owes me money for mileage, that I had deferred for this kind of eventuality, but now that I need it he is not being very forthcoming with it.

So I am depending on H to fix the car. Which he will.

Meantime, it is Xmas, and I am the hamper person, so today we were supposed to pick up the hampers. We were planning to use H's van for this. But the other day the axle broke on it. He got it out last night, and instead of calling me for a ride, he got to town some other way last night.
He called this morning to say he was in the city with the part, and had no way to get back except hitchhike. So I offered to pick him up. I drove all the way there and he wasn't where he said he would meet me. He had lied, and I waited an hour for him. I think he was with ow.

I was very tempted to leave.

He finally showed up, and when I went up to him, I said hello, and I looked at him in the eye, and said ' do not lie to me anymore".

He said, 'OK'.

So off we went back out here, I drove him home so he could fix the van. He called to say he was on his way a couple of hours later. But when he got here the thing was overheating badly. It conked out . He thinks it is serious.

So we couldn't get the hampers, and the only person I could find with a van was drunk [Roll Eyes]

I took him home a while ago. I am picking him up tomorrow morning and we are going to go with the car.

I didn't invite him to stay over night.

He is stuck without a vehicle in the bush now, and the weather is too cold to walk out to the hwy. He is trapped there, unless someone goes to get him. (Me or ow)

It seems like his golden calf is not working out. So he is depending on me and I am depending on him for the moment.

When I took him home, I thanked him for trying , and he thanked me for going to get him.

I also asked him if he needed to be 'in the city' (code for at ow's) on Xmas day or anything. He said no, that he told me he planned to spend it out here.

I wanted to come right now and ask him if things have gotten serious between them, but I didn't.

I don't think they have. I think if they were he would be living there with her.

I want a partner in my life. I am lonely right now. I am tired of sleeping alone. But it can't be him while he is with her.

Maybe I should not have helped him today. Maybe I should not have offered. He would have had to call her. Maybe I should not have asked him to help with the hampers, but it is something we have done together every year for several years, and I can't do it alone.

Maybe I am just making things worse, getting in Gods way, by letting him in my life.

I can't think straight.

Before, we were sleeping together, but the past week or so we are not even touching. He kissed me on the lips as he was getting out of the car, like a peck.

#347577 12/23/04 04:08 PM
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Today we got the hampers and delivered them. I took him home just now.

DD is having a party tonight; tobogganing and a movie. Half the kids canceled b/c it is so cold, (-39 c),but a few showed up.

I just want Xmas to be fun for her. I am trying to keep it together for her, but it is hard.

When I drove him home we were walking into the house and he jokingly said " hey ladies hurry up and get dressed!"

And he laughed and said to me "ok, its safe to come in now".

I didn't think it was funny. The other night when I went there, there was a strange car in the driveway, and I didn't know if he had a woman there. I knocked on the door before I went in. But I felt sick inside.

This is our home, that we built together from nothing. It has my things, our things.

I didn't laugh at his joke. Doesn't he know how much I am hurt by his infidelity?

#347578 12/28/04 10:06 PM
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We got through Xmas. It went pretty well considering.

Our daughter is doing better. H sacrificed to get her the things she wanted, even though his van broke down and he could have used the money for that.

We have talked a bit. About how I feel like crap when I compare myself to ow, and about where he is at spiritually.

He listened.

Oh, and he is quitting smoking pot.

#347579 01/03/05 12:34 PM
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Shul,

Glad to hear Christmas went O.K. and that your H is giving up pot. I must admit, I was a bit worried to hear that he was smoking it in the first place - especially thinking about what sort of effect that would have on your D.

My W also has a problem "comparing" herself with the OW (even though she never met her in person). I know that it is probably very difficult (if not impossible) for you to understand this, but it is very likely that you are harder on yourself when you do that than anyone else would be.

I think you should also know that (at least in my limited experience) women compare themselves unfavorably to each other and/or some ideal image much more frequently (and more harshly) than men do. When you next find yourself doing so, try and remember that God created you just the way you are... and He doesn't create rubbish.

God Bless,
Richard

#347580 01/04/05 09:14 AM
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I guess I was a bit hasty. He hasn't quit after all. He did go a few days, but now he is at it again.

He picked it up from the ow when we were in town the other day. That was how they met in the first place.

He is still at the house.

My hours are cut at work. It came down to work for less money or move back home, not a good choice.

He said I could stay there, but I told him that I cna't live there, and play susie homemaker while he is seeing other women. He said nothing.

I have been feeling very hurt and discouraged. I have stopped acting or pretending .

He called last night and this morning. He said he built the house for me, and that I am to know that I always have a place to go- not to feel that I have nowhere to live.

But the reality is that when he left a year ago I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't support myself. I had no firewood or food left, and no car.

I was living in squalor, and poverty. The washing machine and fridge are broken , the roof leaks, the windows are broken etc. I may as well have no home.

OW has a nice big house in the city. When he is there he does chores for her, fixes her house.

Doesn't he see that?

#347581 01/07/05 01:02 AM
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Shul,

I have no comfort to offer, except my prayers, and you like everyone I have encountered here are in them.

Your WH probably doesn't *want* to see. I wonder if perhaps by allowing you to stay in the house he feels better about himself because at least he feels that he hasn't "abandoned" you (even though he clearly did).

I think you are right not to "play susie homemaker". He needs to decide if he wants you (and his D) in his life. A house like your H is offering is only shelter. You can get shelter in many places. What you want, and what your D needs is a home. I pray that you will find one, without needing to fear where your H is or who he is spending time with. Alas, right now it sounds as if he can't see what he is dangerously close to losing.

God Bless,
Richard

#347582 01/10/05 02:03 PM
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Thank you Richard,

I have sorted things out workwise , so that I can stay living here.

His van broke down a couple of weeks ago so he has just spent the weekend in town with ow, ostensibly to get a motor for it. I haven't heard from him since Friday. He generally doesn't call me when he has been with her.

In hindsight I think I should have rented out the house months ago.

It would have been a logical natural consequence of his leaving.

This is such a mess. Our daughter had a terrible lonely weekend, and I am just sick for her.

We do need a home. She needs a home with a father who will love her, care about her. I need a partner.

I hate what he is doing and the choices he has been making.

I am so tired of being hurt and alone. I want this nightmare to end.

#347583 01/12/05 03:02 PM
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Richard,

Your insight has been very helpful.

I am thinking about something, and I want to run it by you before I talk to him.

He is in a fix, as I see it; he has no vehicle working at the moment, so he is stuck at the house in the bush without a car.

His body is breaking down, and he can't do the kind of work that he used to do anymore. His insurance will run out in a couple of months, and he will have to find a job, but there isn't much left that he can do in this province without a licence.

He cant' stay at the house much longer, so th ealternative is to move in to the city and live with the ow, and her 5 kids ( he tried that,and hated it there- no privacy etc. And she doens't plan to support him- she is all about the money.)

I have a proposition for him. If he is willing to give up seeing other women, he can move in here, live rent free, no expenses, and we can rent out the house. The rent money can go toward existing debts.

We both contribute to the grocery , we both get an allowance every month, and the rest goes in the bank, to save up for a stake to start over . In a couple of years we would have enough to pursue his dream and mine. We would have to agree on an account where neither of us can touch it unless we both sign, to keep us accountable.

He gets to stay here, where there is privacy and room. He gets to be a father to his daughter, and have a partner he can trust. He can work as he is able to, and if he can't work much we will still be ok. He gets to work toward something real, that he can be proud of , and live without guilt or remorse.

He can still get his van going, and have freedom to see his friends, just no women. I will agree to the same.

The alternative is that he move to the city and end up on welfare, and probably do illegal things that will surely land him in jail. That is the future that awaits him. Even if he succeeds in making money, I want no part of it.

If that is his choice, I will take it as the end, and move on, find someone else to make a life with.

I think he needs to see where his life is leading, and an alternate path.

I feel like this is his last chance.

I am willing to risk it, inspite of everything. I want him to have a good life, all of us.

#347584 01/13/05 05:09 PM
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Dear Shul,

I haven't been posting much, but I have read, and tried to stay with your story.

These new developments are very troubling, for sure, HOWEVER, I don't believe asking WH to move in with you is a good idea. Not at all.

I think you should just let the chips fall where they have to, and let him crash and burn.

Yes, it will probably mean him moving in/w/OW. Yeah, right, "he hates it".

He doesn't seem to care about what is best for his family (you and DD). So why are you so concerned about him hating (or so he says) having to move in with her?

Here's what I think: I think you simply don't want him near her, and his "flimsy" excuse that he hates being there is the very (small, minute) thread you are hanging onto to justify you doing a totally illogical thing like letting him live with you rent-free and without financial obligations to you!

Please don't do it.

Love ya, and God Bless,

#347585 01/13/05 06:25 PM
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I agree.

Please pray that he will crash and burn quickly.

#347586 01/14/05 01:30 AM
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Shul,

I don't post much either but I too follow your story. And I'm in agreement with lupo. Your H seems to have the ability to say just the right thing to give you just enough hope for him to continue his ways and keep you strung along.

You really need to separate yourself from that in order to get control of your life. Tough, but you can do it. You really can.

Bless you,

S&C

#347587 01/20/05 08:15 AM
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I can't stand how he is hurting our daughter by not calling or caring, or only showing up when he feels like it , which is when his conscience bothers him.

I tried one last time to talk to him yesterday to arrange visitation. He was with someone and said he would call later to discuss it, but didn't.

She was asking for him two weeks ago, they were together at Xmas and she was happy. Now she is heartbroken again.

I asked her if she would be okay with seeing him once a week on a certain day, and she said she doens't care.


I don't know what to say to him when he eventually calls.

#347588 01/21/05 07:02 PM
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This has been a week.

God has been dealing with me about my sins and it is not pretty.

And I have been dealing with forgiving my husband.

I called him and asked his forgiveness for some things.

He wants to come here tomorrow.

I am praying, but I am also leaving it with God.

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