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Joined: Mar 2004
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Shul Offline OP
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He was vile to me yesterday.

I was up all night thinking maybe I should not be seeing him; htat I should stop trying.

I on the verge of tears and he is on his way here to drive me to town for my work.

I want this nightmare to end.

Joined: Apr 2002
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No one deserves that another treat him vilely.

I have been severely abused in my M. It was my Christian faith that made me realize that I deserve better.

Please consider going to counseling yourself and, if there is physical abuse, it is NEVER your fault and the best way to stop it is to expose it. Restraining orders are civil, not criminal, which means they don't go on your record.

If you want to post to me, I'm on GQII. I've been through unbelievable abuse and didn't know it at the time. I thought it was all my fault.

Cherished

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Shul Offline OP
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Thank you Cherished,

I know it is not my fault, and that it is not about me at all.

And I am safe here from any physical abuse.

I have learned that when he is like he was yesterday, it is either hurt or guilt coming out of him.

He took DD and I to town, dropped me at work, and took Dd to a movie. They had a really good time, and he was fine when they got back, and on the drive back here.

but I am sick of the whole thing. I am sick of him leading two lives.

I used to say if God wants me to divorce him and be with someone else he will have to put it on a neon sign, because I don't quit, and I believe my H and this marriage are redeemable.

But I don't want to be alone, and I want my DD to have a real father, not just when he feels like it.

I am tired. When he kissed me as he was leaving , I suddenly thought of him kissing her, and it is too much.

I can't take anymore.

I want the neon sign now.

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Shul,
I don't quit either. What I have come to learn is that I needed to put the ball in my H's court.

I told him I want a marriage, and this wasn't one. If you can swing it, Harley's program is very good, but you have to have the courage to say you won't stay in a bad marriage while being willing to work on creating a good marriage.

When I put the ball in my husband's court, he decided to work on our marriage. We are now completing our 5th week of Harley's program.

During my H's affair, when I didn't know it was an A, he broke my arm, and in the weeks that followed he was so horrible to me that I remember repeating to myself, "Not even Ted Bundy deserves to be treated like this."

You were not created by God to be treated like this.

Cherished

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Shul Offline OP
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The other day, when he was so angry, I sensed that he might be hurt.

He has made a couple of comments lately; that he noticed that I dont' wear my ring, and that I has said I didnt' want to live with him.

So I told him that I do want to wear it- that I would love to wear it, but that it has to mean that there is a marriage which includes forsaking all others. I told him that I do want to live with him , that I want us to be a family, but that I want a happy stable home, and there is no point in living together if there is no committment.


I am willing and available, but as you say, the ball is in his court.

I was up crying alot again last night. Today he called to tell me that his van broke down after he left ehre last night.

So he had to walk a mile in -39 c, to get to the house. He is stuck there with no car now.

Just like I was last year when he left us, (except I had no money or food or firewood).

I don't know if he will be able to handle it. If he can't stay there, that leaves him two choices-move in with ow and her 5 kids in the city, or stay with me here.

I won't have him living here and being cruel to me while he is sleeping with her, calling her, missing her etc.

I can't bear it. So maybe its better if he moves in with her.

We will see.

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My prayer became, "Lord, help me to not cope."
Cherished

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Shul Offline OP
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I am thinking about going to plan B.

But I don't know what that would look like, or how to convey it to him.

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Shul Offline OP
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I was just thinking of Solomon and the two women who were arguing about whose baby it was .

The one who loved the baby was willing to give it up rather than see it torn in half.

Maybe I need to do the same. Turn him over to her completely.

Last night when he lied about how he was getting to the city I confronted him, and told him that there is really no reason to lie about where he is going.(He could have told me she was picking him up and it would have saved me worrying about him hitchhiking there, as he had said he was).

I told him that it is no secret that he sees her.

I told him that I am not prying into his life, but that I figured he would call her. ( That is what she is for , after all- to use for rides as he said). That I would prefer him to be honest with me.

I wish he would realise that I am not his mother.

I thought we were way past that, and that it was understood that he forfeited his marriage a year ago. I thought he understood that he is here because I choose to allow him to be, not because he is entitled to be, or because I have to let him.

Maybe I need to not let him come every time he calls, so he will get the idea.

Maybe I should tell him that if she needs him to be there, by all means go.

(In summer she and I talked, and she offered to let me have him on the occasional weekends, lol).

Joined: Dec 2003
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Shul,

I'm sorry to hear that your H is still unrepentant.

You're in a difficult situation. Your D deserves to have a father (even if he is being an [censored]). You, on the other hand, deserve much better than to just be your husband's "mistress" (as you wrote in an earlier post).

I think you are absolutely right that you cannot start to depend on him again. Be strong. God's path for you may not be an easy one (just as my return to His way continues to be a hard struggle on which I have stumbled frequently), but He loves you. You deserve better. Unfortunately, right now it seems your H cannot give you what you need. He will not be able to until he stops seeing the OW. Unfortunately, the only person who can make that choice is him.

You remain in my prayers (as does everyone else here). I hope things get better soon.

God Bless,
Richard


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