For someone out there. I need (Just what do I need?). If you've been reading my posts you'll know about four weeks ago my wife told me of an affair she had been having for over 2+ years with OM who lives 600 miles away. Although it has been tough for the both of us we have been getting along great.<BR>Spending a lot of time together, talking, listening, hugging, and having the most intimate sexual experiences we probably ever had. We hold hands, she sits in my lap while we read posts on this board. We discuss my posts. We are our was to recovery. We print out the questionaire on emotional needs and go over each item one by one. We discuss our responses. Everything is great, huh? Well not one could hurt as much as I hurt in my heart since D day. No one could love a wife as much as I love mine. Forgiveing was easy. All along she says she would like us to try to recover on our own and I think we can. We really do love each other. But, she says she could not retell the story of her affair to a stranger (even a professional) or anyone else for that matter. Well, guess what. Tonight as we lay in each others arms after discussing our emotional needs together she was concerned that I had listed Honesty as my first choice. I told her that from this time forward the only thing that mattered to me was that we could trust each other unconditionally. And with that I told her that I too had had more than one affair during our marriage. She was devistated. Probably as much as I was when she told me of her affair. My explanation to her for me disclosing my secret at this time was not to ease her guilt or my own, but I really believe that for us to build a future on honesty I had to disclose my deceit. I know in my heart I did the right thing because our love means more to me than the lies I have hidden for so long. Neither of us have any communication with OP and we certainly have no withdrawal. We can yet make it through this but did I do the right thing. Waiting any longer would have only made the lie worse because we are rebuilding. Somebody must have some guidance for me (us).

Hi CRC -<P>YES!!!!!<P>You did the right thing!!!!<P>Much better to get all the secrets out - let all the hurt happen at once (now) and start fresh with a clean slate.....<P>It's the only true way to move forward!!<P>I applaud you for that honesty - even with how scared you must have been you did the right thing.<P>You both sound like wonderful people who lost their way....<P>But you both have been lucky enough to keep the love somewhere inside and now - with the help of these tools and honest communication you will be able to rebuild your marriage!!! <P>I have a feeling that it will be better than you ever imagined!!! You are both so lucky!!!! <P>Always put each other above all else!!<P>I know that God will be with you every step of the way...<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba's right! You did a good thing. No matter how much it hurts, you've repaired the foundation.<P>A truly wonderful marriage is BASED on honesty. Without it, there's always something b/n you, keeping you from achieving that union.<P>You two sound great. You will get through this together. <P>Lots of hugs to you.<P>Lori

Total honesty is the only way to bein a marriage. But sometimes, as you have seen, the cost is great. Had you prepared yourself for what would come? You sound as if you were surprised at her total devastation? She feels as you do, even though your affairs were farther back in the relationship. As you will see on this forum, time plays no role on the pain felt when the spouse is told of the affair. 20 yrs or 2 mos ago-the pain is as great.<BR>Both of you have a lot of work to do toward recover and it will nto be easy. Keep working at it together. Help each other, be open and honest as you are doing. But be prepared for the rollercoaster rides, be there for each other. Perhaps the book by the Vaughans would help you? They have a website and the book can be ordered there. I could not personally relate to Peggy (wife and co-author) but the book helped me put some things into persepctive. <BR>Does your wife post also?

CRC,<P>I too think you did the right thing by being honest:<P>You have to be honest to expect honesty....<P>You have to forgive others if you ever hope to be forgiven...<P>You have to love yourself first if you expect others to find you lovable....<P>You have to love others if you want them to love you back....<P>You can not ever go wrong by trying to have a relationship with your wife that is truly based on honesty, IMHO.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{<B>CRC</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>CRC's Wife</B>}}}}}}}}}}<P>You are both on a truly <B>great</B> recovery...<BR>I know CRC's Wife... you must feel totally devastated... we all sympathize(sp)...<BR>But you have crossed stepped into an area of true building... <B>honesty</B>...<P>Just a few reminders from the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Historical Honesty:</B> Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. (page 142 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do keep strong together...<BR>Honesty is never bad news...<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

I could understand if her reaction was less than affectionate. Imagine thinking your the sole person with guilt and finding out otherwise, how long does it take to open this up to her could be somewhat devistating to her psyche. Give it time.<BR>You are in the right, total Honesty-you needed to tell her this stuff, as much as you can. You also need to understand how this might hurt her because she didn't know of it. Take the time and keep working on it. It sounds like both of you are in an excellent plan A- keep at it! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>