I haven't been here or the infidelity board much the past 2 months. When Guard left me the 7th time in Jan, my desire to work on my marriage left me. When I found him preparing to email the OW in Feb, I no longer wanted the marriage at all, but I've waited another month before taking any big steps. I haven't posted because I feel things have gone very badly for me and I don't know that the path I've followed, except for my faith in God, is one that I could set another person on.<P>This post is both explanation and confession.<P>I told Guard I was moving toward a divorce last Monday. I picked up the papers on Friday, gave them to him last night. He had a pretty calm reaction and says that he will trust God to restore our marriage.<P>He spent a lot of time talking to me on how his affair started, stopped, resumed, lingered. How it had felt like love but now he knows it was false and I am his real love and he wants to take care of me and the children for the rest of our lives and make it beautiful.<P>These are words I, and so many of us, have longed to hear, but if you know my story, he's said exactly this before, along with "can't you see I've really changed?" which, once I take him back turns to "I'll never really change."<P>The thought of taking him back paralyzes me. I can't imagine trying again. I can't imagine giving anymore than I have. I'm hurt, angry, and filled with the pain he has poured on me and my children. I've reconciled with him so many times and been devastated each and every time. I work on forgiveness because I can feel myself becoming bitter. But it seems like EVERYTHING is a trigger, there is no part of our lives together that feels untainted.<P>I know God can right this mess, turn all my "can'ts" into "I am" but I feel walled in, my heart, my trust, my desire are all gone.<P>And I confess to you, my friends, that the friendship I have developed with a man should be considered an EA--that is if I had emotions...I don't feel trust or love resurrecting or the certainty that this man could make it all right. It isn't likely that he, or anyone other than God, could. I know that.<P>The sermon yesterday was on living a Christian, witnessing life and the bull's eye target we carry on us for Satan. My H's affair, the multiple separations, the years this has gone on painted a target on me with lonliness & vulnerability. I knew it, as most of us do. I was sooo careful for so long. Didn't go out. Didn't spend time with other men, not so much as a coffee...(ok, let's add a little pride to that target) This man gentled me with kindness, humor and long stories that reminded me of where/how I grew up. <P>I thought I was strong enough to handle the friendship, disregarding all I have learned here on MB and know within my heart. He isn't the reason I want a divorce, Guard is. Over the past year I've detailed all the awful things Guard has done. He drained my lovebank. He admits he used my love, I was so positive that he wouldn't lose me, that he took chance after chance on that, many chances after I said I couldn't do it anymore--God took care of those times, I COULDN'T have done it without God. I told Guard when he left this last time that would be it. I doubt he believed me since I have said it so many times, but I still feel that way 2 months later.<P>I know divorce is also pain, maybe worse than this has been. Guard tells me that so many on the MB have it worse than us...and I know some of you are those people. Also you are people of faith, as I am.<P>What are you called to tell me?<P>Lor<BR>

Lor,<P>I respond to your post very reluctantly. I read it with sadness and yet not a sense of surprise. It seems over the past couple months things appeared to be going this way.<P>You ask, "What are you called to tell me?"<BR>I just sat there looking at the computer screen and said, "Oh God, What does one tell someone who has gone through so much?"<P>In reality I don't think any of us can tell you something you don't already know! You have sought God for a long time for the restoration of your marriage. You have had it put back together and ripped away time and time again! Who can understand the "Why?" of that?<P>It has been so difficult for you up until now but it would seem like taking another shot at it would be the hardest thing you've done yet. That would seem to be because you are empty! Empty of trying, empty of love, empty of patience, empty of ideas and the list goes on. <P>Emptiness is not so bad if you realize that that is where God comes in. He will fill you with all of the things you need. You have to decide if that is what you want. It would be a supernatural restoration purely at this point!<P>The EA is another thing all together. I'm sure this persons presence has appeared to help and comfort, but in all truthfulness Lor it has only complicated things for you. Be kind to yourself, you are not ready for another complicated relationship, EA or not.<P>We all have choices to make, the choice is pretty easy, the acting upon it is the hard part.<P>Here is a poem for you Lor, and my prayers are with you.<P>"Leave it all quietly to God<BR>My soul"<BR>the past mistakes<BR>that left<BR>their scars.<BR>All bitterness<BR>beyond control,<BR>that mars<BR>His peace,<BR>demands its toll.<BR>Confessed to Him<BR>...and left...<BR>it would,<BR>like all things<BR>work together<BR>for my good,<BR>and bring release.<BR>I would be whole.<BR>So<BR>"Leave it all quietly to God<BR>my soul."<P>Father, I ask for release and wholeness for Lor. Bring her quietly to Yourself for healing and wholeness. IJN<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

Lor, I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Taj said basically what I would have said, so I won't repeat it. I can truly understand your feelings of devastation, having been separated 6 times, and down to the last minute on being divorced twice already. It is so extremely hard to believe that they're sincere. There are many days I doubt my husband's sincerity in coming back home. All I can do is trust the Lord to take care of me. I rely on Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" to help me keep faith, since the evidence of his repentance or salvation is definitely not seen. <P>Lor, listen for the Lord speaking to you. You'll know what He is telling you by the peace in your heart about it. I just finished reading a book called "Listen, God is Speaking To You" by Quinn Sherrer. It helped me alot in learning to discern when God is speaking to me. I still struggle with this but I'm getting better at figuring out when God is talking to me. <P>I cannot say whether or not divorce is the right thing for you, only you and the Lord can decide that. You do have biblical grounds for divorce, based on Guard's infidelity. We know God hates divorce, but there are times it happens, God still loves us. I was married before, we divorced, and I felt God's presence telling me to "let the unbelieving depart". I wish I could say that after my divorce from my first H that everything was roses but it isn't. I guess I am reaping what I sowed, by marrying an unbeliever when I knew better. Untold heartache has been my life for the last 17 years (minus the 5 my H was sober). <P>I'll be praying for you, and for your husband. The Lord will never forsake you, no matter what happens. He knows your heart, he will comfort you. <P>Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for loving and comforting Lor, and her husband Guard, during this time of great heartache. I pray that you will ease their pain, and show them the direction You want them to take. Please send the Holy Spirit to Lor, guiding her every thought, word, and action. I praise You Father in the highest for protecting their children from any further hurt. Thank you Lord for healing Lor's broken heart. I pray that You will be with her throughout this trial, lifting her up. Help her Lord, to make the decisions You wish her to make. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.<P>

Lor,<BR>it would be so hard to make such a decision. But I understand how hard it would be to trust him. We want so much to trust them, but sometimes you have to say enough is enough. Taj and AW basically said it all. Listen to God. Know Him and seek Him. He will not lead you astray.<P>Father, I lift up Lor, I pray that she seeks You with all her heart and seeks to keep her eyes on Jesus. You know where she is and where you want her to be. let Lor, fall into your arms and find rest in You. Keep her safe and bring her husband back to Jesus. Show him the way. Let, Lor find rest, peace, joy and healing in Jesus. Amen

Lor,<P>Please end the contact with your male friend. Don't do anything else at this point except that. <P>Please.<BR>TNT

Lor<BR>I agree with TNT about the other man at this point. If he is a gift from God, then he will still be there down the road. For now, rest in the Lord. You are broken and beaten down, so vulnerable and the enemy waits like a lion stalking its prey. I cannot find in the scriptures where it says if we "feel" like it, then do it. I know you don't feel like doing a darn thing about your marriage in light of Guard's behavior and lies. Maybe at this point, you aren't supposed to do anything. Keep the ball in his park. It may take a couple of years for him to regain your trust. He is going to have to show a lot of consistency for a long period of time to undo the mess he has made. For now, do what you need to do to take care of yourself, bathe yourself in His love, rest under His wing, focus on your babies. Guard needs to focus on the children and not on you. If he truly is sincere, it will work out, if not that will show itself over time, not with him living in the home but out of the home. He needs to put his money where his mouth is, so to speak. For now, what is important is the children. Find your joy in the Lord. He will bring the healing you desire whether or not Guard does anything. Do not worry about Guard. Put him in the Lord's arms and leave him there. Work on yourself in your relationship with the Father and what He would have you learn. Is it learning more about healthy boundaries? (That one is mine)<P>Rest precious lady, rest!

Thank you so much for your posts. I was just over on infidelity board where Guard posted, and there are 2 women who are basically saying they wish Guard was their H. Sure, maybe today, but nobody would have traded places with me the day he left the 7th time...or last month when he was emailing the OW...oh, that's right, after I caught him with the email on the screen, he didn't send it...<P>Anger. Bitterness. Unforgiveness. IMAGES!!!<P>I see these things in me. I keep giving them up to God and it seems like all this negative yuck is an artesian spring, it just keeps welling. I know I have to (should?) rebuke Satan as these are all forgiven issues, but somehow I become "overwhelmed" first...<P>Taj--thank you for the thoughts, prayers, & poem.<P>MTAW--I feel a measure of peace today for the first time in a long time. I don't know that it is the papers, I do know that I stood up to Guard yesterday, without LBing, I think. It is too easy still for me to let him run all over me.<P>hw--enough is enough...the question is when? I wish I had a nickel for everytime I've cried to God "OH LORD HOW LONG".<P>TNT, SueB--I'm turning more to my females friends. And rebuilding my prayer life. I went into emergency "OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD" awhile back and realize my need to pray more coherantly. I've subscribed to Neil Anderson's daily devotional online and it has been so on target. <P>God Bless you all.<P>Lor<P>

Lor,<BR>In answer to your question, "OH LORD HOW LONG", remember, the Lord does things in His own time, NOT our time. As hard as that is to accept, we have to accept it (including me). I too have asked that question, but thanks to reading the Bible, and listening to the ladies on this forum. Please Wait, and have faith in the Lord. <BR>

Neil Anderson's Devotionals are so great. Seems like when I go read them it's like God is speaking directly at me!! Reading the daily devotional is the first thing I do when I get to work each day. Does anyone else have a great daily devotional they get via email?

Lor,<BR>I am sure you know all the Scriptures on marriage and have poured over them during this struggling time. I will tell you what God has been telling me. I keep hearing over and over, "Get out of the way and let me deal with your h." It is not up to us to keep our h faithful. You have gone the extra mile over and over and every time Guard has abused your effort. For you to trust Guard at this point would be very foolish. Dr. Harley says we should not give trust when we expect to be hurt once again. However, with God's assistance, you must forgive. The bitterness will only destroy you and your walk with God. Don't forgive for Guard's sake, do it for you. Proceed with caution as you take steps for divorce. I know you have had a long time getting to this point, just make sure that you still your heart and listen to what God is asking of you. God will not ask any more of you than what you are able to do through Him.<P>Lor, give yourself a break. You have been through way more than many. I'm not sure what Guard is thinking when he says your relationship is better than some. Your relationship has been stained by sin for years and until that sin is removed, the relationship God had intended for you can never be. Proceed as you need to. Guard needs to continue to work on doing what God would have him do. Prayers.

I've taken everybody's advice. Last Thurs I ended contact with the OM. And part of that is because I don't have the emotional resources for that relationship to deepen at this point. I went so long without having any of my needs met, probably the highest one being quality time/conversation. Guard told me for years, even before the affair, he didn't know what to say to me. With the affair it turned to "I can't/won't/have no intention of talking to you." Ouch. The OM has talked to me endlessly and that felt healing, someone wanting to talk to me, listen to me. Guard now wants to meet that need, but it often feels more like a verbal/emotional beating because it is him trying to bend me to his/God's (?) will.<P>I'm going to set up an appointment with my pastor this week. I don't want to see our counselor, because at this time I think he is more invested in helping Guard & making sure I don't follow through with the divorce than what is going on with me, with my faith, with my life.<P>Thank you for your prayers.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Good to hear from you Lor and I am glad to hear you will be meeting with your pastor. I didn't see anything posted about how you were nurturing yourself during this time, but I sure hope you haven't forgotten that.

Lor,<P>I'm happy that you are meeting with the Pastor too. Remember what you and everyone has said before. Give it up to the Lord, and let Him do His will. <P>Heavenly Father, please give Lor the wisdom, faith and understanding to continue to do Your will. IJN - Amen.<P>Keep us posted.. Love, Pookie

Lor,<P>I do believe you opened up the windows of heaven when you started this study on the praying wife. The emphasis has changed over the past months from praying for our husbands to being hung up in Chapter 1 "His Wife" <P>You and everyone else on this board is going through the fire! Each in her own way but the fire none the less. <P>God is purifying for Himself a people who will glorify Him in all they do....especially in trials!<P>I am so in awe of your strength and sensitivity to God's leading. What you have done in cutting off contact with your friend is turn to God for true friendship and communion! Well done! Your a daughter of the King and He is proud of you.<P>I tend to agree with your decision to go to your Pastor for counseling. From what I have read of Guard's posts he is trying but looking for a quick fix! You and I know that just isn't the way God usually works.<P>Your faithfulness has blessed me today! You continue to be in my prayers.<P>Blessings, Taj

Dear Lor, I'm so glad to hear from you. I also think that you've made a great step in faith by ending contact with OM, and going to meet with your pastor. I agree with Taj that Guard does seem to be wanting a "quick fix". He does seem to be sincere in his efforts to talk with the Lord, however he doesn't seem to be reflecting our Lord in his behavior consistently. I'm praying for both of you. <P>

Pookie (I have a cat name Pookie who I talk to all the time, I visualize you with big yellow eyes & gray hair ), AW, Derby, SueB, Taj, thank you all for being so gentle with me.<P>I don't know so much that this is a step of faith, I don't particularly want any admiration for something I'm finding so difficult to do...the OM's health is being affected by the stress of MY life. Suddenly he has high blood pressure...I can just see me inadvertantly killing off someone who has been kind to me. <P>Stress is so odd, most of us here have suffered the weight loss, tiredness, depression, rashes, headaches, stomach upsets, menstrual irregularities, and if it goes on long enough, hair loss, fingernail brittleness...my blood pressure shot up the second time my H moved out. The rest of my life it has always been "low". I've accepted all that for me, but the only other person I've ever made sick is my H.<P>{Sigh} And today I need to work on taxes. It's like walking through the landmined reminders of my H's affair. He wanted to help me work on them, but I think I'd just end up yelling at him.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Lor,<BR>I am neutral about your decision about your marriage. I'm not sure I'm called to tell you anything. However, I am struck at how you and Guard kept up the same dance, but exchanged roles. It must somehow be significant...I'm not sure how.<P>First is your faith. I'm not saying that you want a divorce because you lack faith, but as Guard seemingly at least grows in faith, I sense that your faith if not faultering has a more academic rather than personal overtone. Maybe I am way out of line. <P>As Guard presses to "fix" things...your old role, you seem to distance yourself further...which I am sure you remember is his old role.<P>And then there is the OM...a term I would not have thought I could use in the same sentance as Lor. I am not judging you, Lor, but it seems this man has been more of a draw than you are willing to admit. Kind of a Siren's song, luring you ever so softly. Even if this is the nicest man, I can not believe he is healthy for you at this stage. I don't think he was sent to be a blessing. Although maybe in some small way you can understand the lure when one is vunerable. Maybe you can see Guard's initial fall was such as this, a lure...a temptation...and not a personal rejection of you. <P>Your counselor, which gave you so much, you are now avoiding...just like Guard did.<P>I also must so gentley remind you that when you say the OM didn't make you want a divorce, Guard did. Well, that sounds OK until you consider how firmly you stood for your marriage for 18+ months. Of course you may have run out of steam...but it is suspiciously timed with OM. <P>I know I would have not lasted as long as you have. I doubt that I would want to continue a marriage given the circumstances you have endured.<P>However, you did. You didn't give up. You kept the faith. You fought the good faith. Until now. And that is why I am concerned.<P>I think the OM is making the water a bit muddy. Without him, I guess I would say...99+ strikes...sorry Guard, you are OUT. With the OM factor, I am not so sure.<P>So why have you switched roles almost seemlessly? That may be a great question.<P>Are you so used to your dance that you had to keep it up...even if it meant switching roles?<P>Did Guard finally reach a breakthough at the very point that you gave up...or did he mentally give up the OW at about the same time that OM became involved?<P>How can it be that Guard is busy "fixing" things as you withdraw? How Guard is seeking out the counselor as you are avoiding him? <P>I don't know. I don't know what lessons you could learn, what conclusions you could draw...but this is what jumps out at me...and I thought I should share it.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I went in last week and spoke with my pastor about the divorce & the rest of my situation. Guard has also been in to see him, so I knew he had most of the details, no hiding the EA...<P>It was a good visit. He said that there are few people who would stick with their marriage under the circumstances I have...but like most of you are asking, I've been through worse...Guard is seemingly willing to really try...why divorce now? In a rather petulant way I said, "if few would do what I've already done, can't I quit?" He said that of course I can choose (oh, that word again ) to quit...but he felt I would regret it down the road. And regret it hard.<P>Well, not seeing the OM is giving me some clarity on that issue. If he's not the actual reason for my wanting out at this time, he was holding my hand to help me get out. <P>FHL--you are exactly right. It was a Siren's Song. Actually, a horse whisperer. There are times he would speak to me like I was a rolling-eyed, bolting colt. He says he has a method of training a horse to saddle in 3 hours...fortunately I didn't spend many 3 hours time periods with him, so he had to keep starting over. And unlike a horse, I can think and make decisions and walk out (I wasn't hobbled, as a horse would have been :O).<P>The timing...I have to say that when Guard left the 6th time in Oct...I let the OM in my life by telling him of that separation. He said, a man who left me 6 times, doesn't deserve me. Then of course, Guard & I reconciled the end of Nov., I cut down on contact with OM, but he was out of the country for 3 of those weeks, so I can't really take credit for that either. When Guard left in Jan...well, you've got that story in my posts above. The OM said the gloves were off and that's when the real horse whispering began. And now, not seeing him or talking to him, I miss it...and I do commisserate more with Guard and his difficulty in breaking it off for good with his OW. Her seduction skills were equally good and so are Guard's when/if she backed off.<P>I don't know how Guard and I switched places. But it is eerie to have him going through my things, reading my email & MB posts, checking my phone, driving by the OM's house--never when I've been there. There was a time THAT IS WHAT I USED TO DO.<P>My situation/marriage has been a mess for a long time, and now I've made some bad choices as well--in saying the OM is a horse whisperer, I'm not denying my culpability, I'm a farm girl, I know how to tame wild animals as well. <P>It is amazing how the Enemy uses a small chink in one's armour to infiltrate & devour us. I should have realized that the fact that I never prayed for the OM was a giveaway to my feelings...I didn't want God to interfere with him and take him out of my life. Stupid, huh? It's difficult for me to come here and expose this darkness to the Light.<P>Sisters in Christ, I'm sorry. <P>Guard, (even though you SAID you aren't reading my posts anymore... ) I'm sorry for adding to your pain as well.<P>Lor<P>

Well Lor, you seemed to have figured out the dynamics of your situation.<P>Maybe now it is just time to rest rather than proceed full steam with divorce.<P>Withdrawl is a powerful thing. Although certainly it is your choice to do what you want, I think your Pastor put it best.<P>Best to make sure who is speaking to your heart about the divorce.<P>If there is any doubt...and I sense that you have a great deal, proceed with caution...or just rest a bit.<P>Is it kind of like you "know" you want the divorce right now, but you are unsure of your motivation and whether or not the sourse of your motivation is pure?<P>Praying you find the path that can bring you true peace.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Lor,<P>Sounds like you have worked through alot of things, complications which the enemy knowingly threw in your way.<P>Endurance is something you are oh so familiar with, this is just a new slant on what you have already been a champion at doing.<P>Read this morning of Peter's betrayal of the Lord. God knew he was going to do it, even prayed for him that his faith would not fail and when he was through it Jesus prayed he would return and strength his brothers.<P>Thank you Lor, for even though Satan wished to sift you like wheat, the Lord has only allowed you to travail a trial and come through the other side again a champion. <P>Thank you for the strengthening you have given me in sharing quite frankly your struggle. and most importantly your <B>CHOOSING</B> to be obedient to God's direction.<P>Guard, if you are reading this I hope you realize what a woman of God you have and please don't ever take her for granted.<P>Father, heal this marriage once and for all for Your glory. May the lives of these two people be used to strengthen others of the body of Christ who are struggling. Give Lor your rest to be revived and strengthened to continue her journey in this life with You. IJN<P>