Hi ladies.... I haven't been on much lately and apologize for not keeping up with the study. Hopefully things will be better next week. <P>My dad is very ill, and I am flying to FL to see him in the morning. The doctors said there is nothing they can do at this point. But I will keep praying. On top of this, my husband is in another downward spiral with his drinking. At this point I just keep asking the Lord to help me get through it.<P>Taj, I was wondering.... about your dreams, do they wake you up around the hours between 12 - 3 AM? The reason I am asking is that Neil Anderson wrote an article (I think) about how Satan uses his demons to attack people through dreams, and this activity increases between 12 - 3 AM. Neil's advice is to rebuke the enemy and praise God and pray for "sweet sleep". If I can find the article I will post the link. A few months after my H came back I had several bad dreams about him and an OW, and weird numbers started showing up on caller ID..... I prayed Luke 8:17 "For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light" personalizing it for my situation. As nothing was revealed, I attribute those dreams to the enemy trying to discourage me. <P>Lord, I lift up Taj to you, help her Lord to discern the truth about the dreams she has had. Father, bring to Taj Your peace that passes all understanding. Help her Lord to be a woman of strength in her marriage and in her job. Lord, I thank You for the love and protection over Taj and her husband. Praises and glory to You Lord. Father, send the enemy as far away from Taj as east is from west. Help her Lord, to stand firm with all the armor of God on, rebuking the enemy, repelling his attacks. Lord, Your glorious power is overwhelming. In Jesus' name, AMEN

Hello ladies. I found POPW yesterday at the library. I've read through the first three pages of this thread, and I'll try to catch up with y'all. Still thinking of changing my name to slowpoke. <P>I have some energy today. I'm going to get some fresh air and logon again after dark.

How are you all doing on your questions? Ready for the next piece? <P>Had a lot more resentment in there than I had realized. Was kind of eye opening. Got an email from my Ex regarding our son and working out schedules to be with our son during his treatment.<P>Of course my H is amazed that we don't hate each other like he does his ex. My ex has remarried and I am happy for him. He was one of my best friends in high school and I should have never married him. Ruined a good friendship for a long time. Had I known about marriagebuilders back then, perhaps...but it doesn't do any good to go there. I think that loving my first H interferred with any relationship and even now that he is dead, I see how his memory still sneaks up and throws me for a loop.<P>Had a tough weekend. hope you are all doing better.

Taj, <P>Been thinking about you a lot the past couple of days, so what is going on? I find that when the Spirit lays somebody on my heart to pray for, there is a reason. How's the job, the anxiety, the dreams?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>JAS 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, [20] for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. [21] Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Question 10. In light of the challenge of listing resentments and challenging those areas in your life where denial has remained present, identify those areas where you became angry because of your resentments. How did you chose to act out that anger?</B> <P>I think the biggest realization for me was seeing the number of times I removed myself emotionally, withdrew from my H, hardened my heart and allowed no room for him in there. Granted, part of that was for protection as well against his own inappropriate use of anger, but I am still accountable for my behavior, my part in the interaction. That hard heart disables us, increases our inability to express or to feel. <P>As I think about my codependency training years ago and the purpose of anger, to either control or to cover a hurt, I see this in action in my own life so vividly today. That tendency to LB in response to the hurt in anger in attempts to throw off the scent of the hound dogs who would have a field day if I were that vulnerable as to express hurt... to desire to be so self-controlled as to not let anyone know that I have allowed them the power to hurt me. <P>My accountabililty partners says in those instances we need to verbalize in this way. "This hurts. I need to think about this." so that we do not respond in retaliation, so that we can take a step back and assess the truth of the matter, identify those lies that the evil one loves to toss in and decide if the present situation is a place where a boundary belongs, etc. Then we can respond in love.<P><B>FEAR</B><P>The second most destructive offender in our lives, the one emotion that we most strongly feel when we begin to look at ourselves. When present, our need to deny, ignore and avoid reality is increased. Our unrealistic perspective becomes greatly exaggerated and intensifies our emotional response, causing us tremendous pain. Fear attacks us physically and cause feelings that range from apprehension to panic. When fear is present, we may become nervous, nauseated or disoriented. (CONFUSION) <P>When we inventory our fears, we may discover that they are a direct result of our inability to make decisions. Or we may blieve that if we could make the right decision, things would be different. And some of themost troubling decisions directly relate to the boundaries we know must be established. (OUCH) Fear is the first response we feel when we aren't in control of our lives. It is the opposite of faith. When we fear, we loss of control and we doubt God's ability to help.<P>The above section, while somewhat paraphrased is pretty much verbatim from the A Spiritual Journey book, page 73. It just hit me as already so clearly defined and I couldn't improve on it much.<P><B>Question 11. List your major fear. How is it interferring with your life? </B><P>Fear is the underlying cause of many forms of spiritual disease, the first response we feel when we aren't in control of a situation. A wide range of mental and phusical ills are frequently the direct result of this unwholesome emotion. Fear often prevents us from seeing options to effectively resolve the issues causing the fear. Leaning to acknowledge fear in a healthy way in an important part of changing ourselves into godly women, to be in recovery, the healing of our hearts, the taking the log out of our own eyes.<P>Some examples where fear may display itself:<BR>When we fear, we may be:<BR>Feeling threatened, Resisting change, Experiencing rejection, Fighting for survival, Facing our mortality or Experiencing loss.<P>In the same format as above in listing your resentments identify those areas of your life where fear has a foothold. Example below:<P><B>I fear</B> my spouse<BR><B>because</B>I feel I am never able to please him/her.<BR><B>This affects</B>my self-esteem and sexuality.<BR><B>This activate</B> my fear of abandonment.<BR><B>This maeks me feel</B> worthless and angry.<P>Go one step further and identify on a scale of 1-10, how much does fear negatively affect your life. 1 on the scale, 10 indicates that it has high nefative effect. Where are you today?<P><B>2TI 2:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.</B><P>Father, you tell us that the only thing we should fear is you. You have given us the gifts of power, love and self-discipline and the authority over all the power of the enemy. Guide us in this task to root out fears and to call them what they are. Father, change us, into the women you would have us become, that we would become emboldened for your glory, that we might be useful vessels for your purpose. Father, enlighten us one step at a time and let this step today be to clear the path to see how fear has a stranglehold on us. Let this light remove all shadows of doubt and denial. Let it not call it by any other name. Give us courage to take this step Father, IJN, Amen.<BR>

<BR> <B>Question 10. In light of the challenge of listing resentments and challenging those areas in your life where denial has remained present, identify those areas where you became angry because of your resentments. How did you chose to act out that anger?</B> <P>I have in some ways not allowed God to touch areas of my life because I do not trust Him with my future. I'm not sure His plan is in alignment with mine, so I'm not sure I trust Him. No, I am not blinded to the glaring mistakes in this line of approach/thinking! I have relied on other people sometimes. Recently one of the people I've relied upon and had a friendship with for 10 years I broke with. Because of this God is able to fill these spaces in my life and I am also able to hurt through them and cry to Him versus supposedly taking care of my needs on my own. Breaking with this person is allowing my life a whole nother course and is demanding my dependence upon our Father and allowing Him to work on areas of me that I had previously kept from His touch!<P>Reaction: By rebelling. By withdrawing subtilely. By reacting and responding to my fear. Letting fear be my guide.<P><B>FEAR</B><P>The second most destructive offender in our lives, the one emotion that we most strongly feel when we begin to look at ourselves. Our unrealistic perspective becomes greatly exaggerated and intensifies our emotional response, causing us tremendous pain. When fear is present, we may become nervous or disoriented. (CONFUSION) <P>Fear is the first response we feel when we aren't in control of our lives. It is the opposite of faith. When we fear, we loss of control and we doubt God's ability to help.<P>I really thought that was so well-said! unrealistic perspective and exaggeration is very true. Fear generally give me a vast overreaction to the situation at hand and is a very overrated picture. <P><B>Question 11. List your major fear. How is it interferring with your life? </B><P><B>I fear</B> trusting God with my future and today<BR><B>because</B>I am not in control then and "rely" with less "doing" on my part--ugh!<BR><B>This affects</B>I don't know...what wouldn't it affect. It doesn't cripple my life, but it doesn't allow me to run across the hills and meadows (reference to "Hinds Feet on High Places")<BR><B>This activate</B> my fear of abandonment, being alone, having noone, not having much that I hold dear.<BR><B>This makes me feel</B> angry, frustrated, disappointed...(over and over)<P>Go one step further and identify on a scale of 1-10, how much does fear negatively affect your life. 1 on the scale, 10 indicates that it has high negative effect. Where are you today?<P>Well, I don't know about the scale, but I know fear has a stronghold in my life. I'm much more motivated by consequences than other things. I lead a good life, but spiritually my lack of faith and trust (as so awesomely evidenced above!!!! YIKES!)certainly are preventing me from living a carefree life with God and others. Right now I'm living with my fears and not running from them. So this is progress. It's a moment by moment and day by day thing though. It's not something I can say I've overcome and it's something that will probably always be a struggle for me. I'm learning and growing a lot and I'm not all immature, but evidenced from my responses I have some real serious things to deal with or rather allow God to deal with in my life and submit to Him on!<P>HM

SueB,<P>I have been "knee-deep" in orientation for my new job. All is well! The dreams stopped, just had one more after I posted. I have not been sleeping well so guess that is why I haven't been dreaming. It has been so busy around here, my h and I have been "passsing in the doorway".<P>When I get this busy I fear that I am ignoring my h's needs. The truth be told, I am! How does one do both? His needs truly have to slide for awhile. BUT, you know what, so are mine! And that is a real eye-opener!<P>Last wknd we had a seminar on prayer at church and I realized that God is wanting me to get my eyes off of self and really back onto him. I have been so self-centered for so long. Self-centered in the sense of my insecurities in regard to my H. A healthy marriage leaves room for other things then the relationship, that is where I hope I am headed. I can't give my every waking hour to my marriage. There has to be balance to life and I hope I am headed toward that with the start of this new job.<P>So, back to my fear. It is not having control over my marriage. You know what, God wants it that way.<P>Blessings, Taj

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Last wknd we had a seminar on prayer at church and I realized that God is wanting me to get my eyes off of self and really back onto him. I have been so self-centered for so long. Self-centered in the sense of my insecurities in regard to my H. A healthy marriage leaves room for other things then the relationship, that is where I hope I am headed. I can't give my every waking hour to my marriage. There has to be balance to life and I hope I am headed toward that with the start of this new job.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Isn't that an amazing pill to swallow?? You still can leave love/thinking of you/lusting for you notes around for him to find in your absense to let him know that you also are affected by the busyness of your schedules, but just think, with each of you doing something else and then being able to share it with one another, adds fiber, so to speak, to the relationship when you do come together.<P>My dear H is experiencing tremendous anxiety right now (now isn't that a sweet way of saying he is being a real jerk-LOL) because I am not filling every waking moment of his life so that he doesn't have to deal with his stuff. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for these new gals who are joining us in this forum for helping me to keep focused on what my goal is and for encouraging me to recheck my steps to see if I am still on target for doing what I am doing. God is working on changing me-halleluah! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>So, back to my fear. It is not having control over my marriage. You know what, God wants it that way.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Boy, can I relate!!! The main pattern I am trying to break here right now is that when we have a disagreement, H institutes the silent treatment until he feels I have been punished enough or gets horney, whichever comes first, and then he will be kind enough until he gets what he wants and slides back into jerk mode. The disagreement is never brought back up, never resolved, never worked through and then he wonders why we keep ending back up on the same square we were on before. <B>SO...</B> God is challenging me to set a boundary to no longer allow this behavior to occur, that I have a responsibility on my part to not let this go anymore, no matter how my H responds, for we are not to let the sun go down on our anger, etc. My job then, when my H stops the silent treatment, is to calmly and respectuflly ask if he is now ready to continue the discussion that we were previously on... to no longer let the resentments and problems build. <P>Boy o howdy! What a circle it is...back to the silent treatment immediately, the yelling, which immediately stops the discussion as I am no longer remaining in the room where yelling occurs, etc. Trying to implement the "This hurts, let me think about this" policy before opening my mouth and sticking my foot in. Trying to see things from his perspective (tell me more about this, how does that play out from your perspective, etc) rather than responding defensively. Trying to immediately apologize if I can see where I have erred and then restate more clearly my position.<P>For example, I have become very aware recently that I fear my H's response (anger) if I say something, so rather than answer a question of his directly, I have, in the past, tried to soften his wrath by going around the answer in perhaps a less than honest way. In my mind, I thought I was providing room for discussion, compromise, etc. but in the end I realize that I was participating in the circle thing, in other words falling right into the dysfunctional trap that he has played out for his entire life with relationships. <P>So now, I am taking the fearful step of admitting to myself that this scares me, but I need to answer honestly with short answers, yes, no, etc. not make a lengthy discussion to justify my answer, recognizing that I do not need my H's approval for my answer, but I do owe him honesty even if he doesn't like the answer. Ugh! Such work!<P>Those two steps are really keeping me busy, but you know, I am having more peace with each answer, with each step of obedience to God. I am growing!<P>Glad to hear from you Taj! So that is my greatest fear I think. Someone else's response to my response. Failure to recognize that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that I have much to offer in spite of what others' say. Sounds corny I guess, but I have to learn more about being selfish, but it really isn't selfishness but more about acknowledging my worth in God's eyes, and acting upon that. Recognizing that I have value and that God is my judge and not others.<P>How are the rest of you doing? How can we pray for you through this journey time of vulnerability before the Lord in allowing Him to expose your weaknesses according to His light so that we can be changed to be the wives and women God wants us to be?<BR>

Hello, <BR>I read on a paper for finding God's will for our life that God answers our prayers in different ways, we need to listen to his voice, circumstances, others, our heart. It states that God will answer you if you listen for him. Well I think he answered my prayers on what to do with my situation with my husband. I am still confused thou.<BR>The circumstances are my husbands drinking, verbal abuse, physical abuse (little) and others (one of my friends, couselors)telling me that it is time to move on. So if this is God's choice for me, why am I not going? Why do I feel that I have to stay?

Lindykay,<P>Remember that the evil one also is an imposter and his voice can sound as sweet as the Lords at times. God hates divorce. The purpose of a separtion is to protect the love that you have remaining for your spouse, to allow some time for natural and logical consequences to occur, so that your spouse will experience what life would be like without you, so that God will work in his life and heart.<P>Friends and counselors may mean well, but if their encouragement for separation is anything less than for you to be strengthened so that you can continue fighting for your marriage, or that you have temporary safety if you feel unsafe, i.e. physical abuse, then perhaps you aren't going for the right reasons.<P>You also mentioned something in your first post that if you leave then you lose the physical comfort that your husband provides, meaning that if you leave, then you would have to go get a job, find daycare for your chidren, a place to live, assume responsibilities that you currently do not have to accept. etc. I don't know what skills you have developed for the job market, but often if we haven't had the opportunity to develop or gain academic skills, then the job we would be qualified for might not provide enough money to live on, much less live on comfortably. So I would guess fear and assuming responsibility for yourself and children might also hold you back.<P>There does come a point I think, where you really do have to look at your behavior and make some decisions and take some action. For example, we have suggested that you begin reading the boundaries thread and start answering some of the questions posted from the study guide. In the POPW thread, there also are some challenging questions for you to think and pray about and require some response from you. <P>If you do not assume responsibility to take control in those areas that you do have control in and can do something about, learning to be honest with yourself, learning where you are fearful, resentful etc. and make a conscious effort to change yourself as God leads you, then I suspect you are then falling into the sin of being the constant drip of the nagging wife that Proverbs talks about and the very support you desire will fade away as others turn their ears from you when they see that you only want to complain and don't really want solutions to the problems before you.<P>Have you ever asked Christ to be the Lord of your life? Asked Him to come into your heart and make you a new creation, to live and dwell with you and to teach you His ways? Have you realized that you are alienated from God for all eternity and that it is only through the gift of God, Christ dying on the cross that you would have access to the throne, that God does not hear your prayers otherwise? That God promises when we ask Jesus to come into our lives, that He will throw away our sins and make us clean and pure and holy and that He will never leave or forsake us?<P>That when we do ask Christ into our lives, then these things are true about you:<P>Who Lindykay is in Christ-<P>Lindykay is a child of the 'Everlasting Father'!<P>John 1:12 Lindykay is God's child<P>John 15:15 Lindykay is Christ's friend<P>Romans 5:1 Lindykay is justified in Christ<P>1 Corinthians 5:17 Lindykay is united with the Lord and one with him in spirit<P>1 Corinthians 6:20 Lindykay has been bought with a price, Lindykay belongs to God<P>1 Corinthians 12:27 Lindykay is a member of Christ's body<P>Ephesians 1:1 Lindykay is a saint<P>Ephesians 1:5 Lindykay has been adopted as God's child<P>Ephesians 2:19 Lindykay has direct access to God through the Holy Spirit<P>Colossians 1:14 Lindykay has been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins<P>Colossians 2:10 Lindykay is complete in Christ<P>Lindykay is Secure in Christ<P>Romans 6:1,2 Lindykay is free forever from condemnation<P>Romans 3:28 Lindykay is assured that all things work together for good<P>Romans 8:33,34 Lindykay cannot be separated from the love of God<P>2 Corinthians 1:21 Lindykay has been established, annointed and sealed by God<P>Colossians 3:3 Lindykay is hidden with Christ in God<P>Philippians 1:6 Lindykay is confident that the good work God has begun in her will be perfected<P>Philippians 3:20 Lindykay is a citizen of heaven<P>2 Timothy 1:7 Lindykay has not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind<P><BR>Hebrews 1:16 Lindykay can find grace and mercy in time of need<P>1 John 5:16 Lindykay is born of God and the evil one cannot touch her<P>Lindykay is Significant in Christ<P>Matthew 5:13,14 Lindykay is the salt and light of the earth<P>John 15:1,5 Lindykay is a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life<P>John 15:16 Lindykay has been chosen and appointed to bear fruit<P>Acts 1:8 Lindykay is a personal witness of Christ<P>1Corinthians 3:16 Lindykay is Gods temple<P>2 Corinthians 5: 1720 Lindykay is a minister of reconciliation<P>2 Corinthians 6:1 Lindykay is Gods coworker<P>Ephesians 2:6 Lindykay is seated with Christ in the heavenly realms<P>Ephesians 2:10 Lindykay is Gods workmanship<P>Ephesians 3:12 Lindykay can approach God with freedom and confidence<P>Phillipians 4:13 Lindykay can do all thing through Christ who strengthens her<P>taken from 'Living Free in Christ', by Neil Anderson<P>All of these things are true of you Lindykay if you have asked Christ into your life. If you already have asked Christ into your life, then you need to read and reread these truths until you believe them. If you have not asked Christ into your life, then perhaps today will be a new day for you and today will be the day you ask Christ into your life. It doesn't have to be some fancy prayer, just a heartfelt one. Something like I know that I am a sinner Lord and separated from you. But I also know that you allowed Jesus to be the bridge so that we would not be lost. Jesus, come into my heart and make me clean. Teach me and make me whole. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Dear LindyKay,<BR>I read your post and felt I should share with you a little. I have been married to my husband for 16 years. He is an alcoholic, still drinking. He has been a heavy drinker throughout our marriage, and along with that drinking comes the verbal, emotional and mental abuse, as well as physical abuse and adultery. I won't go into details so as to not shame my husband, but will say that things got so bad between us I would cry out to God why are you letting him get away with this??? <P>To make a very long story short, about 2 yrs ago my husband was drinking himself into oblivion every night, committing adultery, and coming home angry and being abusive. He was arrested for domestic violence. The Lord had all under His control though, and used what Satan intended for evil for His good and glory. Before my husband came home, I was given advice from many people who told me to basically get rid of the bum. But that small, still voice in my heart kept saying, "forgive, obey My word, honor the covenant of marriage, Trust Me". My husband came back and I found the Power of a Praying Wife, and it dramatically changed my life.<P>LindyKay, I was a contentious wife. No amount of yelling, belittling him for his drunkenness, or calling him a drunk did a bit of good. What did help was prayer. Lots of prayer. Our marriage went from one where my husband constantly said he wanted a divorce, couldn't stand me, hated me, etc... to one where we love each other, and are committed. No person could do this, it was the hand of God. <P>My husband is not a born-again Christian, however he is being greatly convicted by the Holy Spirit. There is tremendous power in prayer, and the Lord is faithful to fulfill His word. SueB's advice to you is wonderful. Don't listen to the lies of the enemy. Ask God to confirm His word to you and He will. Above all, examine your relationship with the Lord, and stay in prayer. The Lord will restore to his faithful servants "all that the locusts have eaten". <P>Don't despair LindyKay, there is Hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. He loves you so very, very much. Let Him help you. Look into God's Word for your answers. <P>God bless you LindyKay.<p>[This message has been edited by Alcoholic's Wife (edited January 20, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"When God speaks, some of us fail so to live as to understand the message that comes from eternity. I know some people say, 'Well, how can I so conduct my life as to be responsive to the messages from the unseen<BR>world?'<P>"There is an old illustration, a high school illustration, that bears on this subject. We may take a rod of soft iron, and place it with some iron filings, without apparently causing any change; the rod is not magnetic;<BR>but if we wrap that rod of iron with a wire carrying an electric current, it becomes a magnet. Though the rod has not changed, in shape and width and length, it has undergone a deep change. It has become changed so that<BR>it attracts iron filings or whatever else is subject to magnetic action. <P>Just so, if we, men and women, could wrap ourselves in obedience to God's law, live as we should live, a wonderful change is effected in us, and we, too, can then hear the messages of the unseen world."<P>John A. Widtsoe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Question 12. What fears surface when you realize God knows all your faults?</B><P>Facing our resentments and fear requires a great deal of courage. Our past tendency has been to shut down our feelings. In beginning to explore other areas of our life that we may have never explored before, it is important to realize that God is with us and will help us every step of the way. With God's help and understanding, the pain will diminish.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> 2CO 13:5 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you--unless, of course, you fail the test? [6] And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In the work you have done so far, have you discovered anything for which you need to ask your H to forgive you? Ask God to show you if there is anything for which you need to repent (attitude, an action, area of neglect, etc.) As he reveals it, write it down, and then write a prayer asking God to give you the courage, strength and humility to ask your H for forgiveness and to communicate a your love and a desire to change. POPW-Study guide, p.16<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It amazes me how well these two books seem to enhance one another. I just got through sharing with you in the fear dept. about how God has made me aware of how I dance around answers in fear of H response and how that sin really continues the dysfunction in the relationship. Of how God is strengthening me to go back to my husband, admit my dance and the reason why and then to restate my answer in a shorter, clearer form. I am amzed though that nearly each time my H speaks with me I experience this same desire for avoidance and I am so grateful to the Spirit for continually reminding me to stop and begin again.<P><B>Question 13. In what ways do you know that you have faith in Christ?</B><P>This girl has been running from her feelings for so long that it is only by the grace of God that I am here today. I really do cling to 2Cor. 4:18, "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal", knowing that I don't have the birdseye view of my life. It has been literally taking those baby steps of faith, going forward even though I may fear, that gives me courage to take the next one. If there was no faith, if there was no Christ, I would have been doomed long ago, for my ways (avoiding pain) are not the best ways.<P>Character traits assessments next....<P><BR>

Karenna, <P>What a wonderful example! God is the electric charge in us. Being wrapped in His love enables that obedience for change. Such a great word picture! Thanks for sharing!

FEAR AND FAITH........<P>Those questions go hand in hand for me. I know my faults are blatant before a Holy God. I also know that within me IS NOT the power to change or overcome them. So, as I lay face down before a Holy God who sees everything, I also know that He is the same God who wants me to be holy like Him. Scriptures says, "He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him." [Eph. 1:4]<BR>It also says, in me is "no good thing". I can reconcile that because I know that God is doing a work in my life to bring me to holiness. My only fear should be a insensitive spirit, one which does not respond to the conviction of the Holy Spirit.<P>Now all of that said, I am not intending to infer that I don't have any responsibility. I do, for the light that God has already given. So, I seek God to reveal His truth to me and to do a work of holiness in my life. I want Him to shine His light in every nook and cranny.......then clean house!<P>I know after alot of years walking with God that this is a process. I think we would all turn into a puddle on the ground if He revealed to us all of our faults at once. He is truly a God of mercy and grace. I am on a journey like "the Pilgrim" and like him I trust the Lord God for the progress.<P><P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

<B> Character Traits</B><P>Our strengths appear in behavior that has positive effects on us as well as on others. Our weaknesses are revealed in behavior that is destructive in ourselves and others. Before we can correct our problem areas, we need to acknowledge and examine both, strengths and weaknesses. Understanding how we became the people we are, how we formulated the ideas, beliefs and attitudes that govern how we act, involves honest consideration of the forces, influences and needs that developed our survival skills and molded our current character traits.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Consider the positive character strengths you may already possess in the following areas:<P><B>Emotional</B> Healthy feelings or affective responses to one's self and others (i.e. I am able to feel and express my love for my spouse and my children.)<P><B>Spiritual</B> The good ways one relates to God (i.e. I have a strong commitment to Jesus Christ.)<P><B>Relational</B> Positive and supportive interaction with others (i.e. I have a healthy friendship with XXXX)<P><B>Moral</B> Proper ethics and behavior in thoughts and actions (i.e. I have a clear conscience concerning my business affairs.)<P><B>Intellectual</B> Quality attention and energy devoted to mental activites (i.e. I devote time to reading and study)<P><B>Self-care/nurturing</B> Healthy concern for self (i.e. I take time to go fishing)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Question 14. What do you believe is your major strength? How does it support you?</B><P>Believe it or not I think I can answer this one! I think that God gave me my strong-willed spirit to be refined into a strength. Stubborness used by God creates tenacity and steadfastness to keep going in the midst of adversity. How often when my youngest adopted son displayed his inappropriate behaviors was I able to say to him that I was more stubborn than he was and that I was going to love him and stick like glue to him to make him do right. How many times did I want to give up on that kid and have therapists and judges say to me, "you can't save them all, only Jesus saves." Yes, Jesus saved him, but God also gave me to him for a mom for a reason. I got a call from him the other night. Grandchild #8 is due next month. Perhaps God is remindng me that my experiences with my son were to prepare me for the battle with and for my H. I was so discouraged yesterday morning. Pastor and I prayed together, my bible study prayed and my accountability partner and I prayed. I am renewed. I can go one more day. I made my airline reservations to be with my other son. Perhaps next trip, I will make a side journey to see my new grandchild and the son who God used to make me stronger.<P><B>Question 15. What do you believe is your major weakness? How does it hurt you?</B><P>Hmmm... was thinking through in my head about what a soft touch I am, a heart as big as gold, champion for the downhearted, sucker, easy prey....well, I had first thought maybe that setting boundaries was my weakness, but perhaps it goes deeper than that, to discernment flaws, the tendency not to be discerning in my relationships and how that sets me up for failure and much disappointment. The fallacy that I tend to live by that since God created us all, underneath all the garbage is the makings of a beautiful human being and we just have to dig for it, rather than recongizing that we are all sinners and by choice we ask God to change us into the sons and daughters that inherit the kingdom. Poor discernment skills lets me miss the usual safety things that I might have been supposed to be on the watch for, those red flags that call out warning...hmmm....hadn't thought of this before. Perhaps then that is why setting limits or boundaries are so hard for me. I can't believe that people actually treat other people as I have been treated, and as I know understand it, have allowed other people to treat me! Gotta think on this more.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.[b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>[b]Question 16. Toward whom or what do you feel bitterness, anger, rage, and other forms of malice?</B><P>This is another interesting question for me because I think for a long time, my father's perfectionism traits in me allowed only feelings turned inward, that is I wasn't allowed to feel those feelings outwardly so they went inwardly or were repressed, thinking somehow there was something wrong with mefor even thinking such a thing. Will talk more about repressed or inappropriately expressed anger next. <P>I hope you all are getting something out of this and thinking hard as I am. This step of honesty has really challenged me. I hadn't realized how much God needs to change me to become the wife my H needs.

As I was reading these tips from the New Life Clinic, I thought that perhaps we could turn them around and try and understand the angry people in our lives, including ourselves.<P>10 Ways You Can Overcome Anger<P>by Steve Arterburn<P>1. One of the key steps to overcoming anger is to identify the object of your anger. Many people who struggle with chronic anger aren't even sure what they're angry about. When you identify what you're angry about you can begin the process of dealing with it.<P>2. One of the goals of an angry person can be to draw attention to themselves. They often feel that negative attention is better than no attention at all. If you don't feel loved or needed, this may be a root cause of your anger.<P>3. Accept the fact that most things in the world are out of your control. If you try to continually control your family, friends or <BR>circumstances you will find the result frustrating.<P>4. The root of your anger may lie in a lack of forgiveness. If you've never forgiven someone who's hurt you, you're caught in a viscous trap that will ultimately destroy you.<P>5. Many who struggle with anger hate themselves. Self-hatred can be used as a tool to control your emotions. You may need to learn new skills to control your emotions in a positive way.<P>6. You may be angry about things your family or friends have done to you in the past, even decades ago. This is called residual anger. <BR>It is possible to resolve this anger and move on with your life, but you must be willing to spend time identifying the root of your problem and choosing to forgive those who have hurt you.<P>7. There are some legitimate physical causes for anger. If you suspect your problem may be related to a chemical imbalance in your <BR>body, be evaluated by a qualified psychiatrist.<P>8. In truth, no one can "make you angry," even though they can provoke you. You can control your response to people and <BR>circumstances.<P>9. There is a place for "righteous anger," when one of God's principles is violated. Scripture does admonish us to "not let the sun go down on our anger" though. In other words, when you feel angry, it is important to deal with it and move past it as soon as possible.<P>10. If you or a family member is struggling with anger issues, they're not likely to go away by themselves. It is necessary to identify the cause of the anger and take proactive steps to resolve it.<BR>

Thanks for that <A HREF="http://www.surrenderedwife.com" TARGET=_blank>www.surrenderedwife.com</A> link. That controlling nonrespectful wife describes my parents to a T. It was a dance of disfunctional equals. She had the power to make him something, but was too weak to give such respect.<P>Thankfully I never repeated the behavior with a man! I did consciously surrender exactly as she describes. That has got to be a big factor in where we are now! It is a lot easier.<P>I noticed when my mom was taking care of us last fall that I was doing exactly that behavior that she had done to my dad that is so well described in those two chapters. It was extremely hard to relinquish control of my home and car and family. She had to drive me everywhere and I was just a stinker. Should have just shut up and shut my eyes, except she needed directions on where things were. Grrr. <P>That was very stressful - being so controlling. <Never again!> It kind of feeds on itself, the more I would give instructions and criticize, the more I needed to. Both for my own soothing, and because she got more and more insecure and fearful of making a mistake. By the end of the month she was a quivering wreck in some ways. The monster I created.<P>One other thought. In my first marriage I went too much in the surrender direction. I didn't feel competent or admired because I gave ALL the financial decisions to my H, and he did it, and did not consider my dreams at all. They were flatly impossible. And I did not feel I deserved them so did not pursue them like I should have.<P>As soon as we split up I did obtain all those dreams I felt he had denied me. And as soon as he remarried, he gave them all to his new wife too!!! And more.<P>So there has to be a balance. I suspect a strong dose of respect and "surrender" coupled with POJA on anything you still feel is very important after getting good at shutting up and surrendering the things inside HIS boundaries. This really is still about boundaries, isn't it?<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited February 03, 2001).]

What I appreciated about the Surrenderwife link and the information provided was that I truly seemed to have a block about what respect looked like and I frequently have asked others to show me examples of how it would play itself out. The public humiliation stuff I never did so I couldn't get a handle on what it was that I did that was disrespectful. <P>Pastor and I had an interesting conversation this AM in that I feel more comfortable with the word "surrender" rather than the word "submission" and his male perspective was just the opposite. Whether it is the negative connotations that have followed the word submission over the years, I don't know, but to me surrendering seems more like a gift... what do you guys think?<P>And I have been pretty consistent in asking my H what he wants to do about this or that and after receiving numerous "I don't know" or non-action, I have taken the bull by the horns and made some decision. Now, in the last few months, I am not doing that. I am waiting until he does have an answer...sometimes waiting a long time...still am waiting for some in fact... but I think it fits more with the POJA... my H doesn't believe in the POJA, but he knows that I do and that is how I am going to operate from now on. Pretty interesting to see his responses on some things. It is getting better ladies... we will make it... praise God for His patience with us and His sense of humor.

Can we resurrect the Power of a Praying Wife study now? Last time we tried to pray through the book everyone else abandoned it when we got to a certain chapter that I shall not make the mistake of naming again. I would like to pray for my husband and grow again and more with all you wonderful sisters.

Okay, I will back you in resuming this study. Can you lead it for awhile Friend. I am up to my ears in emotions since stopping smoking and doing lots of growth work attached to the addiction.<P>And I know which chapter you mean and it doesn't do much for me, so you wouldn't get any input from me on it...smile.