Hi Ladies,<P>It is 2:16 am, and I am up -- pretty odd since my H is home tonight and in bed (he's been working graves -- three more weeks, I can do it, right? I hate it.). I went to bed with him, and couldn't sleep, feeling a need to come out and pray. That hasn't happened in a long while. I would have stayed in bed to pray, but I always end up sobbing, and tonight was no different.<P>I am going to truly put my thoughts here, and they will be a bit rambling, since it's late, I'm tired, and trying to get it all out. I could have written you all an email, but I wanted a record of this night. I think it's significant.<P>First of all, I have not let God be in charge of my life for so long that I can't remember the last time. I have been a poor example of a Christian in many ways. I'm not looking for a pat on the back or anything, it's just an observation that the Lord "ditto'd" for me during my prayer tonight. I don't feel that God said I was a loser or anything, just that I haven't been putting my energy where it belongs. <P>I have been posting all over these boards, albeit much less lately than ever before. One of the reasons I've cut back is because I'm sick of people who come here with no desire to repair their marriage. If they only knew that hell they'd face later if they don't really try -- that 20/20 hindsight, doncha know. Even then, there are regrets, missed opportunities. But that's not why I'm here to ask help for -- it's much bigger (and yet simpler) than that. <P>I need help to remain ONLY here, on this part of the forum, where it is safe, and God is in control. It's ugly out there... not just out there in the world, but out there on this forum. There's arguing and hatred and ugliness. I can't bear it anymore. I don't like who *I* am out there either. I find myself arguing with Christian thought because of how it's presented, which brings God's name down, you know?<P>But back to my prayer tonight: I came out originally to pray for my children. I was thinking about one of the last times I saw them, and the moment when they came up to the hotel room to meet my new H. They were so beautiful, and they were my babies... no matter how old they are. I miss them so much, and worry about them daily, hourly, minutely, if that's possible. I want them to be safe and happy, of course. As I began to pray, I realized that it's okay to miss them, and very normal. As I prayed, I felt that God was telling me that I did the best I could at the time (when I left) and that He is holding them in His hands. I need to let go and let God. (and frankly need to let David do his job too, as he is not some stranger I dumped my kids on, but their father). I prayed for David too, that he would find someone that allows him to be the Godly man is suppose to be. I realized that I might have been that person, but didn't follow the Plans (here on MB) well enough. Had I Plan B'd him (which I inadvertantly did, when I moved) it might have been enough. I know he's a different person since I moved. However, he is not my concern now, other than a lovely and not so lovely memory that I will cherish (despite some pretty ugly times) for the remainder of my life. <P>I prayed for my new H, who is my beacon here on earth. For my making a rash decision and laying my life in the lap of a virtual stranger, I could not have picked a better one. This man, *sigh*, is goodness through and through. God has blessed me with him. I don't know why, I didn't deserve it, and I don't think God "sent" me here, but he has blessed it nonetheless.<P>I still can't believe that my life is now here, in Canada, 4000 miles from the life I knew. So many things need to be done (like immigration stuff) and things have grinded to a halt somewhat. I am of the belief that everything happens for a reason, and I wonder if the reason is that there is "something" I need to learn or do to move forward. Perhaps it was my "crying out" tonight that needed to be done, I don't know. But it's a beginning.<P>I would like to ask for your help with several things:<P>First, your prayers, as always, for my children, and for me and my H. I need to be a godly wife and a Proverbs woman. I know God doesn't "like" second marriages, but I know He is a God of second chances. I know that since I am indeed legally married again, and also in the eyes of God it is so, that I need to consider this forever -- a lifetime committment. Pray that I can become what He would want me to be. <P>Also, please pray that the immigration stuff happens soon. <P>And of course, pray for my children, and a special prayer for my son, as he has an interview at a special school on Monday (I want him in it sooooo bad, as does his father and even he [my son] thinks it sounds like a new beginning).<P>Pray for my H, for him to feel God's touch in his life. He is "spiritual" and believes in Christ, but I don't want to push anything down his throat, or be overly zealous. <P>Pray for his children, who have a horrid life in many ways. I can't go into details, but they don't have it easy.<P>Finally, pray that I can stay away from places and people who hurt me. I have spent a lifetime grasping at straws to feel good. I am tired of grasping. I want to grab on and hold on to something solid. Of course, I want to hold on to God.<P>But also, that said, I am going to do my darndest to stay away from all other areas of this forum. It hurts my spirit too much not to do so. But (Satan?) is strong too, and some of those provocative topics sometimes lure me in also, esp. on the EN's forum. I believe in free speech, but there have been topics lately embarrass me, yet I get involved. I got all mixed up in the Recovery mess with the woman who slept with a priest, and I literally was sick over it. Pray that I stay here, and truly only here. I'll need strength.<P>Pray that we find a church. We've "almost" gone so many times, but "something" keeps us from getting there. I need some Christian lady friends badly.<P>I thank you all for your continued support, prayers and love. I singled you out because each of you have been instrumental in my healing (and yes, I do feel I have healed a lot, but have a ways to go) and feel that God's love shines through each of you.<P>Thank you, and God bless you,<P>Love, Sheryl<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited September 30, 2001).]

Hi Sheryl,<P>Sorry you are feel so down. It just seems that right now a war is being waged with our very spirts. Tony's sister lives in NYC and very close to the WTC. She is very depressed. I am not saying this to make you feel like you should not feel bad. I am using this as an example that a lot of people today are feeling the same as you. <P>I know how you feel about the other sections of this board. I have stopped really going to the other rooms myself. I just feel I have nothing left to give...I wish I did. Do not think for a minute you have to answer to everyone. Also in the title if I think it is going to cause me to get angry or sadden me I just do not read it.<P>You must understand that your children are grown except for you baby. Soon he too will be grown. I pray for them all the time. I think David will suprise you an what a good job he can do. I find I am a bit of a control freek at times and need to step back. You son needed this chance to get back into the real world so to speak. <P>I know Tony relied on his Mom for everything. When we first started dating is was like raising a child. Tony was not prepaired for life on his own. I see him still strugle with mundane things that I learned to deal with back in grade school. So I do not think it is a bad thing for him to learn in a school setting. But I will pray extra hard that he makes it into the special school. Becuase you are right he might need that more than a so called regual school.<P>I will also pray for your marriage. I will also pray for your immigration. I think you might want to take this time to learn to know you. Affairs and emotional abuse has a tendancy to nock all sense of self out the window. It is a hard strugle back. You have been given a gift of time. <P>I also promise to pray that God leads you to a church that will feed your soul.<P>You know you are loved just the way you are? I hope so...because I really do think you and the women on this board are super wonderful.

Hi Paha, and THANK YOU for the validation and prayers.<P>I so agree about my son needing to live in the real world (no, I know that isn't exactly what you said, but I think it fits with what you said re: Tony). This school he's interviewing with tomorrow will take the place of the Homebound Program, so that's a definate step in the right direction, I think.<P>I do admit to visiting the other forums today, although I only posted on a couple of threads that felt "safe"... In the rhelm of life, I guess that's not too bad. But you know how a thread can begin innocently enough and then I'm hooked.<P>I'm just alone and lonely so much of the time, and am bored with TV, read my head off already, write letters (I wrote one to each kid this evening already) and am eating too much because I'm bored. I already have the cleanest apartment in town!! I need people. I have always become friends with people I work with (easier becasue you know who they are and where to find them if they hurt you - what does THAT say about my penchant for finding friends who hurt me, eh? Sheesh) but I still can't work. <P>I wish I could discuss my H's son more, but don't dare here. It's so awful, and my H and I got into the first (kinda) fight of our relationship today - because of his son. It's a terrible situation. And, it's another Sunday I didn't get to church. I don't have a car, and don't have free reign to come and go as I please (because of that, and money issues, not my wonderful hubby). <P>Yeah, I guess I am sad. And there's a part of me that knows I sound like a whining baby. After all, I've kind of been given a gift -- the gift of time alone. I *know* this, yet can't grasp onto it.<P>I agree also that God has something in mind for me while I have this time. I just wish I knew what it was. I feel, seriously, like I know me pretty well. I know I can grow more because heck, life is all about learning, but I don't know what else to do. I tried to find a counselor, of course, there was a four month waiting list since I'm broke and have no insurance. Immigration keeps me from moving forward on that one too...<P>I feel lost. I hate this. Keep on praying, and thanks again for being my friend, Paha. <P>PS: I'm praying for you too...<P>Love, Sheryl<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited October 01, 2001).]

Hi Sheryl<P>I read this and didn't respond to you directly, but I lifted you up in prayer, and prayed for wisdom - so I would know what to say to you. I'm not sure still what to say, but I feel like Paha does - like there is a spiritual war going on within you.<P>To be blunt (and know I mean this with the deepest love) I believe that you have not allowed yourself to receive God's forgiveness! <P>Sheryl, we are all sinners. Whether we were the betrayed, betrayer, reconciled with our spouse or divorced and re-married - no matter what category we fall into, we are all sinners.<P>Look at Paul, our great apostle! He admits to being the chief of sinners. The first Christian martyr - Stephen, was killed at Paul's (then Saul's) command! Maybe he truly was the chief of sinners? I mean, he authorized the killing of the very first Christian! <P>I have a sermon from last Sunday that addresses this issue, Sheryl. Does God have perfect timing? Or what? !!! I'll paste it at the bottom of my post.<P>Sheryl, You are forgiven, and must constantly tell yourself that. It is my opinion that Satan is preventing you from doing the things that God would have you do, to move forward. I feel like God wants you to put the past behind you, because you are forgiven - and wants you to move forward. Really! I have thought this for the past year or so, every time I write to you, I felt like the Lord wanted me to tell you this. God has forgiven you, and you need to announce that to yourself. <P>Satan is going to put thoughts in your head about the past, and try to make you feel like you are a loser. YOU ARE NOT. You are CHOSEN, a royal priesthood, a daughter of the Lord God himself - not because of what you have done - bad or good, but because of what JESUS did for you! THAT IS THE ARGUMENT you have when those thoughts come to you. Pull down those thoughts in the NAME OF JESUS, and announce that you have been forgiven, and are a child of God, and that the Lord has called you to a bright future. TELL those demons that YOU KNOW that you have FAVOR before man and God, because of Jesus. SHERYL!!!! YOU DO! I FEEL SO STRONGLY THAT YOU NEED TO RECEIVE YOUR FORGIVENESS AND BELIEVE THAT GOD FAVORS YOU! It is incredible, that God is so gracious and good and merciful. Remind yourself daily of the love that God has for you, and when bad comes your way, ANNOUNCE IT OUT LOUD that you are a CHOSEN person, purely holy in God's sight because of Jesus. You have a clean slate, you have a future, God will bless your marriage, God will give the blessings of forgiveness, favor and salvation to your children, as well. He promises that. <P>When Satan tries to dupe you into believing that there is no hope for your children - you tell him that he is a liar. Tell him that you know that God promises salvation to your children, and that your children have an inheritance because YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD through Christ Jesus. <P>Sheryl, God will give you the gift of discernment, to know what to do - and when you are unsure - then stop until you know what to do. Come to that 4 way stop and pull over and pray. Thank the Lord that your steps are guided by him, and that you have the Lord going before you and behind you. Have faith Sheryl. God loves you and you are going to be okay. And so are your kids. And so will your marriage. God will help your husband as well, so keep him in your prayers. <P>May God seal the Holy Spirit in and ON Sheryl, that she may truly realize that she is worthy of all of God's blessings, not by what she has done, but by what Jesus has done. <P>In Jesus Name! Amen<P>***LCMS WORLD MISSION<BR>The Global Gospel Outreach of<BR>The Lutheran Church--Missouri Synod<BR>**************************************<P>"Edit-O-Earl-a devotional reading based on the lectionary"<BR>Edit-O-Earl for Seventeenth Sunday after Pentecost, Year C<BR>Exodus 32:7-14; First Timothy 1:12-17; Luke 15:1-10<P>**************************************<BR>NOTE: The Web version of "Edit-O-Earl"<BR>features the email version of this<BR>devotion plus an archive of previous issues. <A HREF="http://www.lcmsworldmission.org/lectionary/index.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.lcmsworldmission.org/lectionary/index.htm</A> <P>"A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing"<P> Mary Sherry gave her Newsweek article the eye-catching title, "In<BR>Praise of the F Word." Mary Sherry wrote: "There is a way for teachers<BR>to show who holds the winning hand in the classroom. That is to reveal<BR>the trump card of failure.<BR> "I will never forget a teacher who played that card to get the<BR>attention of one of my children. Our youngest, a world-class charmer,<BR>did little to develop his intellectual talents but always got by...until<BR>Mrs. Stifter.<BR> "Our son was a high school senior when he had her for English. 'He<BR>sits in the back of the room talking to his friends,' she told me. 'Why<BR>don't you move him to the front row?' I urged, believing the<BR>embarrassment would get him to settle down. Mrs. Stifter looked at me<BR>steely-eyed over her glasses. 'I don't move seniors,' she said. 'I<BR>flunk them.' I was flustered. Our son's academic life flashed before<BR>my eyes. No teacher had ever threatened him with that before. I<BR>regained my composure and managed to say that I thought she was right.<BR>By the time I got home I was feeling pretty good about this. It was a<BR>radical approach for these times, but, well, why not? 'She's going to<BR>flunk you,' I told my son. I did not discuss it further. Suddenly<BR>English became a priority in his life. He finished the semester with an<BR>A."<P> Mrs. Stifter's words, "I don't move seniors. I flunk them," caught my<BR>attention the moment I read them. Our present society suffers from an<BR>overindulgent self-denial that has placed the blame for virtually every<BR>evil on some non-entity, allowing us to avoid any responsibility for our<BR>own behavior. The student's problem was not the seating arrangement or<BR>even his talking. The problem was that he was flunking English. There<BR>is a tendency today to flunk the seating arrangement, blame it for the<BR>student's behavior and pass him on.<P> It is one thing to discover reasons behind poor behavior. It is<BR>entirely something else to excuse and accept the behavior because some<BR>reason can be found for it. Knowing what makes our diapers stink does<BR>not sweeten their odor one tiny bit. In exactly the same way, when our<BR>behavior stinks it's time to make a change.<P> You may think that the above analogy is a little disgusting, but it<BR>came to me recently when the situation actually occurred. One of the<BR>most darling little girls you could ever imagine had that accident that<BR>comes to those her age. She was toddling around, being watched at some<BR>distance by her mother. I saw her and wanted immediately to talk to<BR>her, pick her up, cuddle and love her. She was adorable. I approached<BR>her and, even from some distance, found her odor to be unbearable. I<BR>was about to tell her mother of her predicament when I saw her continue<BR>to toddle toward a small cluster of adults, all standing and talking to<BR>each other.<P> I confess at least a tiny bit of devilishness, because I chose to wait<BR>until I saw their reaction. One member of the group saw her and started<BR>to respond to the delightful charm of her smile and marvelously<BR>twinkling eyes. Just then, the air must have shifted and the entire<BR>group separated. No one mentioned the odor. They excused themselves<BR>and headed off to "see someone else" or whatever. I suppressed the<BR>outburst of laughter that was raging inside of me. Eventually, of<BR>course, her mother sensed the problem and ushered her off to effect a<BR>cure.<P> The odor was so offensive that the poor little one could not have<BR>helped noticing it and wishing it would go away, but her infantile<BR>naivete prevented her from knowing the source. At that moment, every<BR>place she went smelled horrible. She couldn't escape it like the<BR>others. She also couldn't do anything about it. Eventually, it would<BR>have made her terribly uncomfortable and unhappy, but all the crying in<BR>the world would not have changed it.<P> Foul behavior in adults is more similar than we care to admit. Denying<BR>that it is foul accomplishes nothing. Refusing to recognize that we are<BR>at fault changes nothing. Falling into a heap of guilt and tears helps<BR>nothing.<P> In Sunday's Epistle lesson, St. Paul calls himself the "worst of<BR>sinners." He openly admits to having been a blasphemer, a persecutor<BR>and a violent man. He says that he acted in ignorance and unbelief, but<BR>that is no excuse. He is still the one who acted. Then, God acted.<P> There are two very dangerous misconceptions of God. The first is that<BR>He is such an angry and wrathful God that we have to be afraid at every<BR>step we take. The second is that because God loves us anything we do is<BR>just fine with Him. The first eliminates God's love altogether. The<BR>second confuses it with indifference. There are plenty of people who<BR>will tell you that we get the one idea from malicious and punitive<BR>parents and the other from overindulgent parents. I'm here to tell you<BR>that we get them both from the same place Paul got his ideas--from<BR>ignorance and unbelief--in a word, from sin.<P> Let's imagine what these gods might do to the persecutor and murderer,<BR>Saul of Tarsus. Looking at him, we see a ravenous wolf, ravaging and<BR>devouring the sheep of God. The god of wrath would cancel his ticket.<BR>Some way or another, Saul would be horribly punished. The god of<BR>pseudo-love would either ignore him or excuse and "understand" him: he<BR>was taught incorrectly as a child; he thinks he's doing the right thing;<BR>he doesn't know any better; he's a product of his environment.<P> In reality, the Good Shepherd sees something entirely different from<BR>what we see. He sees a parabolic incongruity--a sheep in wolf's<BR>clothing. Saul is not a wolf at all. He is one of the Shepherd's<BR>sheep, lost, alone and in danger from the real wolves. His behavior,<BR>far from being ignored or excused, grieves the Shepherd to the heart of<BR>His eternal being. The Shepherd goes out to find His lost sheep and<BR>bring him home.<P> When the persecutor learns the error of his ways, he is dumfounded--not<BR>by his ignorance and unbelief, but by the extravagance of God's mercy.<BR>Saul becomes Paul, not because God was either wrathful or indifferent,<BR>but because Paul faced the depravity of his own behavior and saw it<BR>absorbed into the profundity of God's forgiveness and the enormity of<BR>His love. Paul did not make the mistake of confusing forgiveness with<BR>indifference, love with complaisant indulgence or mercy with permissive<BR>tolerance.<P> We know the name of at least one of Jesus' sheep who died as a direct<BR>result of Saul's persecution. He was Stephen. What do you suppose the<BR>parents and friends of Stephen did when they learned that Jesus had not<BR>only forgiven the persecutor, but also called him into service as Paul<BR>the Apostle? Let us not be so naive as to believe they threw a party to<BR>celebrate it. But, in Sunday's Gospel lesson, Jesus tells us that we<BR>can be sure that there was such a party in heaven!<P> My guess would be that Stephen's relatives and friends eventually<BR>joined in the rejoicing when they saw the powerful results of God's<BR>powerful grace and mercy active in the great Apostle. Paul may have<BR>considered himself to be the worst of sinners, but which of us is less a<BR>sinner than he? Which of us has received less mercy, forgiveness, grace<BR>and love from the Good Shepherd who laid down His life for us, His<BR>sheep? Which of us has less power from Him to become what we and no one<BR>else ever dreamed we could be?<P> This Sunday's Gospel lesson is two out of three parables that Jesus<BR>told--in a row--with essentially the same point. The third story is the<BR>best known. Maybe it is good that this lesson concentrates on only the<BR>first two. The lesson begins with the all-important, in this case<BR>essential, setting. The Pharisees noticed that tax collectors and<BR>sinners were gathering around Jesus in order to get a chance to hear His<BR>teaching. More importantly, Jesus did not mind--He did not maintain<BR>even a semblance of "professional distance" from these unclean people,<BR>to say nothing of avoiding them for the sake of ceremonial cleanliness.<BR>He was guilty of the Pharisees' accusation: "This man welcomes sinners<BR>and even eats with them."<P> In response to their accusation, Jesus told the three parables. He<BR>began each of the first two by saying, "Suppose...." In the first case,<BR>we are to suppose that a shepherd with 100 sheep would leave 99 alone in<BR>the open country in order to seek and find one that was lost. Then we<BR>are to suppose that, when he found it, he would throw the party of the<BR>century over the return of one sheep that was so dumb it got lost on the<BR>way to lunch!<P> In the second story, we are to suppose that a woman who lost one of ten<BR>coins would turn her entire house upside down in order to find it. Then<BR>we are to suppose that she would throw the party of the century over the<BR>return of that one, relatively small-change coin.<P> If these are stories that tell us about God constantly seeking and<BR>searching for the lost, then they sure portray a reckless and impulsive<BR>God! Have you ever wondered how many coins the woman's party cost her?<BR>Have you ever thought about Sheep Number 17? Was Sheep Number 17<BR>slaughtered for the banquet to celebrate the return of lost-but-found<BR>Sheep Number 100?<P> Jesus is our "Sheep Number 17." He died so that we might live. He is<BR>risen and He invites us to His banquet! Others are still lost...you and<BR>I must find and bring them to the party.<P>++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++<BR>

Hi TnT,<P>Honey, this response is so BIG (emotionally) that I need some time to think, re-read, chew on and digest it!! <P>I promise to get back to you soon - perhaps tomorrow since my H has today off (I love it!!)...<P>Love you,<P>Sheryl

Hey Sheryl,<P>I pray for you daily, but I will gladly add thoses specific things you mentioned.<P>Also, remember that you DO have some Christian lady friends! We just wish we lived closer!<P>Love you, you know?<P>Peppermint

Hi Sheryl<P>It's 3 am Minnesota time - and I was just checking to see how you are doing - and you must be just fine, because you haven't written all day! <P>I am up so early because I have to write a report and an essay for school, and want to be finished before 1 pm today. Did ya hear that MN state workers are on strike? I am incuded in the bargaining unit, but not in the union.... I'm still only a temporary worker who hasn't really been there that long - I was a volunteer through Aug. 14th - so I'm not on the picket line. Besides, my foot is still pretty messed up and I wouldn't be able to do a picket line - it has been messed up since April.<P>Well, I'm rambling, just want you to know that you have a buddy out here in North MN. <P>God Bless You!<BR>TnT

Good Morning Ladies <P>Peppermint, yes, you are right, of course, I do have some Christian lady friends... and yes, I do wish you were closer (as in physically) for hugs and stuff, ya know? But yes, I do feel loved, and thank you.<P>TnT,<P>I wrote you a little something above, see?? ^^^ I didn't ignore you, honest!! <P>You have written such an emotionally moving message to me, and I didn't want to give a simple "thanks" pat answer. <P>Yes, there is a spiritual war going on inside me, and add to that a dash of emotional war, and oh, why not!, a bit of physical war too. I feel like my entire life is at odds with my body. There is SO MUCH going on, and I know I *should* be feeling somewhat at peace now, but instead things seem worse, for the most part.<P>If David did his part in raising our son, I mean really TRIED, then maybe I could rest about him, but I can't. He sabatoged the interview with the school because he didn't want to drive our son there (it's 5 miles out of his way)... that's the bottom line with our son. He's not worth the trouble, whatever "the trouble" is. So, he'll go back on Homebound school, never to get out into society. What a &%$# experiment in futility. He did all this (sent him back to public school) without my input and without the proper tools (because he didn't have my input) and my son has had his emotions, and indeed his sanity, jacked all over the place. I am VERY angry about this. Will David talk to me about it? No. He simply won't answer the phone.<P>David. I don't even know where to begin. Besides this stuff with our son, there's so much more. SO MUCH. All I can say is that my emotions regarding him over the months have gone from continued remorse to anger at how he's handling the household and kids, to shock when I find out that although he had no money for food for the kids, he did have $6,000 saved, to realization that he was an emotionally/verbally abusive husband, to pain so excruciating as I wondered if I'd left too soon - maybe he would have changed, maybe this time... and then realizing that no, he never would have changed, because I was never worth the trouble. <P>Not worth it. THAT'S why I have a hard time forgiving myself, I don't think *I'm* worth it.<P>Now, thankfully, I have this lovely new H, who thinks I'm God's gift to mankind. Oh, that it would be enough. <P>Okay, so I need therapy. Can't get it. My H and I are living with smoke and mirrors financially. It's called plastic rich, money poor. I can't work to contribute until immigration completes. Isn't happening. Will take three months from the time we send in final docs, haven't gotten back all info yet (fingerprint reports)... it will be 2002 before I can work. I am dead weight here. <P>Yeah, I have a self-esteem problem. Is it any wonder?<P>So, the past and present swirls together - I can't even begin to see the future.<P>I think I *can* forgive my past, except the past keeps rising up to bite me. My son, for example... if he could just live a day being "heard", and not just by me over the phone... I think I could go forward. I feel so very bad about leaving him there -- I trusted David, I believed him when he said he'd "shine" and be the parent he was meant to be. Instead, he's so busy trying to find his latest piece of a$$ that he's ignoring everything else.<P>Oh, this is getting long, and I suppose it sounds like the rantings of a mad woman, eh? Sheesh.<P>In all this, yes, I know that God forgives and has a healing touch. Believe me, I have prayed sincerely and fully that God would hold me and my loved ones in His hands. I have talked, at length, to my H about all this. Last night I tried to explain how I need to get right with God. He thinks I need to cut myself some slack. Sound familiar?<P>I am working on all of it, trying to find a way to lean on God without taking back the control. I do hear that I am forgiven, but that doesn't take away the consequences of my actions (esp. my son's difficulties, which he faces basically alone). <P>All I know for sure is that before I left, I spent many hours in my bedroom in prayer, and in tears. I begged God to heal my (then)marriage, but stupid personal choice ( ) got in the way, and the marriage was not to be saved. It got worse, and worse, and my entire life was one big ick. <P>So, I meet my (now)H, move her after six months of agonizing and therapy (alone and with the kids), and silly me, I expected to find some kind of peace. Not to be found. Because I know that whatever was wrong INSIDE OF ME is STILL THERE.<P>Hard pill to swallow. <P>All these lives in the balance -- it's not like I could ever have just gone back to see if it would be better. I had no job, no home, no car... I'd given it all up to come here. I *thought* of it, esp. at the beginning, but kept remembering that I'd given David so many chances, and the kids *are* older, and we *did* have therapy where they TOLD ME they wanted me to move... my middle daughter even told me that if I came back, she'd kick my butt back to Canada. They felt very strongly that this is where I belong.<P>All these lives -- even our cat, who loves me, and my H's kids, who have enough turmoil in their lives (loooooooong story). <P>All these lives, including mine. And I am not at peace. <P>And of course, my H. <P>My H who has given his life to me, has loved me, has nurtured me, has supported me, has watched me crumble, rise up, and crumble again. This man who has made a committment to me, in marriage, despite the fact that I am so mixed up. I thank God for him.<P><I>One final note: I know in writing, it sounds like I am depressed. I assure you, I am not, not in the clinical "no joy in life" way. I do find joy in sunshine, in our cat, in making love to my H, in a happy story from one of the kids... this is truly not something that requires medication. Therapy yes, not meds. I've been there before, this isn't it. I have talked to my doctor about it as well, and I layed it in her hands... she felt that it was not clinical. </I><P>It's spiritual. That's the bottom line. That's why I'm here.<P>Love, Sheryl<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited October 02, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>TnT,<P>I wrote you a little something above, see?? ^^^ I didn't ignore you, honest!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR>Yes, Sheryl. I have been checking on you for a couple of days now - but sometimes I don't know what to write! Please don't think I am ignoring you, I just am sometimes at a loss for words. Not that your situation is unsolvable, but I want the Lord to give me wisdom when I respond to you!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, there is a spiritual war going on inside me, and add to that a dash of emotional war, and oh, why not!, a bit of physical war too. I feel like my entire life is at odds with my body. There is SO MUCH going on, and I know I *should* be feeling somewhat at peace now, but instead things seem worse, for the most part.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>When I have been in a spiritual war, I have been attacked at every angle at one time. Sometimes it is one thing at a time that gets resolved - but the attack comes hard and is at every angle. That is why I believe strongly that this is EXACTLY what you are going through. And, I believe also, that spiritual wars can be won - but it takes COMMITMENT to seek the solution (Jesus) and to take your eyes off the problem (circumstance). <P>The first part in fighting back through Jesus in a spiritual war is recognizing it. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If David did his part in raising our son, I mean really TRIED, then maybe I could rest about him, but I can't. He sabatoged the interview with the school because he didn't want to drive our son there (it's 5 miles out of his way)... that's the bottom line with our son. He's not worth the trouble, whatever "the trouble" is. So, he'll go back on Homebound school, never to get out into society. What a &%$# experiment in futility. He did all this (sent him back to public school) without my input and without the proper tools (because he didn't have my input) and my son has had his emotions, and indeed his sanity, jacked all over the place. I am VERY angry about this. Will David talk to me about it? No. He simply won't answer the phone.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Sheryl, first things first. Let's start with TRUTH, TRUTH over circumstance.... I will explain later, but first you need to recognize that JESUS can change all of this. He really can. It isn't going to be YOU that changes it. God will demonstrate to you HIS power, he doesn't want you to recognize your power or David's power - He wants you to know HIS power. He has already had a victory over SIN, DEATH and the DEVIL. We don't wage spiritual war over people, but over Satan and principalities. David is NOT your enemy. SATAN is. He wants to destroy your family, and you. Do you understand that? He hates you, and he knows that God is ready to intervene on your behalf. He wants to get you to focus on the problem, and not the solution. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>David. I don't even know where to begin. Besides this stuff with our son, there's so much more. SO MUCH. All I can say is that my emotions regarding him over the months have gone from continued remorse to anger at how he's handling the household and kids, to shock when I find out that although he had no money for food for the kids, he did have $6,000 saved, to realization that he was an emotionally/verbally abusive husband, to pain so excruciating as I wondered if I'd left too soon - maybe he would have changed, maybe this time... and then realizing that no, he never would have changed, because I was never worth the trouble.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>David is human, and he is a sinner too. He betrayed you in every aspect - this is true. He has done everything to hurt you. I know you are an extremely genuine and sincere person, and he hurt you so bad. It hurts to be hurt! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Not worth it. THAT'S why I have a hard time forgiving myself, I don't think *I'm* worth it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Well, you have believing lies long enough. YOU ARE WORTH IT. If you were the last person here on earth, Jesus would still come to earth to die for you, so that you could join him in heaven and be reconciled to the Father. If you were the last person on earth, and he didn't come to pay your penalty of sin, you would perish in hell no matter how sorry you were. Being sorry that you sinned isn't going to save you, it is ACCEPTING that Jesus paid that price, and realizing that YOU ARE WORTH IT TO HIM! And that is all that counts. It is okay to be humble - and necessary. But it is WRONG and a SIN to say that what Jesus did doesn't count! Be careful, is this what you are saying, when you say that you are not worth it - that what Jesus did wasn't enough?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Now, thankfully, I have this lovely new H, who thinks I'm God's gift to mankind. Oh, that it would be enough.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR>God is sooo good, and he is the God of Love and the God of Peace and Mercy and Justice. He has given you love through Jesus, friends, children and now a husband. Don't let Satan destroy your peace that is yours, no matter what your circumstance. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Okay, so I need therapy. Can't get it. My H and I are living with smoke and mirrors financially. It's called plastic rich, money poor. I can't work to contribute until immigration completes. Isn't happening. Will take three months from the time we send in final docs, haven't gotten back all info yet (fingerprint reports)... it will be 2002 before I can work. I am dead weight here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I can't help but think about the woman who had nothing but debt, and she was given all the oil that she needed to pay her debts - miraculously....<BR>I can't help but remember how broke I have been in my life, and even on welfare when Mike left me, but somehow miraculously my house payment was higher than my cash assistance.... and my house payment was never behind and I did not cheat the welfare department! So I KNOW that God can fix this problem too. He has to fix your THINKING first! Your first thinking problem to be fixed is to stop believing Satan's lies! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yeah, I have a self-esteem problem. Is it any wonder?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>That is going to go away - because you are going to confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that you are worthy to be called a child of God, because of what Jesus did on the cross. And, He will continue to demonstrate to you His power, authority and love for you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So, the past and present swirls together - I can't even begin to see the future.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Don't look back, look forward. You will not be swirling back and forth any longer, Sheryl. You will decide that the past is as if it happened to another person, and not you. You are a new creature, in Christ Jesus.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I think I *can* forgive my past, except the past keeps rising up to bite me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> No, that isn't your past that is rising up to bite you, that is Satan throwing it in your face and you believing that you are not forgiven by God. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My son, for example... if he could just live a day being "heard", and not just by me over the phone... I think I could go forward. I feel so very bad about leaving him there -- I trusted David, I believed him when he said he'd "shine" and be the parent he was meant to be. Instead, he's so busy trying to find his latest piece of a$$ that he's ignoring everything else.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>We are not going to stop praying for your son. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Oh, this is getting long, and I suppose it sounds like the rantings of a mad woman, eh? Sheesh.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>you're not alone, I've been there done that!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In all this, yes, I know that God forgives and has a healing touch. Believe me, I have prayed sincerely and fully that God would hold me and my loved ones in His hands.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>YES HE WILL, AND NOW YOUR ARE TALKING LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have talked, at length, to my H about all this. Last night I tried to explain how I need to get right with God. He thinks I need to cut myself some slack. Sound familiar?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Nothing that you can do to get right with God, Jesus already did it. All you have to do is accept it and believe it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am working on all of it, trying to find a way to lean on God without taking back the control. I do hear that I am forgiven, but that doesn't take away the consequences of my actions (esp. my son's difficulties, which he faces basically alone).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>MERCY can take away the consequences of actions..... JESUS paid the price of ALL sin - so God's JUSTICE is our MERCY!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>All I know for sure is that before I left, I spent many hours in my bedroom in prayer, and in tears. I begged God to heal my (then)marriage, but stupid personal choice ( ) got in the way, and the marriage was not to be saved. It got worse, and worse, and my entire life was one big ick.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>There is a Bible verse in the old testament that says something like - 'my people die for lack of knowledge'..... Satan wants you to be ineffective, and wants to keep you in the dark about the power of God over your life, to keep you immobilized and to keep you thinking that you deserve a rotten life. You have been 100% forgiven, and blessed by God, because of what Jesus did - so SATAN IS A LIAR! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So, I meet my (now)H, move her after six months of agonizing and therapy (alone and with the kids), and silly me, I expected to find some kind of peace. Not to be found. Because I know that whatever was wrong INSIDE OF ME is STILL THERE.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Jesus is your solution. He wants you to renew your mind - Get into HIS WORD! B I B L E!!! Have you ever heard Joyce Meyers? Life in the Word ministries... She comes on at 6 am here in MN via satellite on TBN and on the WORD channel. <P>.....<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's spiritual. That's the bottom line. That's why I'm here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>That is why I think God let me stay here too.... <P>Lord God, I pray that Sheryl's eyes are opened to your spiritual truths, and that you would help her to see that you love her incredibly, and that you would do anything for her, even die for her. Lord God, If you were willing to die for Sheryl, I know that the rest of this is a piece of cake. Thank you Lord, for loving Sheryl and her family, and promising your blessings for her and her children, In JESUS NAME.... Amen<P><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited October 03, 2001).]

I got part of this from Plec's post on the prayer request forum. It fits!<P>It is originally from rejoice ministries - standers. Standers is for restoration of marriage, but standers can also be those that are fighting a spiritual war.<P>The message is about Satan trying to get us to acquire the virus nick named the "D" Strain.<P>Here is the excerpt that follows:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The good news is that God has provided a vaccine to protect you against each and every element of the "D Strain." We beg you to please look these up, learn them, memorize them. Post them on your mirror, so that when the enemy sprays your home, you will be protected by God's Word:<P>DOUBT - "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him."<BR>Mark 11:23<P>DESPAIR - "and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair," Isaiah 61:3<P>DIVISION - "So that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should its parts should have equal concern for each other."<BR>I Corinthians 12:25<P>DEFEAT - "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13<P>DISTRUST - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and, he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6<P>DISTRACTION - "But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made...."Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:40,41-42<P>DISPUTE - "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out." Proverbs 17:14<P>DISCOURAGEMENT - "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15<P>DECEIT - "Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:16-17<P>DEVOURING - "If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." Galatians 5:15<P>DEMANDS - "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9 <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>God Bless you Sheryl!<BR>TnT<BR><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited October 03, 2001).]

Hey TnT,<P>I'm gonna print out your last entry here, great stuff! It's a nice starting place for Bible study.<P>Listen (not that you weren't ), I have had exactly two hours sleep, which will make me either sound like a first class boob or highly intelligent, I'm not sure. Between my H's crazy hours and this couple who moved upstairs, my sleeping has been interrupted and thwarted more hours than not. Add to that the outside stressors, and some recurring physical problems of mine, and my H's recurring physical problems (which may well land him in the hospital soon - he'll find out by Tuesday) and it's no wonder I find it hard to "let go and let God"... <P>Let me tell you about this apartment. It's gorgeous, to begin with. It was built in the 50's, beautiful crown moldings... big windows... and wood floors under the carpet, which we didn't know till we moved in. It ends up that the apt. is over the Super's which was okay, because we know how quiet we are and knew they'd be quiet too. <P>The second night we were here, we were talking in bed at 11:30 pm and the phone rings. It's the Super's, the man to be exact, and he's hemming and hawing about how it's bad enough that the floor squeeks, but he can't stand the sound of our voices. I had answered the phone, and said, "You mean we can't even talk in bed?" and he said yes, it is true, we can't even talk in bed. I become afraid to even move in the apt., and am walking on eggshells. The Super's wife gets me aside and says she's sorry, she was very embarrassed about his call, but he's the boss. At the about same time, our very loud upstairs neighbors announce they will move in two months. So, they basically don't care how loud they are and it feels very unfair that we have to live without making any noise at all while they can be as loud as they want. <P>My H sees the owner of the building one day, and talks him about it all. He says, "figure it out yourself" ... "get a broomstick"... "I don't care"... In the meantime, we don't have the money to move, so we lay low, be as quiet as possible (ridiculously so) and wait. The new neighbors move in, and wouldn't you know it - WORSE!! Oh, I can't even describe how LOUD these people are!! <P>So, why did I say all that? Because there is turmoil here, in my life, from TOP TO BOTTOM. I can't even sit here in my own apartment in peace. I know you talk about finding peace with God. In theory I understand it. In practice, I don't. I've been a born-again Christian since I was 15 years old, and there were years of peace with God, as there were years of turmoil. I do not blame God, I blame my circumstances. <P>I know that Satan jumps in where he can to stir up trouble. He is probably doing it with this apartment. But in the meantime, I struggle with this very real sleep deprivation and stress due to something I (again) have no control over.<P>And the funniest (Not really) part of this is that RIGHT NOW it is quiet. Perfect time to go back to sleep, right? But I can't sleep now. It's too light (and I already have a dark sheet over the curtains, but it's soooo bright) and all the noises of daytime are now here (we live on a somewhat major street). I am miserable. <P>All that seems small compared to the continued problems with my son (and my God, I could write a book about that alone) and with my daughters (yes, there's new things with both of them). <P>Yes, I MUST leave them in God's hands, and I try, but they are my children, and of course, it's so hard not to think of them every waking hour. Yes, I pray, yes, I lay them at the alter. Yes, I know God is watching out for them and holding them in His Hands (my daily prayer). <P>I will pull down those Bibles I brought, TnT, and I will begin to study them again. It's been years since I did a real study. I know it will help me feel closer to God. Whether it will help me sleep, help me not worry about my children, help my H to heal without surgery, help me to stop having my physical problems... remains to be seen.<P>I don't mean to be such a downer -- I know it must seem otherwise. I would LOVE to come here with some fantastic PRAISE REPORT and say glowing things about my life. Oh, that it were so!!<P>Notice that this is not a message of "I'm so stupid" or "unworthy"... I *am* beginning to understand the concept that although I am unworthy of mercy, as we all are, God's love, mercy and peace are available to me.<P>I think I am moving forward... s-l-o-w-l-y. <P>Keep praying, and thank you so much for your Bible study helps in both this and the other thread you brought up.