Friday night comes, and husband is pretty adament about going out to the bar (I HATE THAT LIFESTYLE) to sing karaoke. I hate to do that too, but - decide to go along and meet his needs for recreational companionship.<p>All is going okay. SIL is there and SD. So who walks in? OW. She is prancing around the bar and definitely trying to get my husbands attention, she even finally comes over to our table. <p>So I warn H - Here SHE comes, and I want you to ignore her and look the other way so I don't have to deal with her. He moves my chair a little closer to his, is still acting all happy like nothing is wrong. I am P.O'd!!! BIG TIME. I ask him to let's go. Waitress comes over and he orders himself another beer. UGGH. So finally here comes OW. <p>SIL and SD had walked away from our table leaving just H and I. I looked at him, and he's trying to act like nothing is wrong. OW is standing in front of our table raising her arms, yelling "whoo hoo" and shaking everything she's got. H is trying to pay attention to me, so that I don't throw a fit, but he is also not ignoring OW. <p>So then she asks me if she can use the pen that was on our table. I make NO eye contact, look at husband. He's acting non-chalant again, like she hasn't been standing there in front of him for the previous 10 minutes.<p>I hand her the pen without any eye contact, she says thanks. I don't say that she is welcome, I REFUSE to acknowledge her presence. It is driving her nuts so she starts parading again.<p>Suddenly, all the songs on the slips that my husband has filled out but not turned in is suddenly missing. She is standing in front of the DJ (right in front of us) and going through the basket of the song requests. I Just had this awful feeling that he had filled out "lost in the 50's tonight" (I suspect that is a special song for him for someone outside of our marriage - this may not be just the only OW, ya know) and I am getting madder and madder and madder. <p>He gets up and walks to the restroom so OW walks away from our area. (duh, so obvious is it sickening.)<p>He comes back, and orders ANOTHER beer, and I said "look, I want to go home NOW." He denies ordering a beer. (I want to spit in his face now.) Here comes a waitress with a beer, and now OW is standing in the corner behind the DJ, only 5 feet away from us. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE THAT CAN SEE HER - she is on the side of DJ, in the corner, and my back is to her and my husband can watch her stand there and dance like a pig slut. There is no one else that can see her EXCEPT him.<p>FINALLY the DJ announced it is over, and by that time my husband has another beer. I put my coat on and he has to go to the bathroom, so I decide to go to bathroom. Suddenly, OW is missing.<p>So I wait for him, and he doesn't come out. So then I go outside in front of the door and I look over at my car and OW IS SITTING IN MY CAR with my SIL! Unbelievable. I was even madder now, my knees are shaking.<p>I walk straight over to my car, take out my keys and start the car (it is 20 degrees out and cold.) I make NO eye contact with OW, and she says "Connie can you give me a ride home." I do not answer her. I get out of my car, with the engine running. She says "I live right by your house you know." <p>"I VERY well know that." I said, and still made no eye contact, slammed my car door and walked back to the entrance of the car. H is still not out of the bathroom.<p>FINALLY he gets out and I let him have it. I told him to get her OUT of my car. <p>So after him-hawing about it, he knew I was gonna call the cops on her if he didn't - and he was drunk so I know he didn't want a scene. So he went outside. <p>My SD comes in and says "what is the problem? let's just go." I said NO WAY, she needs to get OUT of my car. <p>SD tells me I am a stupid freak, and that there is no problem. So, a lady in the bar says "is it JODY that you don't want in your car?" Never seen this lady b4 in my life. I said yes. She had an affair with my husband 5 years ago, and I do not want anything to do with her, she is NOT riding in my car.<p>So the lady said she'd be willing to give her a ride home. I told her I didn't have a problem with that, I just want her to stay out of our lives.<p>So husband walks in and says - they are out of the car. (SIL and OW.) We are supposed to be giving SD and SIL a ride home, (it is 20 degrees outside - cold.) So we leave the bar and who is walking down the highway? SD, SIL and OW. H stops. <p>"I can't let them freeze, that is my daughter."<p>"Your daughter is CHOOSING to freeze, and so is your stupid sister, but we can't pick them up but NOT OW". I am stuck in the stupid car while he trails behind them while they are walking down the highway - stupid SIL and stupid SD are BOTH feeling embarassed for OW, and thinking I am evil, and refuse to get in our car. HE refuses to drive home. (7 miles, and there is nothing but fields and a highway between our house and the bar.)<p>I am accused of wanting his daughter dead, being ridiculous, back to the same old story about how it was only an "almost mistake" and not an affair, and you name it. <p>We are back to where we were on D-Day. You all know when he is not being admired by me he is an *******. He was violent last night after we got home, and I did not get to sleep until after 6 am.<p>I haven't said hardly a word to him today, he knows that I am so P.O'd - that I will just holler and scream my lungs out. Is he sorry? NO, I am a rotten person.<p>unbelievable.<p>SIL says "I didn't know that they had an affair."<p>I said "You most certainly did, don't give me that. I talked to you about it on December 9, 2000 - when he ADMITTED it. Don't you EVEN tell me that." <p>"That was so long ago, I forgot." she said defensively. "Jody said that you wouldn't want her to have a ride home in your car, because you didn't like her. I couldn't figure that out. I totally forgot."<p>This is the same SIL that we visited on our honeymoon so I could meet my new relatives. This is the same SIL that brought out a picture of one of my H's OW in his first marriage, within the first 30 minutes of us arriving in MN on our honeymoon. She plays like she is stupid, but she isn't. I never want to speak to her again - but I know I will forgive her, because she IS my husbands sister. <p>"I have NOT forgotten about ANY of it, and you wouldn't either, if it happened to your marriage." SIL works with OW, and also goes to same church as OW. I belonged to that synod and went to church the first Sunday that I moved up here to MN, and OW and I and H took communion together. I think that is what makes me the angriest. (FHL would understand, I am LCMS.) So, I told SIL "SHE KNOWS WHY I DON'T LIKE HER, SHE KNOWS. BESIDES!!! SHE WENT TO THE COMMUNION TABLE WITH ME THE FIRST SUNDAY I MOVED HERE? I DO NOT EVER WANT HER IN MY CAR AND OUT OF MY LIFE."<p>I did give SIL my new leather gloves to wear, beings how she kept choosing to stay and walk down the highway while it was freezing outside. SD, on the other hand was irate and wouldn't even talk to me. THAT IS WHERE HER LOYALTY IS - TO OW. <p>I am sooooooo angry and just exhausted. I feel soooo almost detached and numb about my marriage right now. I just want him and her and everyone to fall of the face of the earth!<p>UGGH
tnt<p> <p>I haven't said anything to him today

It's really late and I was just checking in to see if you'd posted that update I read about on my thread...<p>EGAD, WOMAN!!! What a horrid update!!!<p>I about spit on my computer screen picturing the OW prancing around and doing the private dance in the corner. <p>Does it help that I hate her too? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Honey, it stinks so bad it's putrid. I am sooooooo sorry...<p>(((((TnT)))))<p>Love you, and will be back tomorrow for more, Sweetie,<p>Sheryl

I agree with nyneve, that update really s*@#$. To have your SD and SIL side with the OW really adds insult to injury. What happened between you and H after you got home? Your reference to violence really concerns me. Reading Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage are two of the most helpful books I've read in a decade. I imagine it can done, but I'm at a loss to think of how a person can possibly put the kind of behavior you described "outside the fence".

Hi Sheryl and LH - yes it is ^&*)*&)()$& !!!<p>I posted this on the GQ 2 forum - I didn't plan on starting a riot, but I guess I might have... boy oh boy... Anyway, praise God for His divine intervention and grace....<p>love to you both,
TNT<p>**
Hi everyone.
Up, Down, Up, Down, To the left, to the right. It is a rollercoaster ride, isn't it! That is just what Satan wants.<p>Thank you all for your replies - the good and the bad. Thank you for hearing my "woe is me" - rant. This board has been so helpful to me, and it has always been - for me, "Divine Intervention".<p>I feel the Lord led me to this board. I have made many friends, and grown tremendously through the MB principles. My marriage is a gift from the Lord. My husband is a gift from God to me, and I am a gift from God to him. Satan does not like that.<p>God is so good. Through a dear friend I have made on this board who has prayed with me throughout the years - God has revealed to us that Satan has used OW - through her weaknesses - to confound what God has for my husband and I through our marriage. <p>My husband has always maintained that it was an "almost mistake". The Lord has revealed to me that my husband is telling the truth. I have been behaving as my husband was not being honest. I have been behaving fearfully. That is wrong - God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.<p>The OW took communion with me the first Sunday that I arrived here in MN, in Aug 96. That really bothers me - as many of you know, I am LCMS. We have "close" communion. Many of you will not understand this, but God wants me to go talk to OW - when she is sober. I need to do this so that she fully understands how I feel about the incident, and about her lie at the communion table that day. I believe there are eternal consequences for her unless she repents. I need to put on the "full armor" and make sure I speak the truth to this OW in love, and pray the Lord gives me strength during this.<p>Other things were revealed to us (me and my MB friend) including an understanding about my husband, what he feels like when I do not believe him. His mother always played games with him, and never believes him. It makes him feel like hurt little boy when my behavior parralels his mothers.<p>Oh wow, I could go on and on, but I KNOW that the Lord was speaking to us, and I KNOW that the right thing to do is to go to OW and speak to her in truth and love. I KNOW my husband loves me, and I KNOW that the OW had been rejected by my husband because he loves me, and she needs to be validated through the Lord, not through my husband. <p>He insists on having sex when I am distant (he sees it as his No. 1 need during those times, I am feeling betrayed and sex is the last thing on my list of "needs"). The violence is a result of me fighting him away. This is totally unhealthy, yes.<p>WE have all endured the unacceptable in our marriages, if we have dealt with infidelity. It is a pain that is deeper than any other pain, to be betrayed by the one you love. Whether it is an "almost mistake" or a full blown affair, it is despicable. <p>I have had many "legitimate" reasons why I could go to plan B or plan 'd' - but, I believe this can be overcome with the grace of God. I STILL believe that a divorce would be the work of Satan. This is a spiritual battle, not just an infidelity issue.<p>Many of you will understand where I am coming from, I am sure. I feel sooo blessed right now, the Lord is so good. I do not want to talk to OW, ever! But, I will - because I want the glory of the Lord to show - and I believe this is what the Lord wants me to do.<p>Thank you all for your replies, and to Deb: I know you understand - and yes, you do know my story very well, and you are right: My husband does need to say "thank you Lord that I am married to tnt and not Deb!!!!" ha ha ha. You brought a smile to my face!!! You are so cute.<p>And I have always maintained we aren't fully recovered - and I am still in Plan "A" - because my husband does not believe in POJA. That is why have not moved to the "recovery" forum. Deb, you are right.<p>God bless us all!
TnT

TNT<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So happy to hear your update. PTL<p>You know honey my hubby doesn't really believe in the "principles" or aknowledging the principles of this site. Certainly not the POGA. You know what though? I still post on recovery when I do post or here, okay and there, because we are in recovery, even if most of the work is or was one sided. We still have a recoverying marriage, and so do you honey.<p>Okay enough of my two cents.<p>Love you and looking forward to reading from you more.<p>Tons of love!<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: A blessed Samantha ]</p>

TNT, you are amazing. I "hear" your faith through your words. Inspiring! Thank you for sharing yourself, struggles and processes with us.

OK, I'm here, but where are you? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And poof, your goals are gone and my feeble brain can't remember them all...<p>To be honest, I need to study the fine points of close communion. I know WHY we do it, but exactly what the relationship is between communicants is something I never needed to truly explore.<p>I am sure her own choice in taking communion does not bring judgement upon you. We are all accountable for ourselves before God, so you can't be accountable for her. Of course you are accountable for yourself. And the sticky part may come in how well your heart is prepared with her there at the altar with you.<p>I know I couldn't prepare my heart well enough to withstand OW beside me.<p>I know it is not right to judge another's heart, but it would seem to me, that she may be in church more out of custom and culture than actual faith.<p>Beside's the issue YOU have with her, how is her lifestyle?<p>And since we are all sinners, of course your congregation is not perfect, but how would you describe the spiritual climate of your congregation?

Hey, TnT, I don't know if I will be able to get back this evening or not.<p>I will give this more thought, please restate your goals.<p>We'll try to get this right the first time, 'cause otherwise I'm going to have to pack [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care of yourself...I really mean that, you know!

FHL - I am over here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=25&t=000986

.<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</p>

HI TNT,
Yousure have me bouncing between boards! And this new forum has me thinking too....
Glad you are okay.
I have to agree that you are not obligated to be the local taxi just because you have survived the affiar nonsense.
God has made us trong, he is showing us the way to forgive....but I am not convinced that he means for us to be stupid!!!
And that leads us into limits, boundaries, doesnt it?
I think we have been there a few times before havent we?
Sex when the arguing starts, there schedule for making things right again?
(((((((((((hugs))))))))
Again, I am very happy you are okay.