Hi,<BR> A little background first. Married 25 1/2 years with 2 boys, 16 and 19. Have not been to this site in quite a while. <BR> I have tried to forgive and forget. We went to counsling for about a year. It seamed to help.<BR> I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I was on top of the world when I found out. Money was no problem, we has everthing we wanted. She didn't have to work. Stayed at home with the kids, she wanted to also. Everthing was going fine. Then...<BR> I found out a "mutual" friend was more than a freind. She had been sleeping with him for about 6 months. I was devistated.<BR> No I go through periods of depression that I don't seem to be able to get out of. I just have to wait for it to pass. <BR> She says ( and I belive her, if I can) that she has not seen him since and is veery sorry for what she did.<BR> I just keep wondering if I will EVER be able to get over it and be as happy as I once was. Will I ever be able to trust her like I did before?<BR> I would have (glad I didn't) staked my life on my trust of her. I would never thought it could happen with out me knowing or feeling that something was wrong.<BR> I guess my question will it ever be like it was, with the trust, faith and love that there once was?

I'm sorry that I don't have something more positive, but I'm hoping that by bringing this up to the top that two things will happen:<P>1. That you will get some responses from those who do have some advice<P>and<P>2. That you will realize that you were not ignored<P>Best wishes as you continue to build your marraige. These things take however much time they take. We all try to hurry things along and expect too much from ourselves, I think... be gentle with yourself and continue to uphold your W.<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Hi Edn-Terry: I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It has been a little over 8 months of recovery for my H & I, but since OW tried to weasel her way back into our lives just yesterday (after an absence of 8 months)....I feel we are back to ground zero.<P>The advice I have been getting is that TIME, patience and No Lovebusting will be the key factors. So hard to do when we are hurting so much.<P>Please hang in there. The fact that your W isn't in contact with OM is very promising. She wants it to work for both of you. Remember, Time, Patience and No Lovebusting.<P>Best of luck to you.

EdnTerry, I can understand what you are feeling. It's been around 16 months since I found out that my husband of 19 years was having an intense affair. We are still together and have some very happy weeks (when I never even feel the need to glance at the MB site ), but I still have periods of depression even though I have been on anti-depressants since the beginning. We have also been in counseling together since the affair ended. (I'm just trying to show that I haven't been sitting there stewing without doing the work necessary to repair the marriage)<P>A lot of people say, "What are you so upset about? Your husband is at home and still with you". But, as you said, <BR>-------------------<BR>"I would have (glad I didn't) staked my life on my trust of her.<BR>-------------------<BR>What is sad is that it *won't* ever be like it was again. I mourn that naive, blind trust I feel we once had. I do know from reading other people's experiences that marriages can recover and be better after an affair and that is the hope that I hang on to.<P>I doubt that this is helping you very much, but I know how bad it feels to compare yourself to people who are doing just great after 5 months. I wanted you to know that you are not alone! My hope is that we can just keep trying day by day and soon we will realize that the happiness is back and the affair has been retired to the "Museum of BAD Experiences".<BR>

ET,<BR>Every one expects, and hopes, that the feelings you are having will disappear over night, that things will go back to normal in a few months. So did I.<BR>I have been married 30 years, my H's Bad Brain Period lasted 3 years, we have been in recovery for 22 months. The first year was simply hell, the last 10 have gotten better, but I'm still not there. Will I ever be All the way there? Don't know. Close!<P>My H has and is doing EVERYTHING he can, and so am I. He dosen't know what I am going through, I can't relate to what he did. Just when you think, nothing could be worse, life gives you another set back. In my case my Mother passed away. Makes you realize alot of things.<BR> <BR>What would it be with out them, what would it be like if you hadn't tried. What would it be like to start new and not know what is down the road with that person. <BR>Your wedding vows were broken, but not all of them, for better or worse. Hang on to each other tight! Make a new life. You have that chance. You can keep spinning your tires, or you can move on. It will still take alot of work, it still will be an effort. Take a deep breath, realize you have come this far, even a marriage without an affair is work, ours is just a little more harder. Make new memories, start doing more, you can have fun instead of constantly reminding your self that you are sad and that you have been betrayed. Get off the self hurt that you are going through now. Have some compassion for your W, turn it around and think if you were her and wanted you to be the one she wants to look up to for the rest of her life. You need to make her happy so she will think of you only. She is so lucky to have you. You need to show her that. This will make you stronger, don't take it out on your self. It's strange how it is us who has to do most of the work when we didn't ask for this in the first place. Somehow, they move on so much easier, they forget the Other Person unless we remind them, which we are doing everyday is someway by our sadness. We are the ones that can't seem to let go.<P>Believe me, everyday can get better, your love will get deeper because of how you show that your are moving on. There is more to life then morning something that you can't change, I think it is an acceptance. But, you can change the future.<BR> <BR>My H and I are getting so close, talking about the future, making plans, goals, and looking ahead with our family. This time is nothing compared to what we have ahead. Just remember, it takes TIME.<P>Almost Happy<P>---------<BR>TIME

Almost Happy,<P>re: <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Your wedding vows were broken, but not all of them, for better or worse<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is the most profound thing I have EVER read here or anywhere. Why didn't I think of that? <P><B>WOW</B>... and thank you!<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

New Beginning,<BR>Your Welcome! I don't talk very much on MB anymore, I read every day. I love to share the knowledge that I have learned, but it also takes alot out of me to re-live memories, I try to keep it to the positive points and to those that hit home. <BR>I wish people would think about their lives together in the past and what they had, also remember that the betrayers are very human, even though we can't relate to having an affair, we still have a part of our marriage that should remain in tact. If we give up the, "for better ar worse" part, we too have broken our vows. Two wrongs don't make a right. At least it gives us something to cling to during this mind bogling time.<BR>You know? It can work, we get stuck in our hurt, I know I did. My H went through hell from me, as I did from him, and he still stayed by my side.....TRUE LOVE. By talking together about US, having compassion for each other, and a will to bond again, you can move on. I does help to talk to others, to say positive things and believe what you say. <P>Almost Happy<P>--------<BR>TIME <BR>

ET,<BR>I didn't address the Trust question........<BR>Trust can only be restored by your W. That is her very own project. My H goes out of his way to document what and when he is doing things, he goes a little over board, which I deeply appreciate. I think, him including me in everything, right up to ridding along to the grocery store, makes me see how important trust is to him.<BR>Let's face it, that is one of the main ingredients of a good marriage. I praise him for all his efforts each time, a simple, "thank you", says alot, and encourages him to do more. In my book, there can never be "too much" reassurance.<BR>I'll shut up now. <P>Almost Happy<P>---------<BR>TIME

ET,<P>I am sorry for your bouts of depression, selfishly so. I was hoping that the depression faded when recovery had been underway for a long period of time. I was hoping for my own sake. I have been in recovery for 4 months and it all still hurts so profoundly. There just isn't any EASY about all this. We get hurt, we suffer, we forgive, we are depressed. How many of us asked for this type of hell? How many of us were blind sided by these crazy affairs?<P>You ask if it will ever be the same. No, I don't think it can, but it can be whatever you make it out to be. That is the great thing about life. It is there for the taking. If wife is sincerely sorry, and you still love her than why can't it all be better than before? There are no set rules on this subject. Get yourself out of the depression rut (whatever works best for you) and give it all you got. Make a better world for you and your wife.

ET,<P>I am sorry for your bouts of depression, selfishly so. I was hoping that the depression faded when recovery had been underway for a long period of time. I was hoping for my own sake. I have been in recovery for 4 months and it all still hurts so profoundly. There just isn't any EASY about all this. We get hurt, we suffer, we forgive, we are depressed. How many of us asked for this type of hell? How many of us were blind sided by these crazy affairs?<P>You ask if it will ever be the same. No, I don't think it can, but it can be whatever you make it out to be. That is the great thing about life. It is there for the taking. If wife is sincerely sorry, and you still love her than why can't it all be better than before? There are no set rules on this subject. Get yourself out of the depression rut (whatever works best for you) and give it all you got. Make a better world for you and your wife.