Hi Guys,<P>I'm getting closer to a resolution or nervous breakdown. Hey, which ever comes first.<P>CARD, Hallmark, Between you and Me series.<P>[front]<BR>Sometimes in the soft, quiet moments,<BR>I think about the things<BR>we have shared.<BR>Simple things, but somehow<BR>important things<BR>that make my life special<BR>and make you a special part<BR>of my life.<BR>And I realize that <BR>even though we have<BR>to be apart now,<BR>there is no distance<BR>between our hearts.<P>[inside]<BR>I miss you very much,<BR>and I love you even more.<P><BR>[My personal letter, first draft, to be enclosed]<P>I can’t tell you what to think or what to make of things. However, I did tell you very sincerely how I felt and my thoughts on our situation in the letter and card I gave you<BR>in the dental office in mid January. I asked you to think about giving us one last chance to re/build the marriage. I<BR>heard nothing from you and assumed that was your final answer.<P>You have told me on numerous occasions that divorce would be the best option for you. I have tried so very hard to show you that it could be a much improved relationship filled with more love and respect with just a little work on both our parts. I can and will be a wonderful husband, sadly if not to you, to someone else. I have changed my<BR>poor behavior habits and have grown as a person over the last year.<P>I have almost given up completely on the idea of reconciliation and am preparing myself for a future life without you as a life partner. Having absolutely no contact<BR>with you is helping to ease the pain of a permanent dissolution. I am moving on and will not bother you or your family members again.<P>I will sign the papers because it is not fair to you to hold them up for something and someone that you do not want. I hope you found happiness with another. You deserve it. God willing I will find happiness as well. Sorry to have wasted 11 years of your life. Even regretfully<BR>more so that you feel that we are not worth a final attempt to remain husband and wife.<P>Wishing you the Best.<P><BR>Well, that's it. What do ya think? Going to wait and look at it again in the AM. Just got off a 16 hour shift and am a little goofy.<P>Seems to be alot of bad Karma on the board. This sucks worse than life itself.<P>Sending out good, but tired vibes to all.<P>Tim

Medic238,<P>Did I miss something or was she sending your cards that seem to indicate that all was not lost? Is this your response to them or is something else happening? Or have you decided not to really pursue this any longer.<P>This letter seems to be the end. Is that what you want at this point: A final resolution? I know that K would probably tell you to leave out the discussion of her wanting a divorce but it seems appropriate to me if you are really ready to terminate this thing. <P>I have forgotten are the divorce papers just sitting ready for your signature? If so and she has not really contacted you then it does sound final. However I keep remembering that she just sent you some cards.<P>You have done a very masterful job of trying to get this marriage back on track and your humor here has been wonderful.<P>I hope that tomorrow brings better thoughts and a response from her. <P>So after all of this and questions I guess I have nothing useful to tell you but good luck and God Bless You Tim.<P>JL

Alllllllllllllllright..........<P>now we're cookin' and I feel like that 'Wok with Yan'.............<P>YeeeeeeeeHaaaaaa........<P>ok, here comes my big mouth.....<P>"""I can’t tell you what to think or what to make of things. However, I feel that I did tell you very sincerely how I felt and my thoughts on our situation in the letter and card I gave you in the dental office in mid January. I asked you to think about giving us one last chance to re/build the marriage. I heard nothing from you and assumed that was your final answer.<P>You have told me on numerous occasions that divorce would be the best option for you. I have tried so very hard to show you that we could share and enjoy a much improved relationship filled with more love and respect on both our parts. I can and will be a wonderful husband. I believe that I have changed my poor behavior habits and have grown as a person over the last year.<P>To be honest, I have almost given up completely on the idea of reconciliation and am preparing myself for a future life without you as a life partner. Having absolutely no contact with you is to help ease the pain of a permanent dissolution. <P>If it is truly your wish, I will sign the papers, because I believe it is not fair to you to hold them up for something and someone that you do not want. I hope for only happiness for you. You deserve it. God willing I will find happiness as well someday. """""<P>Now, add some a la medic signoff.....<P>don't you just hate it when a snarky, PMS-ing, rain-traumatized only child, ridiculed by the neighbors just ups and re-writes a letter you wrote.....<P>just my nosey, presumptive 2 cents....<P>love 'ya......<P>go get her......or at least, rest easy once you know once and for all.....<P>Dylan<P>

Tim,<P>My two cents worth is more like $20.00...<P>I've got this lovebuster thing down fairly well. So here is what I see....In general this letter is pretty good, however if you want to wion her back there are a few lovebusters I'd edit out... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>with just a little work on both our parts.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>....I would remind her that she will have to do some of the work, could be construed as a Disrespectful Judgement, or a selfishe Demand<P>. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>sadly if not to you, to someone else<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>..I don't know how to define this one but it is a huge Zinger...maybe just omit this line......<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I will sign the papers because it is not fair to you to hold them up for something and someone that you do not want... I hope you found happiness with another. You deserve it. God willing I will find happiness as well. Sorry to have wasted 11 years of your life.... Even regretfully<BR>more so that you feel that we are not worth a final attempt to remain husband and wife.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This paragraph could alao be cuncstrued as a disrespectful Judgment...I don't think it is wise to tell her how she feels, because you don't really know do you...<P>IMHO I think I'd just have a note saying that you missed her..and was thinking about her...I'd leave all the break-up stuff out of this...Unless you really want it to be over...This note leavs one with that very feeling...<P>She already has your other two letters stating these things...I'd opt for just an I miss you or am thinking of you and wanted to say hi...Keep it light...This is way too heavy, almost an ultimatim...<P>My $20.00 worth, hang in there buddy, you've held out this long, what's a few more weeks..I think she still loves you alot, and you have a small window of oportunity, a letter like this again may close that window..<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Tim,<P>If you want it over it's the perfect letter. However, if you still have some hope rephrase the letter using Dylan's and Bill's suggestions. Whatever makes you feel OK with yourself & your relationship (???) w/ Val will be fine.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

My guess is the letter will be read 1/2 way, and it will be a quick trip for something to help her feel better.... candy bar? no, because a candy bar is so minute of a feel good trick.... let's see, it's not chocolate. How about a bottle of wine? nope.... makes me feel like.... I know!!! I'll call someone who I think can make me feel better!!! Guess who I'll call?<P>get my point? okay. Open up a spot for understanding in that brain of yers, Thar, Medic..... She is a conflict AVOIDER. This sounds like a letter that is going to start making her little hairs on her body rise. This will not make her feel good.<P>Medic, she won't respond to this one either. What she will do, is run out and "medicate her pain", and then wait a week or two, and then attempt contact again.<P>Better, is for you to either NOT contact her at all, or contact her with non threatening, non demanding stuff. I think if I were you I would write her a letter about why you aren't contacting her..... Because you love her, and although you would love to see your marriage repaired, and you are willing to do your part, and you think you know what that part is,.....blah blah blah..... <P>And... you describe to her the POTENTIAL that a restored marriage brings....<P>Something like this:<P>Dear Val,<P>I do love you, sweetheart. I know this time for you is painful. It is painful for me too. I have received your cards, and they are very dear to me. But it hurts so terribly bad, when we have contact, and that hurts turns to resentment, as although I know we both love each other, I want more for our relationship than it currently is....<P>I can’t tell you what to think or what to make of things. However, I did tell you very sincerely how I felt and my thoughts on our situation in the letter and card I gave you<BR>in the dental office in mid January. I asked you to think about giving us one last chance to re/build the marriage. I<BR>heard nothing from you and assumed that was your final answer. <P>Val, I am beginning to recognize some of the behaviors that annoy you. I'm sure - you want peace, and love, and want a safe trusting environment to be yourself in. I want that for you, too Val. I want you to feel loved, and cherished, and safe. I want us to have the kind of marriage that makes us both feel this way.<P>I have decided that when I have contact with you while you are confused about what you want, that this is causing me to get hurt, and the hurt is killing what remaining love I have for you. Until you decide that our marriage is worth a real shot, I am will be retiring from the "dunk tank". (Or insert your own humor in there.)<P>So, Val, please do not contact me any more, because it hurts. It hurts to have a taste, but not the full enchilada.<P>I love you,<BR>Tim<P><BR>Tim, I'm sure Val loves your humor. Your humor helps people who are conflict avoiders deal with serious issues in a non-threatening manner. She is afraid! This is how she feels! Please don't think she does things bad just to hurt you. She's doing them because she doesn't know how to do anything differently! She can learn. But she has to have the guts to recognize what is going on, and the guts to learn.<P>Let us know what you decide<P><BR>

Tim,<P>I think everyone has given you good advice so far, There is just one change I would make. Remove the line;<P>"Sorry to have wasted 11 years of your life"<P>Hughe DB, asigns a lot of guilt.<P>Just my opinion. <P>Good Luck

Medic,<P>I read the card and it is lovely. The letter is also, but maybe Jersey Joe is right about the line concerning wasting 11 years. I can understand why you wrote that, believe me.<BR>I feel I have already wasted seven on a man who never really saw me or sees me. Whatever,<BR>The last time I knew of, you had given her the letter you wrote at the dentist office. I didn't know you never got a response. However, the ball is in her court now. Personally, considering how I feel, if I had received such a card and letter I would be right there willing to give it another shot.<BR>But, that's me. If she has any feelings for you she will respond, and I do pray and hope like no other that she decides to give another go with the ever surprising and always lay-you-in-the-floor hilarious Medic.<BR>Good luck buddy.<p>[This message has been edited by devastated2 (edited February 16, 2000).]

Take out the "sorry for wasting 11 years of your life" and the next sentence of how she doesn't feel it important enough to try to work on the marriage. It seems that you are trying to lay a BIG GUILT TRIP ON HER. You may not have been, but that is how it will be taken and it will most likely piss her off. IMHO

Hi Guys,<P>Only have a few minutes before we gotta get going again to play ambulance.<P>OK, here's what I did. I sent the card with my addition of "Thinking of you...us, too. You will always have a place in my heart. Tim" Simple and sweet. No LB's. I didn't give a hint as to what my next step will be.<P>I going to hold off on the letter for a bit. I think TNT makes a very good arguement regarding the conflict avoidance issue.<P>That and it seems that what Keystone is doing is working as well. I backed off, well pretty much fell of the face of the earth as far as she knows, and received two cards in two weeks. The marriage or coming back hasn't been brought up in the last 6 weeks. Another worlds record for me. <P>It seems that the hunted will have to become the hunter.<P>Thanks for all the feed back. The letter didn't seem nasty last night at 02:00 in the morning. Looking at it again today I was expressing anger and bitterness over her inability to choose. I'm glad I asked for your opinions or I might have lost some ground.<P>Tim

Hey Medic,<P>well done.<P>I loved the card - it is beautiful. What TNT wrote hit the spot with me, exactly what I would have said had I been able to express myself so eloquently.<P>I would definitely have taken out the line about wasting 11 years. Even if you do end up with the big "D", you have NOT wasted 11 years. I know there must have been many many good times in that 11 years, as you would not be here, and feeling the way you do if there weren't.<P>I've written a few letters like that, but never posted them. Torn them up the next day. But it is a way of releasing the anger, and bitteness. And the beauty of it is, they never know. Psychologically, you get the satisfaction of having had your say, to the person concerned, which releases 'something or other' and makes you feel better !!! I must have done Psych 101 many years ago......<P>Anyway, I'm glad you chose the course of action you did. It sounds as tho things may be happening for you, which is wonderful. I agree with the comments about her being a conflict avoider, and your actions would sometimes frighten her. My H is like Val, he's a huge CA, and I speak honestly, openly, to the point, and very well. My H has told me in the past that that intimidates him. Maybe Val feels the same way.<BR>Anyway, big hugs for you, and a prayer or two that things go your way. I always said to Brownphd (where is he btw) that if he backed off, she would more than likely come running. I'm sure there's a MB 'way' of saying that, but I guess that's what we all have to do, when we get to this point in the proceedings.<P>Thinking of you, and the card was beautiful<P>Jo

OK, I'm back,<P><BR>Hi JL,<P>I think I'm getting very tired of the indecision. I'm pretty much going the way Cee Cee is. I'm ready for the big D. It's not what I really want but I am willing to accept it. This past Sunday was the 11th month that we have been separated.<P>I read the letter again this AM and it was kinda nasty. <P>The divorce papers should be ready to be signed very shortly. The 90 day cooling off period is up and just waiting for the paperwork to go thru the court system.<P>Your words are very kind and I appreciate your response. <P><BR>Dylan,<P>I believe that we are identical twins that were born 8 years apart. This can happen, I read it in the Equirer last week.<P>Do I hate it that you re wrote the letter. No, I like your version better. It is saved and depending on what happens in the upcoming weeks, it may see the light of the inside of an envelope mailed to a certain W of mine.<P><BR>OK, Bill,<P>So, what are you trying to say? The letter is filled with LB's? Yeah, your'e right. I just went with the card and some non commital few lines. I guess now neither one of us will know what, if anything, the other is thinking.<P><BR>Hi Alex,<P>I imagine my letter could be taken as a See Ya Bye kind of thing. I went with the card only. <P><BR>TNT,<P>I hate it when you make sense. I copied your version as well. You really got me a thinking on this one. I remember last separtation the discussion went along the lines that I told her I loved her only a little bit and got a card within the hour stating she "hopes you love me more than a little bit, Marry me?" Counting back she was seeing Brian at that time too.<P><BR>JJ,<P>Yeah, that was a tad on the nasty side wasn't it? Frustration is coming to the surface. <P><BR>Hello D2,<P>I shouldn't really say I didn't get a response. She saw the ambulance and came over to the ER to chat. She was supposed to call me later in the week to decide what to do with regard to the marriage. That is when I didn't get a response.<P>I got frustrated and sent her this note.<P><BR>Val,<P>This letter is short, sweet and to the<BR>point. <P>First, I wondered if I could get the<BR>Surviving an Affair book back from you. <BR>I have a friend that could really use it<BR>and would like to read it.<P>Second, I know you are not interested in<BR>coming back and fixing the marriage. I<BR>want to thank you for not calling lately. <BR>It is making withdrawal from you easier<BR>on me. I’m getting on with my life. <P>I have reconsidered the divorce and will<BR>sign the papers. Neither of us want to<BR>stay married.<P>Hope you find what you are looking for.<P>Tim<P>After receipt of this, the cards started coming.<P>Thanks for you very kind words as well.<P><BR>Trying,<P>I was very tired when I wrote this and believe that anger and resentment show up quite vividly. Held off for now. Thanks.<P><BR>Hey Bonnet,<P>I read the thing over a few times, but, in my present mental state it seemed fine. Silly me. My two added lines to the card suggest nothing. They ask for no action or response. Seems like Val and I are both in the waffle iron now. Thanks for the kind thoughts.<P>Thanks again to all for not allowing me to be a bigger bone head than I already am.<P>Tim

Hi Tim,<BR>Thought I was the only one up. I am glad you only sent the card. She knows the divorce paper will soon be ready, right? Give her a little more time or ask her what she wants you to do a about the papers. I don't know but it sounds like she is starting to come back to rality. BUt remember it takes a long time for this to happen. I know patience is not our strong suit. {{{HUGS}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hey Di,<P>Nope, I'm still here and awake. We just got back and I'm finally at home. LONG DAY. I had some staffing changes that had to be made. Left two guys go and am picking up the shifts. It keeps me out of trouble. Well, maybe not. I missed being out on the streets and having to be stuck in an office. I have a wierd quirk about women in white. DON'T ASK!<P>I have so many friends out in the hospitals. I'm not just an idiot here at MB, but, in real life as well. <P>I just found out tonight that a dear friend is in the process of getting a divorce as well. They were a great couple too. What is going on in the world. No affair, they just couldn't make it.<P>We had a routine transport for a male at an outpatient clinic going for a psych eval to a local hospital. We entered the building noticing a male outside smoking. Got up to the office and the social worker stated the patient was outside. [The guy we walked past.] Ok, we all went down to find him. My partner and I did a walk around the building finding nothing. The SW found him in the bathroom stall with blood all over and screamed for us. "Dave" cut his wrists with a utility knife he was carrying just for the occasion because his SO didn't like the idea that he was seeking help for his alcohol and drug problem. He ran away from us and me being the athletic type, I yelled to him to stop. Then, I yelled to him to stop again. Remember that I am 39, smoke and do not look good running in boots. Caught up with him and told him it was not a good idea to bleed all over the parking lot. We chatted and I gained his confidence. I told him I also was experiencing problems in a relationship. Not a BS line. Bottom line we got him to the hospital for psychiatric help with no further complications. I really felt for this guy. We had another trip out of the same hospital and asked about his condition. He said it really helped that the "ambulance guy" had shown him sincere compasion for his situation. If nothing else, that I have learned in the last year, I helped this troubled man.<P>Sorry, went off on a tanget. That really hit me because I earlier had suicidal ideations. Not that I would have the balls to cut my wrists. <P>Val is fully aware that the papers will be ready very soon.<P>OK, I'm rambling. Time for night, night.<P>Tim

It's not a question of not having the balls<BR>to cut your wrists, It takes a very strong person not to. That is the chickens way out. <BR> <BR>You have to have balls to not do it. Unless your a women you just have to have enough ???? (fill in the blank for me) <BR> <BR> I know you were making a joke I haven't lost my sense of humor.........YET <P>Hang in there,(much over used line I know) <P>------------------<BR>Peg

I guess I gave up to soon last night. But even though my eyes wouldn't shut my brain did shut down. You know it was great that you were there for that man. I hope he gets the help he needs. I know I am more understanding about how people can be driven to sucide. I haven't really thought of it except when the pain hits how nice it would be to have no more pain but then I think of what I would miss my grandids growing up and the thought dissappears. Haven't even had that thought for a long while. <P>I know it would be nice to have a crsytal ball for us to see in to the future. So we would know what we are suppose to do now. Well I have to get ready to see my counselor and then go to work. Hang on tight this road is full of bumps and curves and downs and a few ups. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Zippy,<P>I liked the card. Glad you didn't send the letter. She has softened, Tim. You are getting SOME response from her....take that as positive on her part! She sent the 2 cards and now you are sendingher one and I will bet within a week you get another one form her. Don't push too hard....it is like fishing, you tug a little, let the line out some, reel it in back slowly...tug a little, let the line out some, reel it in back slowly.....At least you have a fish on the hook, Tim!!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Medic,<P>Hope you're doing better today. You did well to leave out the letter (not that I would have, but I don't seem to have your good sense).<P>What a person will miss when they're gone for a few days from the forum.<P>Just wanted to give you a big <B>way to go!</B> by re-reading the letter before you sent it with the great card, as well as helping out another with your compassion for their situation. You do it so much here, also. I thank you.<P>Hope your day today was good.