Does anyone else feel this way?<P>It seems everyday that goes by, I give up a little bit more. I don't seem to be able to capture that warm and fuzzy feeling I once had for my H. I have to admit, it took me forever to find a Valentine's day card for him. Could'nt bring myself to by him one of those cards that said how much he has meant to me and all the wonderful things he has done for me.<P>Before the EA he had, we shared so much and always talked about how happy we were together and lucky we were to have such a strong and enduring love! Even our friends would feel compelled to comment on how happy we were. So now that this is gone, and he seems to put very little effort into repairing this relationship (he is up to p. 28 in Harly's book. He has had it for over a month and keeps telling me he has not had time to read it yet. See where his priorities are!), it hursts so much. <P>So when he tells me that he loves me and wants to make it up to me but does not come through with a Valentines day gift, it just feels like another one of his lies and I just want to throw in the towel.<P>He acknowledges that he wants our marriage, but when it comes right down to it, I don't see him making any changes. He does not schedule time with me to do things, instead he assumes I am his ready playmate and will do whatever he wants when the feeling seems to come over him. I have told him that it would help to make plans to do fun things. It would help me balance my homework (grad school) and would make me feel more important to him. So this weekend what did he do??? Nothing. He said he tought we would just hang out.<P>Let's face it this guy is not listening. If it all kind of falls into place for him then he'll take it but geee if he has to work on it and think about it...well that seems to be another story.<P>Sorry but I want more. I fear my love bank is starting to close. I don't even feel that I can control it anymore. I just feel that this has gone on for so long (1.5 years, 4 months since final discovery). In all that time, I honestly can't think of anything he has done to show me that he wants this marriage and that he will put effort into fixing it. I don't believe a thing he says so if he does not do something soon, I think the door will slam shut forever.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<P>Acacai

Unfortunately my H felt that ending the affair was his outward sign,<P>He has tried to fix the areas that were problems but only the easy ones, not the ones that call for effort.<P>I too had a terrible time picking out a card. Do you realize how hard it is to find a valentines card that doesn contain the word Love.<P>I swore I would never say it again unless I really meant it. He told me he loved me at the end of every phone conversation then walked out the door to go to his lover's home. I have grown to hate the word love.<P>What worries me is if they don't feel the motivation to work to change now, when in H**L will they?<P>It has been over 2 years for us. We have reached a level of complacency and that is it.

Yeah. I hear you LuLu. <P>Why is it that they think ending the affair is all they need do? <P>I do appreciate that but I also feel that he made that decision for himself not for me. I may benefit from it but it does not mean that he loves me only that he has finally decided that he does not love her!<P>I don't think I can do this much longer and I have told my H that. So you would think that he would come through with something!<P>I have given up expecting too much from him and I find myself building a wall where he is concerned. It is too painful to be vunerable to him. Whenever I find the courage to let my guard down, I get hurt big time. So why continue to do it??????<P>I hope the tide changes for you and your H. No one should have to go through the pain of indifference.<P>Tired Acacia!

My H is trying is so many ways, but I still don't feel important. It is like he will try just as long as his full attention is on us at the moment, or if it is convenient. During this time there are the constant little insults and jabs that he does without even thinking about it.<P>I just don't feel good about our relationship, atleast not good enough right now to compensate for all the pain I have had to feel to get here.<P>I find that it no longer matters if he is home or at work, except that I wonder what he is up to when he is away. When he is gone it is one less person putting demands on me.<P>When he tries to do something nice for me I just feel uncomfortable. There is really no way for him to win this situation. I have felt so unimportant and worthless for so long. Now if he spends money on me for a nice gift I feel it is only a peace offering, not a love offering and the money shouldn't have been wasted on my anyway.<P>When he compliments me I immediately remember all the "Loveya's" he said during his affair and all the compliments he expressed about her after I found out. The compliments make me uncomfortable and mad. The efforts he makes to try to draw me out push me away.<P>I wonder sometimes if I just don't have the fight in me for this. I don't have the forgiveness.<P>If I keep resonding to him this way he will b unfaithful again, I'm sure of that, yet I can't open up to him because I'm convinced he will be unfaithful again eventually and I have to protect myself.

It sounds like you both are recovering from affairs. It sounds like you both suffered a great deal of pain.<P>This whole conversation makes me kind of scared. Is this what I have to look forward to "if" I get through my present situation? I can't set myself up for that kind of pain after all this.<P>It sounds like the spouse who betrayed, when they go home, they think all is well. It will take a lot of work. Are you in counseling? Reading 28 pages of a book , doesn't really count. Try and remember how badly you wanted the marriage to work. Try and remember the feelings you had for your spouse before the affair. Try and build off that and save your marriage before another affair, which will be more worse than the problems you have now.<P>Prayers and best wishes to you both.

Why wait around for him to start making plans for you two to do things together. GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND YOU TAKE OVER AND MAKE THE PLANS! Once he see's you taking charge and being the first one to act, he most likely will start to do the same. Yes, right now you are in an angry state and you want him to act in a certain way. But just because you are ready for him to act in a certain way does not mean that he is ready do that. So don't waste precious time asking why he doesn't do this or do that. GET UP AND DO IT YOURSELF! MAKE THE PLANS OR DATES OR OUTINGS, AND tell him, "Next time he can pick what you guys will do". So that he knows that it is his turn. Sometimes you have to lead them and they will follow! Keep us updated!

Acacia,<P>Wow! You hit the nail right on the head. This is EXACLTY how I feel right now.<P>Whatever little improvements that have occurred have been "forced" by me or our counselor and wind up being simply empty gestures to fulfill a requirement.<P>We have to schedule time together each day and sometimes things like housecleaning is used as an excuse why she can't find even 5 minutes to be together.<P>Your H is up to page 28? Lucky you! My W won't even open the book. <P>Like you, I'm not sure what the words "I want to make our marriage work" mean when coming out of my spouse's mouth. It seems to have a mostly hypothetical meaning.<P>And sadly, like you, I feel my remaining feelings of emotional attachment slowly just slipping away.

Lonelymom - I don't know if all have to go through what I am going through. I don't have the memory of a good marriage and feelings before the affair to work off of. That has been a lot of my problem. I would consider my marriage a basically unhappy one from pretty much day one. (I know you will be thinking "no wonder one of you ended up having an affair") I understand all of that, but it doesn't change much. Ours was a fairly typical "Christian" marriage of complacency kept together by the rules of marriage and divorce, not by love and devotion. He says this was not the case for him, but his actions spoke much differently, and I never felt anything other than that during most of our 16+ years.<P>Trying 2_4 give -<P>I know I could get up and do these things, but right now I am just too tired. I feel so much of the burden of all of this has fallen on me and my willingness is no longer there.<P>Think about how much Plan A takes out of you when there is so much pain and so much more pain thrown back on top of the existing pain due to spouses withdrawal and the OW stirring the pot. I'm just tired and completely unmotivated at this point.<P>At the beginning of recovery it is understood in all of the books that the betraying spouse is not feeling much love or consideration toward the betrayed, yet the betrayed is encouraged to work, work, work. They are told to expect no reciprocation. We endure so much insult and pain. We see progress, then we find out about more lies. We live without trust and then feel guilty for our feelings.<P>Many of us have witnessed our betraying spouses snap out of withdrawal, and then live a happy life filled with relief, while we still feel the pain. My H feels it is over and done with. Now we can have a perfect marriage, yet doesn't put forth the effort to fix the main things that made me so miserable before. They justify themselves by saying "I left the best thing that ever happened to me, what more does she want?"<P>We feel like a consolation prize. We live in fear of the next time, because we now know the capacity of our spouses selfishness and deceipt. We live with the loss of respect and the crumbling of the pedestal that we had them on (even though I wasn't happy, I still greatly respected him and thought him impossible of doing what he did).<P>I am just ready to quit right now. I'm ready to give in to the resentment, pain and anger.<BR>

Tired LuLu, I am so sorry if I sounded like I was a FIXER to a SMALL problem, believe me this is a HUGE, GIGANTIC problem. And boy, do I know about being tired of having to be the one to TRY, when I didn't do anything in the first place. I was always telling friends who would tell me to try this or try that, that "I am just too tired and sick of being the one that has to be the one to try, or bring a problem out to discuss"! It gets to be too much and you start to resent your spouse for being so BLIND as to what is REALLY going on. When I say my H lives in fantasy land, that everything is ok, believe me I think he is KING of FANTASY ISLAND, forget about Mr. Rourke and Tattoo!! = If you don't feel like being the FIXER then don't. Just wait until you feel you are ready. But don't sit there and pity yourself. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY. You want your marriage you love your spouse, you are JUST TIRED, plain and simple! So take time to work on YOU instead. Make yourself feel good about you. Be your own best friend until you are ready to deal with his passiveness. Maybe if you lead he will follow. But do make yourself happy, without his emotions dictating your happiness.

My entire adult (teenage even) life has been spent revolving it around a man (a boy when I was teenager). I met my H in school, we dated exclusively and married young. I never had to develop a life without him and I counted on him to be my confidence. I posted under another post regarding Social Anxiety. I feel fairly certain I have it bad. If I am asked to do something I can't do it, if we are asked to do something I will, but am still very uncomfortable. <P>I honestly don't know how to do things for myself and build myself up. I have been struggling with this for days and posting everwhere about it. I don't know how.

trying2_4give-<P>Is it possible that my decision to stop and my feelings of giving up are attempts to do something for myself?<P>I'm not sure about my own motives any more.

Of course I am no psychologist but, but it could also be you are taking the easy way out instead doing what needs to be done. THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE ARE SPEAKING OF. Yes it does sound like you need some independence to learn how to do things for yourself. But surely you can't tell me that your feelings are not your own. Of course they are. You know what you feel. Confused, yes, Tired yes, but it is what YOU feel. So just take it from there. Do you really feel that there are no POSITIVE ways you can start to deal with things on your own, to take charge on your own. Obviously, you know you need help with your feelings so that is a start. Believe me, WE ALL know the burden of feeling dependant on someone else to take care of things, or even the burden of having to be the one to try to fix things, but just take it one step or handle one thing at a time. Handle what is most important to you right now. My thing was getting transportation for my kids, and I did that first. It is not the best car by any means, but it works AND IT'S MINE, and I DID IT!! And I am/was so proud of myself. I CAN DO what needs to be done, and it is the best feeling! Think about what makes you special, if you really don't know, then ask a friend who TRULY loves you. Figure out things on your own, take your time, you may stumble, but you already know that you can handle the pitfalls because your are here, you are talking and you are speaking up for YOURSELF! THAT'S ALWAYS A START! =

It seems like this might be one of those issues that Harley talks about where the receiver of the care returns to intimacy before the one doing the caring does and resentment can flare. <P>Remember this article from the basic concepts?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3620_state.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3620_state.html</A> <P>If that's the case, the resentment you feel may be completely normal. Maybe not fun and enjoyable--just part of the process...<P>

I know that my Taker is strong and healthy right now.

I was where you are a month ago. You better be careful, because you just might get what you ask for. I felt my H wasn't trying and continually nagged about it. He finally got sick of not feeling good enough and left himself. I am miserable to say the least!<P>You two need to get into a marriage counselor that will set you up with a PLAN!! Be careful because there are QUACKS out there who do more harm than good. (Speaking from experience).

The main question I have is "Why?" Why would I want to stay with an adulterer, when I still am not happy and still don't feel loved.<P>I wasn't loved before and wanted out. I felt that if I could get a scriptural divorce I would do it in a heartbeat. Then he handed me the opportunity and I was too afraid to take it so I tried to rebuild the marriage.<P>For what, for him to continue to belittle me and treat me as an inferior. He has tried to satisfy many of my needs and fix lovebusters, but this has always been the main one. The one that made me want to leave in the first place and it is still here.<P>I've convinced myself that he is just that way. It is not just toward me, it is toward everybody, our kids, the people he works with. I have grown to absolutely despise it.<P>I keep hearing that I must make a decision. I haven't made a decision based on my needs in 16 years so how am I supposed to make this one? So for 2 years I have chosen to put off making a decision.

Wow, I really appreciate everyones insight into this.<P>L. Mom - Good ot hear from you I have been reading your posts. I wish my H would read the book. It is so hard to move forward by yourself! Please don't let this post discourage you. Every relatioship is different. Your future may be brighter than mine! Who knows?<P>Trying to 4 Give - I understand your comment about taking the first step. I have done that for a long time and H never followed the lead. <P>Like Woozy's husband, my H just decided he did not want the responsibiliy of his life anymore. He neglected everything. The house, the car, even looking for a job when he lost his. <P>I picked up the peices that he would not as best I could and yeah I nagged him for help and no he would not help. I asked him to take the car in so many times becasue it reaked of gas. I guess I should have done that too since the car finally caught on fire as he was driving to work one day (He was OK). <P>He managed to spend ourselves into a 5 figure debt and does not seem to feel the need to do anything to work that debt down. That seems to be my job because "he just can't do it". And now we are down to one car since we can not afford another. <P>I saw we were having problems, found the marriage councelor and made the appointments. He went but basically spent our money lying to her as he did to me. The only difference is that this cost us $85 an hour and increased our financial problems even more.<P>I told him that I would not make any more apts. If he told the truth I would go if he made them. He made a few and now goes to see the councelor by himself and has no plans to make any for us that I know of.<P>I also found this web page, printed the article gave them to him to read. It took him 2- 3 weeks to read the articles. I bought the books, he never read them. <P>You can't spoon feed them everything. You can't make them participate if they don't want to. That's why when my H tells me he loves me my blood just runs cold because everything he does tells me otherwise.<P>I could go on but you know what, if making dinner reservations is too much of an effort for my H to save his marriage then I don't want it. So I hope he wakes up because I am very clear on the fact that this is not what I want out of the primary relationship in my life. <P>Fortunatly I am still young (38) and have a good job. So I can make it on my own with out a problem. My self-esteam is in tack in spite of how he has treated me. I truly believe that if this is how our relationship will be then I will be happier without him.<P>2 Sad 4 Words - I hope your H and mine finally read the BOOK!<P>LuLu - Yes my H does make me feel like a consolation prize but I know better. I am better than that - if he can't see it, then I would rather find someone who sees me as the GRAND PRIZE!<P>Desparate - I have told my H I will go to M counceling if he makes the apointments. Well... I am still waiting. (See my response to trying24give.)<P>Thanks for all your support everyone.<P>ACACIA<P>