Well, my husband finally sent me a letter and the unthinkable appears to have happened. He says he has filed for divorce (I'm still a little skeptical since I haven't seen it yet, but it sure sounds like he has).<P>He says there are aspects of my personality he doesn't like. He says that every once in a while I regress and he's afraid that things will be as they were during the worst times. He says he's changed alot in the fifteen years we've known each other and things that didn't bother him about me then, overwhelm him now. He says all these things, even though he's never once told me what aspects he's talking about, what I should be changing, when I regress (and from what), how he's changed, and what I could be doing differently. I also guess the fact that I've treated him so nicely, while knowing he's been sleeping with a woman at his office and chose her over me and the family, counts for nothing either. I've still periodically "regressed", never mind the circumstances.<P>Oh yes, I nearly forgot. No mention of the affair at all. I guess the timing of that, the last 1 1/2 years, is just coincidental to his leaving and his unwillingness to invest one minute working on the marriage. He says he loves both kids and they come first in his life, yet apparently they're not important enough to make a genuine effort to keep the family intact.<P>After so much time, I don't really feel sad, but I am angry. Just feel like venting, I guess. I really don't know where I'm going with this now. Any thoughts?<P>Time to crawl into a bath with a bottle of wine. Chat with you tomorrow.

Dear Distressed<P>Get a copy of the book 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers. Read it as many times as you have to and I guarantee you will not look back. His attitude is exactly that. His desire for reaction is exactly that. Do you see how little you trust this man. He tells you he is divorcing you and you do not even believe him. That is a strong indication that his word is not to be trusted. I wish you well for the future as it is time to leave the past behind, take everyday as it comes and continue to enjoy your family and be the best person you can be. Start living your life as if it was a happy, normal life and see the difference it can make. Read my profile and then read my last post. I am doing well and feeling better than I have for a long time.<P>FET<P>------------------<BR>Make each day count.

Distressed,<P>I was sorry to read your post. I swear there must be some kind of manual that they get these words from. My H told me shortly after he left that he didn't like my personality, that if I changed, it wouldn't last. He, too, talked in vague generalities - because then there doesn't have to be any logic behind what he says.<P>I think the fact that they can't be honest about the fact that they left us for an OW, even after all this time, is one of the hardest things to deal with. <P>I suspect your H's OW is pressuring him to get a divorce, though I wonder why now and not earlier. I am convinced that much of the behavior of these conflict avoiders is orchestrated by a dominant OW.

Distressed:<P>Sorry to hear the news. I don't blame you for being skeptical either---your husband has hardly been a man of action.<P>And this quote:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He says that every once in a while I regress and he's afraid that things will be as they were during the worst times. He says he's changed alot in the fifteen years we've known each other and things that didn't bother him about me then, overwhelm him now. He says all these things, even though he's never once told me what aspects he's talking about, what I should be changing, when I regress (and from what), how he's changed, and what I could be doing differently. I also guess the fact that I've treated him so nicely, while knowing he's been sleeping with a woman at his office and chose her over me and the family, counts for nothing either. I've still periodically "regressed", never mind the circumstances.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>is classic "fantasy-land" babble. He still appears firmly involved in the affair.<P>If you don't yet know what you want to do, then I'd suggest that you do nothing. Let him do the work---that'd be a change for him, anyway.<P>God bless.

Distressed, I'm sorry that if he had to take action, this is the action he chose. I thought forevertrue's statement that you don't even trust him that he filed is a defining statement. I don't think my H truly understands why I don't & maybe never will trust him...after all, he's been good for 3 weeks...<P>I'm not a proponent of divorce, but nobody else is living the life we are and sometimes, sadly, divorce is the solution.<P>Lor

My H is playing the same mind games with me. He says that he is afraid I will go back to how I was before (even though that was really not the problem in our marriage, it was his affair etc.) I think it is their way of putting the responsibility for the breakup on us. They aren't "man enough" to take the responsibility themselves. <P>MY H keeps saying that "my actions" will be the only thing to save this marriage. I think he is just trying to manipulate me into not bringing up the affair during divorce proceedings etc. <P>Aren't they a piece of work??? I have decided not to fight it anymore. If he want's a divorce, he can file and be accountable to God!! <P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Distressed (edited February 24, 2000).]

I was served D papers last week. I was warned they were coming and I didn't believe it, when they came I was in shock. Seeing it on paper, makes it all the more real.<P>I have good days and bad days , accepting and refusing to accept this horrible situation.Keep up your strength and I am glad you sound so "ok" with this.<P>He probably didn't mention the affair, in case, you could use this in court against him. Just a thought. Depending on what type of divorce laws you have, you may have the upper hand here.<P>I believe all OW force the divorce issue on to the wayward spouse. Just my opinion.<P>Prayers are with you today.

Distressed,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>No point in talking about it since there's nothing we can do about it. What kind of attitude about life is that?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That seems to be my H's attitude about life, too. And look where it got them - and more significantly, us. <P>Would you be interested in corresponding via e-mail? I remember that you put your address on a post awhile ago, but I wanted to check with you first.<P>

What BULL... He puts the kids first. Yeah right! If he put the kids first he would do whatever it took to make the marriage work.<P>As I have been told DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOUR SPOUSE SAYS when they are addicted. IT IS NOT YOU it is your H in a fantasy land. <P>

Distressed,<P>When I saw your post, it made me feel sick. All I have to offer is, of course he didn't mention the affair. Don't you know the affair has nothing to do with this?(Sarcasm)<BR>Of course the kids are #1 in his life. That's why he walked out on them! I've heard all this bull from my ex. His love for his kids sure doesn't make him want to spend more time with them. Right now, the only person these guys love is themself. Hope your doing O.K.<P>AD

Lonelymom - Thank you for your warning. I'm sure it will be an emotional moment when those papers eventually show up. Psychologically, it may have been easier for me to divorce him, but I felt it wrong on principle. He is responsible for this situation and he should be the one resolving it. In a way, I'm glad he's starting to see it that way. <P>The scary part is I think he really believes his letter. He thinks the affair has nothing to do with anything, that he loves and is committed to both children, and is involved in their lives. He is gone and yes, it has NOTHING to do with me.<p>[This message has been edited by Distressed (edited February 24, 2000).]