...or maybe it was broken a while ago and I just shut it out. <BR>The pain has always been there but for some reason today has been especially hard. Maybe just resignation. Who knows...<P><BR>I try to "pretend" that all is well but then I just can't. I think of having the talk with the kids when daddy moves out and it kills me. Why do they have to deal with such shi!!y stuff. They are so innocent and pure. I hate what this is going to do to them. <BR>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <P>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited February 23, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited February 23, 2000).]

{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Got that awful heavy feeling in your gut..don't it just plain suck....I've felt it all too often.......<P>Know this...no matter what happens after this it <B>is not</B> you!!!<P>You have done your best...I bet your self-esteem is shot right now...Mine is finally comming back.....Hell my W left me for a 17 yr old dope fiend loser....My esteem was in the crapper for a long time...I tell you this much...It does come back and it comes back stronger than ever. You are a good woman...never forget that...<P>About the kids they are the real victims...their safe secure family is ripped apart by one of their parents total self-centeredness....How old are yours?...There is no easy way to tell them....I bawled like a baby when I told mine that mommy and daddy couldn't live together...I still cry some nights when I put her to bed....<P>Anyhow I just wanted to commisurate with you, and let you know you're not alone in your feelings..<P>I'm still praying for you guys,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

patient love, Telling the kids was the worst thing I ever had to do in my life. Especially since they had never seen us fight. THe last memories they had were of us hugging in the kitchen and him calling me "mommy". Plus he was devoted to them. But after a business trip with Op (EA) He became someone I didn't know. It was torture from me. OUr 10 year old daughter did the worse and is still in bad shape. She has an apt. with counselor. My 5 year old told her class her dad left because she pees in her pullup at night (she is going to a play therapist). My son 8, keeps his feelings bottled up. We talk about colors. What color is he feeling today (yellow-happy to black-) He mostly feels brown to black. I ventilate to a few close friends so I won't violate his memory to them (although they'll figure it out). I keep reassuring them that they did not do anything to cause this and they cannot do anything to make it change. I tell them that this is something going on with Daddy, this is not about us. He loves them and we love him. I tell them that the adults do not even understand what is going on so how can the children. They have gotton a lot of support from his mom and his brothers and sister.<BR>We also pray!!!!! e-mail back if you want any other suggestions when telling the kids. We told the 10 year old separately. (8 and 5 year old together)

Thanks Bill,<P>I just got off the phone with him and now I am bawling like a baby. He basically said he sees no reason why he shouldn't be friends with her. He said "So you are in agreement with all the people on the board then?" huh?<P>I feel like crap and that is putting it mildly!!!!!<P>our kids are<BR>Rachel 8 yrs<BR>Brennden 4 yrs<BR>Carson 2 yrs (female-I usually have to say that since her name could go either way)<P>Thanks again Bill<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Thanks Claudia,<P>Feel free to e-mail me as well.<P>patientl0ve@yahoo.com<P>note: the o in love is a zero<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole,<P>It is H*!!. At least my children are adults, but I see how it affects them and then there are the grandchildren. <P> I don't really understand in my heart why they can't let go of the OW. I understand the addiction in my head but... <P>H has been gone over 6 months. BUt all summer he would not let go of her he wanted to remain friends with the OW he couldn't understand either why he couldn't and then he left.<P>No words of advice just wanted you to know you aren't alone. And that you are in my thoughts, and prayers {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} for you and the children<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS,<P>Thanks for the hugs.<P>I just tucked my little angels in to bed(it's 8:00 here).<P>I feel like such a failure. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty too. He also said that I was just giving up on 11 years just like that. I know in my head that it isn't me but I can't help feeling if I just give him another chance then maybe...but then I look back at the last 5 months and see how nothing has really changed. He doesn't want to give her up, sees no reason, and there it sits.<P>Thanks for listening guys.<P>I hate bringing the board down like this, but I needed a good vent and cry.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited February 23, 2000).]

I know what you are feeling and boy is this s!!tty.<P>My H is taking his own sweet time in leaving,<BR>what really hurts is he doesn't want to leave<BR>"his house" and I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt his kids,Both teens.<BR>but he continues to be with OW, he has gotten sneakier and sneakier about it, <BR>for almost 2 years I've tried to plan A and it had no effect on him.<P>I'm tired of putting up his infidelity and his feeling there is no marriage to work on<BR>so I told him to leave, but like I said he's taking his own sweet time and prlonging my pain.<P>I wish I could give some words of comfort to you,<BR>I'm so sorry for your young children, they will be affected the most and you have to be strong for them,<BR>even tho some days it seems impossible. <P>Remember our Lord, Jeremiah 33,3 I hope you find peace soon. <P>------------------<BR>Peg

Peggy,<P>Thanks for the support.<P>I try to be strong for them but sometimes I just break. Like tonight, I completely lost it in front of them. I hate when I do that. They don't need to see mommy crying like that.

Nicole,<BR>Sometimes you can't help it the tears come whether you want them to or not. You are not given up on 11 years, he is. You have no reason to feel guilty. He is the one who will not give up the OW. You have told him that he can't continue the friendship (affair)and expect you to be able to accept it. He is the one who has made the choice. There is no such thing as a friendship with the OW. It has to be all or none. <P>Don't worry about bring the board down that is what we are here for . To lend a shoulder when the other needs it. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

{{{{{PatientLove}}}}}<P>I just wanted to say that I am praying for you and your little angels. I know this is hard for you and them. Sometimes daddies don't see the heartache they can bring their children without meaning or wanting to. Also, the little ones feel a lot of the things that their mommy feels. It's just human nature. Take care of them, take care of you - I am lighting a candle for you.

SDS-thanks again.<P>studentwife-thanks for the prayers and hugs. The crappiest part is that he knows exactly what he is doing to his kids. Divorce was such a huge part of his early life, he never really had a dad around on a permanent basis. It just really sucks!

Oh, Nicole.....<P>I can't say this surprises me; I wish it did. <P>Now, where did I put that 2 x 4? <P>It sounds to me as if Arik is one of those guys who has to have the last word, who doesn't want to feel "controlled." And in his stubbornness, he's willing to give up everything. <P>Because I'm dealing with a continued friendship myself, I might be more willing to say to you "Try it for a while if you want your marriage," but then I remember that this is the guy who originally posted as "2soulmates."<P>Even though you've dealt with a full-blown affair, you are now in the situation I was in, and that Lora is in, and gee, how many people who used to be on this board -- Cuddles, and that girl in the New York whose H had apartment rental papers in his briefcase but insisted the girl was just a friend, so many others. These guys think if they're not actively doing the horizontal mambo with the OW, there's nothing wrong.<P>I don't really know what you can do. Arik is pretty immature, it seems, and he's going to have to grow up sometime. He sure as heck doesn't want to hear what anyone else has to say.<P>Part of me thinks, though, that it's the ATTENTION he gets by continuing his relationship with OW that keeps him going. With kids, any attention, even negative, is better than none. It's clear that Arik needs a lot of attention; witness his deliberately inflammatory posts here. And they always end up with flames going off them, because they set people off here. <P>Attention.<P>When he continues contact with OW, it gets a rise out of you.<P>Attention.<P>Just a thought, and keep in mind that I'm an ignoramus and don't know what I'm doing either:<P>What if you just ignored it? Don't comment on it. When he tells you he talked to OW, don't say anything. Meanwhile, start taking really great care of yourself. Get a new hairstyle. Get your nails done. Buy some new clothes. Take up T'ai chi. Buy a sports car yourself! Just kidding on the latter, but you see what I mean.<P>I wonder if the rise out of you isn't what's motivating him to continue.<P>Anyone else have any thoughts on this? Or is this guy just being that much of a dork?

I think Dazed and Confused hit the nail right on the head now if you could borrow that 2 by 4 you could do the same to him.<P>I guess that would be giving him too much attention tho. <P>------------------<BR>Peg

Hey, Nicole...Dazed has some great advice for you. My take on this(and I read most of Arik's posts before he cleaned house) is that he is very, very immature. He really wasn't ready for the responsibility of a wife and family and unfortunately you are a victim of some very bad judgement on his part.<P>As for your heart, it probably has been broken several times. I know mine has. It's not just the case that it might have been broken before and you just shut it out until now. All of this is such a roller coaster that your heart gets broken and then something happens to allow it to heal, just to be broken again.<P>Just hang in there. Don't let him make you feel bad. The way he is acting, he isn't worth it. Sorry to say that because I know you still love him, but the disrespect and disloyalty he is showing you right now is totally inexcuseable.<P>Do what Dazed suggests and start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. You can't do a thing about Arik, it's a road he has to travel alone. Hopefully he will come to his senses or he is going to spend his life lonely and sad. Just don't do that yourself.<P>Luv ya and some big mondo hugs...<BR>--DeWayne--

Nicole,<P>Dazed is again on the mark. Please know that this is not about anything that you could have or should have done differently.<P>Arik needs to be right, to feel like he is the "winner". He is angry because you are in agreement with others who have been able to look at things with the objectivity of those on the "outside" and don't like what this is doing to you. He cannot see that for so long people cared and offered support to him. That people tried to offer him the insight that would help him to see just how truly hurtful his behaviour and attitude has been. That if he didn't wake up soon he was at risk of losing a woman and family who should be the centre of his universe. <P>It is fine to disagree with some of the fundamental principals of MB however there are some principals that are so tried, tested and true that to disagree with them puts a strained relationship into further jeopardy and turmoil. Deep down I susptect he knows what is right but is still locked in his fantasy of "wanting it all".<P>Telling the kids is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I can tell you from experience that it will also cause you to resent Arik somewhat more for the fact that his actions are causing the hurt. Be the best Nicole and mommy you can. Let things go around the house if it means that you have extra time to be with Rachel, Brennden, and Carson while leaving time for you. You will find profound joy in their innocence and their smiles while you all heal.<P>Know that this is truly ARIK'S LOSS! Someday he may wake up and realize what an a$$ he has been. For his sake, hopefully it will not be to late.<P>I have an article on "how to tell the kids", if I can find it, I will e-mail it to you if you like.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

Sorry, it's a testing... something wrong with my ID... please ignore this post. Sorry.

Nicole,<P>Your heart was broken at the beginning, but the constant reopening of the wound intensifies the pain.<P>You and I came on this board at about the same time. Arik claims his affair had only one physical incident and so was my husbands. We have children, too.<P>But, my husband accepted responsibility for his actions, and immediately devoted himself to repairing the damage. He ended a 14 year friendship with the other woman because it had crossed the line on that one occasion. He has given up many of his old hurtful behaviors to save our relationship.<P>Arik wants to maintain a relationship that he knows is more painful to you than anything else in life. He cares more about himself than you. Let's be honest, he is hanging on to the hope that she will agree to reestablish a relationship with him. If she did agree to do so, do you think for one minute he would be faithful to you? Do you really want a spouse who would put another person ahead of you, as well as come to this site and constantly tell us all how much he loves this other woman? His behavior is abusive, cruel, and disgraceful.<P>I am not advising you on what to do, just suggesting that you prepare yourself. Nicole, please look after you, because I am sorry to say that your husband probably never will.<P>My heart is hurting for you, I know that you and your children deserve so much better than this.<P>With prayers and best wishes for your happiness,<P>Peppermint

Nicole,<P>Check your e-mail.<P>Beth

No real words of wisdom; Dazed said it well... just hugs and thoughts to you, Nicole...<P>One thing to expand from Dazed... when he mentions the “C” word, just change the subject... “Could you pick up some milk on the way home?” Don’t give him the attention he craves.<P>I just have to shake my head... I was so close to going down that path... I thought <B>I</B> was stubborn, but at least I took responsibility for my actions and have worked hard on my marriage... worked harder on that than on anything I ever have in my life. I hope he wakes up soon, Nicole...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die