Yes, you are a broken record! <P>So, please tell me why it's better to talk to one of the Harley's than a counselor in my area, in person face-to-face???<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination. -Carl Rogers

I am beginning to even think that K IS Steve Harley incognito.

Susan,<P>Try to get an appointment with Steve, during his 8 am to 10 pm hours... Realize that he's booked pretty solid. Then ask yourself if he'd have time to be here as much as I am (hell---I don't even have that much time...)<P> <P>What's so good about Steve (or one of the other Harleys)?? Well, if you believe in the MarriageBuilders philosophy, which is behaviorally-based, you might as well go to the source. There are counselors who use the Harley techniques all over the country. Some register with MarriageBuilders, and if you call the MB office, you may be able to get a referral.<P>But even then, I found the convenience and benefits of phone counseling to outweigh any potential benefits of office counseling. A lot of therapists will tell you that phone counseling is fine for crises counseling, but not good for "long-term" therapy. But those that are telling you that don't do phone counseling, have a vested interest in office counseling, and don't have any data to back up their position.<P>On to Steve. He's terrific. He's a great coach and motivator. He won't feed you the answers that you need to arrive at by yourself, but he's not going to waste too much time letting you twist in the wind in an attempt to find the answer (in essence, I believe that you'd say that he's good with the Socratic method). He will help you change the behaviors that you need to, while giving you perspective and hope that this will be effective in the end. He was extremely knowledgeble in the dynamics of affairs---when I started I felt like I was the only one who had gone through this. SAA wasn't in print yet, and Steve helped me realize that everything we were going through was "typical" of an affair.<P>Steve got on me when I needed it. He supported me when I needed it. He encouraged me when I needed it. He gave me perspective when I needed it. He gave me plenty of praise when I deserved it.<P>So, in my relatively "closed" experience of three counselors (two face-to-face, one "Steve"), I found Steve about 100x more helpful then the other two. And we did end up saving this marriage---through circumstances in which I would have thought impossible (and I believe that Steve wasn't optimistic for a while). And the skills that I have learned through Steve has helped our marriage to grow much better. <P>There. That's the endorsement. And no, I don't get a commission...

Hey, K,<P>When something works... go with it, I guess!<P>I'm not an auditory person, or even much of a "phone person" and I can't imagine getting the help I need over the phone. That's why I ask...<P>Still wondering...<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR>

Hi K,<P> I agree with you, we had 3 counselors, 2face to face....one told my H he needed to get down on his knees and "repent".....the second one told him he needed to express his creativity (I told her he had been way TOO creative!) and then there was Steve....I would start in and he would get right to the point and was the only one who gave me some HOPE.....and also none of that blaming your childhood stuff.!,btw, my H did come back (Iwas coached about Plan B....but recovery is proving harder...my H won't do counseling anymore).....LU

Sheryl - If you do decide to try phone counseling with Stever, get a speakerphone! That might make it seem a little more like an office visit. Especially if you can get your H in on the session. Then the three of you can sit and have a real conversation instead of just taking turns. Just a thought.<P>Hope you find something that works for you. My experience with local couples counselors has not been good. They did go a lot into old childhood stuff and neither one ever managed even to get close to the real issue that's tearing our marriage apart, my W's affair. So be wary. I also might consider going with Steve or somebody he recommends, if my W ever confesses her affair. My understanding from reading SAA and his online articles is that the healing process can't really begin until the betrayer has at least admitted his or her affair. One of the lacks of the Harley system, it seems to me, is support for a betrayed spouse in a marriage where the betrayer just continues to deny the affair. I really would like to see more said about this stage. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex