I am still very new here, and I read more than I post, but there seems to be an "inner circle" here that mostly respond to each other. I know there is not much time to do everything, so I don't mean it to be critical. I'm just begging if there is any collective wisdom out there that some of you would share. I guess it's like peeling an onion. I seem to be one of the lucky ones if my h is in fact over the OW as he claims. But under that layer, we are facing again how to deal with his job situation. I think if Jennifer Harley continues to push him to quit or if I push to hard, it could wreck our recovery. But he has to work, and he needs work that is challenging and enjoyable to him. I don't work and could travel with him. But how much can kids take of this even if I could hire the right person to watch them??? I am really torn on this. If you have any ideas, please answer my thread...this job is hazardous to your marriage. Thanks, all.

I tend to agree with Jennifer ... he needs to be away from the OW completely. I am the betrayer in our marriage, and if I had to work with the OM everyday I would be in utter turmoil EVERYDAY.<P>As it is, he's thousands of miles from here now, and I see his face as clearly as the last time I saw him.<P>I believe for complete healing ... and complete peace for YOU, he needs to find another job. There are millions of challenging jobs in the world. I'm sure he can find one if he'd look.<P>JMHO.

Maya, he is totally away from the OW. She lives in Brazil and he doesn't have to go there. No, the need to change jobs is to do away with the travel.

Oh, sorry ... I didn't know that. Geez, how nice to have her in another COUNTRY!<P>Is he willing to look for another job?

Schizzo,<BR>I agree that travel is hard on a family. Even being on call is difficult on a family. It comes with the job. I personally chose not to be in a job that required me to be on call or on the road a lot because I knew that it would not be good for my family. However, that didn't keep me from ending up here suffering the pain of an unfatihful W.<P>However, in your case, it is important for you both to agree (POJA) on what is best for your family to survive. I would also recommend that you pray together if you both are Christians. Prayer goes a long way to solving problems. Also read and study the Bible together so that both of you know what God has to say about marriage and other things that occur in our lives. No one wants to read the manual, the Bible. How are we supposed to know what to do when things go wrong if we don't read the manual to tell us what to do when we do something stupid to cause our problem.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

schizzo,<P>I think you and your H have to sit down and discuss whether that job change is feasible.<P>In the ideal world... he'd just give it up for the honor of the marriage... but... the real world steps in and often crushes the "ideal"...<P>With that said... "what is of most value to you & H... work or marriage". Recovery implies building of "honesty"... if you have reached that point of honesty... you can discuss... brainstorm... and do some sacrificing on both sides!<BR>-----------------<BR>I know what you mean by the "inner circle"...<BR>I think I've "joined" it a bit... but I think it is more or less a matter of situation...<BR>The good majority of the individuals (in this "inner circle" I think you are referring to) are betrayeds... and the commonality is that their spouses are <B>not</B> coming out of that fantasy world. Your spouse and you are in (what appears) to be a decent recovery...<P>Don't get disheartened at the lack of replies to your posts... when you find someone closer to your situation... send a post specifically to them!<P>I know we <B>all</B> honestly care about each other regardless of the specifics of our respective stuations. <P>I care for you too... <P>Jim

schizzo,<P>Don't take the clique thing too hard here. <P>I think I posted to you before, but here's another shot.<P>I haven't counseled with Jennifer Harley, but if she's half as good as Steve, then I'd listen to her. Now, I doubt very much that she's telling you to demand that your husband leave his job---that's not the way the MarriageBuilder material works. On the other hand, it's important that you spend time together. It's one of the rules that they have found critical to the success of a marriage.<P>So, you use the Policy of Joint Agreement to negotiate something like that. You bring all the options to the table: your husband quitting, your husband taking a job with less travel, you traveling with him... there are lots of options to explore. You try to arrive at one that you can both agree on.<P>And if you can't agree completely, I'd try solutions that are "reversible" for a while. For example, you could travel with him, and find someone to take care of the kids. There are risks involved, and you will be concerned, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a try.

hi again, My h also travels. He is gone now, will return in Feb. It is not at all easy on a marriage, and makes recovery that much more difficult. We have made some future plans and are attempting to change things. He will change job next summer, but until then the travel continues. <BR>We keep in touch via e-mail, faxes, and sometimes phone. We are trying not to phone much as it is so expensive to call asia.<BR>Trust was a major issue with the travel. It is really hard to build trust when they are gone-I found the standard methods people here used did not work so well for me! I abt drove myself crazy with worry. Finally I made the decision to just give him the trust-it is his, he can do what he sees fit. If he should make the choice to betray, then the marriage was not on the road to recovery was it? <BR>Look for some solutions, they are there! You may have to get very creative, but use the poja and keep working at it til you are comfortable with the plan.

I was waiting until after our "inner circle" meeting to respond, but I guess I'll say something now. BTW, I've posted to you before as well. (psst...there is no inner circle - some of us have just been here a long time).<P>If you can travel with your husband, I would go. My wife used to go on trips with me and every once in a while, we would take one of our kids with us. If you're talking about extensive travel for long periods of time, that perhaps it is best that he gets another job. That type of lifestyle is not good for a family and especially a marriage.<P>SHA

Sorry, I couldn't get back to you before. The funniest thing happens when I try to get into this forum on my computer. It specifically will not let me in to the infidelity section. I have to wait and borrow my h's laptop!<P>cl, I agree about just deciding to give him the trust. Even when he's not traveling, he is all over town, and I reach him by cell with no idea where he is. Plus I'm just not the type to be checking up on him. He knows if he strays again, there will be no more marriage. I feel for you waiting till Feb. Can you join him? If my h goes for a long one instead of several short hops, we have all gone with him.<P>It is regarding the specific options we could think of that I was asking. Has anyone tried leaving kids on a regular basis??? I like the idea about trying things before it becomes reversible. Will look for opptys.