I'm not really sure why I am even writing here...again. I am really hurting right now, and very discouraged. I have kind of been reading some of your posts...and feel like we have shared some very similar experiences and struggles. I think more than anything...I just need to "vent" here to someone who can relate to what I am going through. I will try to be brief and to the point.<P>I am a married man, 19 years, pretty good marriage, and three beautiful daughters. Believe it or not, I have been involved with christian ministry for about 10 years. I also teach in a public school. Last year, I found myself "drawn" to a woman here at school. First time I can say I was seriously tempted in this area. There was never any inappropriate discussion or action, but my heart and mind was getting "sucked" into a serious attatchment here...and I am pretty certain the feelings were mutual. For obvious reasons, I was scared. <BR>With my wife very, very busy with her schooling, we have "Grown apart" and there were just some needs going unmet in my life. Feeling rather lonley and isolated...I enjoyed the company of this teacher, but began to fear the tragic consequences that would result if I didn't put the brakes on this thing. It was a fierce battle that I finally shared with my wife, but she seemed more "put out" by my struggles than willing to help me out.<P>I stumbled across this web sight...and to make a long story short..."Met" someone on these boards nearly a year ago...who was coming out of their own dilema. We kind or "related" to each other...and started cooresponding off and on. I was trying to give her some spiritual support...and she was a sympathetic ear to me. To make a long story....interesting....we became quiet attatched to each other. It really "heated" up in late September of last year...and I drove 500 miles to meet her in the state she lived in. We had two brief meetings...some sexual contact, but no intercourse. To put it mildly, we "fell in love" with each other.<BR>We never thought it would have come to that. But it did. We knew we had to end it there...and get our lives straightened up. I came home and a week later, confessed to my wife. She was, needless to say...devestated...crushed...heartbroken. We have not really been able to discuss this issue much...just too much on her plate right now with school...just a couple of months left till she is done.<P>Here's my problem. About two weeks after the "disclosure"....me and the OW began communicating again. You know the story...withdrawl...longings...the whole nine yards. We have tried on numerous occasions to "make the break" from each other...we know all the truth...logic...reason...consequences...counseling...advice...etc. You name it...we've heard it. ANd everytime...we "snap back" closer to each other than ever before. I've prayed, fasted...got on anti-depressants, counseled...prayed for deliverance...and yet, still...unable to "break free." Once again, we are trying to "do the right thing." She, the OW, is on a two week trip with her husband outside of the country. We both are hoping this time will be the "break" we need. <P>But I am dying inside...I've read and heard all the stuff on "Fantasy" and "soulmates" and everything else that goes with this. All that aside...I am in love with this woman..and she is with me. I feel so hopeless, not wanting to hurt or destroy anyone's lives...but all the logic and reasoning in the world does not seem to make a "dent" in this emotional struggle I am drowning in. I have never wished or desired for anything stronger than what my heart cries out for now...than to spend the rest of my life with this woman. She has been married for 9 years, no kids. We have not tried to justify our situation...nor blame anyone else. Yet...we both are struggling in the war of our lives...we know what the "right" thing is...we just have trouble doing it...or even "wanting" to do it.<P>This may sound even more pathetic...but if given a chance to "wave a magic wand" and be granted one wish...just so you know the place I am in...I would wish to start my life over afresh with this OW with God's blessings...rather than "wish for my own marriage to be restored. Am I just utterly hopeless?!?<P>Thanks for listening...<BR>I am so pitifully defeated in this situation...and feel so far from God right now.<P>***sigh***<p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited March 08, 2000).]

NoMas,<P>Well you are not hopeless, and your problem is that you have merely fallen into a trap that Satan has been laying for you for many years. Do you really think it is just a coincidence that you met a woman who was having similar problems? Satan or one of his minions have been watching you for years just waiting for a chance to set you up. <P>I am not going to be nearly as gentle with you as I would with others. I am much more gentle with women, but you are a Christian brother. GET AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN AND NEVER SEE HER AGAIN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I have had two close friends leave their wives for the OW, and within three months, they were begging their wives to take them back, but it was too late. I always told myself that if I ever found another friend in the same situation, I would break his legs before I allowed this to happen again. <P>Look deep inside yourself, you know that God is never going to bless someone who would leave a family and start up an illicit relationship. You don't need a magic wand, you need to get down on your knees right now and confess this sin to God, and ask him to restore your feelings for your wife. You know, the ones that you have pushed so far down inside that you don't even remember having. Next you need to get to your pastor, elders, or whoever you respect and tell them the whole sordid story. Talk to as many people as you can. Then get them all to check up on you so that you can be accountable. Don't try this on your own, keeping you isolated and in the dark is part of Satan's plan. Remember, sunlight is the best disinfectant. Don't let another day go by without doing this. You are now so far away from God that you are not able to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit, so the next best thing is for you to get other Christians to surround you with prayer and keep you away from this good woman who is being used as a tool of Satan. I have just prayed for God to put a hedge around you to keep temptation from you so that you can do this. <P>Of course you feel far from God. You are completely ignoring him and you know it. He has tried to give you lots of signals that what you are doing is wrong, you have ignored these, and now you feel far from him. I wonder whose fault that is? It is time to wake up, get back to God and restore the relationship with your wife. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You. <BR>John

NoMas:<P>I am weeping for you, because I know your pain all too well.<P>Here are some of the words to a song that I have sung in my head over and over. I think that the words were taken from a passage of scripture in Isaiah. I do not know who wrote it (I didn't). If I knew who wrote it, I would give proper credit.<P>When you read the words to the song, read them as if God is saying the words to YOU:<P>********************************************<BR>When you pass through the waters I will be with you. And the waves, they will not overcome you. Do not fear -- for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name -- you are Mine. I am the Lord your God. I'm the Holy One of Israel, the Savior. I am the Lord -- do not fear. I am the Lord -- do not fear. Do not fear.<BR>*********************************************<BR>NoMas, God doesn't break promises. If He says that He will be there, He will be there. He might not manifest Himself in the way that YOU or I think that He should. But, He's there. I know that it doesn't seem like it right now, but everything will be okay. You will get through this.<P>Listen to IsIt2late. He's your brother in Christ. He cares for you. <P>I'm your sister in Christ. I've been where you are...it appears we've both worn the same pair of shoes. You know what you have to do, it's just a matter of doing it. I know that you are scared. I know that you think that if you stop seeing the other woman that you will be throwing away your "soulmate"/"the love of your life". Just remember: That's exactly what the devil wants for you to think. I can remember thinking those same things...<P>NoMas, RUN. I know, that's not exactly the most articulate or the most eloquent advice that you will ever hear. But, it's the only advice that I know how to give you right now. Run from the other woman and NEVER look back. I'm not giving you any advice that I haven't followed myself.<P>I know, it's AGONY.<P>I will be looking for posts from you.<P>Just remember...you are loved.<P>Peace.<P>Jill<P><BR>

Nomas,<P>If you feel comfortable doing so, please email me at azhootie@yahoo.com. I would like to share with you but I'm sure it will open me to a ton of abuse from these wonderful, well-meaning folks here. If you are not comfortable emailing me, let me know and I'll respond here. <P>Hurting probably as much as you, Judy

Really not sure what to say anymore... I feel like I've "heard it all". Just having a hard time getting my heart and head to "line up" together. <P>azhootie...feel free to post "whatever"here. Not sure I should email you at this point. I might later....but sounds like you are in a similar place as I. I applaud your move to cancell your trip back east. <P>Jill....saw your other post tonight about "confessing". I did it with tears...and humbled myself. Obviously...I am in need of more grace. Guess we are all learning some stuff the hard way.<P>***sigh***<P><BR>John....thanks for your words...no problem speaking "strong"....to me. Can't disagree with anything you said. Problem is...I've been doing that. Been very frustrating and confusing. Just about "out of gas here."<P>I'm hanging on....barely.

okay, will try posting here but I just took a good bashing from two people (one especially hard....said I was acting self-righteous because I said I was ending the affair for his wife and family??!?!? really hurt because this is killing me and neither he nor I want it to end but I put my foot down and said it has to because of what it could do to his wife if she found out...here I'm trying to be compassionate and get told I'm self righteous??!?!)<P>First of all, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's funny because I went thru a similar situation in December whereby I was going on a cruise with my family (brothers, sisters, their kids, my kids, my mom) for a week, the day I returned he was leaving for Cancun with his wife for an event that his company puts together when the sales guys are 125% of quota or better. We thought it would be perfect because there was no way we could make contact for those two weeks. But we were both miserable most of the time. Oh sure, I had a great time and wasn't moping around with a long face but EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING made me think of him. And the same thing happened for him. Infact, they got in a rather big fight whilst in Cancun because she said he was "distant and disengaged" We couldn't wait for the two weeks to end so that we could talk again. So whilst I pray your situation will be different, don't expect miracles!!!<P>Another similarity is that I have encouraged him to work on repairing his marriage but he says he doesn't think he even wants to save it at this point. He's in love with me. Period. End of story. The reasons for staying are 1. his children. He has two sweet little girls, aged three and five. 2. The guilt he would feel for abandoning her since she doesn't work outside of the home. He's financially VERY able to provide for her even if they did divorce so that's a lesser reason. 3. The way his family and her family would take it. His mom and dad are still married and they really had a hard time when his brother got a divorce. I am more than positive that if the kids were not a factor (i.e. we met pre-children) he would have been long gone.<P>Now for the part that I am scared to post here for fear of all the backlash. I KNOW in my heart that all of these people mean well here and they are truly helping me but darnit, it is so much easier to sit there behind a keyboard and say NEVER SEE THIS PERSON AGAIN. I love this man more than I ever knew I had the capacity to love someone. Everyone has always told me that I had a huge capacity for love but I never knew the extent of it until now. People also tell me "oh Judy, you are truly filled with the Holy Spirit" and it kills me. I think to myself "if they only knew" .... I believe in God. I love Him soooo much and I know He must be terribly disgusted with my behavior but I also know He must weep at my pain. I know He searches my heart and understands that I really am trying. I know that Satan is attacking. I know. I know. I know. But I was trying to explain it to a friend. It's like I'm watching myself continue to do these things from out of my body. I can see what I am doing. I can see it's wrong but I keep doing it anyway. I am riddled with guilt but the pain of separation is greater. So it feels like people are trivializing what I am feeling when they so *seemingly* easily say "just stop it and never see this person again".<P>It's like giving up a part of me and as hard as I try, I can't do it. Now there are those who will say "can't means won't" Heck, I've said that many times about different things but I seriously find that I CAN'T break free from this. The pain becomes unbearable and I just have to hear his voice. *aaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh*<P>I can't offer you any advice. I am struggling just as much as you are. If you learn anything new, let me know because the standard canned "NO CONTACT" isn't working for me. Still trying tho!!!!<P>You will be remembered in my prayers tonight. Hope He's still listening to them. I read a post on one of the other threads that says God can't here you when you are in a state of sin. I'm not sure that's true???? I thought it was unconfessed sin and I confess and cry out for forgiveness each and every day of my life. I hope He's hearing me. Do you know if He is or isn't? I would take that to mean that He never hears the prayers of alcoholics/drug abusers, etc if that's the case and I have a hard time believing that. Lemme know if you have an answer on that, btw!<P>Hanging in there with ya! Judy

hi,<P>I have no words of wisdom, I am 'betrayed', but don't worry about me saying hard things.<P>i want to give you encouragement, it isn't easy and if I was in the spot I don't know how well I would be doing. Instead I give you this. God hears your prayers, always.<P>You are trying, hard. This alone is something to at least acknowledge. I was given these words of advice from a personal angel. She is my angel (I think they come in different forms), Lostva helped me so much. What she said , and it drove me nuts was... "it takes time". I am going to expand. Every day, every moment is hard. Take this day by day, moment by moment, step by step. Don't bite off too much, do it in pieces that you can work with. (and no it isn't easy)<P>I believe in God, maybe I don't go off and blurt it all out loud and proud. But in my heart and soul, God is there. God listens and helps, maybe not in the most blatent way that we would like.. but its there. Small bite size chunks. <P>I probably didn't help much, but know that I say a prayer for all the hurting people here. No matter what side of the table you are on.<P>J<BR>prayers, bite sized ones.

Simply J ~ I don't know if you are male or female but either way I'd love to give you a big huge hug. A million thanks. You have helped tremendously!!!!!! I am smiling and re-reading your post over and over. I tried a very stern no-contact letter the other day and it was sooo hard to write and afterwards felt awful and broke down and called him. He was so cold and angry with me because it truly was a harsh letter. Well just this VERY day I said nothing we have tried so far has worked as far as ending this so why don't we try to take little baby steps and ween ourselves from each other. Let's try a week of no-contact....touch bases, see how we're doing and then go for two weeks. And let's not beat ourselves up for caving but instead be positive about each day that we DO make it without contact. Your post said just the right thing at exactly the right time. Thank you SOOO much for taking the time to write. I got my feelings hurt pretty badly on here tonight and was feeling pretty low, your post made my darkness much brighter!

Hi, I am a guy (to ease your curiosity)<P>Remember what you have read here. Step by step, bit by bit. The reason for absolute<BR>no contact is for the following:<P>Each time you reconnect or touch base it starts the hurt in you from step one. Thats the catch. So if you touch base each week, its going to make you relive the hurt. Weening isn't going to work here I don't think. I am not wanting to bum you out but wanting to save you more hurt in the long run.<P>You are going to have to evaluate yourself and create goals. A goal for each day to start maybe to help with your long term goal.<P>For me it was to survive, literally. I made a list (thanks lostva)of what i need to do each day. Anything from types of exercise, cleaning, bed making, laundry, eating, walking everything. This will help to take your thoughts away from the thing you are trying to get around. <P>Now this is the catch and where circumstances may differ. Are you with your spouse still? You may not like contact with him, feeling etc that you are going through, but try to hmmm how to put it 'tolerate' him/her. They are going through a tough time too. Try to reassure them of your intentions and your plan. Right now you have better feelings with the OP because of what I like to call baggage. You see strife with your spouse but none with the OP, so its more natural to want to break from the spouse. Acknowledge it and accept it, it may make it easier if you see it coming.<P>Take it one step at a time, and make sure that if it is your intention to save a relationship, you try to include your H/W if you can. I know that I as a betrayed, would have really tried to help if I had the chance, whether it be by standing back, helping to pass the time, or the occasional hug.<P>We love you here, If I can help someone else save their marriage even though mine goes down, it's still worth it.<P>Prayers<P>James

Simply J ~<P>Nah, I am not married. So at least I'm only messing up ONE marriage! Sorry, my feeble attempt at humor in a situation that is truly no laughing matter.<P>I am trying to take your advice about setting daily goals but so often I catch myself daydreaming of him. He truly consumes me. These feelings and emotions are all so foreign to me. If you knew me, you'd see how totally out of character it is for me to allow my self-pride, self-dignity, self-love be damaged.......heck almost destroyed beyond repair. <P>Still, I am not giving up the fight. I will continue trying to take baby steps and get thru a day at a time......altho suddenly the days (and nights) seem longer. *heavy sigh*<P>Thanks for the kind words!!!<P>Judy

I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I'm sorry but I HAVE to ask this. I'm crying when I read about your pain and your love for this other woman. I honestly believe that in 99.9% of the cases the cheater is in fantasy land and it is much better that they stay with their spouse. Deep down they DO LOVE their spouse and not the OW or OM. But Geez, maybe this advice to stay away from the other person NO MATTER what is not the right advice for everyone. What about the cheater that knows they don't love their spouse anymore because they are incapable of loving more then one? Most I read about state that they do love their spouse. If that's true then cut the ties from the OM or OW and work on your marriage. But, gosh darn it, I my husband was dieing from a broken heart because he loved another woman I sure as heck wouldn't want to force him to stay with me out of pitty or obligation. I'd want it out of love. You all know by now that I did indeed marry the OM and I love him just as much now a few years later as I did the day I left my first marriage for him. It's a long road and it stinks and you live with continual guilt. But, it was not fantasy land it was a real and true love. Just once in awhile it really, really does happen. I read a letter from a woman once that stayed with her husband after having an affair. This was years later that she wrote the letter. She was filled with such TREMENDOUS pain because she regreted her choice. Years later she still loved the OM and because of that she never ever did have a good marriage with her husband, they eventually divorced and she was left broken hearted. I just ache so bad when I read this board sometimes. Your wonderful people, all of you.

Bonniesept: I agree with what you wrote wholeheartedly. As a woman, first and foremost then as someone who was betrayed (unconfirmed but I know in my heart it is true). <P>I believe it is truly wrong for a husband or wife to lay in bed next to someone night after night allowing that person to feel safe and secure and all the while the spouse knows in his/her heart that they do not love that person. <P>Do I feel that just because you think you "fell out of love" with your spouse you should throw it all down the toilet and start over? Nope, that's not what I am saying. What I AM saying is that if you have tried and tried and just know you no longer love that person and there is no hope of ever loving that person, it is the most unselfish thing in the world to let that person go to find the love they deserve and not stay out of pity or guilt or anything else. <P>Thank you for sharing that. I know it will not be well received but I for one was glad to read it.<P>Judy