Hello all,<P>I really didn't know where to post this exactly so here goes...<P>I had a really bad week last week. H and I are doing okay. We are in recovery but, something still seems to be missing? I miss so much and at the same time I am so grateful to have him here. <P>He really is trying. He won't lie to me and that is a real plus. He really wasn't a liar before the affair and it is nice to have back the honest man I knew.<P>I can't seem to just move on and be happy and care free. There is still so much pain involved in all of this and our lives are as complicated as ever.<P>We have come leaps and bounds. There are many more leaps and bounds we still need to achieve.<P>Daughter/Siobhan, the one with the schizophrenia has been in the hospital for over two weeks now again. I know I didn't post it here but, while we were on vacation she disappeared from her fathers house and was missing in action for almost a week. (I just didn't want to send up the red flag again here.) To make an immensely long story short she was picked up by police in a city about 20 miles from here in the wee hours of the morning. They decided that she needed to be in a hospital and took her to the one she had been in.<P>She had been beaten up and was in a filthy mess. They put her in the hospital and we got to at least rest safely knowing she wasn't hurting anyone or herself. We didn't need to keep our doors locked anymore and worry about her coming here to do away with me. (She had decided that I was the incarnate of evil and that she had to protect our daughter and her step father from me at all possible cost.) Needless to say her hospitalization was a huge relief.<P>She also decided that her step father (my husband) was her savior and protector. She wouldn't speak to me but, has kept contact with him since she has been in the hospital.<P>Then last week I started falling further and further down into sadness. I am definitely not over the effects of this affair. I chastise myself thinking that I should be way farther along in this process. Am I nuts? Do I like being miserable? Is it me who is not connecting and not husband? Needless to say I am very confused. I have been crying a lot lately. (No, it isn't PMS as I have no parts left thank you to some kindly Dr. I take hormone replacement therapy so there are no ups and downs in my rhythms in that respect.)<P>I have been having ideas of going out and finding an OM to spend time with. I long to feel that someone wants me and only me! I have not acted on this or do I think I will. Has anyone else had these crazy ideas?<P>I read all the stories here on all the forums and I wonder am I the only one that had a bad marriage? Was I the only wife that feel horribly short? Our lives here had become for many years a war zone. Everyone else here seems like they at least felt their marriages were good. Has anyone else come from the spot where there husbands actually did not love them anymore? I truly believe my husband did in fact quit loving me. Especially as a man loves a woman. I think too that may have happened before OW. Is there anyone out there that feels their situation was similar? <P>My husband still loves OW and thinks about her after one year past discovery. He now loves me too. He says he is falling in love with me. How come I don't feel it or feel the connection?<P>So that kind of sums up how I have been feelings.<P>Meanwhile Siobhan is in the hospital and calling me with tons of venom. She has decided that I have been having an affair for a year with a guy she knows. She has seen me with him. I shouldn't worry as she hasn't told H yet. <P>Next I keep getting calls that she is dilated. That she is having twins or triplets. This is all in her head. I find out she is giving the baby up for adoption. I PTL and hope this is what happens.<P>Flash now to yesterday morning, Sunday. <P>We were up late Saturday and went to sleep some where near 4 a.m. Daughter comes down at 11 a.m. and says my Mom just called and Siobhan has had the baby! I shot to a sitting up possition so fast I got a massive headache. (She is not due until the middle of April.)<P>I called my Mom. Apparently they tried to calls us around 5:30 a.m. and our ringers were off in our bedroom and even though D was not, none of us heard the phone. Siobhan indeed had the baby and my Mom, Dad and her father were there in delivery with her. She did really well and the baby was born at 8:02 a.m. He weighed 6 lb. 2 0z. and was healthy. Physically Siobhan came out of it okay. They asked her to name the baby. I couldn't understand that as she is supposed to be giving the baby up to adoption to another couple.<P>We shower and get dressed and head off to the hospital. The three of us. When we get to the maternity floor Siobhan has already been discharged and back on the psych floor. We go down and see the baby. He is of course beautiful! We can't touch him or hold him. He does not look part Mexican so even though she thinks she knows, she probably really in actuality has no idea who the father is.<P>We then went up to the psych floor to see her. We can see her through the glass at the desk and she is a mess. Evidentially they had just moved her back up there. No one was prepared and they all thought she'd be on the other floor longer. When we walk through the door she comes up to us and hugs us all individually. Me first, then H then D. We get her to go to her room.<P>A nurse from maternity needs to check her out and we have to wait out in the hallway. When the nurse comes out she says that she is in the bathroom and we can go in a few moments. After a long while I decide I am going in anyway. I walk in and she his changing her clothes to street clothes. It hasn't even been 8 hours since she had the baby. I try to talk her into getting into bed. I look down and she is folding a baby shirt very carefully and look over to see a new receiving blanket. The hospital gives these things to new mothers when they are discharged and since she was discharged from the maternity floor, I guess they gave them to her.<P>I ask her why they would give her those things if she is giving the baby up for adoption? She doesn't answer me. I ask her again and she looks at me with huge tears in her eyes and says "I can pretend can't I?" It took all composure I had not to loose it. I will always remember the look of pain in her eyes, it will haunt me forever. Here is my baby in a mental ward at he hospital, and she is in such pain!!!!! I hold her and we both cry. I tell her she doesn't have to pretend. She just needs to get better and accept what is wrong with her and take her meds and she can have a good life, and average life and go on to have anything she wants in the future. <P>I get her to sit on the bed and try and comfort her. I told her how proud I am of her and that she did a wonderful job. That I am proud of her for doing the right thing in giving the baby up. She proceeds to tell me she knows it is right and about the delivery. She says that she had a little girl too. That baby died. That a few minutes later it jumped into another woman and was born. (She did not have twins. This is just another delusion.) She is crying and grieving over the loss of the baby girl. Then she tells me that "Great Grandma" is across the hall. (my grandmother died four years ago.) I start to loose it and go out in the hall to get H and D.<P>We visit for a while and my son/her brother comes in. He has never visited her once whenever she was in the hospital. They are not close. Actually no one is close to Siobhan. It is impossible considering all the circumstances. She is really glad to see him. We all visit for a while and S and I go down to see the baby. He hadn't seen him yet. He took a few pictures that Siobhan was not to know about. Finally the visit ended and we all left. We couldn't get her to lay down and rest. On the way out she introduced me to my "grandmother."<P>Needless to say the day was hard. Afterwards H, D and myself went out to eat before we had to take him to work. I needed support and I was not getting it. He was cold and distant. I had a couple of drinks to numb myself. I did a few minor LB before we finally left he parking lot of his work.<P>It was a very emotionally draining day for me. Naturally I came home to many messages on my machine. People were calling with all sorts of questions. I really did not want to talk to anyone.<P>Husband came home from work and we watched a movie. Before he came home I had watched the movie "The OM, wife." The night went okay. He went to bed and I laid there for a while and knew I couldn't sleep. I got up and watched some more television.<P>This morning I get up early to go to work. I only work for a couple of hours. I come home and we are getting ready to go to the grocery store. The phone rings and it is Siobhan. <P>We talk for a few minutes and I can tell she is not doing well. Then she tells me she is keeping the baby!!!!!!! I try and talk to her rationally. It isn't doing any good. Keeping the baby is what we all feared would happen. She tells me considering the conspiracy that has been going on that she is keeping the baby, and did I hear her. She is going to keep the baby? Then after a while she has to go and we hang up.<P>I sat at the table a while dazed. Husband finally notices and asks what is wrong? I tell him and I can see the distance immediately come on his face. We talk a bit and I hear nothing that makes me feel better or more secure with us. I finally look at him and say "You are going to leave me eventually aren't you?" He returns with "I am here right now and none of us knows what the future holds." I tell him that while that is true that is what marriage is about and that is what a commitment is about and that I cannot live without knowing. That we are either working together on us and all that is in our lives or we are not. We talk a bit more. He expresses that of course she is going to keep the baby because it is the wrong decision. That she always makes the wrong decisions. (He is right, she always does.) We talk about how this is going to impact our lives. What we should or should not do. He tries to comfort me but the connection is not there. He reminds me we need to get to the grocery store as he is going to have to go to work in a few. I go to change clothes so we can do that.<P>I walk back in from the bedroom and see him staring into space. I ask him what he is thinking about? He tells me Siobhan. I can tell that is not all he is thinking about. I ask him if this is all making him want to go to OW? He confirms that it is. I tell him then maybe he should go soon and do that? He tells me no that he is not going to do that. We leave for the grocery store.<P>I ask him a few more things. I tell him we need to communicate. That he needs to tell me his feelings and thoughts. That for a long time OW was the only one he could really talk to. She was the only person he told his problems to. That she was the only one he was free to totally be himself with. That he needed to be able to tell his problems to someone. That he has that freedom with me and he is not using it. He says "Oh I am just supposed to tell you whenever I think of OW and what my thoughts are about her?" I say yes and isn't what I am thinking he is thinking probably worse? He says yes. He said why would I tell you about my thoughts of her and make it just fester. I said open wounds don't fester but scab over and heal. The wounds left inside and are covered up are the ones that get infected and fester. I said that we needed to have everything out on the table and in the open if we were to survive and thrive as a couple. He understood but, did not agree. He didn't exactly disagree but, again stated he just wanted to move on. Well, he is not moving on and we are not moving on. He is stuffing it all! We had arrived at the grocery store by this time and that ended the conversation.<P>We get home and get another phone call. Long story shortened he has maybe the possibility to go back on days. We both hate this shift he is on since November (he made this change to distance himself from OW) but, I have had a certain amount of security in knowing he was in different department and not at the plant at the same time OW was. I am happy and sad, excited and dreading it, pleased and fearful of it. He just called a short while ago from work to tell me that it looks like it is going to happen after all.<P>Can anyone say "Confused?" That along with a lot of other emotions are where I am at. So, in ending this (and I am so sorry it is so long!) I will say that those of you who are familiar with my story will understand better than the rest of you. I ask for prayers for all of the above and can't begin to list the separate ones I wish or think any of you should pray for. I am sorry this is not more of an up beat up date but, seems to be just where life is at the moment. If you have made it this far thanks in advance for reading this. You all are in my prayers daily if not more often. Big {{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} to all of you.<P><P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

Oh Samantha,<P>I have been thinking about you!!! My 'puter is a mess and ICQ was deleted. Will fix it.<P>I was glad to finally see an update from you, wondering what was going on.<P>Sorry I don't have any advice.<P>[[[[[[[[[[[[Samantha]]]]]]]]]]]<P>There is a very good thread in Recovery where I asked many of the same questions and got some good answers. It was a long one started by Cachos.<P>I am really starting to see that emotions follow our decisions. I believe my h not only cut contact with OW, but decided very deep down to give this family all he has, he let go of his feelings for the witch. Not sure how this happens, but he is 100% here.<P>And on my part, I have been hanging on to the past. I too have to decide to give us all I've got and stop looking back so much.<P>I may have to leave MB for awhile to better accomplish this.<P>But I do want to stay in touch, Sam.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Blessed Samantha,<P>I can not really offer you any advice right now, but I can lift your concerns up to God. I pray that his heart is filled with the holy spirit and opens his heart to you, that God gives you peace and clarity of thought, that he comforts you and quiets the confusion in your head. I pray that Siobahn is also filled with the holy spirit and that she will be moved to make the right choices. I pray also that The Lord blesses your new born.<P>Take care, Kevin<P>BTW, I do love your quote, at the bottom of all of your posts. One caveat, I think that with God on our side, we can not "lose". I'm not sure if he wants us to be "loose".

Sam,<P>Prayers to you. I am so sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you right now. Extra stess on top of marrital difficulties is never very easy to deal with. <BR>I wish I had something more uplifting to say to you. I will keep you in my prayers. A special prayer for that dear little baby as well.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SAMANTHA}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Sam, I forgot to mention this:<P>It struck me when reading the part that you needed his support and he was cold - that this must be very hard for him too. The OW witch might be more of a mental escape.<P>If he suffers something, I can comfort him, or vice versa. But what happens when we both suffer it at once?? He may just not have had anything to give right then, and though I fall into the same trap, stressful times are not a good time to talk about the relationship.<P>I guess she can't be forced to give up the baby even though she's not competent to raise it???

Dear dear Samantha<P>What a rough week. <P>You are a grandmother! I remember the day I went to the hospital and saw my first born grandchild - while I was pregnant with my last baby, and my grandchild went up for adoption as well.<P>Your plate is so full, my dear. Oh wow. Seems like the best solution is to move to another state right now. <P>Will say prayers. I am so overwhelmed, I don't know what to pray.<P>TNT

<B>Scizzo</B><P>I have been thinking of you too. Thank you so much for replying to my post and for your prayers.<P>I read Cachos' post before and read it again after I read your reply. There were many good suggestions and thoughts there and I will try and focus on the things I should.<P>I believe like you that my husband is trying to give his all to this marriage. Alas though his feelings for the OW are not gone. Part of that I think could be that his affair was so long. A total of at least 3 1/2 years. Compared to your husband that may be why it is not all over for him? I can only imagine that the longer our spouses are in this fantasy world the harder it is for them to come back completely.<P>I too am clinging to the past a bit. Unlike you though I feel it is because husband is there too. I firmly believe it would be much easier for me to move on if he could move on completely as well. Your comments on decisions though have not fallen on deaf ears and I will earnestly think about all you have said.<P>Your points on the second reply you gave made a whole lot of sense for me. I will be thinking of them a lot. Thanks so much for the insight. I do however believe that in times of stress, especially here we have no choice but to think and work on the relationship as that (especially the situation with Siobhan) is a huge factor in how we got so far apart.<P>I also understand the thing about getting away from marriage builders for a while. I may have to do that soon too. Not sure but, I can understand why people have to do that.<P>Much love my dear and I look forward to seeing you on ICQ. <P><B>Guard/Kevin</B><P>Thanks for the prayers and as far as advise goes...I think maybe it would be hard for anyone to give advise. So many issues were addressed in my thread. I am sure that I have overwhelmed anyone who was brave enough to venture to read it. I really appreciate your response. It makes me feel not so alone to have you all out there.<P>Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Thanks for pointing out the error in my signature. I fixed it. I think? We'll both know when I post this. <P>Hugs,<P><B>Patient Love/Nicole</B><P>Thanks for the repairs and thanks too for responding. The special prayer for the baby is very appreciated and right now is very needed. You are such a sweetheart and thanks again. <P><B>TNT</B><P>My dear sweet friend! I am so glad you showed up and sent the e-mail. I am however sorry that I overwhelmed you! (I am afraid I did that to many people. All please forgive me for that.)<P>This is my second grandchild and not one I feel I can bond with. This baby is surely to be snatched from all of us eventually. For the babies sake I just wish it was now instead of later. I rejoice in the fact that he is apparently healthy. I rejoice in the fact that a new life has come into this world. I mourn that unless the Lord provides some kind of miracle that his life will be crap like his poor mother's has been.<P>My plate is very full yes. I would love to move to another state but, the transfer has not come through and may never come through. My husband is not sure he would take it if it did? Only time and God will tell. I pray that some changes take place that are in the Lords will.<P>You are a powerful prayer warrior my dear and I know that the words will come to you at the right time and they will be perfect. You are such a comfort to me. I love you tons and then some.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

Samantha,<P>I'm so sorry that you are going through so much. I really don't know what to say, but that I care for you and that you are in my prayers. I admire your strength. Always remember what you've been through and count your blessing that you are where you are. Though you remember the past, burn those bridges in which you've crossed and keep on keeping on. God is your strength! He loves you and he's with you every step of the way!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Samantha,<P>I know you are also grieving - because whether or not you realize it - you have a grandson that you may lose. I think part of what you are feeling is a result of trying to protect yourself from further loss. You have experienced a lot of loss lately in your life.<P>When my first grandchild was born, I knew that the parents had decided to put the baby up for adoption. The adoptive mother would not let me hold him. My son had told her that I would probably get emotional, and that I didn't want the baby adopted out. (I was 17 when I had him, and he and his wife were 18 and 19 - I figured they could do it, after all, I did, right?)<P>So with the situation I dealt with, it was entirely different than your situation. However, I felt resolved - in that I know that I prayed about this over and over, and I knew that I wanted God's will over my own. I don't always trust my decisions - but I know that God's decisions are the best. So - because I was able to "let go", in the sense "not my will but thine" - I had a relatively short recovery from the loss.<P>For you, however, your loss is something you may be fearing. Don't fear what will happen, that isn't what God wants you to do. He wants you to trust Him, and he will do what is best. <P>Remember the verse "All things work together for good, for those that love the Lord and called according to his purposes."<P>It isn't your responsibility to influence Siobhan. It is God's. Don't require so much of yourself - God's yoke is easy. Let God worry about tomorrow. You spend your time loving your husband, and thanking God daily, even for the 'thorns'. <P>Whatever Siobhan decides, don't fight it. Let the Lord work it all out. <P>How does your husband feel? Is part of your frustration because you are wondering what your husband expects of you in this situation? Is part of your frustration that your husband feels helpless, and may turn to OW? Can your husband accept that the Lord is responsible for this now, not him? not you? <P>I just want you to rest in the Lord, Samantha. <P>God Bless You,<BR>TNT

{{{{{{{{{{{Samantha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>He wasn't thinking about going to the OW so much as he was thinking of running away from problems. I'd put a lot of money on that!<BR>That is what she is you know - escape.<BR>I'll write more tomorrow when my brain is back.<BR>Prayers!<BR>

Sam - Oh, Honey, you have been through so very much. I wish there were something I could say or do to make all this better for you, but please know that you are in my prayers.<P>Wassi hit it on the head, you know? (She's right a lot!) He doesn't want HER, just a break from the stress. You're doing a good job of trying to give him that relief.<P>Stay strong, ok? Remember that we all love you and are right there with you.<P>Love,<P>Lori

Thank you all for replying. It has really helped and the prayers must be helping because I have felt better and more up all day. (Well, until Siobhan called and started in on me a little while ago. I am working through that now.)<P><B>Jamie Lee</B><P>Your words helped me so much. I know you care and are praying. I can't begin to tell you how good that feels. <P>As far as me having much strength. I really don't usually feel that I have any and when I am posting a thread it is usually out of desperation so, I don't feel very strong! Still I guess in some ways I am. I do know though that strength is coming from the Lord. Not me. He is helping me get strong to deal with all that is to come.<P>Again my friend, thank you.<BR>Love & hugs,<P><B>TNT</B><P>My dear friend. As always you come to the rescue when I need you. Thank you so much for being you. It helps more than I have the words to express here. You being a powerful prayer warrior is such a wonderful blessing to me.<P>As you have probably read so far I am feeling better. I think you are probably right about me trying to protect myself. The words you wrote are very much like I have been thinking. I know I am trying to not bond with this baby. The days events today put me in a situation where I could have taken "Joey" and foster cared him for a while or another member of my family could have done it. With much conversation with H and the rest of the family, everyone has pretty much decided that we can't do that and that it would be in the best interest of Joey for him to be put in foster care and ultimately for Siobhan's best interest.<P>I know I have a grandson and I pray that I loose him. That the good Lord provides a nice Christian home for him with two loving parents and that he has the best life any child could ask for. I am unable to provide that for him. The Lord may provide that for him.<P>This situation is showing me and allowing me to rest in the Lord. I know that I really cannot do anything to make this right or better. I feel good that it is going to work out just the way it supposed to do. I don't feel good about Siobhan and know that the enemy is using her full force to keep trying to destroy her, the family and my husband and I.<P>The good news is that husband and I are communicating. We are in joint agreement on what we are doing or not doing. Today while he was putting some trim molding on the floor of the kitchen before he was to go to work I had read this thread. You all gave me so much hope and insight. <P>I walked over to where he was and got down on the floor. Told him I had to tell him something. He rolled his eyes and said what? (He hates to be interrupted.) I said I need to tell you that first God and then you give me so much strength. That if it wasn't for him, I don't know how I'd get through all this. He helps me so much. He said thank you and smiled. I kissed his head and got up and went to the kitchen sink. Before I had taken the three steps it took to get there he said "Samantha, I love you." Natch, I said I love you too. Let me tell you how good this made me feel. He rarely tells me he loves me first and if he does it feels more like he has to tell me and doesn't really mean it completely. Well, this felt like he really meant it. It felt so good. It makes me smile right now as I am typing this. I am truly blessed.<P>I wouldn't have thought or been able to say that to him if I hadn't been here minutes before and read this thread. So a big Thanks to <B>all</B> of you! <P>My husband feels this whole situation is so wrong and that he wants no part of it. In other words he is keeping cold and distant and then he won't get hurt. He won't admit that is why but, heck I know my husband and I know that is why.<P>Yes, part of his wanting or going to the OW is what is fueling my frustration. I think bigger than that is fear. I am working on not fearing and trusting the Lord. I understand why my husband would want to go to her and escape. Heck I would like to go somewhere or to someone and escape all this. Who in their right mind wouldn't?<P>So, TNT I am learning to rest in the Lord! Aren't you proud of me? LOL <P>I love your words of wisdom and insight. You are an amazing lady and I just am so glad and happy you are my friend. (We really have got to meet in the real! Maybe this summer like we talked about?) Big, big cyber hugs.<P><B>Wassi</B><P>Hey Lady! Thanks for coming out of seclusion to respond here. Means tons to me. Another one of my very dear friends here who I am so fond of. (See how blessed I am?)<P>You have put your money in the right place girl and hit the nail on the head. The good news is husband is also aware that is why he wants to go to her and be with her. That is probably such a vital realization for him and the most important thing. Like I have just said above to TNT Who in their right mind would not want to escape this garbage life is throwing our way? <P>Much love to you, and I am anxiously awaiting your e-mail. <P><B>Lostva/Lori</B><P>Yet another dear buddy! Let me tell you lady you are the queen of strong. Your whole story has been a huge inspiration to me. I am so glad that I have gotten the opportunity to know you here. A blessing to many you are!<P>I know that you all love me and are here for me and boy oh boy does that help. Thanks so much for reminding me I am doing a pretty good job of trying relieving stress for him and it also reminds me to keep trying. I am going to be strong. I am going to be strong. I am going to be strong. Just like the "Little Engine that Could."<P>Please keep me and us in your prayers. They are helping so much. <P><B>Everyone</B><P>Siobhan is a mess to say the least. She is calling here and spreading her venom again. I guess the day she had the baby was the only day I got to see glimmers of my little girl. She is trying to wear me down and defeat me. She won't do it. The good Lord and all of you are helping me in that.<P>Today is she on the vendetta that I have never had three kids and that I stole her, her older brother and our youngest daughter. She wants me to prove that I am her mother. No amount of rational or loving talk is getting through to her.<P>I must rest in the Lord and let him handle this all. There is nothing I can do. I would like to get the heck out of this state but, unless God wants that to happen, I will be staying here and taking what is dished out. On the bad days I will be posting threads here you can be sure. In the meantime all of you please continue to pray as we are not out of the woods yet. Not sure when or if we will be getting out but, we are at least seeing glimpse of the clearing here and there through the trees.<P><BR>Thank you all for being who you are. You are such a huge blessing and comfort to me. I really don't know where I would be or if I would be if it wasn't for all of you and God bringing me to this site. I am truly a "Blessed Samantha"<P><B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Everyone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited March 14, 2000).]