1. Do we fill these out according to how we feel right now, or how we felt before the affair?<P>2. After we fill them out, what do we do other than talk about each question. My guess is that many feelings are going to be hurt.<P>3. I maybe needed to read a little bit more closely to find out these answers but.....<P>Help!!!!!

Mercy,<P>There are some with more advice than I can give. If you can get the book it provides some explanation of how to discuss the questionaire. It may be here also. I would suggust that you look under NSR's post in the "Just Found Out" section. He may have a url to the correct site for giving information.<P>For sure the idea is to discuss these needs with no LB's. If you can do it, it would seem to me the best way would be from a problem solving stand point. <P>The questionairs provide the data you need to work on the marriage. You and H already the marriage and each of you need some work. So take a more "clinical" approach to it if you can. I know this is hard, but realize you and H are doing this to improve things not to hurt each other.<P>Hope this helps. I am certain others will be along to give you detailed answers. Look at NSR's posts also.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS. You need to know what each others needs are now so that you can fill each others needs.<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited March 27, 2000).]

Plan a trip to a remote obscure location, but don't use a map.<P>Assemble a complex set of office furniture, but don't read the directions.<P>How are you going to get where you want to go without facing the pain and uncovering the problems?<BR>

We were fortunate to have Jennifer Harley as our counsellor every step of the way.<P>Fill them out independently based on how you feel now (though if you really think about it, the basic needs shouldn't change. One like honesty may jump out more now.)<P>Set aside 20 minutes ONLY to read yours to your spouse, then it's their turn. The short time helps stay focused on the needs, rather than blaming each other.<P>This exercise should only be done if you both intend to come up with a plan to meet those needs. There is no point dredging up hurt just for the heck of it.<P>It can be real exciting coming up with a plan together if the other part was done without defensiveness/lbs.<P>BTW, it took me a lot of thought to come up with what my needs really were. That is a big first step.

Schizzo - I'm curious - Steve suggested that we each take a turn in reading a need to the other and back and forth (ie. no mention of 20 minutes) any idea why they differ?<P>Mercy, the most helpful thing that I learned about an effective way of filling out the EN is to come up with 5 good examples of how your spouse could meet each need. Do this in a positive way only, remove all negatives (ie. do not say, "I would like it if you didn't have angry outbursts or make disrespectful judgements in order to meet my need for conversation" do say, "I would like to have conversation that takes my feelings and opinions into account. One way that I would like this to happen is for....you to comment on the articles that you have read in the newspaper earlier on. After the kids are in bed, you light a fire, I pour us each a hot tea and we sit down with no distractions. You ask me if I heard about the huge influx of aliens to our state and I say that I had. We have a pleasant conversation that leaves me feeling great. You ask me questions about what I would do if....and laugh kindly even if my ideas seem absurd to you. We sit close during our conversation and touch, hold hands, etc. I would feel happy that were interested in what I have to say. I would want to share my opinions and thoughts with you freely, etc, etc" ).......<P>Steve suggested detail, detail, detail. Include how you would feel/react if this need were being met the way you would like.<P>Very important: do not sit down to go over the EN needs with the intentions of "teaching" each other how to meet your needs but rather one of "learning" how to do so. (Kind of a different state of mind).<P>If at any point things get ugly, stop immediately and plan a time that you will return to the task (best in next 24 hours). <P>The task of the listener is to do just that - listen. There is no room here for justifying why a need has or hasn't been met in the past. If you need clarification, ASK questions or paraphrase until you've got it.<P>Do the LB questionnaire soon after but NOT the same night.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa