This is going to be a major vent - probably the longest I've ever written. I've posted over 1900 times in the last year and this is the second time I've used the angry icon!<BR>I need some feedback from my friends here because I can't believe the duds I get for counselors. Maybe it's me.<P>Just a little update. I went to a new counselor last week. Was hoping H would go but he isn't comfrotable. Thank goodness! This guy would have turned him off talking permanently. So today was my second appointment. <P>H and I have been recovering pretty well I think. No contact since July that I know of but I don't hold my breath anymore. H has been wonderful. Hugs anytime we're near each other, Calls during the day to say he loves me, better sex than ever in our marriage...there's plenty more but you get the picture.<P>The reason for counseling was to try to get some tools to get through the remnants of resentment. To deal with H's obtsinance about the "friendship" part. And to try to find a way to exorcize the last of the hatred for the bimbo (who BTW I now refer to as BWQ).<P>Here comes the vent. <BR>This sarcastic little dork starts out by telling me that we are "just at a lull in our realtionship. H is being nice from guilt and he's just going to do it again." Keep in mind he has not met my H. If my H does not come to counseling our marriage is going to go back to what it was before. Now I think we've managed by ourselves (with the help of the good people at the forum) to get quite far. Am I wrong?<P>I tried to tell him that I have worked through my anger towards H but I need to work on some things for me. One of them being the anger towards BWQ. He tells me that my anger is displaced. I shouldn't be angry at anyone but H. Hello... Anyone home? Did you hear what I said? He says it's all H's fault. Even though BWQ is a pirahna. Now those of you that have put up with me all these months know some of the things BWQ did directly to me. Is what she did my H's fault?<P>Then he tells me that I am making excuses for my H and defending him when he should take all the blame. He doesn't think I should take any responsibility for the things that led to the affair. BWQ shouldn't take any responsibility for plying her wares. It's all my H's fault. Well H feels that way mostly but I don't think one person was there. <BR>BIG QUESTION: Has anyone here ever heard me make excuses for my H or defend him? <P>So I'm getting angrier and angrier at this twit. He starts quoting Private Lies. But I think he has a different version than mine.<BR>He tells me that unless my H is schizophrenic or manic/depressive he was totally responsible for his behavior and choices during the affair. Is there not a reference in Private Lies to Romantic affairs and temporary insanity. Is there anyone here at this forum whose spouse was in total control of their senses during an affair? <P>The he starts on the drinking problem. Yes my H drinks too much but could we please talk about my agenda. I cannot make him stop drinking and I have some things here I'd like some help with. No we can't leave that alone. That is on Counselor's agenda and that's what we're paying for right? We need to talk about what the counselor wants to talk about.<P>Now apparently I don't know what I'm feeling. He does. I don't know what I'm thinking - he does. And if I don't admit that I feel and think what he says I do then I am going to be "a bitter old woman forever." Whoa Mr. I'm 39 You are 50 Something. I look 35 ish. Who are you calling a bitter OLD woman? He asks if that's what I want. I'm so ticked by that time I tell him maybe it is. Funny but I don't feel bitter very often. Do I come across that way? Or is that just the little square I'm supposed to fit into?<P>I started to talk about something and the little jerk says "Welcome to the world of post-affair marriage". Excuse me? I've been here for quite some time! Now here's a real kicker - he divorced his wife because she was unfaithful! So he's the expert. I'm staying with my H becuase I "can't live without him, Just need him so much..."<BR>Whoa - I don't need my H I love him. I could do very well on my own thank you very much and this would have been a heck of a lot easier if I had just said "Adios I don't need this" when I found out about the affair.<P>Okay I'm almost done. For those of you that have made it this far thanks for being there <P>He said " well that's very nice that you love your H but if he doesn't come for counseling and stop drinking nothing is ever going to change." MORON! things have already changed. I need some tools to help me overcome resentment. .<P>He asked if I wanted to spend the rest of my life like this. Well there are a lot of people that are very jealous of the attention I get from my H. This twit asks if I really want H to have to check five times a day to see if I'm okay etc. <BR> My H calls 5 times a day to say "I love you", or "I was thinking of you." This dork seems to think there is something bad about that.<P>Said I was almost done didn't I? <P>End of appt. He says (really honsetly) "Well it was nice meeting you, I'll be here to pick up the pieces."<P>Help!!!<BR>Am I being oversensitive? Am I wrong in thinking a counselor is supposed to give helpful support and advice when you ask for it about what you ask for?<BR>Do I really appear the way this guy says I am or does he just have this little square that he would like me to fit into?<BR>Maybe I don't fit into the norm so he has to squeeze me in there?<P>Thank you all for letting me vent. I'm going to have two or three stiff drinks now. I didn't need to do that for weeks before seeing this guy. I wonder if that is how I'm supposed to feel after counseling? This is my third counselor and they get worse every time. Maybe I really am not counselable?<BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited April 06, 2000).]

Mars.<P>margarita? white russian? Jack and coke? stiffer? Jack?<P>Sorry for your experience. Been there. It really makes you feel like the bad one.<P>I really believe unless someone has walked the same path as you, what they say is not always the best advice there is. I feel like this, when a man has never had a baby and as a dr. they tell you "breathe it isn't taht bad" they really do not have a clue! <P>find a different counselor, one who is sensitive to your needs. <P>I know I have only found pieces of my senses since the affair. Slowly they are finding me!<P>Sorry for the screwy counselor. Good luck!<P>Mercy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I know I have only found pieces of my senses since the affair. Slowly they are finding me!<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow! What a great way to put it!<P>I agree with Mercy. If you don't like your counsleor, he won't be able to help you. Find another one. He appears to be putting all affairs in the same basket as the one he experienced. Therefore he thinks the path he took is the only right one. Seriously, find another counselor.<P>One quick note. I was once married to an alcoholic. I'm glad I left him. Your mileage may vary.<BR>

Mercy<BR>Thanks!!!<BR>I think he might be from farther out than Pluto!<BR> Screwdriver! Cheers! <BR>I just needed to get that all out.<BR>I am never going to counseling again. I don't need this crap. Like I said this is my third one and they just get worse.<P>I have concluded that the best counselor is a good friend this is the best place to find them. At least I tried.<P>I got angrier today than I have been in forever and I come here, vent and feel like the luckiest woman on earth. <P>Something else I forgot to add - He has never heard of Dr. Harley! That should have been a clue!<P>Truthseeker<BR>I've been married to an alcohloic for 20 years. That was the least of our problems. <BR>Like I said to Mercy, I am through with counselors. I gave it my best shot. I don't need to pay for this.<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited April 06, 2000).]

Hi WS -<P>In answer to the thread question.....<P>I don't know but they are taking over the earth!!!!!<P>You know my history with counselors....nuff said!!!<P>I think that this counselor has three problems (at least!!!)<P>1) Personal baggage......he is bringing it into his work.<P>2) He is giving you a generic diagnosis and plan of action and not looking deeper into what accomplishments have taken place and what is distinct with your relationship.<P>Basically, you - my dear Wassi are just one wife of many....... The guy doesn't know how to go any deeper and is therefore useless for your needs!! <P>3) He DOES NOT LISTEN AND IS TOO QUICK TO JUDGE. Perhaps it is because he sees infidelity combined with alcohol, etc. everyday!!! Pretty soon, I suppose, they all get steeled to it and it is a broken record.....I don't know!!!<P>Oh, I just thought of a 4th - He has accepted the societal trend of taking the easy way and lack of love and commitment....<P>All this being said....<P>It is not you WS - or me for that matter!!! We are counselable (is that a word?) We are just strong in our thinking and know exactly what we need - we can't be generalized!!! We need counselors who understand that and go a little deeper than the "norm" for today's society.<P>I still would really like to see you call Steve......At least he's from Earth!!!!!!<P>Hey, you want to put on some Gothic costumes and go see these quacks and see if we "fit" into their molds then? C'mon we could do it on the way to the nunnery!!!!! Do nuns still wear black?<P>Love and Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba Hon,<BR>I think they wear more gray now. And this guy would never be able to handle both of us together!<P>Sometimes I wonder if it is me and I should go to that convent. Am I too stubborn?<P>BTW Counselable is my own creation for the dictionary!<P>Okay I have to say this: My counselors SUCK!<BR>I'd love to talk to the Harleys but I can't afford it. Then again, they might ban me from the forum if they got to talk to me personally.

Wow wassy.........that seems unreal, are you sure you weren't dreaming and had that nightmare????????<P>I can feel good and lucky now, I didn't go to counseling for long, but the reason we quit had nothing to do with the counselor at least. SHe was great, and as helpefull as possible in the situation. ANd none of her suggestions or remarks was as crazy as all that.<BR>I think not everybody has enough empathy to be a good counselor. You can learn a lot in books, and study with great teachers, but if you don't have it, you won't get it.<BR>Hope this was your last session I'm pretty sure you can do better by yourselves <P>Anyway just to send you a BIG HUG, don't waste your time thinking about this, or write it down in your joke journal, you might be able to laugh at it later.<BR>HUG<BR>kat

Kat<BR>Thank you for being there always.<BR>I think you were added to my list of good counselors a long time ago. Almost Happy gets the heaviest burden but I need you all. The people here know way more anyway.<P>So you think I can survive without this guy? He doesn't seem to think so.

Hi Wassi,<P>Sounds like this counselor has a big chip on his shoulder and he is assuming that your experience will end up like his.<P>Maybe you should try to find another counselor. You know what they say about three....three's a charm!

Oh WS -<P>Forgot to tell you that I like BWQ!!!<P>Of course - I still think of her as Moronbelle.....but from what she's done, she goes beyond stupid!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

NoTrust<BR>Thanks! I've missed you! Neither of us has been around much. <BR>I really gave this guy a shot becuse H seemed interested in going. I'm done. I think this place has taught me more than 80% of the counselors know. I feel better now than I have since the first time I saw him. That's because I'm talking honestly to all of you. I was just so angry at this guy I felt like saying something very rude. He did. I didn't.<P>Sheba<BR>I forgot about Moronbelle! I did love that fairy tale. Just about as much as yours.<P>It's too long to type though. <BR>Say, No one has touched my one question:<BR>Is there anyone here whose spouse was in charge of their sanity during the affair?<BR>I really have a hard time with this guy's take on that!

Does the name Whack-A-Doodle imply sanity to you?<P>LOL!!!!<P>The guy is correct in the sense of a person making a choice for themselves...<P>He is wrong in that there is sanity when in the throes of addiction and/or escape!!!! <P>Again....he is not going deep enough - just being generic!!!<P>Does that help?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Yes Sheba that helps!<BR>And look!!! You turned my mad face into a happy face. <BR>I just really needed to vent. You should have heard this guy!<P>Now that other question:<BR>Have I EVER defended my H?<BR>If I have I don't remember. This guy went on and on about how I was making excuses for him. Do I really do that?<BR>He had 50% of the affair. He is remorseful for that. But I'm absolutely sure she was there too. <P>One more thing. did you know that I'm going to have a heart attack because I weaned myself off the antidepressants onto St. John's Wort without telling my Dr.? Now if I told him I would be fine.<P>oh and I can get a restraining order on "moronbelle" if she calls my H every three months or so and says "I need....."<BR>Get real! Who is going too give me a restraining order for that!!!!

SANITY?.......<P>AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE?<P>MERCY:d

WS,<BR>I'd love to know the reason his W sought out another man!!!!!!!!! Probably the only affair I would understand after hearing about this Special Counselor! Is that something like 1 Channel Counselling? Maybe there was a REMOTE somewhere in the room, you could click and find a different station? He must have gotten an A+ in Negativety 101. <BR>Hey, friend, you gave it your ALL, you give everything your ALL. Just keep giving your ALL to your H, that is where it is at. He is such a sweetheart now, You know you have nothing to worry about and with the help of your friends here......you will get through the rest of your dilemmas. It is after shock, we ALL have some of that, soon you will be in total control of your thoughts, you know it will just take a little more TIME. (OK, maybe a lot) LOL, but WE will make it!<BR>I'm glad you vented, It sure helps.<BR>I don't know if it would help that "Love to hear himself talk" counselor, but we could all work on him a lot!!!!!!!<BR>Talk to you soon...........<BR>Almost Happy :-)<P>PS........Does "Bad Brain Period" fit? <BR>--------<BR>TIME <p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited April 06, 2000).]

Ah Mercy<BR>You should have heard this guy.<BR>Your H was responsible for everything. It is all his fault. He was perfectly sane and in control of his senses....<P>Helllooooo........I didn't notice you in the room MR.<P>Thanks all!!! I feel so much better. I think I will sleep now. At least until 4:00 AM when H comes home from work and wants to talk about his day and cuddle.<BR>Hmmm guess he just does that out of guilt though. <P>The positive part of this: I will go to bed and say a long prayer of thanks that I'm married to the man I'm married to instead of someone like the twitty counselor.<P>Hmmmmph. And he got paid for that!

AH<BR>Missed your post and now I have tears in my eyes. Happy tears. You always say the right thing and you know I need that!!!<BR>I'll hear your voice in my sleep telling me exactly what I need to hear! <P>I did give it my best shot and now I have better things to do. Like cuddle my H!<BR>Loveya!

Vent away WS.....<P>I can imagine this guy - remember that mine told me that I HAD TO CHANGE MYSELF TO FIT SOCIETY or else I would not survive!!!!! I think yours and mine came from the same pod!!! LOL!!<P>As to the making excuses....<P>I am sure that a lot of people who have not gained the knowledge that you and I have from MB and our co-counselors that make up this board might just be in that situation.....<P>However, you know a lot more than they do....<P>You have gained through that knowledge, an understanding of the whole situation. You know that there are many factors that lead to all of this and many factors that will contribute to getting past it.<P>This counselor (gag!!) is once again skimming the surface - whether he has read Pittman or not: he certainly did not grasp it all!!! I think that comes from his own personal experience....<P>Yes, your H is solely responsible for bringing BWQ into your life.....<P>No, he is not responsible for all the "factors" involved in the whole scenario.<P>Does that make sense? <P>Hey, let's just call this guy Brand X - strictly a generic!!!! They left the "delving" part of the brain out when sticking him into the pod!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

AH <BR>I meant to say that the "Bad brain period" would not be allowed by this guy either. Okay he sucks. It's not me!<P>Sheba<BR>I think there are a few couselors who would probably like us to be normal. My kid wants a normal mother. Ah well tough luck!<BR>Yep you're right! I just needed womeone to tell me I wasn't doing everything wrong. <BR>According to this guy I'm not qualified to be married without him!<BR>And yes you always make sense to me. I think we should tag team the guy! who do you think would win?

<BR>Who would win?<P>Now that is "a no brainer!!!"<P>LOLOLOLOL!!!!<P>Hugs, Love ya and now go to sleep without the weight of this nonsense!!!<P>Hey, how about if we start a 900 number and do counseling ourselves....sort of an ousting of the Pod People? WE COULD RULE THE WORLD!!!!!<P>LOL!!!<P>Sheba