New Member:<BR>Wanted to know from anyone out there who was the betrayer if you felt sorry for what you did and wanted back in your marriage?<BR>I had a very loving marriage for 12 years and come to find out h cheated 3 times with same woman. This ow is a total tramp. She went after h and even got her chest enlarged to win him. h at one point had her arrested for harrassment but still can not find the willpower to resist her. Me and my kids lives have been turned upside down by all of this. The hardest thing to accept is the fact that our marriage was wonderful. He is now living with the ow and her children. It blows my mind that he does not miss the life he had with me and my children. We went to counseling after the 2nd time and h lied throughout it. Counselor thinks he has deep emotional/sexual problems and one day he will regret all of this. Wanted to find out what others out there think.. <BR>

missy9,<P>I posted something on character, courage and conscience yesterday. Your H sounds like mine. I believe emotional and sexual disorders are a big part of who my h is.<P>I don't know what eles to say but I know what your feeling and it's horrible. I've been reading and getting stronger, that is all I believe we can do. <P>I think one day my H will wake up too. He has lost so much. H is involved/living with someone from work. He WAS a manager there, no longer because of this. <P><BR>What is it about big boobs!!!????<P>Just hang in there and keep praying.<P>Tracy<P>

Missy<P>Welcome to the site. I'm sorry you had to find it because of your situation. Please read everything you can on this site. The more you read the more you will find out it is possible to have your H back should you want him. Remember this from Dr. Harley...almost all affairs die because they are base on lies and deceit. You have to figure out what was wrong in your marriage for this to happen and fix it. Use this site, read everything, post and vent here, draw from the compassion and advice from the warm wonderful people on this site. There are many of us just like you. It is not hopeless in fact if things are done right, your marriage down the road can be much better and stronger than it was before.<P>My hopes and prayers are for you!!<P>Pretty soon "NSR" will post to you and make you feel real good....much better than I can ever hope to. Please read it and ask him advise...he is very good at giving it.<P>J W

Welcome <B>missy9</B>...<P>Yes there are many Wayward Spouses(betrayers) here...<BR>...and they are some of the most wonderful people you'd ever want to meet!<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Jim

thanks for your responses so quickly. I have read many of books on the topic of infidelity and I do realize that I need to find out what was "missing" in my marriage in order to understand why this happened. Believe me I have tried to figure out what was wrong and it is so hard because I HONESTLY felt so blessed to be married to him. He treated me so wonderfully up until I found out. I also treated him great and was always so happy to see him at night when he came home from work or when I got home from work. He always seemed just as happy to see me and always came right up to me to give me a big kiss hello.I have asked him many times and even showed him these books that something must have been missing. He himself cannot give me a reason. We went to counseling and he had me fooled thru all of that as well. HE always seemed so sincere. When I accidently found out this last time that he was in touch with her again, that was the last straw.( It was also when he found out about the new boobs) He said that he cannot explain why he is doing this because he knows he loves me but that he is so drawn to her. That was his explanation at the time. We have been seperated for 2 1/2 months now and since that time, he went from saying I love you, to its probably been about 2 years since I had feeling for you and then just last week he said that he is 100% confident he made the right decision and he is sure now it has been at least 6 years since he has loved me...( I am sure the ow his feeding this info into his brain) Boy this has gotten me so angry. But, after reading all the posts here I understand that this is very normal for the betrayer to say these things. It helps them to justify what they did. I heard thru a friend that he himself just started to go get counseling for what he did. He has lost so much. He was a very popular person in our town and we were a very popular couple. Admired by many because of how great we were together. So, many people have been effected by his behavior and I think he is just starting to have a hard time with it now. He rarely goes out in public anymore and when he does, he stays by himself. He is living with ow and her 3 kids. How does a man walk into another household immediately and feel comfortable??? How does he feel when he is with three strange kids when he has 2 beautiful kids of his own that he just adores??? I just want to be able to understand all of this. Any ideas out there???

I don't have any words of wisdom. I also can not understand how a person can leave his family and seemingly easily join another one. My H left me and our six children for an OW with three teens and preteens, and has been living with her for over a year. Two of our children want nothing to do with him now. He has called his children about 3 times, and now he sees them for dinner for about an hour once a week, and will now only allow them to visit him two at a time because they "fight too much", so they will be visiting little more than once a month. But none of that matters - only the OW matters.

Yeah-- I don't get it either. My h sees my kids all the time. They go to school where he works. He calls them everynight to say goodnight and he is living with ow about 2 miles from my house. My kids are not allowed to be around ow because my h had her arrested for harrassment and that alone was all I need to make sure they never can be near her. Here is a man who 6 months ago has this ow arrested and after finding out about her chest enlargement, goes back to her?? I'm sorry but if I was an outsider looking in on this situation, I would think he was nuts. But, since I am living it, I need to come to terms with the fact that this is really happening and my marriage does not stand a chance... Could sexual addiction be that powerful? The Sex always wears off after time and it will not last. Any thoughts????

Missy,<BR> Yes,sex and passion with someone new is a very powerful addiction.It must be overwhelming,and life-altering(I wouldn't know).My W of 22 years left everything behind to go be with her BoyToy.She made enough comments that made me realise it was the sex and passion.<P> But like you said,the sex can't last forever.I mean,what do you do the other 23 hours of the day?Like your H,I think my W has some kind of sex obsession,and emotional problems,probably a MLC.<P> About the boobs,it's a guy thing."Holy Cow,take a look at the knockers on her!!" --Murph

MURPHY,How long has your wife been with om? Do you see signs of her regreting her decision? I am not sure if I am seeing signs or not from my h. I have not spoken to him in a few weeks and just he other day he called to say goodnight to the kids and he asked to speak to me. When I got on the phone, he wanted to know if he could drop the kids off earlier the next day because he had a counseling session. His voice and tone was much nicer than in the past. Then when he came to drop the kids off, he actually came into the house which he hasn't been doing in the past month. When he came in he could barely make eye contact with me and it looked like he was shaking a little. Not sure what all of that means. I am wondering if he finally realised what he has done? I have been going to counseling to try to get myself strong enough to say no when he does decide to come back. I realise that he needs alot of help to get himself back to the person he was when I married him. He has put me through Hell the past 2 1/2 years I can't even begin to tell you. But, when we were together, it was always wonderful in my eyes. So, my heart aches for him but my brain tells me to beware. Do you think its possible for someone to realise what they did and get the help they need and once again become a committed spouse??

Missy,<BR> W's been living with OM in another town for about a year.She left about 7 months before that.It's like she dropped off the face of the earth.I had a post about her finally contacting me after all that time.Recently sent me a short letter wishing me and my family(who she devastated)"the best".Also gave me BoyToy's address if I wanted to contact her(as if!).I already found his address on an Internet search right after she moved out.<BR> No,no signs of regretting her decision.I guess she found her soulmate in a man who's 15 years younger than me.The ironic thing is his first short marriage failed when his W cheated on him.So he read all these books,and used this knowledge to convince my W how lousy our marriage was after 21 years.This was more than an affair.She underwent an identity crisis,and now she's somebody else.But I think BoyToy brainwashed her into all of this.<BR> So I can't really speak for your H.You have to trust your instincts and do what is best for you.It's sounds like he's feeling really guilty.It's good that he's getting help.At least he(unlike my W)realises he needs help,and is trying to better himself.It'll will be up to you to decide if your marriage has a chance.Take care. --Murph