Hi all,<BR>I've been married for less than 2 years and it's nothing like I imagined. It was good at first and I've always tried to be the best husband that I can be, but the weight is too much on my back. I have a son, 9 yr. old, from a previous relationship that spends about 40% of the time with me. My wife and I had agreed, before getting married, that this would be ok and that she would help me take care of him because I work long hours and have to travel on occassions. Well, she's tired of this and feels she can't control him as much as I can. He's not a bad kid, but is very active, like most 9 year olds. I feel emotionally beat since I am the only wage earner in the house, pay for her school, all the bills, and child support (which she hates that I have to do this, but I don't mind because I love my son), and go to grad school. She now states that he's my responsibility only, but also says I don't spend enough time with her. Well, if she would only help me, I would have more time available. I feel like i'm doing the work of 2 people and not appreciated, while she's doing the work of 0.5 people and still complaining. Why doesn't she get it? When I tell her, she just thinks that I am never satisfied with all the hard work she does. Hello?!! What am I, a Jelly Bean?

How did things progress to this point? How did the "team" of your partnership change? <P>Dr. Laura (radio psychologist) always says the kids come first, but I don't believe this. I believe the strength of the family come from the relationship come from the parents. <P>Your 9 year old has somehow come inbetween you and your wife. How did this happen? Are you and your wife the parents? Then how come he will not obey her the way he should when you aren't around? You need to make sure that you and your wife present a united front to your 9 year old. It seems that the dynamics of this "hierachy" of power is messed up, and you see your wife as a babysitter while you are gone, or at least she feels this way.<P>I understand her being resentful about having to pay child support, when she feels that she is no more to you concerning your son than a babysitter.<P>Am I all wrong? Please tell me I am.<BR>TNT

Reading stories like this somehow doesn't surprise me. It didn't take my H's OW anywhere near that long to get sick of taking care of my H's and my 4 youngest kids - and they were only at her house about 4 days a month. Now she apparently will not allow him to have all 4 visit simultaneously. The good thing is that he appears to be taking more care of them while they are there than he used to. <P>Of course you have more control over him - you are his father, you have known him for 9 years, and you have a bond with him that she will never have. It was probably unwise (to put in mildly) of her to commit to taking as much care of him as she promised to, and I am not surprised she is regretting it. It is not only your responsibility but also best for your son if you are his primary caretaker while he is at your house. But no stepparent has a right to be resentful of child support - you fathered the child, and you are responsible for supporting him, and she knew that before she married you.

Jelly Bean,<BR>First of all I have to tell you up front that mine is a FEMALE perspective. <P>It sounds as if you BOTH have too much going on in your lives. A job, school, a son, studying, a new marriage. Where do you find time? You might want to consider your priorities and eliminate something.<P>It sounds as if your schedule has left your wife as the primary caretaker of your son. My experience has been that My boys are more fearful of Dad than Mom. Therefore, they tend to "try to get away with more" when Dad is not home. This has been a great source of frustration for me---when I have to be the sole disciplinarian---and these are MY KIDS! I can't imagine the frustration of having total responsibility for stepchildren. How is your son handling the marriage? Are you requiring him to show respect for her?<P>I think the best situation would have been for you both to finish school before you married, but since it is too late for that---<BR>Please Put Your Marriage and Son First!<P>Is moving in with parents an option until you finish school? They might be able to assist with the caretaking and maybe take some financial stress off you. <P>You do need to remember that your wife has taken care of your son for two years because SHE LOVES YOU, she does not have any obligation to your son---YOU DO!<BR>Please appreciate her for that---taking care of a child, cleaning, cooking, washing, school, studying, and still finding time for your husband is a lot to be responsible for too. <P>I think you will find, that if you will take time to appreciate her, she will respond in kind. <P>I know this sounds like I am taking her side, but I am not. You asked "what am I"<BR>and I think you are disillusioned, but I think you can work this out if it's what you truly want.<BR>

First off, thank you all for your responses. My wife and I talked about this situation and how sad and hopeless it made me feel. I also realized that I wasn't taking her into account as much as I should, mostly because I am so busy and didn't find the time to explain things. This in turn just caused each one of us to assume totally different things. What we will try is to schedule our own private/together time, family time, and personal/indivitual time. Hope this can help us. I want to be happy with my wife and son (her stepson), and at the same time provide the best example of what a good family should be to my son. If anything, thinking positively should help our relationship go in the right direction.