Here is a note to the ex that I am going to leave for her this evening. I would like any feedback y'all are willing to give. See my last post in the "strange ones" thread for where I am coming from.<P>Okay, here goes.<BR>I don’t expect anything to come from this note. There is a lot of bad feeling between us, and it would be foolish for either of us to think that these feelings would disappear overnight. But I am hopeful that it may lead to starting our reconciliation.<BR>Would you be willing to set up a weekly appointment to discuss the problems between us? This could be with or without a third party to act as a mediator. Maybe, if you are willing, Dr. *****? Or someone of your choosing?<BR>I am dismayed by your (in my opinion) lack of willingness to even make time to discuss this. I don’t know where this is coming from, but I hope to break the impasse somehow. If we are ever to be a family again, we need to open the lines of communication and negotiate a new contract for our lives.<BR>As far as I am concerned, everything is on the table. There are some issues that I feel are almost non-negotiable, and I am sure you feel the same way. However, we need to find out what these issues are.<BR>I recognize that you may see a power differential in our negotiations. I am much better at throwing up a smokescreen of words to justify my position. I will try, as best as I am able, to refrain from this during our discussions. If I get to this point, I ask you to stop me.<BR>All that being said, here is my bottom line. I would like nothing better than for our children to grow up in an intact family. I still care for you deeply. I can’t say that I am in love with you because of all of the hurts we have caused each other. While I want our children to have both of us in the same house and happy together, I can not live with the same person that I have spent the last 14 years with. This is not a slam on you, although it sounds like one. I know that we will both have to change significantly for this to work. I am willing to do what it takes to make a life together. My hope is that you can see your way clear to the same decision.<BR>I would like for you to call me tonight after you get this note. Just to tell me that you got it and maybe an initial reaction (am I asking for too much?). I pray (yeah, I’m to that point) that you will. Every time the phone rings now I hope it is you wanting to talk to me.<BR>So I’m done being sappy now. I hope to hear your voice tonight.<BR>Your husband<BR><p>[This message has been edited by grandpabri (edited April 23, 2000).]

Hi Grandpabri -<P>I am going to be honest so don't take offense OK?<P>Up until the last paragraph it felt like a business document!!! Very crisp and cold.....could you see yourself putting a little emotion into it? It does state what you want...but like an employer to an employee!! <P>Open up a little.......like you did in the last paragraph. That was heartfelt - not sappy!!! <P>Just my opinion..<P>Why do you call your wife your x? Is it over in your mind already? Then why bother?<P>Hugs and good luck with it...hope you rewrite a little.<P>Sheba<P>

You are probably right. I will take another look.<P>I am really kind of afraid to put emotion in. One, it is not usually in my character. Two, she is scared off by emotion.<P>I guess I do look at her as my ex. The divorce is well along. Just waiting for the final dissolution. It is a tragedy for all concerned.<P>I don't know if we will be able to work this out. I am not even sure either of us really in our hearts want it to work out. But the kids deserve better than we have given them the last six months. Maybe this is not in keeping with the MB plan, but it is worth it for my kids.

Here's my opinion. Take my free advice for what it's worth:<P>I don’t expect anything to come from this note. <P>I'd drop this part. Personally I find it offputting.<P>There is a lot of bad feeling between us, and it would be foolish for either of us to think that these feelings would disappear overnight. But I am hopeful that it may lead to starting our reconciliation.<P>I like this part. It tells her what you feel and where you'd like to go in the relationship.<P>Would you be willing to set up a weekly appointment to discuss the problems between us? This could be with or without a third party to act as a mediator. Maybe, if you are willing, Dr. *****? Or someone of your choosing?<P>I'd put this part further down in the body of the letter, after you tell her how you feel about her.<P>I am dismayed by your (in my opinion) lack of willingness to even make time to discuss this. I don’t know where this is coming from, but I hope to break the impasse somehow. <P>I don't like this paragraph because it seems to put all of the blame on her. Even if you think it's all on her, it's best not to bring that up when you are trying to open a dialog. I'd try to show her that I was willing to listen.<P>If we are ever to be a family again, we need to open the lines of communication and negotiate a new contract for our lives.<BR>As far as I am concerned, everything is on the table. There are some issues that I feel are almost non-negotiable, and I am sure you feel the same way. However, we need to find out what these issues are.<BR>I recognize that you may see a power differential in our negotiations. <P>I agree with Sheba on this part--it sounds very businesslike. Especially the "power differential" phrase. I would drop or reword this.<P>I am much better at throwing up a smokescreen of words to justify my position. <P>I like this--it shows that you recognize that you are less than perfect.<P>I will try, as best as I am able, to refrain from this during our discussions. <P><grin> I think you're throwing a little smoke in some of these sentences, but I do like the sentiment.<P>If I get to this point, I ask you to stop me.<BR>All that being said, here is my bottom line.<P>I'd drop the "bottom line" phrase but keep the part where you ask her to tell you when she thinks your throwing up a smokescreen. I might reword it if you reword the first part.<P> I would like nothing better than for our children to grow up in an intact family. <P>I REALLY, REALLY like this part. I'd move it up.<P>I still care for you deeply. <P>Ditto<P>I can’t say that I am in love with you because of all of the hurts we have caused each other. <P>I'd drop this for now--plenty of time to bring this up later.<P>While I want our children to have both of us in the same house and happy together, I can not live with the same person that I have spent the last 14 years with. This is not a slam on you, although it sounds like one. I know that we will both have to change significantly for this to work. <P>How about if you say, "I see you are not happy. I am not happy either. I would like for us both to work to change to make a happy family." Something like that?<P>I am willing to do what it takes to make a life together. My hope is that you can see your way clear to the same decision.<P>I like this, too.<P>I would like for you to call me tonight after you get this note. Just to tell me that you got it and maybe an initial reaction <P>Sounds okay...<P>(am I asking for too much?). <P>I'd drop this. Sounds whiney.<P>I pray (yeah, I’m to that point) that you will. Every time the phone rings now I hope it is you wanting to talk to me.<BR>So I’m done being sappy now. I hope to hear your voice tonight.<BR>Your husband<P>I like the ending. <P>I hope that helped. These are just my opinions and only you can decide what you really want to say.<P>Good luck! --HBC