I have been up all night mulling this one over. I need some help.<P>I talked to Larri last night. Her sister is getting married in three weeks. I asked her if she was going to take OM to the wedding. She said yes because she did not want to go alone.<P>I told her that I wanted to ask her if I could go. She said that her sister did not want me there because she did not want to chance a scene.<P>I am so sad. What kind of world do we live in that she can bring someone who has never met her family (most of them don't know about him) and her sister would rather have him there? A wedding should be a celebration of the couple and others who have been there.<P>I handled it well with Larri. Did not say anything. But my heart is breaking for the children. What kind of message is she sending them with this behavior?<P>I'm starting to ramble, so I will end here. I need some support.<P>Thanks

I am so sorry to hear this, GP. I know you had really been wanting to escort Larri to her sister's wedding.<P>I don't know of anything I can say to make it better. You could try to think of it as your wife's sister's day, and that she is afraid of some kind of scene "ruining" the ocassion. Sometimes folks get so caught up in The Event Of The Wedding that they forget what it's really all about. <P>Does Larri's family know about your rather unique family arrangement? Are they okay with it? It is possible that might have something to do with the decision. I don't know.<P>How old are your children? Are they going to the wedding? <P>I know you are hurting. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. All I can do is let you know that I'm so sorry.<P>Best to you, and good luck. --HBC

The children are what I am most worried about. They will both be in the processional. What kind of message is she sending my 6 year old son that men can be replaced like snap on tools? Our daughter is 1.<P>Larri's brother and father knew of our relationship before all this happened. The proverbial feces hit the fan when her mother found out. She was not happy that her daughter was having relations with another woman. Pretty shocking for her generation. Of course, I was the one that told her. Larri has managed to make all of this my fault, with her just kind of going along for the ride. Last time I talked to her mother, she was dead set against the OM coming to the wedding. But that was a couple of months ago. I talked to Larri today, and she had not talked to mother about this. Didn't know what mother had said.<P>I sent an email to her sister requesting that I be allowed to accompany my wife to her wedding. Text is below.<P><BR>X & X<P>I am asking that you allow me to escort Larri to your wedding. I imagine that you probably don’t think much of me right now, and I accept that. I cannot change your feelings towards me. I have done some things that I am not proud of, and hope to spend my life making amends to my wife.<P>My fondest hope is to reconcile with Larri. All that I ever wanted to be is her husband. I think that it is in the best interest of our children that we be together and happy. I believe that it is important for them to see us together at such a joyous and family oriented occasion as your wedding. I promise that there will be no confrontation with anyone there.<P>Whatever your decision, I will respect your wishes in this matter.<P>Thank you for your consideration. Please contact me by email or at phone with your decision at your earliest convenience.<P>I wish the two of you all of the happiness in the world. May you have a long and joy filled marriage.<P>Brian<P>I told Larri that I had written this and read it to her. She asked me to let her know what her sister said. I guess she doesn't want to make a decision.<P>Y'know, I don't know why I am upset. As near as I can tell, I am upset because I view this as one more way Larri is choosing to separate herself from me. And it really hurts.<BR>

You're upset 'cause anyone would be upset with this! I am so very sorry. I know how much it must hurt.<P>I do hope that her sister gives you a favorable response. I agree with you about the children.....terrible message to be sending them when they're going through so much already. <P>Wish I had something to say to make you feel better.....just sending good thoughts that this will work out.<P>Lori<P>

Brian:<P>You don't have to just let your heart break for your children. You can admit that your heart is breaking for you.<P>It's so hard when the person you love does things that hurt. I'm so sorry.<P>Your children will do okay in the long run. It may be a poor lesson in the short run, but they will not form their life's opinion's on one encounter. You and your wife will be able to teach them well despite this.<P>Brian, if you re-read your posts from the past two days, I think you will have to say that the likelihood of returning to a three-parent household is unlikely. It sounds like Tiana and Larri don't want to live in the same household any more. I'm sorry--I don't want to make you feel bad, but I really think that you need to choose one and work on that relationship with all your might.<P>I imagine when you first found out about Larri's relationship with Tiana you all sat down and rationally discussed what to do. I'll bet you thought you had found the perfect answer to your situation. It seems that worked for a while, but it doesn't seem to be working any more. You are hurting; Tiana is hurting; and Larri is hurting. <P>From your description of Larri's family with regard to the wedding, it sounds as though they mainly avoid confrontation. I'm guessing that Larri has learned from them. I know you want her to make a move (do I hear you say,"for a change?") but I don't think she will. She hasn't learned how to.<P>Whether you decide to stay with Tiana or try to win back Larri, and there are compelling reasons for both from what you have said, you need to decide and work on it. <P>I am so sorry that you are hurting. I don't want to make you hurt more. I wish I could make everyone in your family content so that you could just go back in time and live happily together, but I can't.<P>All I can do is wish you a hug from the opposite coast and let you know that I honestly hope that you feel better soon.<P>All the best. --HBC

HI GP,<BR> I'm TRULY sorry for your pain and the message to the children. <BR> WOW, these betrayers are pretty amazing aren't they!! Bringing OM to NOT cause a scene?? I could see if you BOTH were going to be there. Have you and your W argued in front of the family before or something?<BR> I can relate because we just became grandparents (Our FIRST, and from our Daughter!!) and my MIL had a party so all of the family could see the baby. They are pretty spread out so it was kind of the best way to do it. WELL, I had talked to my MIL AND my D two days before and neither of them mentioned the party. <P> My W calls me the day after and THIS is how I found out. AND it came out a little at a time. Needless to say I was CRUSHED!! <BR> I saw my D and said, "I didn't know there was a PARTY Sunday" D got all flustered and told me that she didn't know what to do and what she DID do was to tell her mother (MY W) that under NO circumstances could she bring OM to the party because it was HER party and she didn't want HIM there.<BR> At least THAT made me feel good. I don't think the rest of the family would have been too thrilled if OM came either. MY nephews are in their 20's and probably would have made him feel a little uncomfortable (if they didn't HIT him!!)<BR> Believe it or not I WISH he went. I really do because this guy is NOT me and that's THAT!! He WOULD NOT have been excepted AT ALL. I'm sure of it!<BR> YOUR OM I'm sure is a "Cheap Imitation" of you as well RIGHT?<BR> SOOO, the way I see it, you can't lose (only the children can unfortunately...) Because, HOPEFULLY, he WON'T fit in and your W will see that and "family" is so VERY important in all this. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Yeah, my heart is breaking, too.<P>Larri seems, like many of our WS, to be going through life right now on auto pilot. Doesn't really want to make any decisions on anything. Says she has been crying a lot lately. About not seeing the kids enough. Now my old self would have said, "Well you are only using 75% of your allowed visitation, why don't you try bumping that up a little?" My new self says "I am sorry. I know you miss the kids. Is there anything I can do to help?"<P>HBC, you are right. I will have to choose. Right now, I would choose Tiana, because I feel she is the one that truly has the children's best interests at heart. Although when I talked to Larri yesterday, I asked her if she thought what she had done was in the best interests of the children. She said "probably not." So maybe the fog is lifting somewhat. Just hope it is not too late.<P>PH, I think that he is a cheap imitation of me. No education, min wage job, etc. And the big issue for me, (funny to hear me say this), what kind of guy pursues a married woman, monopolizes all of her time to the detriment of her children, and then gives her advice that is almost tailor made to make her lose her children. I have suspicions that the guy is an abuser, but no concrete evidence.<P>Haven't heard anything on the email yet. Maybe if I don't hear something, I will drop off a copy at her house this weekend. Would be nice to know.

GP,<P>Have you heard anything from your sister-in-law?<P>Hang in there. --HBC

Not yet. I'll probably drop something by this weekend when I'm down in San Diego.<P>Thanks