I just came to this board. I found out about my H's one night stand three months ago. The only reason I found out was because the ow is filing for child support, the child is already two. We have a daughter that is 20 months old. I can't believe this whole situation. This ow is going to basically break our family financially, because I am at home, we have a very limited and tight budget. She is going to get $600 a month for support!!!! We only have $400 left after bills. So not only do I have to deal with everything that goes with this situation, but I am going to have to work, and put my child in daycare. How is it that she gets so much, her life doesn't change, and my life goes through the ringer. We are trying to work on our marriage. He was drunk when this happened, she initated the situation, this is the 2ND TIME she has done this. this is her second child through the same circumstances. What I want to know is how can I handle getting past all of this to see the other side, when myself and my daughter are the ones who are going to pay for it? My H is at fault, no doubt about it. But you would have thought after two years this woman would have gotten on with her life. Her goal for this, was to try to break us up, thus getting time with my h for her and her child. He has never seen this child and doesn't plan on it. Is it so wrong to not want contact? To save our marriage and our family, and try to move past this? Or am I supposed to be PC and encourage my h to have contact, although there is no way he will. Please give me some input, I really feel like I am drowning. Too much to deal with, betrayal,lies, ow, ow's child, child support, finanacial problems, etc. How do I get ahold on my emotions?? Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on.

Welcome <B>babstr</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>I'm sorry you have had to find your way here. Your story is indeed a very hard story...<P>Do come here to at least vent...<BR>Do ask for help with your marriage... it will be put to the test...<P>I'm praying for you...<P> <P>Jim

babstr,<P>I always feel so silly saying *welcome* here, but we do welcome you, and are so sorry that you have reason to be here. <P>We have several other women here who are in this situation. I am sure they will post to you as soon as they see this.<P>Infidelity by it's self is bad enough, but when it results in a child that makes it at least twice as hard for the betrayed spouse.<P>I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. Execpt hang in there, do what you have to do for your marriage. <BR>Someone who was or is in the same boat as you will be along soon.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

babstr:<P>I'm kinda on the inverse of this situation: my wife had an affair, and became pregnant. We're raising this child---and so far, no contact from the OM (who did know the situation).<P>Financially, your situation sucks. And there's nothing fair about this. Not for you or your daughter. Not for that little baby either. <P>On the other hand, you seem to be in good position to recover from this. Your husband wants nothing to do with the OW, which is excellent. You don't even have to modulate visits with the other child---which is good, as far as your marriage is concerned.<P>My first course would be to recommend you to the counseling here with Steve or Jennifer Harley---it's phone counseling, and it's both convenient and "reasonable" ($85/session). I doubt that you have $85 a month floating around (although if there's any way you can beg, borrow, or (well, not steal...), I'd suggest that you make it a priority. Without that, the "free" resources of this website are excellent: the basic concepts are listed here (I would recommend that you focus on "The four rules for a successful marriage" and "the policy of Joint Agreement"); there's a ton of stuff in the "Q&A" section, and the articles and "food for thought" are also very good.<P>Sit down with your husband. Make a plan to eliminate lovebusters from your marriage. Discuss the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), and see if you can immediately start using it. You can rebuild your marriage to somethiing terrific, but this will take time and effort (and financial worries are never helpful). There are lots of people who will support you here, and help you learn and apply the concepts.

babstr,<BR>Welcome to MB. There are several others here in the forum in similar situations (I'm one of them). Everyone handles it differently. Some are able to welcome the OC into their lives and some are not. The important thing is that you and your H agree on a resolution. But, I feel that you need to focus on your marriage and family first. I'm sure that your emotions are still all over the place. It will get better, but only time can help you heal. I think that you and your H need to get some counseling to help deal with everything. Does you have any insurance to help pay for counseling? <P>You are not alone. You can come here to vent or talk anytime. You will get some good support. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey<BR>

B-<P>Don't pay any attention to what others think about being PC-PC is simply following herd mentality and not thinking for yourself. Personally, PC is BS and no one should concern themselves with PC. You do what is right for yourself and your family.<P>I am profoundly sorry you are here; but, thank God you found the forum. I have been here a year and I never could have gotten through my husband's infidelity, the horrendous nightmare of his betrayal of me and our marriage and the added ultimate nightmare of the OW having my husband's child.<P>The child in our case was born August 19, 1999 from a three weekend fling. He has not seen the child nor does he want to. I do not want any contact with the child as well. We have not told our family or our three grown children as there will be no contact. If we are suddenly forced to deal with OC, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. We have put this behind us and are moving forward best we can.<P>Because of the OW's selfishness of deliberately getting herself pregnant, thoughtlessly changing our lives forever simply because she wanted what she wanted at any cost, because she selfishly kept the child knowing full well the child would have no contact with its father, and becuase she is a fat lazy cow looking for a meal ticket because she is in her mid-thirties and living at home with Mom and Dad so she can sleep every day til 11 AM and watch Jerry Springer, this poor OC is a victim of her selfishness and will never enjoy the benefits of having a normal life in a two parent family. It is so disgraceful what these manipulative pigs will do to get a man and avoid working.<P>It is also EVIL to knowingly have unprotected sex with a married man and purposely try like he** to get yourself pregnant to get a man away from his family and his wife, because it just doesn't hurt one person, the wife, but, it hurts the children, the grandparents, the aunts, uncles, friends and there is such sadness and loss.<P>A priest once told us after my husband came home and we agonized about our responsibilities to the OC, He said the first and foremost responsiblity we have is to each other and to the marriage. If the betrayed spouse cannot handle contact with the OC, the wayward spouse should acquiesce and not have contact.<P>I don't know where you live but the OW in our case lives in NY and we are in the midwest. My husband and I flew to NY twice now for paternity hearings and a monthly amount still has not been determined. In NY the amount of child support is 17% of the gross salary. In Minnesota, I think it is 20% of the net.<P>Do you have an attorney? A good attorney can present to the courts that your means will not support the horrendous amount they are mandating. You should not have to change your lifestyle and have to return to work to support the OW and the OC. SHE should go to work since she decided to keep the child, it is her responsibility to take care of it. Your husband should pay something but to be paid the same amount of money that a wife of several years would receive is ridiculous. There should be some kind of sliding scale. Wives one amount, long time girlfriends another, conniving homewreckers getting the least. <P>Had she done the right thing and given it up for adoption, everyone could have put this ugly episode behind them and moved forward without all the added angst and heartache and financial destruction. Shame on her.<P>As far as you getting a handle on your emotions, now you have the forum to come to so you can vent and look for advice and comfort. Everyone here is so wonderful and giving. <P>And there are several others, unfortunately, who have this unique (or maybe not so unique anymore)problem to deal with here on the forum.<P>You'll probably hear from Audrey who is completely kind and is trying to include the OC into their lives, and I don't know how she does it. <BR>And, Jenny is wise and has a lot of sage advise and is open to including the OC in her life as well. She has been in a successful recovery with her spouse for over a year and together they employ the MB prinicples into their lives-especially the Policy of Joint Agreement. <BR>I wish I were more like they are and less angry, but, regardless of my basic personality flaws and combative stance, I am here for you as well.<P>There are several newcomers sharing your plight; Sad in St. Louis, Texasgirl, Troll, Sadgirl, and others.<P>Prayers<P>Catnip =^^=

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As others have said welcome babstr,<P>You are welcome and we are all so sorry you are here in these circumstances. I have not myself been though this, but I held my sister while she cried over it and I listened on the phone while she thought about revenge. Fortunately she limited it to a baseball bat to his van and scissors to all his favorite shirts. <P>Her circumstances are similar to yours. They have been paying child support for years, they live in Minnesota, they have actually considered divorce because her income is included in the formula for child support and it irks her no end. <P>The mother is a s**t, he was drunk. No excuse, I know, but we are tallking about several kids from the same sort of circumstances. He didn't want anything to do with the kid for years, It was his position that he had a wife and children and that was where he was going to be.<BR>And he has been.<P>It was rough on my sister to tell her daughters about it. But she is a really gutsy lady and has taken the kid into her house (kid now 16 and having problems).<P>It has been a finanacial drain and an emotional one for her but they are still together, they have 4 great kids, these are absolutely my favorite nieces and nephews.<P>Ok I started with all the bad stuff, and it will be nasty. There can be a good ending, I have seen it happen. My parents have met this child and accepted her as a grandchild.<P>I don't know how it will work out for you. But it can work out. Take care of yourself first of all.

babstr,<P>I am SO sorry for your predicament!!!! I too am a stay home mom. My H too had an OC by XOW. I just posted my story to another newby at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000524.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000524.html</A> <P>I offer you my support, and there are many of us here lately. <P>As for your finances, I share your value of being home for the kid(s). Can you get away with working just part-time, or starting a homebusiness? If your H went to work at a second job part-time, or started a cheap home business (consulting, anything re:computers, woodworking, crafts), would his child-support be increased accordingly? If not, that would be one way for him to show his support for YOU and your baby! You would have to work harder at keeping your marriage together with the demands on time, but that will happen anyway with you working. Are there ways you can consolidate bills or cut expenses? Perhaps a less expensive car or no second car, taking lunch, cutting some extras? Just ideas I'm throwing out here. There is support available for a thrifty lifestyle! Sometimes the childcare, extra wardrobe and more eating out associated with a job renders the added income smaller than you might think.<P>Congradulations on keeping your marriage intact so far! You are in grief and shock right now. Please take good care of yourself and keep it SLOW!<P>Good luck and blessings,<BR>Jenny

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