It has apparently worked for my FIL. He never seemed to have more than a superficial relationship with his sons. When his wife of about 40 years died 7 years ago, he seemed to recover quickly. People say grief, guilt, hurt or other emotions will resurface later if ignored, but he's in his 80's - he will probably go to his grave without ever having to have dealt with strong emotion. Maybe he shut himself off after a siblings death when he was a child - who knows, but it works for him. <P>My H is somewhat the same. And how has it harmed him? He is very good at ignoring feelings - many times when we were together and I was worried about something he said, "Just don't think about it". When he couldn't face whatever problems he perceived, he just ran away. No problem. He is happy. How is he harmed by this? His kids are harmed; I am harmed; but he is fine. And if this relationship doesn't work out, well, he can just run to someone else - pretty much indefinitely. This kind of life may not seem right to the rest of us - certainly I couldn't pull it off even if I wanted to - but it works for him. And his kids see that. Our son is showing signs of being the same way - more than once when he has had a problem, he just says he doesn't want to think about it, and then doesn't. Easy as that. Must be nice. Sometimes wish I could do it. And maybe the kids would end up happier if they were encouraged to just ignore their feelings and never tell anyone why they are angry at them. It gives you a lot of power over your loved ones, who try desparately to figure out what, if anything, they have done wrong, while you continue to say everything is fine yet your actions don't match your words. It has worked for their father and their grandfather - why not for them. Yes, it has negative effects on the people who love them, but it seems to be a very effective way of enjoying life. <P>Frank Pittman premise in his book, "Grow-Up" was that the way to achieve happiness was to do the right thing. Maybe he is just plain wrong. Maybe the way to achieve happiness is to pursue short-term happiness, and when that wears thin, run away and start over.<BR>

Nellie,<BR>In the context of "doing the right thing" to be happy...everyone does try to do this. What is right for you and me, is not necessarily right for another person. <P>On the other hand, short term happiness eventually does catch up with one....if they continue to run, eventually they have no where to go and do have to confront this. Of course if there is a partner, then the partner will be blamed. Providing others can be blamed as the cause of uhappiness within themselves, then they never do have to confront or "learn" and grow as a person, out of adolescence. <P>I do believe some people do not want to or are unable to process their emotions and this lets them, in a way, take no responsibility for their actions, or problem solve...often their part in this is too painful to confront. (your FIL, H and perhaps son) It does seem to give them happiness, but what is this term "happiness"...oh to be so egocentric and narcissistic that this can happen.<P>The truth as I see it, while they may be happy, could you behave in this type of manner and still be happy? I know I could not. Furthermore, I think that you will also find that underneath all the layers rthese people are not happy...superficially yes, but self esteem and self respect are so damaged.<P>

Nellie, I am so sorry that you and your children are suffering because of your h's inability to deal with emotions "issues".<P>I do know how much it hurts. My H also has that difficulty. <P>It has hurt me. Yet I do think I overfunctioned for him all these years in that area. He has always blamed other people or jobs for his unhappiness. <P>I never dreamed he would then dump it on me and the kids. He is in counceling, so I know he is beginning to do something about it.<P>But what about the kids. I really think the lessons that my H is teaching by his actions are detrimental; to the kids. Without harming what my children do feel for their dad (because they are so young and do not understant) I plan to try my best to teach them how to grow up and deal with the issues.<P>I currently have my eldest (11 D) going to a wonderful counselor who has given me great advise. My S will be next. My S really doesn't like to deal with feelings. He may not be able to tell me the word to describe how he is feeling, so we came up with colors. Black is very sad...brown is next in line, and yellow for him is happy!!!!<P>This has been a great way to get him to start to deal with his feelings.<P>I don't think I am better than my H, or anyone else for that matter. I don't think I have all the answers....in fact, as I "mature" (I'm 43) I realize how much I do NOT know. But I will tell you this. I'm taking a stand in this instance. I will stand firm and not compromise my values for my H., I am going to try very hard to teach my children how to make the hard choices in their lives to do the "right thing". <P>I suppose the right thing may be different for everyone....but I believe that there are basic tenets one can look to...<P><BR>not walking out when the going gets tough, or you just don't "feel"like dealing with it is one for me!!!<P>concidering others, especially loved ones, along with yourself would be another.<P>You know Nellie, we cannot change them but we can help our children grow. This past year I have come to the conclusion that one of our main objectives in life is the nourishment of our souls....

willbok,<P>No, I could not do what he has done and be happy - but I'm not he. I think sometimes they never do run out of places to run - it is possible to keep running all your life.<P>tootrusting,<P>I don't know if it is possible to raise children to be good, responsible adults when they constantly see how effective the opposite is. Even in terms of relatively minor things like chores - right now the kids agree that chores are good for kids to have, even though they may complain. But after years of going over to the OW's, where to the best of their knowledge her children have to do nothing - will they still feel that way? They have learned very well that the road to happiness is via finding someone rich to live with. They have certainly not learned that money does not buy happiness - because in the case of their father, it most certainly has. My H just got laid off - and consequently, the child support will drop precipitously and we will be plunged into poverty - literally - unless he finds a new job soon. After all these years of working part-time and then being a SAHM, I can not earn enough to support the kids by myself. At least in a marriage when one person is laid off, the other can work without having to pay daycare. In the area where I live, I would spend close to 50% of my income on daycare costs, if I were working full-time. As long as he stays with her, he may have a hard time paying his bills if he is not working, but he never has to worry about having a roof over his head or food to eat. Financially speaking, leaving your family and finding someone rich to live with is definitely the way to go. I would feel guilty about the prospect of my kids living in poverty, and I am sure he wouldn't want his children to starve, but he seems to think that I can somehow come up with the money to support them. <P>