Here I am again H has been gone a day and a half. No one seems to know where he might be, of course I suspect he is with OW but not certain. A bunch of his friends are here at our garage working on the race car and he is no where to be found.<P>I find this very upsetting. Not only that he is inconsiderate of my feelings but the fact that they are all here and he isn't even helping and didn't call a one of them is pretty self centered.<P>Then tonight around 7pm he calls and says he will be home in the morning. I asked him where the heck he has been and he says "I needed to get away, you think that you are the only one with problems I am too". Well his problems are brought on by his behavior (drinking and the OW).. So I am just suppose to be nice and say I understand. He was half in the bag so what ever he says I can't trust to be the truth. He said he wouldn't tell me where he was because I would come and look for him. I find the whole thing to be self centered and rude.<P>What do I do when he comes home in the morning? I would just love to let him have it. I can't tell you how many weekends and nights I have been here alone while he is out with the OW or drinking. Why does he feel that he should be allowed to come and go do what he wants and spend the house payment money to boot. <P>Any suggestions on what to say or do or what not to say or do????????

bc,<P>I'm proud of you for finally going to Alanon. Sorry I'm replying a little late.<P>My views on this are still the same as they have been. I think you need to be in Plan B. Your husband is using you as his doormat and you are allowing it to happen.<P>I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the vacillating back & forth is only prolonging this.<P>If you don't go into Plan B, you are going to lose ALL love for your H.<P>Of course, this is only my opinion. I really want things to work out for you. I really do. However, as I replied in your earlier posts, you need to detach yourself from your H & this OW.<P>As long as your H is drinking, there is no hope for recovery. You need to think of yourself right now...and ONLY yourself. That's the only way that you are going to survive this without it messing you up.

NoTrust,<P>I have been sitting here thinking of what to do and have come up with the idea of calling my lawyer on Monday to see if I would jepordize anything if I were to leave. I need to know this before I make a move. Actually as bad as it sounds, wish my H would move out. As it is he really isn't here much only to shower and use the garage. Why not sleep someplace else. <P>I am trying very hard to detach myself from my H and the OW. I think I may be making some headway with the OW. I try and think of her as the pond scum she is and then leave it alone. I am the better person and she is no catch. As for my H he tends to pull my strings. Just like when he called trying to tell me I am not the only one with problems and he needed to get away. Just trying to get me to respond in the way he wanted. So in a way he is punishing me by not coming home so that I am alone. Well tonight I treated myself to dinner and I think a nice relaxing night at home. At least I know for a fact he won't be home instead of wondering when.<P>He sounded very drunk when he called so I would imagine he is on a binge. Will he ever hit bottom?? We were actually wondering earlier if he was in jail? What a thought. I told everyone that he wouldn't call me because I told him never to call if he was in jail.<P>Why are they so self centered selfish b*******.

Hi bc,<P>Yes, do speak with your attorney first before moving out. I don't really know the legalities of it. Maybe you should Post this question and hopefully, others may be able to fill you in and give you some ideas.<P>I remember how agonizing it was for me to wait for my H and then he wouldn't come home. If he did come home, it would be around 4 in the morning. At first, I thought he was just at bars all night. I was too naive and in denial to believe that a OW even existed. I, like others, couldn't believe that he would do something so rotten and low-down.....In addition, everytime I asked him, he would deny it. I for the life of me, can't understand the reasoning behind this. If a person wants to be with someone else...then geez! Just tell your spouse that you are cheating and let the betrayed spouse have the opportunity to make the decision to stay or not. Why do they have to be so stupid and secretive? I'm so sick of the irrational and selfish mind of betrayers.<P>But, the limit to which I was able to put up with my H's stupid crap didn't last long. After 6 weeks of it, I got tired of our home being "his stopover" and me being used as a "doormat." I felt like the cook, bookkeeper, housekeeper, caretaker and nanny.<P>I hadn't yet found MB, but after the 6 weeks of his bull, he finally admitted that there was OW. The affair ended upon his admission. If it hadn't ended, I know for a fact that I would've been gone. I had already spoke with family and arranged to move out. I guess that would have been a Plan B.<P>I can imagine how horrible this is for you. I just don't know how you have the strength to put up with it for so long. I personally know that I couldn't do it.<P>I also think of OW as scum. After my H dumped her, she had the audacity to contact him after a 9-month absence. She was obviously testing the waters. I e-mailed her and told her that she was scum and to get her own life and stay out of ours. Boy was she mad! But, I don't care. That stupid idiot wrote me that she did get on with her life. PLEASEEEEE....give me a break! If she did get on with her life, then she wouldn't be testing the waters 9 months later! What a stupid freak! I felt good telling her how I felt. I will never regret that. I wanted her to know that I am "the wife" and that I do exist. I had just about had it with her stupid juvenile desperate games and I wasn't about to put up with it or her anymore.<P>Sorry, I am rambling....<P>When your H comes home in the morning, or should I say....IF he comes home in the morning, I think that you should just not say anything. Just proceed with what you are going to do on Monday (speak with your attorney about your rights and protecting yourself financially).<P>I am also wondering when your H is going to wake up. I suspect he will finally wake up when you are gone and when he has to fend for himself. Reality will set in and he will realize how much he lost. By then, I hope that it isn't too late and that your love for him isn't completely gone.

Been in your shoes.....and I hated it. A few weeks after discovery (11-98) my H started doing that crap. If I would confront him on something I had found out that day.....I would get the call....from a phone booth.....from work......or a hotel....telling me he wasn't coming home. He did this so much that when the phone rang around 5:30 pm, my heart felt like it would break.<P>After the first few times...he would leave for a couple days. He started carrying extra clothes in his trunk...and also a gym bag with razor, toothbrush, brush, shampoo etc. One time I remember sneaking into his trunk and taking all the stuff out and putting the bag back in there empty.....Mr. "Stud" was none too happy. But I was sick of it. He would waltz in the house whenever he wanted.....but mainly to take a hot shower in a clean bathroom.....pick up "clean" clothes....or sit on his butt and watch TV all day just to do it again the next day.<P>I finally pushed him away. I filed for D. He was spending so much money...between hotels....clothes.....beer.....buying the OW stuff...that I had to protect myself and the girls. He ran up the credit cards and now I am going to be responsible for paying half. To me that is like paying for OW's fun...her drinks...presents...and I am not happy. Filing for D was the only way.<P>He had been gone for 10 days without hearing from him. He was staying in hotels.....partying all night long and buying tons of stuff.<P>At first it was horrible......then I felt good about myself.....then I lost it. Fell apart and begged for him to come home. All of this sucks...I hate getting a divorce....but I have no choice....I do not know this man.....and I am sure if I just met him today...I would never date him or give him the time of day. That is how I look at it now. He isn't my type.<P>I am sure none of this is helping you out....I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.....how it hurts so much.<P>Nancy

Thank you for your posts and it does make me feel a little better knowing others realize just how it feels. He did come home this morning around 5am. I didn't say too much just asked if he had been with the OW. He said no and I left it at that. Whether or not it is the truth at this point there is no sense in pushing anymore because if he doesn't want to tell me the truth he never will.<P>I am contemplating going to the races he will be at today. The OW will most definately be there. Maybe in a way I hope that I will catch them together so I can actually ask them both why it is such a secret seeing I already know what is going on. And if my H really wants "to get it over" (his term for divorce he can't say the D word) then why is he dragging his feet. <P>He too has probably spent most of his unemployment check that I needed most of to pay the mortgage. I also feel like it is me that is buying her things and bank rolling him. If he doesn't give me much money then I am going to tell him I am going to stop paying certain bills (mainly the ones in his name only) until he gives me the money. That means no electric, phone, union dues etc. I will pay the mortgage seeing my name is also on it.<P>When they start calling asking him about the bills then he gets angry. I have done this in the past and he asked me why something wasn't paid on time and I told him bluntly that I didnt' have the money. <P>Well now I am rambling. I think you are right that until he loses everything including me and must fend for himself he won't begin to realize just what he had. Guess it is call the lawyer time again tomorrow.<P>Thanks again for all the support.