After a very bad weekend, H was gone two days straight and when he came home he didn't want to tell me where he had been. I am afraid he was with the OW but not sure.<P>I tried talking to him but there is never a good time. Got up this morning and tried to say something but he was half asleep and I had to go to work. Now tonight he is going back to work and for two weeks will be working nights. (M-Sat 6pm-4am) I will never see him only when he gets home in the morning and I will be sleeping and then have to get up and go to work.<P>I just have so much pent up negative energy I am feeling like a time bomb ready to blow. I just wish he would get off the fence on one side or the other. My lawyer said it wouldn't be wise to move out because of the financial problems that might arise seeing my H is not very good at paying bills. So now I am stuck with him saying he wants to get it over with but not doing anything to get it over with.<P>Is he trying to send me over the deep end? I have already done a stupid thing (yes took too many pills and wound up in the hospital) and I just feel like he is pushing me to the edge. I am on antidepressants and I think that is helping to a point and counseling but I really wonder if he is pushing me so that I will snap and then he can have everything.<P>HELP

Been there, felt that. In my case, it wasn't that my H was TRYING to make me crazy (although he was succeeding). He is just a conflict avoider. His using any excuse not to deal with it (physical distance, lying, working, etc) was just sending me off the deep end!<P>How do you change it? I am not sure. In my case, I wrote my H a letter saying that I thought he was a conflict avoider. I gave examples to support this. I told him how it was affecting me and that if he was sincere about working things out, he'd have to be stronger than that (the macho man doesn't like beign told he is weak in any way) and deal with me. I expressed that by avoiding the issues, he was simply burying them (he thinks out of sight, out of mind) for them to resurface later. (I gave examples...). He sat on this and agreed with me. He is making an attempt to be different. He is better, but still drives me crazy. <P>I understand his behavior now and can put a different definition on it. It's not that he doesn't WANT to try, it's that he doesn't know how to do it openly and honestly. My H is much more vulnerable and hurt inside than he lets on. Realizing this gives me more compassion and helps me to deal with things in little chunks instead of dropping the whole load that has built up into a mountain on him. Realizing that he is taking baby steps makes me hopeful that some day he will be able to feel and express things on the surface so that conflict isn't so scary.<P>I don't know if this is your H's problem too, but I hope it has given you another way of looking at things. Maybe he isn't doing it on purpose.

{{{{{{{{{{{bc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Oh, bc, I feel so bad. I don't even know what to say. My H, even in his worst times, never stayed out all night. Not even when there was OW involved.<P>Popeye is right, baby steps. I know how hard it must be with all the pent up negative energy you are feeling. That's what I went through too. And, when he was drinking, even if I went off the deep end, which I have done with mini nervous breakdowns, going on antidepressants, etc., it never affected him the way I wanted it to. The antidepressants were for me, to deal with living with an alcoholic, but, they affected me too well! I got to the point where I just didn't care about anything! I had to get off that. The breakdowns, it wasn't a concious effort to make him feel bad, but I noticed that it was the only way to affect him even if it was just for a couple of hours.<P>I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry I don't have any advice or anything to give to you. The only thing I have to give you right now is my support. <P>Go to your Al Anon meeting tonight. Make sure you go to get the support you need. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil you're going through right now. <P>I'm just trying to figure out why he's making this so difficult for you. What is he so angry at? What happened to him that he needs to take this out on you? <P>I know when I first found out about the A, the first thing I did, was take out all the money in our joint savings account (99% of it was mine anyway), and close out all the credit cards we had in both our names. I opened up others in my own name. Just a precautionary issue. My H is not good with bills either. It's all he can do to remember to pay his truck and motorcycle payments each month. Everything else is left up to me. Don't give him anymore "spending" money. Let him take care of that. Take what you need from him to pay the bills and don't worry about the rest. If that's feasible. <P>bc, I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something more. I wish I had that one magical answer to give to you. <P>Just do what you have to do to get yourself back on track. Worry about you for now. Once you've gained your strength back and are in control of yourself, then deal with H. Prove to him that you're going to come out of this strong and in control. No matter which way it turns out. He knows you don't want the divorce. So don't do anything. I know it kills you not to, but if he wants it that bad, he's going to have to do it himself. And guess what? You know he's so afraid of losing the house he built, well, he should of thought about that before he got you guys into this mess. It's his mess to clean up. Leave the mess to rot until he can't stand it anymore. Ergo, "rock bottom". <P>Hugs for you, bc. Big ones! Just keep venting here and going to Al Anon. You will get through this. <P>--purplemag<P>

Purplemag<P>Thanks for the support I really need it right now. There really isn't any money in our joint checking account and I needed the money from him this week to pay the mortgage. I asked him last week and he didn't give me any and then went on his binge for two days. He said he would go to the bank this morning but I doubt there is much left to deposit. I told him the mortgage was already late and that the phone bill was due also.<P>The phone bill is in his name only so I won't pay that and others that are only in his name. Maybe he will get the message if they start calling looking for money. He also has a cell phone bill that is $165 and I haven't paid that either because he used it to talk to the OW all the time. I had the service cancelled too. <P>I do have an appointment today with the counselor maybe that will help. I keep telling him or I guess asking him if a divorce is really what he wants and his answer is always I don't know. Then there are times after I try and talk to him and get upset he says lets just "get it over with". I tell him ok call your lawyer and he refuses. Says we don't need the lawyers etc. <P>So right now my hands are pretty much tied. My lawyer refuses to move ahead without my H's net worth statement and my H refuses to fill it out. He wants to keep the house and I told him we will put it up for sale and he gets very angry. Doesn't he understand that all of this was caused by him and the affair. Does he really think he can have a divorce and the house and I will just go on my merry way. I have told him that I am still in love with him and don't really want the divorce but can't continue on like this.<P>UGHHHHH I just want to explode.

oh my god...that is how i was for the longest time. i seriously recommend that you do not "lose it"...you have got to keep your mind off it. see that counselor, ANYTHING. i lost it on my H the other day, and while he was holding the baby, i just started whacking him and kicking him...because he could not fight back (normally he holds me down and threatens to kill me, so this was almost like pro-active self-defense. i am not a violent person at all). he called the cops, said he hung up, but the sheriff showed up a few minutes later and 'cuffed me and took me to the jail.<BR>he bailed me out in a couple hours, but it was a severe inconvenience.<BR>the thing was, i had been a fuse ready to blow for a LONG time, and i never took steps to dampen it. i thought i was just going to have a 3 day crying jag, but, no, i got violent.<BR>please, get some support for yourself, and keep coming here, ok?<BR>lWb

I did go to the counselor and it was a new one. This is the third one because the first went on maternity leave, the second took a job someplace else and now I am on the third. I guess I am getting a bunch of opinions at least.<P>This woman seems very knowledgeble. She is older and maybe wiser. I felt better after I went but then it was back to work and things were very stressful there too. I rushed home last night to try and see my H before he left for work (he is working 6pm-4am) and I saw him but things weren't any better. He still is sitting on the fence so to speak and won't go one way or the other even though he has said he wants our marriage over. He doesn't pursue that. <P>So last night I went to Alanon again and listening to the people there really helped. I need to work on myself and maybe now realize better than before that I can't control my H or his actions.(drinking, seeing and calling the OW) He denies that he is still seeing the OW but I have my doubts. He really doesn't give me any reason to trust him so of course I think the worst.<P>At least with him working the crazy hours our time together is very minimal(in the morning 4:30-6am when I go to work) so we really can't get into it too much. I am hoping maybe this time spent away from me might make him realize I am a good person and our marriage is worth saving. <P>The OW came to our house last week and I still have the urge to call her and tell her not to step foot on my property. My lawyer says that if she does come to the house I can have her removed.

good for you taking care of yourself!keep busy, and just be the wonderful woman he married, and he'll eventually wake up (my H sat on the fence for almost 3 years..he must have a picket implanted in his posterior by now)

Lovewasblind,<P>Did your H finally get off the fence? If so which side did he choose and was there anything you did to help him along in the decision?<P>I just find it so hard not to get so upset and then lose it, yell,cry, nag etc all of the things I shouldn't do. I am also dealing with an alcohol problem (my H's) and the OW will sit with him and drink all night all day or whenever and I won't.

Hi bc,<P>I'm really proud of you. That's great that you went to another Alanon meeting and to your counselor too. When I used to go to Alanon meetings, I used to feel really good afterwards. Do you feel better after you attend the meetings? There always seemed to be a feeling of compassion, understanding and support in that atmosphere.<P>Hopefully, this counselor will be a good one. It sounds like you are taking the right steps towards self-recovery and healing.<P>Just keep doing what you are doing. You will be okay...<P>p.s. As far as your H is concerned, just detach yourself.

NoTrust,<P>Yes it was good to go to another meeting and the counselor all in the same day. I really needed help yesterday. I didn't say anything but just listened again at the meeting. I am going to go again Thursday night. They have meetings two nights a week and say you should try at least six to see how you make out.<P>My H is working nights (6pm-4am) so I don't see much of him only for an hour when he gets home in the morning before I go to work. Maybe this is a good thing. Sorta like I am on my own seeing he isn't home. Also doesn't allow me to get worked up and yell, beg etc. All the bad things.<P>Maybe it will also help with the detachment part of things. The one unfortunate thing is that I still have the urge to call the OW and tell her that I know she came to my house and not to come there again that I have spoken to my lawyer and I CAN have her removed. What do you think????<P>

Hi bc,<P>I'm glad to hear that you will be going to another Alanon meeting on Thursday. The first time I went, I didn't say anything. I wanted to get comfortable first. But after the 1st meeting, I did share, even though I didn't have to. I did feel better too. People are so understanding and supportive there. I only have one close friend where I live, and she didn't understand what I was going through. I needed to be around people who understood and could provide positive support.<P>As far as OW coming to your house, maybe you should ask your lawyer what you should do (since time has already passed). You don't want to come off as harrassing her, although she is the one who is instigating this.<P>Boy would I want to beat the crap out of her if I found out that she was at my house, but then, that wouldn't be right either and I'd be put in jail. Best thing to do, just ask for your lawyer's advice....OR, don't do anything unless it happens again.

NoTrust,<P>Yes I would like to beat the crap out of her but I would end up in jail. I think I will leave it alone unless it happens again and then I will talk to my lawyer. He did say that if she was there when I was I could have her removed. He also was adding in his letter to my H's lawyer that she was not to call or be at my house.<P>It is nice to know that others are going through the same thing I am.

Good decisions bc.....<P>Even though you don't yet realize it, you ARE doing better.<P>Just remember that word, DETACH DETACH DETACH.....

bc, my H seems to have fallen back to my side of the fence. unfortunately for you, he is not a drinker, and OW is, and it was not something he wanted in his life. she abused him even worse than i did, apparantly.<BR>i would do sneaky, stupid little things to make her mad (mean little emails and instant messages, mostly), and she would call and yell at him about it. he was mad at both of us.<BR> but in the end, he would do anything not to lose his children. he nearly divorced me b/c i got pregnant, but now he is so totally in love with our little girl he would do anything to keep her.<BR>like i said, though, things have been bad for a LOOOOOOOONG time, and he finally had to get rid of OW for his own sanity.<BR>i wish i could give you more hope <P>------------------<BR><A HREF="http://www.go.to/wcu" TARGET=_blank>loveWASblind</A>

bc,<P> BIG THUMBS UP!!<P> Going to Alaon is a definite step toward peace for your household. Great for you! I am really, really impressed and proud of you! Keep up the good work! Victoria

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by popeye:<BR><B>Been there, felt that. In my case, it wasn't that my H was TRYING to make me crazy (although he was succeeding). He is just a conflict avoider. His using any excuse not to deal with it (physical distance, lying, working, etc) was just sending me off the deep end!<P>How do you change it? I am not sure. In my case, I wrote my H a letter saying that I thought he was a conflict avoider. I gave examples to support this. I told him how it was affecting me and that if he was sincere about working things out, he'd have to be stronger than that (the macho man doesn't like beign told he is weak in any way) and deal with me. I expressed that by avoiding the issues, he was simply burying them (he thinks out of sight, out of mind) for them to resurface later. (I gave examples...). He sat on this and agreed with me. He is making an attempt to be different. He is better, but still drives me crazy. <P>I understand his behavior now and can put a different definition on it. It's not that he doesn't WANT to try, it's that he doesn't know how to do it openly and honestly. My H is much more vulnerable and hurt inside than he lets on. Realizing this gives me more compassion and helps me to deal with things in little chunks instead of dropping the whole load that has built up into a mountain on him. Realizing that he is taking baby steps makes me hopeful that some day he will be able to feel and express things on the surface so that conflict isn't so scary.<P>I don't know if this is your H's problem too, but I hope it has given you another way of looking at things. Maybe he isn't doing it on purpose.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow. You just wrote the story of my struggles to work with my husband to get this right. Every baby step feels like a miracle and I treasure them. It's hard to convince myself that they have to be enough for right now. But I know I have to be prepared to chip away s-l-o-w-l-y and very carefully at this incredibly negative and self-defeating way of coping that he has evolved. The slightest nudge at him to deal with his insides, let alone mine, results in a complete shutdown and backsliding.<P>Patience, patience, patience.<BR>

Thanks to all<P>I really appreciate the support that you all give me. Knowing that it comes from people that really KNOW what I am going through makes it all the more special. I know it took awhile for me to get my butt to Alanon but after the first time it wasn't that bad.<P>I am not a real social person so that may be part of it, but everyone there made me feel at home so that was a big help.<P>Like I said my H went back to work (finally) but is working 10 hour days 6 days a week. He works 6pm to 4am so I only see him when he gets home in the morning about an hour before I have to get up and go to work. Maybe this is a good thing that we aren't having so much contact and less time to have negative talks. At least I know that when I go to bed he won't be coming home because he is working.<P>My next dilemma is that his lawyer sent him a letter in the mail today asking for his Net worth statement again at the pressing of my lawyer. It also stated that having his girlfriend call and visit our house isn't making things any easier. Now I am afraid of what his response will be. I am tired of being his front door mat and felt that if he really wanted this divorce then he could do some of the work. I wasn't just going to give him final papers to sign.<P>The counselor said that his seeming reluctance or at least hesitance at filling out the paperwork may mean that he isn't really sure this is what he wants. I am hoping this might be true but many things will have to change before I could trust him again.