After talking to some family members and myself(thru e mail), I think my h is finally getting the drift that his relationship with ow is really bothering our kids. At first I think he really thought they would just get use to the idea. <P>My h thinks its ok to call our house at night to say goodnight from ow house. Problem is we have caller id and her number always shows up. My kids go running to see who it is and when they see her name they just say gross. <P>He also drove them to her house a few times to get articles of clothing he left there even when the kids tell him they don't want to go.<P>On days when he has the kids,he has been known to drop them off with his sister so he could go out with ow. <P>We also had a huge fight the other night because he was at my house watching boys and when I got home the phone was ringing and it was her. I told him to stop that. As he was leaving out side he started to yell at me very loud and the kids heard the whole thing from inside the house. <P>He leaves there baseball games early and missed their parade this year to be with ow. <P>All of this from a father who would have won father of the year award 2 years ago. He loves those kids so much but right now he is so blinded he cant see that he is hurting them. <P>Anyway, today he sends me an e mail asking if I would agree to go to a counselor to sit down and figure out how we can learn to communicate better so we can show the kids that we still care about each other. I told him that I am not opposed to that but until he can honestly tell me why he walked out on 19 years of a wonderful life together I don't think we can be civil. Now, he wants to go back to the counselor that I am seeing, same counselor we went to for marriage therapy. I told him what good would that do? Even that counselor said that he can't help me understand why my h left. He is convinced my h has some deeper problems including low self esteem. <P>So, I wrote back to my h that I think we should go see his counselor. I mean if he is so sure he made the right decision to leave his wife and kids, then I am sure his counselor was able to validate that for him. ( He had only been to his counseslor 2 times) He wrote back to me that he was going to go ahead and set up the appointment with the first counselor(mine) and after we see him, we will go to his...<P>What do you make of all this??? DO you think that his relationship with his kids, or should I say lack of relationship with his kids is finally getting to him? Or, is this his way of getting me to go with him to a counselor so he can once and for all tell me to get on with my life in front of someone else who will listen?<P>I am having such a hard time getting thru all of this. I finally made an appointment for next week to go get some medication to help me. <P>The hardest thing about this entire situation is my h will tell me that none of this has to do with me and that he loves me but that he knows in his heart that this ow is his soul mate. He feels you only have one life to live and while you are living it you have to be the happiest you possibly can. He is so selfish. But, I think he is starting to realize that the kids don't have the same feeling for him as they use to. I think it is starting to get to him. <P>Do you think this could lead to trouble in the rest of his relationship with ow. I mean, my kids are not allowed to be near her because of all the harassing she put us through. <P>Nothing about his relationship with ow is healthy. Yet, he says it has been going on for to long for it not to be real. They snuck around school for 2 years. An hour here and hour there. Then, he has been living with her since Late January 2000. IT was purely sexual immediately as she is extremely sexual. <P>My counselor thinks that he thinks of her as his trophy. When he is with her, he feels wonderful. He think everyone looks at him as whose the guy with the georgeous girl. <P>I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts out there tonight??<BR>

Wasn't there something about custody issues and psychiatric evaluation for Him? Maybe his lawyer advised him to do this so he'll look like a good guy going to the counselor and trying to do what's best for kids. Does it seems like he's got an ulterior motive to you? I don't know if I would go maybe he just wants to say things so that you will react making you look bad in front of the counselor.

Hi,<BR> Some hope for you here! My H thought exactly like your H,the soulmate thing,only go around once in life,deserve to be happy yada,yada,yada. Same old story we all hear from soooooo many WS.My H too was the most wonderful father.We are recovering beautifully.<P>Well let me tell you something.My kids (3 of them, at the time ages 13/son,9/son with multiple handicaps,6/daughter)were very unhappy about dad moving out after I discovered the affair.H moved out by himself.The 9 yo didn't understand,so he didn't have much of an impact.The 13yo, who is very close to his dad, always acted like "no big deal",but he refused to adjust his weekends with friends etc to go to his dad's new place.I really think his indifference towards his dad killed my H inside.My D on the other hand was devistated. She cried just about every time she saw H and asked continually when he was coming home.She also wanted nothing to do with going to stay at his "new" place on the weekends.My H could not last being alienated from his kids because of his own doing.<P>I doubt your H's motive for seeing a counselor together is underhanded.He probably truly wants his kids to accept this arrangement of his...but they won't.They know HE is wrong.When all was said and done,H said it was because of the kids that he sat and evaluated what he was doing.He says when he put our life together on a scale we definitely won out over OW.<P>Now this revelation didn't happen overnight,nor did it happen with Ow in the picture.He had no contact with her when he moved out, so that he could make up his mind whether or not he wanted to stay married to me.So the fog had thinned somewhat without his having daily contact with her. OW made the big mistake of telling him that it wasn't "fair" that he was considering working on his marriage.I used this prime opportunity to point out something. I asked H to sit OW down in front of his 3 kids and let her tell THEM that it "wasn't fair", that she wanted their daddy and what they wanted didn't matter. That really woke him up! <P>Maybe if you think carefully,and collaborate with your counselor(yes,go see YOUR counselor if he's willing)before the two of you sit down together with that counselor,you and the counselor can come up with a way to lead this session in a way that would be beneficial to the restoration of your marriage.Just an idea.Good luck to you.

Thanks for the advise guys. <P>Yes I am the one with the h that will have to undergo psychiatric evaluation because he told his lawyer that he loves me but he can't control himself when it comes to ow. He once had her arrested for her harassign behavior. Hand cuff and all. Also because there are children involved. <P>My h moved out of our house and directly into her house. He never got a place of his own. He would not be able to afford it.<P>I called my counselor tonight to warn him that my h will be calling him. I don't think its a good idea to discuss a reconciliation with my counselor. He thinks that I would be crazy to take him back. He tells me I don't deserve to be treated the way my h treated my. This is the 3rd time he cheated with same woman. My counselor is a big believer in 3 strikes your out. He also feel my h has deeper emotional problems that he hasn't even touched on yet. He believes I would be much happier with someone else. <P>But,he is not me and he has only met my h a few times. He is afraid that I will take him back and he also said that he would bet his career that my h is gonna want to come back to me soon.<P>Still not sure why I still have so much love for someone who hurt me more than anyone ever did. Is it all worth it??? I ask myself this everyday. My heart is just not ready to let go but my mind keeps telling me to. <P>I have been able to look at this as an illness that he just can't control. I mean he wanted to be with his family 2 times before but after the ow got her breast implants, that sent him over the edge. YUCK!!!!!!!

Get a new counselor and fast! You need someone who will support you in your desire to heal your marriage.Yes,these WS are suffering an illness/crisis.I truly believe this,especially when they turn from being loving family men to being unable to control their thoughts and desires for OW.There are those men that are no good to begin with,those I don't believe offer much hope when an affair is just one more rotten thing they do to their spouse. Your H doesn't sound like one of those kinds of men.He sounds addicted to be sure and that is difficult to control without help and most likely temporary insanity! Find someone who believes your family should stay together.The counselor you have is unlikely able to help you due to personal bias.

Hey missy, yes it is very scary to read your posts...they sound so much like what is happening in my life. <P>I think this is a very good sign,no matter what. <P>Find a different counselor. Call a few people and get a "feel" for them.<P>That's what I did. I wanted a PHd. Someone with a fair amount of experience> (this guy has been a couples counselor for 20 years)<P>I figured with a lot of experience, they will have seen more things (then this will not seem so strange). I did ask him if he had ever read the Harley books. He hadn't but seemed interested. I didn't want to tell him too much which would have been my side of the story, and he didn't want to know to much from me...<P>But at some point he did mention depression as a high statistic in affairs. I figure he must have some knowledge of addiction, since it is related to depression.<P>I too am worried that my H just wants to do more scapegoating and tell me he wants to be a part of the kids life, but "life is too short and I want to be happy....(I still think it is the work and not the OP (you should see her))<P>I am going to prepare myself for him giving me a laundry list of "issues", or to rationalize. <P>I am still planning on telling him I want to work on the marraige and am willing to do what it takes......<P>My H has been in counseling since Jan. Up to a month ago, he laughed off the depression thing. "I'm not depressed". So I don't know how well my H has been able to skirt the subjects....But it was this week that he mentioned the problem being in him...I just don't know what label he is giving it. <P>I called a bunch of counselors. I listened to their credentials, exp. and how they talked. I know certain things that would really bug my H. and I crossed those people who would bug him for some reason off the list.<P>Isn't it funny. I really do know what bugs my H. You know why??? Because in the 13 years that I have been with him....so many things have bugged him....so many people have bugged him.......It seemed that I was the only one who didn't bug him.....Maybe my H can only have one person at a time that doesn't bug him....<P>You know what I think??? I think he bugs himself!!!!!!!<P>Keep on keepin on Missy. Be his friend, watch the LB"s even if you can't really plan A. <P><BR>I think it is very interesting about the kids!!!!! This is how my H began to reconnect. And I do know his therapist was not happy he was walking out on his kids. (H told me that)..... lLittle, by little, my H has begun to reconnect with our kids. It is not the same by any means, but it is improving. <P>Unfortunatly, I still have OP working with him. I do know he is working less. He is coming over before five sometimes, or is at home at 5. When he returned from his trip, he was all work, work, work.