I'm not doing a good job this week. Op moved out and put the pressure on my H.<P>It truly boggles my mind that he is so hoodwinked by her. Everyone in town knows her for what she is and yet my used to be very intellegent H can't seem to pull away from this loser.<P>If you've read any of my recent posts...I am losing patience and gently nnudging (I guess on this board it would be called pushing, but I am doing it respectfully...not screaming etc.,. He doesn't defend her any more and he also always apologizes to me)<P>My H is depressed and is in counseling but it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.<P>He plays the "i see us heading for divorce " vs....when I get strong.."don't leave. I will try to tell you the truth" game.<P>I really wish there was some way I could get him to read some of the posts here.<P>I wish he could look and see how "common" what he is doing and feeling is...it is not so "special" after all.<P>Has anyone ever tried to get s. on this board????? I know it goes under the category of trying to educate them, which I know I have done and I know it isn't a good thing to do....just like children.....but I wondered if there was another way, instead of educating them......like maybe telling them they might find support here.......

tootrusting,<P>Having you H come to the forum is not a panacea for problems...<BR>...but...<BR>...if you want to have him come over...<BR>...in a gentle way...<P>Have him check out some of the "<I>humor</I>" section posts on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post (near the bottom)...<P>Have him link to a few humor posts... and maybe suggest he he look at the top and click on some of the MB "home" "concepts"... links. Maybe send him e-mail with links to these posts. See if he can find this site (sort of) on his own.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks Jim,<P>I know he has to be the one to decide what is right for him.<P>I feel so bad because he has been so manipulated. And this OP is manipulating her H as well....It seems such a game.<P>I can actually tell he knows this is true, but is having difficulty controlling it.<P>The problem is within him....he knows that. I don't want to educate him, just let him know there is more support than just OP who is controlling his mind!!!!<P>A few months back he gave me a book of inspirational sayings. It's interesting, because if he actually read some of the sayings in the book he would "see" more clearly...but you see that is part of my h's problems and have always been. He can read every self-help book there is and articulate it but he cannot do it. <P>He has always had a hard time communicating, or dealing with conflicts at work. (THis is what OP does...she filters everything ...in and out. She tells their staff everything and they go to her and she tells my H...She deals with all the problems.....that is all she really is to him right now....he is just feeling so low he needs her to control his life.)<P>I just feel that if he could see himself in here...he is a smart, thinking man usually....something might spark....Thanks for the suggestion about the humor...I will try that....he actually really appreciates humor...

Hi Tootrusting -<P>I will be back to talk with you later, but I have a quick question....<P>Have you spoken with his counselor? Do you like this counselor? <P>Fill us in on that....<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>No, I haven't talked with his counselor. I was the one who found his counselor though. He was recommended by my counselor. She said he speciallized in men' issues...MLC, identity crisis etc.<P>He has a lot of experience. But, I have no idea what my H has been telling him. You know, my H was very grandiose in the beginning...He has come down a lot, but is still in the fog.<P>I actually did better when he was grandiose. It was so bizaar that I was able to pull back and just be there for him.<P>I saw sooooo much light for awhile. OP was gone and then we went on spring break...we were like a family..<P>He then followed that trip with a business trip with op (without telling me and then calling me every day and acting like he was so concerned for me)<P>I found out by accident that she went....I gently confronted him, told him I was having a hard time with the lies and needed to take control of my life alittle, simply because I needed to take care o f the kids as best I could.<P>He softened and really came on to me..making dinner etc. He even stayed here twice. His hugs were great.<P>Then Op moved out putting pressure on him... and getting sick of his procrastination. Op's H tells me this (he is just as manipulated as my H)<P>This is where I began LB. NOt yelling and screaming and not LB about my H., but focusing on him and the kids...and how good of a person he is and how I know he can take care of himself and how he owes it to himself and the kids to become whole. I suppose I've lb mainly about OP. She is really mucking up his life and I know he knows it.. <P>After dealing with her H for so long now...I am convinced my H will end up like him (like a sheep) if he continues.<P>My H has been in real bad shape lately. He isn't even happy at work now. He is not slleeping (thats not new) He has pulled back from me, but I think he senses I am getting frustrated.<P>Of course he now has the pull of her living on her own. Her H is taking care of the kids and she has carte blanche to pull him in further.......<P>We started counseling and again I lost it, because my H got into the brainwashed mode of making stuff up, which I try to defend.......then we go out after aand have a great dinner and conversation....<P>I'm afraid I mucked things up. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has LB major in this process.<P>I like our counselor. We are supposed to go to him individually this week. I will go I don't know if H will. I have just been afraid this is part of a scheme to just block communication and have the counselor be the bad guy re: D.<P>And having said that....my H has a problem...I know I can't fix it. Yes I wish I could,..Yes for the most part I am taking care of me and the kids... Yes, I know My h loves me and especially the kids right now. I sense the lack of connection, especially with me.......but I know It will not change with her in the picture clouding events.<P>I probably will do better this summer when I am away...He will be able to do whatever he wants, but maybe reality will bite him in the ***.