So my H has said he wants out of our marriage. He did not set any time table and I'm not sure how fast he will move on gettting to the legal aspects. I asked him to stay in the spare room, and give me time to get myself together and he agreed and has since spent every day out of the house, but comes home at night. I haven't been LB since I haven't seen him. Will try to continue on a friendly note and no LB.<P> But I have some questions. I have decieded I would like to keep the house, I had said I wouldn't before. Should I tell him that so he doesn't start to plan on keeping it?<P> Should I make an intial contact with a lawyer just to be prepared in case he moves ahead? I am afraid he will be vengeful and seems already to be moving and hiding things. <P> This is for Dazed and confused.. Did you see my post about H said he wants out? What do I learn from his accusations that I didn't take his name and he had a vasectomy? Is that about his need to be admired? or in control or make his own decisions? I hear the "everyyhing for Lora and nothing for H statement." I think I have tried to give him items that he wanted.. bought his truck and trailer, toys for him, but its maybe something more intangible that I didn't give him, and he won't express to me. I know I didn't take his side often enough, I like to argue the point and be the devils avocate a little. I guess even when we had our talk I did that. Told him he could have his vasectomy reversed. <P> So help me make a better plan and get throuh this tough time please.<BR>Lora<BR>

Lora, just remember that even though he may have asked for a divorce, that doesn't mean you'll get one. My H asked for a divorce in Sept...I served papers in Mar...and put them on hold.<P>Plan A is a powerful way of life.<P>Go ahead and see a lawyer, usually the first consultation is free, ask if the information is not offered. I talked to a lawyer in Sept, mainly to understand what the law says about visitation and child support. If you go, take all your financial records--savings, IRA, retirement, bank accounts, last years tax form, assests, liabilities. He (nor can you) can't legally dispose of any of that once you have it documented, make the copies yourself so the lawyer doesn't have immediate costs . If he wants a divorce, you don't have to cooperate, but be smart and take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Thanks Lor,<BR> That is what I will do. Will call for an appointment tomorrow. I just don't want to push this forward if he is not going to follow through himself.<P> Lora

Lora...<P>Just going through the yellow pages isn't going to help you too much!<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P> <P>Jim

Lor's right. Plan A is mighty powerful! Sorry I had to run this morning!<P>See a lawyer. But that divorce talk, may not mean a thing, so don't start anything that you don't want to finish. Robert talked divorce constantly, before and after he moved out. I never filed, he never filed. And well, here we are!<P>You know, I read the Harley books and I thought I understood Plan A - and I did, I think. But, in the midst of all my pain, I just couldn't figure out how to get started, know what I mean? I mean, no lovebusting, well, that's a no-brainer. Trying to fill his needs without being so pushy it was an LB, ok, a bit harder, but doable!. But working on me???? Where the heck to start.<P>My brother and SIL gave me a copy of Phil McGraw's book "Life Strategies". Well, my darlin', there it is. The best help with a true Plan A that I have EVER found. Helps you to take a good look at yourself and, since it's interactive, gives you a starting point. I cannot tell you what a difference it made in me. I highly recommend it.<P>You see, Lora, you want your marriage - well, not the one you have, but the one that can be. But that will never happen if WE stay the same way that we are, no matter how good we think we are (and I thought I was pretty good!) All the changes have to begin within...all of them. Otherwise, they're just superficial, fake and it doesn't work, can't last and makes us too susceptable to reacting to THEIR words and actions. And we all know that we can't do that - otherwise everyone would give up!<P>Our feelings, our beliefs, our faith, our actions affect every thing and every person that we come in contact with. I honestly believe that 90% of the problems that marriages experience are caused by spouses reacting (usually in little tiny ways) to the actions of the other. Somebody's got to break the cycle. Or at least turn it down another path. And we are the lucky ones who get elected!!<P>Strange that I should use the word lucky. I do feel lucky that Robert and I are doing so well (although blessed is a better word.) But, you know what, I re-read my threads not long ago, from the beginning of this mess until today. What a CHANGE I saw in myself! I could hardly believe it! And I found that I used the words glad and happy and lucky and a lot of other positive ones more and more as I went along - talking about MY life and me. And that was long before I had an inkling that Robert would ever come home again.<P>So, I think I am lucky in another way as well. I got my husband back, I rediscovered our marriage, and I found things in myself that I never even knew existed! And I'm so glad I did. Everyone benefited from this mess in one way or another.<P>Read and think and open your mind to all sorts of things. You won't regret it. Start PAYING attention more and speaking less. (Now I'm a FINE one to say talk less, huh? ) You know what I mean. <P>You can do this. It's hard, it's scary. But it gets easier and less scary as you go along. I promise!<P>If I can help, let me know.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Lora:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did you see my post about H said he wants out? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I did. But if I don't have something wise to say, I try to shut up. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What do I learn from his accusations that I didn't take his name and he had a vasectomy? Is that about his need to be admired? or in control or make his own decisions?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Again, yup. I took my H's name because I was tired of being at the end of the alphabet, and since my name was my name because my mother gave up hers, and on and on, I decided that there was no "feminist statement" to be made anyway.<P>I think that no matter how "enlightened" men like to think they are, they see a wife taking their name as a more complete embracing of the commitment to them. Maybe I'm wrong about that. At any rate, your H may have interpreted it as a distancing mechanism.<P>As far as the vasectomy is concerned, I don't know the background behind that. Did he do that because YOU didn't want kids? Did either of you change your mind? I can't speak to this issue because I need clarification from you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I hear the "everyyhing for Lora and nothing for H statement." I think I have tried to give him items that he wanted.. bought his truck and trailer, toys for him, but its maybe something more intangible that I didn't give him, and he won't express<BR> to me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Giving THINGS isn't the same as fulfilling needs, except for very shallow people. I think many of us make that mistake. I wrote in Missy9's thread about my mother thinking that cleaning and cooking was sufficient. This is the same thing. I used to buy my H things all the time. Sure, he liked them, but rarely used any of them. Even now, when I buy him something elaborate, often he doesn't even use it. I've bought him more watches than I can count. But what he REALLY needs is me. My time. My attention. My validation of him.<P>I've seen so many people here say, "I gave him/her everything!" Well, obviously your definition of "everything" isn't your spouse's. We give what WE THINK they SHOULD want, rather than what they do.<P>I do it too. I have to watch that.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I know I didn't take his side often enough, I like to argue the point and be the devils avocate a little. I guess even when we had our talk I did that. Told him he could have his vasectomy reversed. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like you always want the last word. You're always right, and when you're not right you're sure. If you like doing the devil's advocate for fun, maybe you need to look at why. Or at least, make it clear that this is what you're doing.<P>As for the vasectomy, again, I can't speak to that. But the way you write this sure sounds pretty controlling.<P>Based on everything you've said, it sounds like your H needs a "softer" approach than you've always taken. I know what some of your issues are, and you are very similar to me in some respects. You probably feel ultimately very alone, and so you have a strong "I can do it myself, I don't need anyone" tendency. Your H may be interpreting this as "I don't need you."<P>It's very hard for us to break down this wall and admit to our spouses, "I need you. I need you with me. I want to have you around." It's hard because we feel it leaves us open to rejection. But if we don't do that, we run the risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.<P>I've learned over the last year that for all that my H isn't your archetypal "man as boss" type, he likes to hear things like "It's nice to have a man around the house." Sometimes we'll be good-naturedly discussing which of us we think is nicer, and he'll say "You're nicer. And that's the end of it, because I'm the man and I'm the boss!"<P>So clearly there are ELEMENTS of that which he likes, even if he doesn't want the whole control/macho enchilada.<P>Just as I said to Missy, he's giving you a lot of information to work with here. This is not about you beating yourself up about mistakes you've made, it's about changing the way you deal with him.

NSR,<BR> Thanks for the info. I have a friend who referred me to a lawyer so i will try him first.<P>Lori,<BR> I'm going out tomorrow and getting that book.<BR> I am not sure I should speak too much less tho, I don't talk too much as it is.<BR> I guess I am having a hard time with changing. I want to , but I am more concrete and detail oriented. Its all so vague and non specific and then I just react to things my H does. Give me a list and tell me to do something 3 times a day and I can handle it. I am working on affermatins and can do that.<BR>Must be part of my personality and why I choose my job as a Physical therapist.I get to tell people specific action things and they get better. I want to do that for myself.<P> Dazed,<BR> I could swear we discussed the vasectomy and he was the one to bring it up. I was concerned because I didn't want to stay on the pill and couldn't use some other methods.<BR>I don't think he wants kids even now, just is upset over the issue<BR> See my post to Lori above. I do think I try to do things for myself and am independant and am used to setting up programs for people and instructing them. Kind of hard to turn it off at home I guess. I am more self assured when I have something to tell people about instead of talking about my thoughts and feelings.<BR>Lora<BR>

Hi Lora -<P>Yes, do get that book that Lori suggested.....it would be the one, since it is so interactive!!!<P>I put some self-assessment questions on BC's thread - see if any help you although I don't feel that you are mired in an OP too much, they can apply to any non-movement with your thinking...<P>Switch 'em around a bit.....like Why do you keep wanting to talk when action might be better right now? Then write your answer.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

I just get so confused that I get paralized and don't do any thing. I am so good at taking the blame, but not so good at changing. Plus maybe I think if I can take all the blame then maybe I can figure out a way to fix it by myself.<P> Do I detach a little and go about my own business and stop being needy and clingy or am I then only thinking about myself and distancing from him?<BR> <BR> Do I share my thoughts and feelings in a respectfull way or will that push him further away.<P> Do I ask him to do things or give him space?<P> Do I get on with my life or continue to hope there is a chance for us.<P>Or do I have to find the perfect balance between all of those things?<P> Spoke to my Sisterinlaw who saw H at their moms yesterday and he didn't say a word about us to them. Of course they knew, but are waiting for him to tell them. I wonder if he knows they know.<BR>Lora<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited May 24, 2000).]