I feel so down and alone on this rainy and dismal Monday. My H was gone all weekend and I was trying to stay busy mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, did the dishes etc but that only seemed to help temporarily.<P>Maybe I truly want out of this "so-called" marriage. I know everyone here has tried to beat it into my head that this is their behavior they all act like this etc but I guess I just can't get it. Maybe that is my mind telling me to get out. <P>I dwell on what he is doing with the OW, the secretiveness when he comes home the lies of where he has been. (he went as far as to take his pants into the bathroom with him, must be hiding something.)<P>I guess I really feel like just telling him it is finally over I have given up and we will get a divorce. I don't know how all of you guys here go on for months with the WS behavior. It has been almost a year for me and I find myself having less patience than ever. I want an ending to this mess and if it happens to be divorce I guess I wasn't meant to be here in MB.<P>I have done many things to try and save my marriage but right now I feel like the only answer if to let it go. If God wants it to be then by letting go maybe my H will come around. I just am not one to sit still and tread water so to speak. Maybe it is my controlling behavior that has got me in this mess but my H did and does have choices. He is chosing the OW because he obviously cares about her and I can't compete with that.<P>It is like they are playing high school games with the secrets the cell phone now changing the number because I knew what it was not coming home etc. They are two peas in a pod lying cheating scheming UGH..........<P>They have finally gotten the best of me I think this is what my H was hoping for so I would continue with the divorce and he wouldn't have to feel guilty about anything. I don't think right now he is capable of feeling guilt, remorse, or care as far as me or our marriage is concerned. He only cares about himself, the bottle and the OW.<P>I deserve all of the blasts I am sure to get but I was reading one of the many books I have on affairs and they say that it might be time to give up if you feel like you are losing your self worth, self esteem and I think I am there.<P>

{{{{{bc}}}}},<P>9+ months since D-day...<BR>...it is hard!<P>Have you talked with the Harleys recently...<BR>...maybe it's time(fro Plan B) ...maybe not.<P>It is so hard when you don't see anything coming out of Plan A efforts.<P>I'm praying for you... <P>Jim

NSR,<P>Thanks for the prayers. I am also praying that God will show me the way to go but like you said it is very difficult.<P>I have not talked to the Harley's I have an individual counselor that I see weekly and she has been a lot of help. She is not pro divorce or anything like that.<P>She has helped me to realize that my H is an alcohlic or at least is abusing alcohol. I can't change that unless he wants to change. She also tells me that this OW is enabling this drinking so that is why my H sees her as the good person and me as the bad.

BC,<P> I understand your feeling and am there myself at times. I think I am doing OK and then H doesn't come home after work and I realize how hard it is and wonder if it is worth it. 10 months for me, but of course my H and OW are just friends.I am sorry you are feeling this way, Hope you get some good advice<BR>Lora

It is a little dismal here in MO too.<P>I am a little down too today....My H had emergency eye surgery a week ago and wanted to come home for me to take care of him...I of course said fine...then after a few days when he is better he runs to NEW O/W out of town...<P>I am tired of the lies too...I finally lost it when he told me he was leaving so he could heal and went to O/W house. I did major LB's but it finally felt good to get a few things off my mind.<P>I was broken when I find out about my H's affair...I have read everything...posted, vented, seeing a therapist...but I have had enough also.<P>I would love to save my marriage...but not to this stranger who is my H. I want the one I married back.<P>I have done all I can to save this marriage. I am trying to let go. It is hard because I still love him. But like you my self esteem is gone, I feel like I have no self worth ect.<P>I know I should be encouraging you, but I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel, because I feel the same way.<P>Maybe our H's will wake up, but I can't count on that and I am so tired of being lied too, ect.<P>My first court date for the D is 27 of the this month.<P>

Hi bc,<BR>I'm sorry that you are at this point. I don't think that I can be much of a help right now. I am in the midst of a financial crisis and my mind can't even think straight. I'll pray for you.....

Hello Darlin'<P>I will be short and sweet!!!!<P>It is raining here also and my sinuses hurt!!!! Yuck!!!<P>You know what is happening with your emotions today, right?<P>It's a blah day....it's blah emotion time!!!!<P>Put your taker away!!! <P>Stop dwelling on h/ow - you are doing it to yourself!!!!<P>So you have done everything you can to save the marriage, huh? Really? When exactly did you do all the things we laid out Saturday? Did you fit all that in yesterday? Wow, you are good!!! I couldn't get all that accomplished in one day and I've been at this awhile....<P>It is not your self-esteem or self-worth that is suffering - it is your lack of control that is!!!!<P>Work on what we discussed, start your positivity and let's get this on the right track!!!!!<P>You can do it, BC......if you don't you will have it repeated throughout your life!!! You don't want that, do you?<P>Then learn and grow now...when the opportunity is here to do so....<P>BIG HUGS and Love Ya,<P>Sheba

I guess I deserved that. But how do you get past knowing he has been with her for the whole weekend and then the fact he comes home last night and asks if he can sleep with me. (well next to me) What the heck is up with that?<P>I just feel so dirty so to speak when I think about him being with her. She is so disgusting but obviously something about that attracts him.<P>It is Alanon night so maybe that will take some of the stress off. Just when I think I am moving forward I screw it up and have to ask why? how come? and all he does is lie. I did ask him what would happen if there was an actual emergency and I needed to find him seeing she changed his cellphone number. Maybe I shouldn't worry about that if something happens so be it.<P>But of course who was home when the storm went through knocked the power out for 7 hours and I was there in the dark.<P>I know Iknow quit it.

Dear BC: Just wanted to offer you a little encouragement! Please don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says things they don't mean. Everyone commits love busters. You can't expect yourself to be perfect. <P>Everyone has a "breaking point"...a point they reach when they simply cannot "deal" with the current situation.<P>Please take care of yourself. Make sure you are okay. If this Plan Aing is hurting you physically--if you feel too sick/tired to continue--please take a much needed break! Please contact your counselor if need be. This is so hard, so emotionally draining, so physically depleting. It is not a sign of failure if you need to just "live" for yourself for a few days....if you just need to concentrate on eating, sleeping, and finding some type of peace for yourself--even if it's as simple as tending to a garden or eating your favorite ice cream.<P>Please re-read the message from NSR. Maybe it's time to Plan B??? Maybe it's not? Maybe you just need to take a break for a few days. <P>But, please don't beat yourself up....there's enough stress and turmoil in your life already...be a friend to yourself. Peace, ~Marie

Thanks for the help. I went to Alanon last night and felt a bit better. Knowing that there are other people out that are worse off than I am makes me thankful for what I have minus the problems.<P>I tried to be on my best behavior with my H too. I made meatloaf for dinner and I had to eat quick and then leave for the meeting. I left a note telling him where I went and that there was dinner. I signed it Love bc. <P>Well on my way to the meeting I passed him. When I got home he asked me where I had been and I said up town and he asked "to a meeting" and then i just said yes. He hadn't gone in the house and didn't see the note I left.<P>Then he told me he bought a car and i didn't flip out or anything just voiced my concern over insurance seeing he has a DUI. <P>He actually came home last night too but that doesn't mean much or I am not reading anything into it.