Yep,<P>I failed at plan B again. I stuck with it for a week and a half. No contact except for kid transfers etc. Only corresponded by e mail about basic stuff. it just didn't work well. Too hard with the kids. But....<P>H last day of work was last Friday. Yeah!!!<BR>No more daily contact with OW! He starts new job next week and it is only 10 minutes from home. Since he still lives in apt near old job he'll have to commute 45 minutes - 1 hour to new job unless he moves home.<P>I am hoping that this distance and lack of daily contact will be the catalyst that finally lifts the fog surrounding him. I see this as my chance to do the best possible plan A no matter what. Just bite my tounge and not spout off about anything.<P>It's been 17 months since discovery and he is still as confused as ever. I have no idea how much contact he has/had with her outside of work but if there has been this will sure put a damper on it. <P>Wish me luck and I am praying for the strength to do a perfect plan A.<P>Hoping

You go girl!!! <BR>I know you can do this Hoping. Sometimes a major change can work in our favor.<BR>Don't be a stranger here. Post your progress please.

Hoping,<P>Wow, what a story. I checked even though most profiles are now empty.<P>It is very good he'll be working so close! Can you continue in Plan A? Usually folks move to B to protect themselves from further hurt.<P>What jumps out from your story is CONFUSION on his part. May not even involve OW. My h was thinking about getting his own place and dropping OW, just confused about where WE could go from here.<P>But he figured out there was HOPE after reading SAA. Sounds like your h has it backwards, to regain the in-love feelings and then come back (it will not happen).<P>They are regained slowly by meeting each other's needs. He could move back home, not have to commute and spend all his spare time on you (min 15 hours/wk) and the kids.<P>Given his past waffling, it would be good to set ground rules before letting him back. MJINGIT had a good thread on this in recovery.<P>You may even want to require counselling with one of the Harleys as a prerequisite. It really helps to have a mediator! Not sure what the previous counselling was like, but there is no soft "therapy" there. We worked with Jennifer Harley. She had us make action plans for meeting top ENs within 2 weeks of our first call (for me it was d day).<P>Most men don't want counselling because they think they can handle it alone, and yet they do like an objective challenge. Well, that's how Jenn was. <P>

WasStubborn and Schizzo,<P>Thanks for the encouragement. I'm going to try my hardest at this.<P>My biggest problems in plan a are trust and not feeling like he's getting his cake and eating it too. I just have a hard time biting my lip and sucking back the smart alec comments like "well, if you lived here.....! And the trust, yes he's with us alot but there's still that opportunity at night in his apt. I don't drive by to see if her car is there as it's 45 minutes away and how do I explain to my kids why we are driving by dads apt.<P>I also worry all the time that he is with us that he's only here for the kids, that he's wishing he was with her instead of me.<P>His "reason" for not moving home is feelings. He just can not find those "in love" feelings for me but he loves me so he says.<P>Oh well, rambling I guess.<P>I'll do my best. I have to. This is probably my last chance.<P>Hoping

Hoping,<P>You can't start to rebuild trust until he's home and you're both working on recovery.<P>But you can love him as a badly behaved child or an h temporarily struck with insanity.<P>Many say it is an LB to "instruct" him. But if he WANTS in-love feelings with you (certainly sounds that way), couldn't you point out there is a way well worth trying???<P>Have you read Surviving an Affair? It goes through the whole recovery process step by step. It was our manual. And the book is clear that if you do these things, the feelings WILL COME. That's why I said your h may need to know there is HOPE, there is a way to do it and it does require moving back first and throwing yourself into it.<P>What does he have to lose???<P>------------------<BR>Cindy